Anne Lamott Archives - Adulting: Second- Half

Monday – Funday

The writer Joe Lansdale says the key to his success is, “I write like everyone I know is dead.” Most writers are told to write about what we know. The famed writer Anne Lamott says this: “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”

It’s a tough line that we writers walk. Most of the world lives behind screens and masks and passive aggression and fragile egos. It’s hard to be direct and honest and “say it like it is”, full well knowing that someone else’s “say it like it is” about the exact same situation, may look like an entirely different “is” than yours. Many times, my truth is not the same as your truth (and yet confusingly, these opposite truths can be mutually accurate, all at the same time) And then we’ve got the whole “cancel culture” thing going on. And on top of all of this, we have our natural human beings’ need to be liked and to be loved and to be understood. We don’t consciously want to hurt anyone – even those who have hurt us. And we don’t want to be hurt in the process, either.

This is why journals and diaries are wonderful. This is also why it is also important to get your own personal take on things, out there in the world, in one form or another, even if it is just opening up to a trusted friend. Honestly, the world doesn’t need ten more of the same “Awhoooos” wolf songs in a row. That gets rote and boring and tedious. It feels fake, easy and sometimes conniving and controlling. What I have found, many times in my own life, is that when I am more open and honest and vulnerable in my communication, it seems to give others permission to do the same. And it makes me feel closer to people and it also makes me realize that a lot of all of our “Awhoooos” in all of our different lives, are more similar and relatable than we would have ever expected. And in intimate moments, the next song is called “Awhooo” and instead of rolling our eyes, we all smile at each other and we often nod in appreciation of what we share in common.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

1325. Do you have any phobias?

Four Laws

Anne Lamott likes to repeat this often in her writings, and in her social media:

The Four Immutable Laws of Spirit

by Harrison Owen

1) Whoever shows up are exactly the right people to show up.

2) When it begins is exactly the right time.

3) Whatever happens is the only thing that could have happened.

4) When it’s over, it’s over.

Harrison Owen was an Australian writer, explorer and photographer who wrote these principles after observing the interactions of many different people and types of groups, all over the world. He developed a process for running large group meetings, based on these four observed principles. He called this process “Open Space Technology.” Harrison Owen drew up these principles with the idea of getting the most out of large meetings of people, in the way of creativity, and open-mindedness and the flow of concepts and perspectives and ideas.

Nowadays, The Four Immutable Laws of Spirit are often used as a spiritual reminder to individuals and to groups, to help them come into a peaceful acceptance of what is, and also, to let go of what is not in our own control.

If you are having a circumstance or a happening in your life that you are struggling with accepting and/or you are trying to control the outcome to no avail, does it bring you comfort to apply “The Four Immutable Laws of Spirit”? We often spend way too much time in the “would of/could of/should of”, “hindsight is 20/20”, things didn’t turn out exactly how I had hoped and planned, thoughts and feelings of regret, about events that have already passed in our lives. If we can consider that the “The Four Immutable Laws of Spirit” may possibly be the undeniable truth, then we can shift our awareness to the lessons, the awakenings, the positive gifts and elements that came from the situation, and our own personal growth that occurred from the circumstance, which will help us in our lives’ experiences, going forward.

When something is in the past, it is what it is. It happened the way that it did, with the people who were part of it, during the circumstances that are already over. And when an event is over, what is best left, is not to ruminate on wishing that things had gone differently, but to accept the event for what it was, and to explore the truths, and the emotions, and what is salvageable and helpful to bring forth into the now experience of your present life. If you can get yourself to believe that the circumstance happened exactly as it did, in order to bring to you (and to the others who were involved) these very life lessons and skills and awakenings, you can find peace about the situation, instead of staying mired in frustration about your regrets, and your own lack of control. If you can believe that there is a bigger process in play, with more meaning and intricacy and overall connection involved in it all, than you could possibly understand with your one small, human mind, than you can find peaceful presence in every moment of your life. Use what works.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Triscuits and Other Business

I’ve had a lot of fun with this Tweet this morning. I personally love Triscuits, but as my husband and eldest son commented almost simultaneously, this tweet is “oddly true.” My daughter said that eating Triscuits, are like eating a basket. My middle son texted, “Wheat Thins > Triscuits.” I don’t agree with that formula. Wheat Thins are razor sharp. If you don’t chew them up properly, Wheat Thins are hazardous. Wheat Thins will cut you. And they’re too sweet. I prefer salty crackers. Salty>Sweet, most of the time.

On a more serious note, I like this quote from Alan Cohen:

“When you do what you are here to do, you help others do what they are here to do.”

Sometimes we ignore our own purposes, when we get over-involved in other people’s lives. (a lot of us “mom-types” have a tendency to do this) We think that we are being “helpful”, but sometimes our “helpfulness” is just used as a distraction from dealing with what we, ourselves, are meant to do, with our own one precious life. Our own life is the only life in which we are truly and fully in charge of living. And when we live our own life’s purposes, and we are fulfilling what we are meant to do, we feel the most alive and connected to the Whole. This is the best thing that we can do for ourselves, and for everyone else.

The writer Anne Lamott posted this good reminder over the weekend on Twitter:

“If you [think] you can rescue [your nearest and dearest] with your good ideas and your checkbook, or get them to choose a healthy, realistic way of life, that mistake will make both of you much worse than you already are.”

Do what you are here to do. This will inspire others on their journeys. You are not here to control/live/experience other people’s lives. You are here to experience the totally unique and precious life that has been exquisitely and generously entrusted to you. Live your gift. Live your life. Trust the process.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Unplug

Happy Birthday, G! I have been in awe of you since the day you were born. You’re faster. (and your mama adores you)

Friends, we are taking our annual family vacation starting tomorrow. I have honestly blogged through my every vacation and even weekend trips, in these last three years of my blogging. That being said, I don’t hold a rigid boundary on this. I might blog every day or I might not. Please don’t worry about me, and please know that I will be back to my usual form, in about a week or so, if you don’t hear from me, before then. I hope that you are finding ways to unplug this summer! It is the miracle cure for most things.

Throwback Thursday (a link to some of my most read blog posts):

If You Build It . . .

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Thought Provoking Thursday

Today, I am going to list the quotes which I have collected for my own thought museum, these past couple of weeks. These quotes all speak for themselves, and do not require commentary from me. Food for thought is delicious, nutritious and calorie-free. Devour!

“Most of us spend our lives as if we had another one in the bank.” – Ben Irwin

“Admire someone else’s beauty without questioning your own.”

“If your mind is empty, it is always ready for anything, it is open to everything. In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s mind, there are few.” – Suzuki Roshi

“Hope springs from realizing we are loved, can love and are love with skin on. Then we are unstoppable.” – Anne Lamott

“Focus on being productive, not busy.”

“True forgiveness is when you can say, “Thank you for that experience.” – Oprah Winfrey

“The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies.” – Think Smarter (Twitter)

“If you can’t find joy in a cup of coffee, you won’t find it in a Lamborghini.” – SeekMastery

“No one should have the power to ruin your day.” -Valencia (Twitter)

Are you passing on love, or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

And Then, My Response

“We can be good at approaching life with perspective. My husband says that ninety percent of what is beautiful, meaningful, and useful in the world is visible in a ten-minute walk. I love this, but it does not always ring true with my PhD in morbid reflection.” – Anne Lamott

I think that I may actually be Anne Lamott, and her husband, all wrapped up in one.

“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.” – Albert Camus

In Florida, winter is actually the easier, more temperate weather season. Summers can be brutal. It really does all come down to perspective, doesn’t it?

“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough. You don’t need to photograph, paint, or even remember it. It is enough.” – Toni Morrison

My photographs, artwork and short-term memory are all sorely lacking. This is an easy sell for me, Toni.

“Mom, Thank you for always being there for me whenever I need support or guidance. As I am about to leave the nest, it is nice to know that I can always count on you. (That particular period, ending the previous sentence is heavily bolded and accentuated. The phrase “for advice” follows this period, but the “for advice” part was decidedly and emphatically crossed out.) I feel very lucky to have you as my mother! Thanks for giving me my wings.” – my eldest son

I found the above quote, while cleaning out our office closet this past weekend. Needless to say, it was the highlight of the weekend, for me!! This quote was found in the middle of an old, used up notebook that belonged to my eldest son, filled with college graduation to-do lists, and trainee notes from his new job. My guess is that my son had been practicing writing me a card or a note?! I may have even gotten “said card” a few years ago, when my eldest son first left home for his new adult life, but it fully touched my heart to find his words, and to read the note again (and again and again and again). The Universe sends us exactly what we need, all of the time, if we really pay attention. Look for the signs. They are all around us, all of the time.

Are you passing on love, or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

I’m doing my best to pass on love. Passing on my pain, isn’t very pretty. It usually involves yelling, spewing nasty words, and doing these terrible actions while sitting firmly in my Imperial Victim Chair.

TidBits

+I watched Red Table Talk for the first time ever yesterday. Red Table Talk features Jada Pinkett Smith and her daughter and her mother, talking to guests about current issues. The episode that I watched was the latest one, featuring Olivia Jade, the daughter of Lori Loughlin, and it focused on her reaction to being the “centerpiece” of the college admissions scandal. The show was excellent. There are no “commercial breaks” so the subject is discussed and explored, in depth. While everyone was respectful to each other around the red table, they were also honest and pointed and real and raw. I highly recommend watching this particular episode. It was a good reminder of how much of our personal perspective is really made up of our own surroundings and upbringing. We may think that we are more open-minded and worldly than we really are, in some cases. This show brings “food for thought” to the Red Table.

+I love this quote from the writer Anne Lamott: “I do not live in my thighs or in my droopy butt. I live in joy and motion and cover-ups. I live in the nourishment of food and the sun and the warmth of the people who love me.”

+Have you heard about the silver monoliths mysteriously showing up in places all over the world, and then disappearing as quickly as they are discovered? In our household, we have received 8 million political calls this year, with car warranty calls coming in at a close second. I think that this meme might actually be accurate and real.

Bless This Mess

This is the state of my writing nook right now:

You can see Ralphie, the Labrador, trying to peek his head up over the rubble, in the right hand corner, like hope of life, peeking out of a war scene. I would like to take the time and space to thank the following creatives for making me feel good about my messy mess. First, a quote from the famed author, Anne Lamott:

“I absolutely don’t buy into the current mania for tidiness and decluttering. For a writer, piles of paper and notes are a fertile field.” – Anne Lamott

And a picture taken of the late, great fashion director, Karl Lagerfeld:

Thank you both, for allowing me the state of rationalizing my messiness, for today.

Paradox Puppy

“I have a pouch below my belly, whereas I had a thin waist before. Now there’s this situation down there, low and grabbable. If it had a zipper, you could store stuff in it, as in a fanny pack.” ~@ANNELAMOTT

It’s called Pandemic Pouch and it’s all the rage! – Cindy Nye (Twitter)

The above listed is my favorite quote for today – a hot, messy Monday in July. And Cindy Nye’s response gives a classic name to a phenomenon/”fashion trend” that many of us are sharing these days. I’m just relieved to not be alone in carrying around a Pandemic Pouch, day and night, day in and day out. My Pandemic Pouch seems to have an expansion feature and I am getting really good at vacillating between decorating it with belts, and then trying to camouflage it, underneath colorful, flow-y, blouse-y bohemian tops. It seems that my Pandemic Pouch holds more than I ever knew possible.

I was reading this charming collection over the weekend, from southern writers, and of course, William Faulkner is always mentioned as one of the most unequaled authors of this genre. Here are two of my favorite quotes attributed to Faulkner:

Speaking of the south, my regular readers know that I temporarily lost my mind and control of my impulses, by insisting that we get a third dog. I somehow thought that raising a pandemic puppy, would help to ease the stress of this bewildering, sad, confusing and unusual situation. How paradoxical of me! Nonetheless, I am totally and completely, captivated, smitten and fully in love with our little guy, aptly named Trip. I came up with the name “Trip” because Trip is our third dog and he is a southern breed of dog. Trip is a Boykin spaniel, which by the breed being originated there, is actually “the official dog of South Carolina.” South Carolinians take their Boykin dogs so seriously that they literally have a day devoted to Boykin spaniels, every year. Boykin Spaniel Day is right around the corner on September 1st. “Trip” is a nickname often given to the third of anything in the south. Having gone to college in Virginia, I became friends with more than one “Trip”, in my tenure there. I also like to joke that we named the puppy “Trip”, because he is our summer adventure, instead of taking an actual trip, during this coronavirus madness. As it turns out, like most names and words, there is another additional meaning to his name that fits him aptly. Trip has become my Velcro dog. As I write this, he is warming my feet. Trip follows me everywhere, including the bathroom, the garage, my closet, under the covers – basically, he follows me wherever I am trying to disappear to, for some rare and fleeting moments to myself, while we are all mostly at home, trying to avoid catching the virus. I trip on Trip almost every single day and more than once. I hope that this tripping over Trip does not land me in the hospital. That would defeat the purpose of this puppy adventure completely. Again, I marvel at the paradox.

Trust That

“Once an old woman at my church said the secret is that God loves us *exactly* the way we are *and* that he loves us too much to let us stay like this, and I’m just trying to trust that.” – Anne Lamott

Growing pains hurt. We are collectively going through a lot of growing pains these days. I remember clearly, one summer when I was a young teenager going through a lot of physical growing pains. I must have been having a major growth spurt. I remember waking up in the middle of the night to a total throbbing ache in my legs, night after night. The pain was so persistent and nagging, I thought that it would never go away. But of course, the pain did go away, once my growth spurt was over. The pain was intense enough that I remember having it, but it got resolved, naturally, once my body had grown into its adult proportions.

That’s how growing pains work. They are painful enough to remember, but not painful enough to do any real major harm. In fact, that ache is just a reminder that a real and major metamorphosis is happening. We will never forget the collective pain and angst that 2020 has brought to the world, but we will come out of the other side of it all, stronger and wiser and better than before. The important thing is to remember that God/Universe loved and supported us before 2020, God/Universe loves and supports us through 2020 and God/Universe will love us when we reach the other side of all of this tumult. The important thing to remember is that no matter how intense the pain is, it is temporary, and in the meantime, we are always being held in the hands of a Great Love. Always.