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Let It Go (Again)

After my rant yesterday, you’ll be happy to know that I started my Zen meditation/art class yesterday and it was wonderful. And very much needed by me, at so many different levels. I think that the fun part of this empty nest stage in life is discovering yourself again. Surprising yourself about what intrigues you. Reminding yourself about what stirs your own inner core. You become your own major focus and project again, and in the beginning, it’s sort of a strange sensation. You almost feel a little shy and apprehensive, but you also feel a delightful curiosity and pleasure to get reacquainted with yourself. It’s like entering some place that you have been to long, long ago, but this time, you are seeing this place and visiting it again with “fresh eyes.” It’s almost like having a new puppy (or seeing glimpses of that “puppy” in your old dog self). Self discovery and rediscovery are the true blessings of the different stages of our lives.

I have written about “letting go” of outcomes, so many times on this blog, I think there are several dedicated pages and pages to the “letting go” topic. It seems to be one of those lessons in my own life that is going to keep on coming and coming and coming to me, until I finally “get it” and move on and let go . . . (ha!)

“If you hold on to the past (or even something in your present) too tightly, it will lead to anxiety and limit your perception of your options. Have faith in your ability to show up and cope with situations, even if they’re hard. Just because you don’t have evidence yet, doesn’t mean you’re not moving in the right direction.” – Jessica Lanyadoo

I like this reminder that I read yesterday. When you are holding on to your own limited sights and perceptions, and you hold on to what you want an outcome to be and believe that it should be, like a pitbull on a bone (and I am a stubborn old dog who is great at hanging on to my gnarly, rigid, well chewed on bones), you spend your present moments mired in anxiety and frustration and irritation. At this middle-aged stage of our lives, we’ve proven to ourselves, and to many others, the stones which we have to live life. We have gotten through at least 45+ years of life, and all of the ups and the downs and the surprises and the joys and the sorrows and the sweet stuff and the hard stuff and stuff that we never thought we could make it through, but we did. We did! We aren’t just survivors. We’re thrivers. So, word to me – “stubborn pitbull lady”, once you’ve done everything that is in your power to protect your bones, gather more bones, and enjoy your bones, it is then time to let some of them go. Bury the bones for later, or perhaps, for maybe never again. Just savor the bones that are fun to enjoy gnawing on in the present, and keep the faith that there will be more bones to enjoy in each coming day.

“Things don’t always go the way you planned. Fortunately.” – Anonymous

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

What I Was Going to Write

This was the rant that I was going to write:

I’m sorry that I am delayed here this morning. I was dealing with a couple of “customer service” (oxymoron) issues. I am not one who likes to stay mired in negativity and complaining. I believe that I am a fair and reasonable person and I’m as conflict-avoidant as anyone, but sometimes I feel like unless I become a real live, much parodied, angry, middle-aged, up-in-arms “Karen”, nothing happens. In society, we love to make fun of the “Karens” but there is a reason why the so-called “Karens” exist. You can’t just stand up for your rights assertively anymore. It’s like you have to jump through hoops until you become exhausted and hysterical and maniacal, and then somehow you then get turned into “the bad guy.” For years and years, I have preached to my family, if you want to get something done, you have to become their “PITA”. You have to make it so that their number one goal is just to get you out of their hair, whatever it takes. More than once, my family members have admitted, “Oh wow, you were right about that one, Mom.” It shouldn’t be this way. It shouldn’t become a “Where’s Waldo?” level 832 puzzle to find an actual, real live Customer Service person to speak to about a legitimate concern.

I am not an opportunist. I have integrity. I am all about fair solutions. I understand that the “Karen” memes were created to call out the true, obnoxious “Karens” of the world. But we have a world of choices out there, and businesses do not want to learn this the hard way.

But you don’t need all that extra negativity in your day, so instead, here’s a cute puppy:

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

The Right Questions

The quote above doesn’t fully apply to what I am writing about today, but I heard it in a TED Talk while researching more about the subject that I am writing about today, and since I use my blog as a thought catalog for me, and also for anyone else who wants to use it that way, Reba’s quote is clearly “a keeper.” I understand that it is one of those wonderful Irish wisdoms that has been passed down for many generations.

What do I want to write about today? Asking the right questions. I was listening to a podcast the other day in which a life coach said that the biggest problem in her business is that rarely do people come to her, for help in their lives, asking the right questions. So that perked my ears, but then as podcasts do, the conversation meandered away and I never heard “the right answer” to asking the right questions. Obviously it is an important skill. If you look up “asking the right questions” on the internet you get a gazillion quotes from highly respected, successful people about why asking the right questions is so important:

“The wise man doesn’t give the right answers, he poses the right questions.” – Claude Levi-Strauss

“One of the many qualities that separate self-made billionaires from the rest of us is their ability to ask the right questions.” – Justine Musk

“Ask the right questions, and the answers will always reveal themselves.” – Oprah Winfrey

“To ask the right question is already half the solution of a problem.” – Carl Jung

“If I had an hour to solve a problem and my life depended on it, I would spend the first 55 minutes, determining the proper question to ask, for once I know the proper question, I could solve the problem in less than 5 minutes.” – Albert Einstein

There are many, many more quotes emphasizing the importance of asking “the right questions” which I could list here, but if you’re like me, these quotes just create undue stress. As I’m reading them, I’m thinking, “I get it. I get it. I totally agree! But how do you know how to ask the right questions??” The answer to that question (which I would put into the category of a “right question”), proved to be a lot more elusive than the emphasis of just how important it is to ask the right questions in life.

Stephen Graves, who also has a life coaching business, and writes a blog on LinkedIn recommends learning how to ask the right questions by starting with asking yourself these five main questions about your own life, and answering them in a journal:

  1. Where did I come from?
  2. Who am I?
  3. Why am I here?
  4. How should I live?
  5. Where am I going?

Interestingly, the key to answering these questions shown above, is also the key to learning how to ask the right questions about anything. When answering these questions, get really, really curious about your answers. We adults are sadly not nearly as curious as we were when we were children. We think that we already know all of the answers, or we dread appearing stupid or naive for not knowing something that we deem that we should know. When answering the questions above, let your natural curiosity and the open mind of your inner child, take over with more questions. Why did I answer the question that way? Are there other ways this question could be answered? In her TED Talk, Caroline Reidy says that the best philosophers/inventors/innovators in the history of recorded time, are always looking at problems and situations in their own lives, and in the world around them, with these questions in mind: What could be better? How can things be improved? Why is this particular problem not solved?

Pretend that your own answers to the questions listed above, about yourself, are magical. They don’t have to be “realistic”. Let your imagination take over completely. You are writing the answers just to yourself, in your journal. What have you got to lose? Keep your questions about your answers open to potential and possibilities and wonderment. Stay with your child-like mind. Don’t go straight to the negatives. Einstein also said this, “Stay away from negative people. They have a problem for every solution.”

When answering the questions about yourself from above, it’s best to ask yourself open-ended questions that start with “Who? What? How?” which encourage you to add more to your answers. Don’t limit yourself. Be free and flourishing with your answers. Keep asking yourself, “And what else? And? And?” Write more and more and more . . . (Let your wrist get sore. This is in investment in YOU and your one and only life!)

In doing this exercise, you will see that asking yourself the questions, with curiosity, non-judgment and imagination, will get you to answers that are deep within yourself – sometimes surprising, interesting answers that maybe you didn’t even think were possible or worth considering. If you don’t like some of your answers, start asking yourself the questions of the greatest innovators: What could be better? How can things be improved? Why is this particular problem not solved?

A great mentor I had in my past would say that in order to help people, don’t give advice or commands. Ask them “the right” questions, in order to help them to get to their own answers and conclusions. It’s a really difficult skill to master. I’m so much better at spouting off-the-cuff advice and bossy commands (as others close their eyes, shut me out and doze off – rightfully so), but asking the right questions is one of the worthiest skills to aim for, because as so many smart people reiterate throughout the generations, asking the right questions is always the best way to get to the right answers.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Monday, September 11th

If there was any good that came out of that horrible, horrible day, it was that beautiful sense of connectedness with our fellow citizens, for weeks and months and maybe even a few years afterwards. If only we could use this day of remembrance to get back to prioritizing that deep feeling of compassion and unity, we would honor those who died in the highest way possible.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Soul Sunday

I adore Sunday mornings. I’m starting to think that they are almost as good as Fridays, and I LOVE Fridays. Play around with poetry today. Read it, write it, live it. Poetry allows us to read and to write secret messages to ourselves. It helps us to unravel the mysteries of life, as noticed particularly and uniquely by us. Poetry is powerful. My poem for today is below one of the many definitions of poetry, found in the dictionary.

“Felt Ear”

Why have we given contented a bad name?

A soft felt ear of a dog, lying and folding so delicately

in my hand, as I peer out into the sunlit stillness,

noticing no sudden movements nor longing to be anything

or anywhere but here. When we forget to be content,

we miss all of the beauty which we are building on,

and sometimes carelessly tearing down.

Every virtue has its shadow. Desire expands, as passion pulls

us outward but contentedness gives us the centering

to pull back in to what matters most. A soft felt ear . . .

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Ford Tough

I’m a scatterbrain this morning. We have a lot going on and a lot to do. So, honestly, I just googled “What to say when you have nothing to say.” Wow. Some suggestions were really weird and embarrassing. However, I came across a wonderful technique that would work for probably any socially awkward situation. An author and marketing specialist named Melissa Jeswald says that you should always make use of the acronym FORD (this is my week for acronym tips, huh?) when making conversation with people. People love to talk about themselves so FORD gives you the format for asking about people’s Family/Occupation/Recreation/Dreams. So if you have some socializing to do this weekend, remember to use your FORD. It won’t steer you wrong or into such taboo areas such as religion, politics, or health habits.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Friday C.R.A.P.

credit: THE-KEEP-CALM-O-MATIC

Here’s a couple of really good perspectives, for going into the weekend:

“When things are at their worst, you are at your best.” – what the extraterrestrial said about us humans, after visiting Earth, in the movie Starman

“Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone.” – Pablo Picasso

Happy Friday!! Happy Best Day of the Week!! On Fridays, I keep the deep thoughts for Jack Handey. (If you ever need a deep belly laugh for laughing at a statement that shouldn’t be funny, look up some of Jack Handey’s deep thoughts. They are hilarious and ridiculous and easily a favorite of mine, when I’m in the right snarky mood for them.) Anyway, today’s favorite is a technique I heard about in a podcast. It’s a way to get rid of your negative thoughts and worries and ruminations, devised by people who study neuroscience. It’s called the C.R.A.P. board. C.R.A.P. stands for Conflict/Resistances/Anxieties/Problems. If you write all of the situations down in your own life that would fall under any of these categories, on to a piece of paper, and then do a few relaxing things like yawning, stretching, deep breathing, while looking at your C.R.A.P. board, supposedly this tricks your brain into believing that it can stop ruminating on, and trying to fix all of your C.R.A.P. because your C.R.A.P. is “stored”, and really not such a big deal. The three minute video below by the creator of the C.R.A.P. board, Mark Waldman, goes into more detail with it. I’ve only started mine this week, so I can’t attest to how well it works, but it was a worthwhile experience for me, just to put my own C.R.A.P. into perspective. For instance, lately I have been telling myself and anyone who is willing to listen to me, just how “stuck” certain things have been in my life. Interestingly, though, when I took a relaxed, detached look at “the stuck list” which I had written on to my C.R.A.P. board, I noticed that nothing there on the list was truly stuck. Every situation on the list is progressing, just not as quickly as I deem it should be going. The experts on the podcast I was listening to, kept repeating the idea that our beliefs and our stories that we tell ourselves are just thoughts that we keep thinking repeatedly, until they become embedded as our beliefs and stories about ourselves and life in general. Making a C.R.A.P. board can help you to find and weed out some of the faulty belief systems you may have programmed into yourself with your repeated, unexamined negative thoughts.

https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=10153317002418658

Get rid of your C.R.A.P. and have a great weekend, friends!! See you tomorrow!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Like Rugrats

Trip, our Boykin spaniel, is out getting groomed by our mobile pet groomer, Angelica (and she is an Angel, because Trip is probably the devil in canine form). When I first met Angelica, she said, “Hi, I’m Angelica, you know, like on Rugrats.” I remember thinking to myself, “I wonder if her mother ever thought that this is how her daughter would introduce herself when she named her beautiful baby ‘Angelica’.” But honestly, I have never forgotten Angelica’s name, and although I’m ashamed to admit it, I’m not the best with names. However, whenever Angelica’s van pulls up to my house, this is the first picture that comes to mind:

Recently I reached out to an author named Tamara. She says that she introduces herself to everyone with a Dr. Seuss-like rhyming twist, so they’ll remember her name more easily. “Hi. I’m Tam-I-Am.” (She likes to go by the nickname “Tam”.) So when I emailed her, I started with “Hi, I’m Kelly-Bo-Belly.” Seriously. But then I thought, do I really want to call attention to my belly??? Oh well, too late, this go around.

Tam-I-Am claims that she also adds, “from Maine” to her introduction of herself to other people. “Hello, I’m Tam-I-Am from Maine.” She claims this makes for a great conversation starter because people either love Maine, or they are, at the very least, extremely curious about it. This reminds me of a woman I met, whom I will forever call, “Linda From Dunedin”. We have an adorable little town near to us called “Dunedin”. It’s Scottish and extremely hard to pronounce, for any visitors who aren’t in the know. It’s not pronounced “Doon-din” or “Dun-uh-din”. The correct pronunciation is “Duh-Knee-Din” (at least around here). Anyway, I met Linda From Dunedin at a women’s group, and that’s how she introduced herself to everyone. To this day, I don’t know anyone from that group who calls her just “Linda” anymore.

How do you introduce yourself to people? What about you is unique and memorable? You are the only, one-of-a-kind you someone will ever get the privilege to meet, and if they’re really lucky, get to know. As a name remembering trick, it is a common tip to try to tie someone’s name with how they look, or where they are from, or from a character in a book or a show that reminds you of them. Angelica Like Rugrats, Tam-I-Am, and Linda From Dunedin have already done the hard part of that trick for people. They know that people will want to remember them. And people with that kind of self-confidence and panache and “Hello World! attitude” usually are the memorable, interesting people in the world who make you feel happy and lucky to have met them. And even luckier if the relationship grows.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Dessert Menu Please

The other day, my husband and I got our calendars together to try to figure out and schedule fun “empty nest” plans – events, weekends away, etc. It was then that I noticed that our weekends in September were already filled up with plans with one or more of our grown kids. (Plans our kids came up with – not us.) If you are at all worried about loneliness in your soon-to-be upcoming empty nest, don’t be. My friends and family who have grandchildren (and yes, I’m so jealous) always say that having grandchildren is THE BEST. They always say that it is like getting the “dessert” part of raising kids. It’s so sweet and delightful and fun and easy and breezy. With grandchildren, you don’t have the worries, the everyday mundane stuff, the constant responsibilities, and when you are exhausted, the grandkids go back home. Everything that happens with grandkids is easy to laugh off as adorable, lovable, and easily solvable (by somebody else). Interestingly, I’ve been noticing lately that the empty nest also seems to give you the “dessert” part of your own kids, now that they are grown adults, with their own separate lives. It’s a lot of fun. It’s easy and breezy. The worries and the mood swings and having to juggle everyone’s crazy schedules are no longer on my everyday plate. And when we all start to get on each other’s nerves, we all head back to our own homes, to make our own meals, and to do our own laundry. Once you get past the “wow, that whole raising a family bit, it really went by so fast” existential shock of it all, empty nest is truly lovely. And the hatchlings still fly by the nest for visits, here and there, and sometimes even more often than you would think. And that’s when you get to savor being with the “dessert versions” of your own children, and they, too, get to experience the sweetest part of you.

“Desserts are the fairy tales of the kitchen – a happily-ever-after to supper.” – Terri Guillemets

“Dessert is a necessity of life.” – Adrienne Posey

“Work is the meat of life, pleasure the dessert.” – B. C. Forbes

“I love dessert. I can’t be guilty about it because I have to taste everything. I experiment.” – Martha Stewart

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

How to Say I Love You

Yesterday afternoon, I lounged on my porch and I read, in between lazily throwing balls into the pool for Trip and Ralphie to continuously retrieve. (Ralphie and Trip are our true-to-their nature sporting dogs, and all the while, Josie, our true-to-her-nature herding dog, was tirelessly nipping at their heels and earnestly making sure that they got out of the pool, again and again. This morning, we have three exhausted dogs, which makes for a nice, peaceful, uninterrupted morning for this writer gal. All by design . . . ) As I was reading and pondering, something in my reading and meditating and contemplating, sparked me to write this exact text to myself:

“What do you want from this day? From this experience? From your relationships? How do you want to feel? What kinds of outcomes are you looking for? Don’t be a reactor, be a visionary.”

We so often forget that we are the creators of our living experience. The job, the relationships, where we live, how we spend our time, what we eat and drink, what we think about, what we ruminate on, our hobbies, etc. are all of our own choices. If you don’t like some of your choices, you have the ability to change them. You are the one who brought them into your life in the form which they are in, so you have the ability to choose differently. Don’t pick “the victim stance”. It limits you so much.

All of the inspirational reading and listening I have done throughout my entire life – the books, the articles, the cutesy signs, the memes, the meditations, the quotes, really all circle around to the same overall ideas: Be intentional. Be grateful. Be HERE in the present now. Make conscious choices.

And here’s a big one that I want to finish out my year reminding myself and making it a forever practice (and this is a tough one, as a mother of four adult kids who are spread all over the east coast, and as one who has aging relatives and friends, and as one who when she loves, she loves hard and full and deep with her big ol’ entire heart) Worry does not equal love. I am not loving you in the best way that I can when I am worried about you. I put fear energy all around you when I worry about you. It makes you seem small, weak, and victim-like. I am loving you best when I believe in you – when I believe in your strength, and your vision, and your abilities, and when I have faith that Something/Someone so much bigger than all of us, is in your corner, keeping you safe, helping you to carry out your living purpose, which is for the better sake of all of us on this Earth, combined.

I have noticed that when I tell people whom I care about, “I don’t worry about you” and I say it with a tone that implies, ‘I know that you are going to be fine, more than fine. You’ve got the right attitude, heart, and guides to see you through’, this firm statement makes them sit up straighter and feel more empowered and confident than almost anything else I could say to them. “I don’t worry about you,” might be one of the most beautiful variations of “I love you” that we have in our spoken/written communication. Fear is the opposite of love. Worry equals fear, not love.

Readers, continue this beautiful year of your life, living fully and intentionally. Be grateful for all that you have created and will continue to create in your one and only unique life. Finish strong. I know that you will. I love you, readers. I don’t worry about you.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.