Tag: complainers

Dumping Grounds

I read something the other day that made me turn red with self-recognition, and I was completely by myself. The article talked about “emotional dumping” and “spreading your fears.” When you just unload on a person without asking for their consent, it can be really upsetting and overwhelming for them. Emotional dumping usually comes out of nowhere, rapidly, full of charge, without much warning and with the underlying expectation that the person being “dumped on” will somehow be able to fix the situation. It’s literally like taking all of the garbage swirling around inside of you, and dumping it on your unsuspecting loved one, out of nowhere.

The difference between emotional dumping and healthy venting is all in how you handle it. Of course, it is good to be able to vent your frustrations with close family and friends, but it should be done with a level of awareness of the state of emotional being that you are in, and also being cognizant if the other party is in a good place/state of mind to be there for you. It requires a level of calm, good communication skills, mutuality, and a respect for boundaries.

This process of distinguishing between the fine line of emotional dumping versus healthy venting is best handled when we take a pause. We notice our highly charged emotional state. We start to self soothe healthfully – breathwork, taking a walk, writing in our journals, asking ourselves, “What story am I telling myself about this situation? Is it possible to look at it in a different way?” Then, if we still feel the need to vent, we can ask a trusted friend or family member, “Are you available to hear my frustration about a situation right now?” If they are able to be there for us at that time, we should state what we are trying to get from our conversation. “Please don’t try to solve this for me. I am just wanting to ‘get it out.’ ” Or if we really are confused and want some input, we should ask specific questions, such as, “Are you seeing anything that I am missing? Are there steps that you think would be helpful for me to take?”

We need to be open and non-defensive about suggestions, if we ask for them. It doesn’t mean that we have to take the advice and run with it, but it does give us perspective and food for thought. We also should be aware of how long we are venting, and if we are beating the same dead horse, again and again. We all know how frustrating it is to be on the end of the “same old/same old” vent session with someone who likes to stay in their victim chair, complaining away, and yet never makes even the tiniest steps to change the situation.

We have to realize that the people whom we tend to use as our emotional dump yards, tend to be the most loyal, best listeners we know. These people are safe, kind and ooze empathy and so they become our go-to dump yards. Are these the types of people who deserve to be dumped on? And aren’t these gems of humanity deserving a little of our undivided attention for a vent session of their own?

On the other side of the coin, if you are a person who tends to be an emotional dump yard for other people, this is your wake-up call to set some boundaries. It’s okay to protect yourself and your emotional well-being. In fact, it’s imperative. You can say, “I’m sorry, but I am not in a good space to hear you right now,” or “I can listen for about ten minutes, but then I have to get going,” or “”I’m not the right person to discuss this problem with, but mentors, therapists, ministers, etc. have been really helpful to me in dealing with situations like this. Try those resources.” Remember, you are not a dump yard. You are a beautiful being with your own issues to deal with, and your worth doesn’t come from “solving” other people’s problems. Everyone’s life is their own responsibility, and we can be mutually good support systems to each other, without being dumpers and dumpees.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

No Offense

“Not to be a bitch.”

~ Me, about to be a bitch. – @WetMascara – Twitter

My sister used to always say, if you are about to start a conversation with “No offense, but . . . .” that’s your cue to shut your mouth right there. It’s like you are giving yourself your own pause and warning and finger shaking, that this conversation is not headed anywhere good, but sometimes, you just can’t help yourself, right? You keep blabbering on. And you naively believe that by saying “not to be a bitch”, or “no offense but”, or perhaps if you are a guy, the guy version is “not to be a dick”, that this is somehow going to negate every offensive word coming out of your mouth. It’s like we believe that the person who is about to get our verbal assault, appreciates the warning, and puts on their “sticks and stones – words don’t hurt me” invisible cloak of calloused thick skin. It’s like we believe that the person about to get a tongue lashing from us, is now going to sit in an aura of “open-mindedness” and gratefulness for our opinions, because we gave them a forewarning of our verbal punch, about to hit them in the face. It’s like we think that “not to be a bitch” is some kind of free pass or a “get out of jail free card”. It never turns out that way. It never does.

Instead what happens is that the person about to get insulted, has their hackles up. They’re pulling out their own verbal guns, and they are getting ready to aim them right back at you. You are about ready to experience a hard lashing from their prepared defense. Or worse, you are about to distance an important relationship that you have, because that person is about to retreat with some hurt feelings, and some deep resentment held against you.

It struck me, when nodding at this tweet, with unfortunate recognition and chagrin, that the people with whom we start conversations with “no offense but”, are usually people whom we genuinely care about. People who truly deserve our tongue lashings and unsolicited advice, are people whom we would never dream of giving them a warning, as to what is about to come. And when we know that these people, who got our verbal assault without any warning, deserved to be put in their place, we aren’t usually that concerned whether these people are offended or not. These are not the people whom we typically care to keep a relationship with in our lives.

The other day, I was blathering on about a decision that I was trying to make, out loud, on the phone with my aunt. She listened and when a pause in my dramatic soliloquy came, she calmly asked me, “Are you asking for my opinion? Do you want my opinion?”

I actually paused again, to think about it. Yes, I did want her opinion, but I was so honored (and honestly, kind of shocked) that she asked me first. I felt deeply respected by that question. It’s a question that I hope to incorporate more into my own conversations going forward. It made me feel valued and heard. People who ask questions are the best kind of listeners.

If I’m honest with myself my “no offense but” usually comes out of me when I am exhausted from listening to the “same old/same old” complaints and problems, from people who seem to like to complain, but do not take any fruitful action to change the situation which they are complaining about. But who is to blame for my exhaustion and frustration with these types of conversations? (I am the one who is exhausted and frustrated, right?) I am offering a free audience to someone who likes to complain. I am volunteering a free audience to someone who perhaps genuinely enjoys complaining, and has no intention to change the situation which they are complaining about. Ever. The remedy here is not to snap out my nasty, high and mighty, “Not to be a bitch, but this situation is never going to change, and you aren’t doing anything about it”. Instead, I have other choices. I can change the subject, or I can politely ask, “Are you asking for my opinion? Do you want my opinion?” Or, I can realize that this person just wants a listening ear, and I can decide whether I want to be the listening ear for this particular situation. (because after all, they are my ears, right?)

To be clear, no offense is intended with this blog post. The gut punch is all my own.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.