Today is a good day to give yourself what you need. Instead of being frustrated with others and their lack of fulfilling your needs, step into your power and give it to yourself. Talk to yourself about what your needs are (be the best listener and “hearer” that you have ever had in your life, for yourself), and what feels lacking in your life right now, and ask yourself, calmly but firmly, to find ways to fulfill your own needs. The direct route to anything whether it be a road, or communication, is usually the healthiest, easiest, and fastest way to get to the point of destination, where you are wanting to arrive.
Don’t expect others to fulfill your needs. Make the decision to be the best life manager you have ever been since you took on this role when you were born. Show yourself appreciation. Place boundaries where needed. Give yourself good nourishment, some solitude, some playtime, and sound rest. Be really honest with yourself about what you need, and be really honest with yourself if you have been indirectly trying to get others to fulfill your needs, and then feel resentful when they don’t. There is no better way to get respect from others than giving it to yourself first.
And remember, also, that it is not your job to fulfill other adults’ needs. If they directly ask for help, you can decide whether you have the current capacity to be of service, and then you can choose to do so, willingly and happily. You also have the right and the ability to say, “No.” You are not the only source to fulfill someone else’s various needs. Their source (just like yours) is bubbling inside of them.
(Most of my blog posts that read like the one above, are reminders and lectures that I give to myself. If you need this lecture, too, then I am happy that it helps more than me. If it doesn’t apply, than please just smile to yourself, and think, “Wow, that lady is one hot mess!” and feel smug that you are a little further along on the direct route of your own path in life, and carry on to have a wonderful day.)
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Friends and I were having a discussion about different frustrations going on in our lives. I blurted out “That’s why it is so hard trying to be healthier in a world that mostly isn’t!” My friend said, “That’s a profound statement.”
By the time we reach middle age, my husband likes to say that pretty much everyone has gone through at least “one major biggie.” Something happens that rocks your world. Whether it be a major health situation, a relationship breakdown, or a career crisis, or something of the like, these are the pivotal moments in our lives. These are the moments where you either decide to get introspective and mindful, owning the parts that you play in the situation, and coming to the realization that the only person whose thoughts and actions you have any control over, are your own. Or, you stay mired in the victimhood of the situation, casting blame and moping in despair, on the throne of martyrdom, until the next crisis rears its ugly head.
It’s lonely to work on getting healthier in mind, body and spirit. There are plenty places to do it: nature, gyms, health food stores, churches, therapists, self-help books, support groups, yoga studios, etc., but oftentimes, if the quick fix doesn’t happen, we swiftly go back to our old habits, patterns and beliefs and feel sorry for ourselves. We always want the quick fix – a magic pill, with an absolute 100% guarantee.
It’s difficult, in any situation, to feel like you are that only kid who sees/accepts that the emperor obviously isn’t wearing any clothes. It feels lonely. Whether it is noticing all of the processed crap in our grocery stores, or facing all of the unhealthy communication styles in every social institution that we have (such as manipulation, passive aggressive comments, sarcasm, bullying, and sneaky half-truths. It’s funny that we’re so afraid of “direct communication” because we think that it is “mean”, but direct communication is the kindest, most honest and clear form of communication which we can utilize. People can deal with being disappointed that you aren’t able to go/do/be something that they want you to go/do/be, and you can live and deal with the knowledge that the person is disappointed. We’ve all coped with all sorts of disappointment in our lives, and we’re all still standing.) When we can sit with ourown difficult emotions, instead of lashing out, or doing mindless, addictive behaviors to avoid feeling our feelings, or depressively shaming ourselves for having negative feelings, we are on a healthy road to acceptance and self-love and compassion for ourselves and for others. The ability to sit with our own difficult emotions is a simple process, but not an easy one. It’s actually pretty grueling. It takes constant practice and discipline to decide to work on being the healthiest version of ourselves. And that’s why it seems to be such a rare phenomenon in our society. Any family, social group, institution is usually only as healthy as its least healthy member.
It’s not our jobs to “fix” anyone but ourselves. Self improvement is a lot in itself. And when we keep the focus on ourselves, we can notice the unhealthiness in the people and the organizations and institutions surrounding us. We can use these observations to place boundaries to keep a safe path for ourselves to continue to grow and to heal and to prosper in our own lives. A great question to start with, to really get a detached view of yourself, and your individual beliefs, is to take a look at a situation that bothers you, and ask the question, “What story am I telling myself about this situation?” You may be incredibly surprised about some of the falsehoods, silliness, and level of emotional control you have given to others, in this particular happening.
Our “stories” often aren’t full of facts at all. They are mostly our own perceptions, based on our own emotions and past experiences. My eldest son and I love watching indie films and thought-provoking shows, and talking about them afterwards. My husband and I recently watched “The White Lotus” and we really liked it and we recommended it to him. As expected, he loved the show and he binge watched it. When my son and I discussed the show, I was amazed at what stood out to him (parts that seemed relatively inconsequential to me). He made a lot of references and analogies to meditation, an interest of his that has he has been spending a lot of time on lately. I laughed to myself. My son is 26 and I’m almost 52. He’s half my age. Of course, what stood out for him in the show, would be different than what made an impression on me. I imagine if we both wrote reviews of “The White Lotus”, people might wonder if we watched the same show.
When I am being mindful, I notice when I am judging others for their lack of self-introspection, and then I can notice my physical, mental, and spiritual response to my judgment. What story am I telling myself about this person/situation/experience?
The sewing project above, if it were truly healthy (and not just cute and funny) would read, “People in therapy are often in therapy to deal with their own perceptions about, and need to control the people in their lives who won’t go to therapy.” But that of course, would make the sewing project above much more time-consuming, difficult, and expensive, wouldn’t it now? That would be quite a demanding project.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
I don’t have much to write today. I am more in a pondering mood today. I do know that the meme above is true. It is an extremely difficult skill to bring up “hard things”, and to discuss them in a meaningful, healthy, helpful manner. And I also know that I haven’t mastered this skill yet, but it is something that I am working on, and I constantly do so. For healthy relationships with others, and with yourself, this skill is vital. And if “the difficult conversations” are ignored, dysfunction goes on and on and on, sometimes for generations. These days, there is a lot of talk about breaking cycles. Dysfunctional cycles aren’t broken when there is a lot of bumpy terrain underneath the rug.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Two of my daughter’s good friends are involved with a charity tennis event this weekend. My daughter never wanted to be involved with this particular affair. My daughter, not wanting to be involved, had nothing to do with the actual event, or the people, or the cause. My daughter loves to play tennis, loves her friends with all of her heart, and she thinks that the cause is a good one. It’s just that she has been over her skis with so many activities. She just had four, deeply impacted wisdom teeth removed. She has wanted, all along, to use this particular spring break for rest, healing and spontaneity. But, her fear of disappointing her friends was eating at her. My daughter inadvertently lead them on. She kept them wondering. She knew she didn’t want to be involved, but she didn’t have the heart to say it. And in the end, her biggest fears came true, anyway. Her friends were angry and hurt and confused. And so when my daughter was headed to her dear friend’s house yesterday, with a donation to the cause he was playing in the tennis match for, in hand, and with an apology ready to burst from her heart, she said to me, “I messed up. I should have used direct communication.”
And my heart swelled with pride, looking lovingly and understandingly at my daughter who is just a few days from turning eighteen. I said to her something along these lines, “Baby, if you learn the direct communication lesson this young, you will be lightyears ahead of the rest. I wish that I had learned to “use my words, kindly but directly”, starting into my early adult years. It would have saved me, and many others a lot of confusion and heartache. It’s hard to see it, sometimes, because we are so afraid of hurting people’s feelings, but direct communication is the kindest, most honest, purest form of communication that leads to healthy, trusting relationships. Using direct communication makes you a person of integrity.”
When she came home she told me that she told her friend the same thing, “I messed up. I should have used direct communication.” And of course, he forgave her.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
