admin, Author at Adulting: Second- Half

Respect the X

I am a Gen-Xer and I’m proud of that fact. No one is too concerned about Gen X. We are sandwiched in between two huge, loud, stereotyped, sometimes seemingly self-absorbed generations, those being the Baby Boomers and the Millennials. Marketers and historians are much more interested in these two generations. I was on a reunion trip with some college friends a couple of years ago. A friend who works for a remodelers’ association was telling us what people were currently looking for in home features. She listed the different things that the Boomers like and how that differed from what the Millennials want in their homes.

“So, what are they saying about what our generation wants?” we all asked her.

She looked uncomfortable and stated awkwardly, “They really haven’t studied us.” In short, no one cares.

You know what, though? I used to think of us Gen-Xers as cast-off victims. We were never expected to amount to much, often being painted as aimless slackers when we were younger. And that’s okay. You know why? When there are no expectations, you have a lot of freedom. We Gen-Xers do things are own way, without the ropes of stereotypes. I’d venture to say that we are probably the most individualistic generation because no one has bothered to paint their perceptions about us too much. We have been defined, by more than one source, as independent, resourceful and self-sufficient. Perhaps the blessings of those positive qualities come from being mostly ignored.

I like to think of us Gen-Xers as the tortoise versus the hare. We’re not flashy, assuming, or entitled. We fly under the radar, and we like it that way. Have you ever watched a movie with a lot of dramatic, colorful characters going through all kinds of trials, and in that movie there is that one “Steady Eddie” character in the background? That steady character that I’m talking about is the calm in the storm; the guy who rises above the fray, just quietly doing his thing and keeping the peace. After you watch a movie like that and you think about all of the crazy antics of the high profile characters, you start really appreciating “the guy in the background doing his thing.” In fact, sometimes you realize that “that unassuming guy” was actually your favorite character in the movie. Today I give my respect to my fellow Gen-Xers. Today, I think you guys are my favorite characters in this movie called Life.

A Very Important Day

Happy Veterans Day! Thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who has served and their family members, as well. I am so grateful for the many freedoms that my family and I enjoy and cherish, because our great military has protected our beautiful, free country. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I particularly want to send a proud shout-out to my father, my father-in-law and grandfathers (all three deceased), my sister-in-law, my uncle and my cousin for their selfless service to our country. Thank you, truly.

“The soldier above all others prays for peace, for it is the soldier who must suffer and bear the deepest wounds and scars of war.” – Douglas MacArthur

“True heroism is remarkably sober, very undramatic. It is not the urge to surpass all others at whatever cost, but the urge to serve others at whatever cost.” – Arthur Ashe

To Err is Human

There’s a scene in the movie Ingrid Goes West where two of the characters borrowed another friend’s truck and they don’t return it on time, causing him to miss an important event. On top of that, they don’t answer his frantic calls and they drive the truck while intoxicated and high and wreck it, causing significant damage to it. When they finally return the truck the next morning, dents and all, the apology given to the truck owner is so flimsy, light, and half-hearted, you would have thought they had just stepped on his toe. “Sorry, it was an accident,” was basically the flippant, flat reparation given to the stunned victim.

The movie is a comedy of sorts and you do find yourself laughing at the absurd audacity of the lack of concern on the characters’ parts, for the serious distress and upset they caused for their friend. I think why this scene seems so appallingly funny, is because most of us do the exact opposite. When we do something wrong or make a mistake, we flog ourselves endlessly for days on end, until finally we find another mistake that we have made to punish ourselves for, and we move on to punishing ourselves for the new offense.

“Dwelling on mistakes will not erase them.” – Smart Thinking, twitter

Sometimes it feels like, if we beat ourselves up enough, then that will beat the mistake into thin air, like it never happened. We all know that doesn’t work, but we certainly give it the “old college try”, don’t we?

“Your best teacher is your last mistake.” -Smart Thinking, twitter

If we change our perspective on our mistakes, we learn a lot from them. That is certainly a more fruitful thing to do than beating ourselves up into a state of despondency that is doing nothing for us or for the person or persons whom we hurt. Bottom line, we all make mistakes and errors of judgment. This is part of our being human. We need to own our transgressions, apologize soulfully from our hearts and empathize with what it must feel like for the person we hurt, in order to best deal with and move through our mistake. Next, we need to make fair amends where we can, by doing what we can do to compensate for the pain that we caused for another being. And finally, we need to forgive ourselves and let it go. Whether the other party chooses to forgive us, is up to them and on their own time schedule. We can still forgive ourselves, though. Feeling forgiveness, like happiness, is an inside job that we do for ourselves in order to live in a peaceful, emotional state.

When we learn from our mistakes, we can almost change our perspective to see the lessons that they bring to us, as astute gifts of wisdom. Sometimes the person we have hurt is ourselves, and we must take the very same steps to work through the offense of hurting ourselves, so that we can move on with a clear, peaceful conscience and the wisdom to do better in the future.

“What was your best experience?

Answer: It was your worst experience.

Why?

Because it was so convincing.” -unknown

A Little Friday in Your Coffee

“I put a little Friday in your coffee. You’re welcome!” – as seen on the internet

So, I got a text alert yesterday informing parents and kids at my children’s high school that ordering food through Uber Eats to be delivered to the high school, is not allowed. There is an 8-year difference between my eldest and youngest child. It’s amazing the changes in text alerts from the high school that have happened in just those eight years! I’m pretty sure that we didn’t even get text alerts in the first couple of years that my eldest son was in high school. We live in a fast-paced, quick-changing world, for sure.

Anyway, it’s FRIDAY!!! Yeah, baby!! New readers, first of all thank you for coming. It warms my heart to connect with all of my readers every morning. I love starting my days thinking of you and being grateful for our connection! I keep it fun on Friday. I call Fridays – FTF – Favorite Things Friday. On Fridays, I list three favorites of mine that I think are wonderful additions to my life and therefore, I recommend them to you. PLEASE tell us some of your favorites in the comments section. Fridays usually put all of us in the consuming frame-of-mind!

Just got paid, Friday night
Party huntin’, feelin’ right
Body shakin’, all around (Body shakin’ all around)
No one thinks when I’m gettin’ down – Johnny Kemp

Here we go:

Tusk Leather Products – Probably two decades ago, is when I first discovered Tusk leather wallets. I purchased the most beautiful Tusk checkbook cover I have ever owned or will ever own again. Tusk leather is so so soft, so well-done and the neatest part of their collection that is that there is usually a special “twist” in their products. Meaning my gorgeous checkbook cover has a brown alligator look on the outside, but has a vibrant, bright red soft leather interior. I also have a fabulous lime green zebra print passport cover made by Tusk that has a vivid orange interior and a lush dark purple make-up bag. I will never give these items up, no matter how tattered they get, that is how much I love them. Just yum!!

Bar Necklace by My Name Necklace – So when you are at informative, intellectual websites and you see those annoying flashing advertisements on the side of the website, usually flashing products that you have already looked at but passed on, do you wonder to yourself, “Oh, please, who gets sucked into clicking on these ads and buying those things??” Ummm, me. I admit it, and now I am recommending one of those products. As you all know by now, I have four kids. I purchased this bar necklace that has all four of my children’s names engraved on each side of the bar and I love it! It’s become one of my favorite pieces of jewelry and I have A LOT of jewelry. This website has so many variations on engrave-able jewelry and it’s nice quality and won’t break the bank. Their items would make great gifts for any mothers on your list.

Kenra Blow-Dry Spray – I read about this hair product in an article about the best-selling, most highly rated products on Amazon. It claimed to cut the time that it takes to blow-dry your hair, in half. I’m not sure that the time has been cut in half, but it is definitely a shortened amount of time. The smell of this product is so lovely and I love the effects it has on my hair and my mood and my joints (from not having to hold up my blow dryer for such a long time!). Try it, you’ll like it.

As always, we end on a serious note on Friday (not!):

“It’s amazing to me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.” – Penny’s Passion

Happy weekend, my friends!! Love you!!

My Prayer

Dear God,

I am so fatigued by the pain, anger and divisiveness that is constantly creeping its way throughout our collective being until it bursts out into the open, in the physical form of unspeakable acts of violence and cruelty. Please guide me through this fatigue to the reality that what appears is not real. The real truth is that we are all One. We are all Love. Like a broken mirror, broken into a gazillion little pieces, we are still all one in the same. Each little shard of this mirror would still show the same reflection of You, of Light and of Love, even if some of the shards are completely clouded by the filth of fear, pain, and hate. Please help me to see the light in all beings, no matter how dim it appears. Please remind me of the real, true power of the collective light of Love. Help me to notice that we are all just different cells with different purposes in this Great Body. Remind me that we all make up the trunk, branches, leaves, and roots of this beautiful Tree of Life. You are the vast ocean, dear God, and we are the waves. We are all One. There are many, many paths that lead to you, God. Please help us to all turn our faces, our hearts, and our intuitive compasses, to the way that leads to the Light, so that all of our paths to You are headed to the only destiny that there really is, in the end. This is the destiny of Love.

Thank you for my faith and my hope and my inner peace that All is Well.

Amen.

I am a Writer.

I’ve been trying on this “new identity” for a few months now. I’m allowing myself to be called a “writer.” Writing is something that I have always done in non-formal ways. I have always liked to write “for me”, but this is the first time that I have really gotten honest and serious, with myself and with the world, that I identify as a writer. I imagine that’s how it goes for a lot of people. Artists probably do a lot of scribbling and filling drawing pads before they say, “This is what feels right. This is a huge part of me. This is a great passion of mine. This is not just my hobby. I am an artist.” I believe that is the same for photographers, dancers, actors, decorators, etc. – basically anyone who finds their way of being in the world, fulfilled through the creative arts.

It has been said many times that writers are the observers of life. Susan Sontag put it this way:

“A writer is someone who pays attention to the world – a writer is a professional observer.”

Another quote I read recently is this (unfortunately I can’t find the source):

“A good writer reveals the truth even when he or she does not wish to . . . ”

I don’t consider myself a very observant person. I would make a terrible witness. I couldn’t tell you what cars my friends drive and I often walk around with stained shirts without even realizing it. When I was very young, I learned early not to “bet my life” on any detail of anything, because more often than not, I had the particular detail flat-out wrong. (long story for another time) I’ve always considered myself a “big picture” person, but the details seem to go right over my head.

I said to my husband, “Maybe I’m not a writer. I’m not at all observant.” He said, “You are observant about what you care about.”

Another quote struck me recently. This is from one of my favorite writers, Mark Twain. He said:

“The two most important days in your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why.”

Now, Mark wasn’t a woman, so I don’t think that he had that completely right. All of us mothers knew a great, instant purpose in our lives, when we first gazed into our newborn babies’ eyes. The connection we feel for our children, and the gift and privilege that the Universe entrusts in us, by allowing us to bring them into the world is enough reason “why” for eternity’s sake.

Still, we as mothers also know that we do a disservice to our children if we don’t find out “the other whys” to our own existence. We cannot swallow our children whole and pilfer their “purposes in life”, as our own. If we do that, we steal from them, us and the world. We are all meant to bloom separately, so that the bouquet of Life is as full and flourishing and beautiful as it is meant to be.

In short, it is a great blessing in this middle stage of life, to be taking on a new title, a new identity, a new way of being in the world and owning it. I am a mother. I am a wife. I am a daughter, sister, friend, aunt, niece, citizen, child of the Universe and I am a writer.

Risky Business

I will never politicize this blog, but I do want to say that I will be happy when this day is over. I am so sick of the robocalls! Our home phone which is typically a dust collector has been called so much lately that it’s hot to the touch. I’m sure that I don’t have to tell blog readers to go vote. Most of us probably already have voted. I remember as a kid, there was only one day and one option as to where to go vote, and my sister and I would stand in line forever with my parents at the local elementary school library with our neighbors, well into the evening, on voting days. I know that I am going to sound like a cranky old lady who walked miles to school, in three feet of snow, uphill both ways (that is all mostly true), but there really are no excuses when it comes to voting. It is our civic duty and great privilege. Did you hear that, kids? (I have two “voting age” sons and one who just missed the cut-off – oh my goodness, I still can’t believe that my kids are this old.)

For some reason Madeleine Albright has been on my mind lately. I remember reading about her biography years ago. I haven’t actually read the biography, but I read enough about it to find it intriguing. Madeleine Albright was our first female Secretary of State. She was age 60 when that occurred. Interestingly, she did not have big political or frankly, career aspirations for a lot of her life. She was happy raising her three daughters, taking classes to earn her Ph.D. and supporting her husband’s career. When her husband decided to leave her for another woman, and they later divorced, is when Madeleine started to take a career in politics seriously. She was 45-years-old at that time.

I’m not here to discuss whether Madeleine Albright did or didn’t do a good job being our Secretary of State. What I do find inspiring is that she was able to rise to such an important position in our country and in history, in her later life. It was not her life’s ambition to be a politician. I really like this quote of hers:

“Women can’t do everything at the same time, we need to understand milestones in our lives come in segments.”

I find that quote comforting. It’s okay to put our focus on different aspects of our lives at different times. Sometimes our families will have the focus of our lives, sometimes it will be our careers and creative pursuits, and sometimes it will be our romantic relationships. Sometimes the focus will just be on our own overall health – mental, spiritual and physical. The key is that it is impossible to be highly focused on all areas of our lives, all at once. When we try to do that, we just get scattered, stressed and end up doing a lackluster job at everything.

My husband left an article recently published in the Wall Street Journal on my desk. It talked about a divide that is occurring between the older generation and the younger generations coming up. The article stated that to close up the divide, we should take the opportunity to fulfill the needs that we all have, while going through our living experience together. There is an biological/historical argument that older people are programmed to have the need to nurture and younger people have the need to be nurtured. Successful daycare programs have been set up combining the very young with the very old. In Britain, a woman in her fifties and financially able to retire early, set up a program for other people like herself to give back to society, in the teaching capacity. There was so much interest for people wanting to teach in their later years, that there is a waiting list for being part of this program!

“Today is the doorstep between everything until now and everything from now.”- Ophira and Tali Edut

It’s never too late to get started on an old dream, a new dream, or just to start to dream again. We all have something to give and to do, until they day that we take our final breath. Smart Thinking (one of my favorite Twitter feeds) posted this the other day – “Your death clock started ticking the day you were born.” I don’t mean to sound morbid or scary by stating that quote. I honestly find that statement to be freeing and daring. I think that the sooner you make peace with the fact that death is inevitable, the more the focus becomes on truly taking advantage of living and all of the glories that come with the experience of living.

Today is the day to take risks. I always tell my kids that you should always ask for what you want. The worst case scenario is that the answer will be “no”, but that only means that you’ll just be in the same position that you are in right now. I’ll end with another quote from Smart Thinking:

“Take risks. If you win, you’ll be happy. If you lose, you’ll be wise.”

Feelings Flow Freely

I’m “Moody Trudy” today, readers. I can’t really explain why. I had a great weekend with my family. I love the extra hour of sleep the fall Daylight Savings Times gifts to us. Sometimes you just wake up with the weight of the world on your shoulders and you need some time to let the Bigger Hands lift the weight off. My poor husband look bewildered and worried as usually “happy-go-lucky me” couldn’t read the news to him, like I do every morning, without choking up at the grim, dark stories that seem to be piling up these days, with a crazy momentum that needs to be slowed.

It’s okay to feel sad sometimes. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed and scared. It’s important to let yourself feel your feelings. Feelings won’t kill you. The goal is to feel your feelings and let them pass through you, because they always do. I’m feeling lifted already as I write this.

“Listen to your feelings, but don’t dance to them.” -unknown

It is important to use your feelings as a navigation system, but don’t become them. Don’t let your feelings swallow up your identity. Often it is your thoughts that are big cause of your feelings. So when you are feeling a “negative” feeling, it is good to examine the thoughts that are creating that feeling. Often the thoughts that create negative feelings aren’t even really true or they are greatly exaggerated. Sometimes we give too much credence to the thoughts of others and claim these thoughts as our own, without even realizing it.

“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not surrounded by assholes.” – Notorious d.e.b.

When the negative thoughts and feelings arise, it’s best not to resist them. It’s best not to bury them, because then they often end up showing up in our physical bodies as illness or pain. If we let our emotions flow like water, we will quickly return to our more tranquil way of being.

“We cannot write in water . . . we cannot carve in water. Water’s nature is to flow and that is how we should treat life . . . emotion, negative or positive. Do not deny it, but always let it flow through and then away.” – Dr. Tae Yun Kim

At the very least, when I am feeling lowly, I can usually tap into my compassion for others in a deep way. When you are typically a cheery, upbeat person, people sometimes don’t realize that you feel sad at times, too. We are all great at creating outsides that make others believe that it wouldn’t be possible for us to ever feel despondent. When you have a nice house, a good marriage, healthy kids, etc. you even sometimes judge yourself for having sad thoughts. But the spectrum of emotion belongs to us all. No one is immune to the rainbow hues of feelings, thoughts and sensitivities that ebb and flow through all of us on a daily basis.

“People can be so quiet about their pain, that you forget that they are hurting. That is why it is so important to always be kind.” – Nikita Gill

Fill the Desire

For a few minutes at a time, instead of being the one who does the desiring, imagine instead that everything desires you: Your morning coffee really wants you to taste it; The trees are yearning for you to notice the bright green of their leaves; The breeze wants you to enjoy it’s soft touch on your cheek; Even the ground under your shoes is waiting for you to notice the lively sensation it creates as you walk.
Suddenly, the world lights up — and so do you.
—Jane Brunette

I thought that this was a perfect Sunday morning quote. It adds an element of excitement and anticipation to the day. It makes you feel like the everyday items of your life are conspiring with you to really make life come alive in the fullest of ways. As I am typing this, I am believing that the words want to come out and that the keyboard is thrilled with my touch. For the first time in a long time, I am noticing how cool and smooth my keyboard buttons are to touch. I am glancing outside and noticing for the first time in a while, that the trees in the nature preserve, across our small lake are like a gorgeous stand-still display for me to look out and admire whenever I want to, in order to behold their still, strong collective, astonishing beauty. The trees never leave their strong positions, even if I spend days forgetting that they are there. My tile floor feels so cool and soothing to my feet and that sensation moves up my legs to bring comfort to my entire body.

Everything in creation wants to do what it was designed to do. Everything wants to suit its purpose and feel appreciated for the meaningful part it plays in this unfolding of Life. Sunday is the perfect day for noticing, for noticing everything and in noticing everything, feeling deep gratefulness and awe of it all.

All I Want For Christmas

With the holidays approaching, I am guessing that many middle-aged women like me are silently cursing Normal Rockwell and Martha Stewart. I suspect that many of us are starting to wish for the same thing that we wish that Santa would bring us every year. The item that we would like, as a very extraordinary Christmas present from Santa, is a very specialized magic wand that would magically make all of the players in the holiday season behave in their best easy-going, kind-hearted, thoughtful, understanding, non-confrontational way – the very way that we would like for them to behave. This magic wand would magically turn our spouse, our children, our children’s significant others, our children’s friends, our parents, our siblings, our nieces and nephews, our in-laws, our extended family, our friends, our neighbors, our colleagues, our pets, the UPS delivery person, the store clerks, the other people in the stores, the credit card companies and Amazon Prime, into everything that we would like for them to be, in order for the holidays to go smoothly and swimmingly.

With all of the advances in artificial intelligence, this technology may not be as far off as we think. We could have a little button on the wand that would put everyone and everything into “happy, congenial, helpful, smooth-going” mode. And if the players aren’t behaving in their best holiday spirit, we could press the pause button on them, like a technological time-out. It would be like the sci-fi show Westworld, only it would be Christmas World.

Of course, the Catch-22, that we controlling, stressed-out, middle-aged female heads of households never think about when fantasizing about these fantastic magic wands, is that the players in our lives would very much like to use them on us. When I get a little too frazzled, I imagine those who love me most, would love to put me on “pause” and shove me in the corner for a little breathing space for all parties involved. Wow, if these magic wands did exist, and everyone was using them, would everything just be frozen in “pause” mode throughout the entire holiday season? Would we all just look like a Christmas village display, frozen in time? Maybe the answer isn’t the magic wand with a pause button, after all. Maybe it’s just coming to a healthy acceptance that during the holidays, the messiness of life comes into acute focus. The family shenanigans, the money worries, the reality of everyone’s frenetic schedules, trying to stay healthy and eat right through temptation, the feeling of grief for loved ones passed, all come to a messy crescendo during the holidays. And when things are messy, many of us middle-aged mommas go into “extra-mode” trying to cover up all of the messiness with ribbons, and bows, and tinsel, and sugar cookies. We try to make it all appear like perfection. Perhaps if we just accept that the messiness is there, and that it is okay that it is there, and it is not our duty to fix it all, we can just let go, and relax. When I’m relaxed, I tend to be more easy-going, kind-hearted, thoughtful, understanding and non-confrontational. When I look at all of the holiday madness through my relaxed lens, things look more charming and beautiful, maybe a even a little Norman Rockwell-ish or Martha Stewart-ish at times.