Ambiguous Grief

“People don’t become estranged from safe people.” – Josh Connelly

I’m not going to go into details, but I’m sad to say that I have been estranged from certain family members for several years now, and the choice to go no contact with these family members is the most difficult, yet most necessary decision which I have ever made in my life. And although this is definitely the right decision for me to have made, it is something that pains me greatly. It feels like a grieving process that never ever ends. When someone is still alive whom you grieve for, it is called ambiguous grief and it is sad, and confusing and never ending, and still filled with a tiny twinge of unhelpful hope. It’s hard to come to complete acceptance and closure in this situation. It’s hard to assuage the feelings of guilt, realizing that you may have inflicted some ambiguous grief on to someone else, only because for your own health and sanity, you had to make the choice to disengage completely from the relationship.

I knew that these particular relationships were unhealthy since I was a child. When I was a teenager I would comb the library trying to understand what I knew was wrong, but I didn’t have a name for it. When I first entered therapy in my twenties (hiding my car in a separate parking lot, terrified someone would know that I was there) I learned the term narcissism. This was in the 1990s. The internet was hardly what it is now. I had never heard the term “narcissism” before and it was such a relief to have an understanding of what was clearly happening in some of my closest relationships. I also learned terms like “enmeshment” and “boundaries” and “emotional abuse.” I know that you can find a gazillion resources about these terms on the internet now and that is a Godsend, but at the time, these resources were not so readily available.

It took me another twenty years, until I was in my mid-forties, having gone through years of therapy (two different therapists, plus group therapy, plus codependency help groups, plus online support, plus reading every self-help book available to me about the subject that I could get my hands on), and having tried every boundary suggestion possible, in order to make these relationships still work in my life, that I finally hit my bottom. My pitcher was full, and I could not take another drop of pain. I finally realized that nothing was going to change, and for the health and sanity of myself, and to be the best mother and wife for my immediate family, I had to go no contact with these people. It broke my heart. I’m a “fixer.” I wanted to “fix this” more than anything else. But it couldn’t be fixed. It took every bit of strength and courage that I had in me to make this decision to go no contact with these family members, and to stick with it. It still does.

Like I said, I don’t want to get into too many personal details, but I wanted to write this for those of you who may be questioning someone else’s choice to be estranged from their family members. (It’s more common than you think.) I assure you, these decisions are NOT made easily. They are grueling, and long in coming, after years and years and years, of trying and hoping and enduring great suffering. And estrangement isn’t even a perfect solution. It’s just the better of two evils. And once the decision is made, more societal shame is often heaped upon the victims for making this decision. It’s interesting to me that people are quick to “guilt” people who leave toxic relationships with people whom they are related to, but these same people are also quick to “guilt” people who are in toxic romantic relationships, to get out and to stay out. Why should anyone remain in any toxic relationship, no matter what that relationship happens to be?

I am happily married for almost 30 years. Our four adult children are thriving in their adult lives and we have great relationships with all of them. We live in a nice house and take nice trips and walk our nice dogs. I have sometimes gotten the insinuations from people that since I have a “great” life, I couldn’t have possibly lived through decades of abuse. If you could only realize how hard I have worked for my “great” life, making it my biggest goal and priority above all else, working on myself and my feelings and my understandings, every single day of my life to this day, you would understand better. People hide the hard stuff they go through. It’s our human nature. It’s our survival instincts. Often we hide the truth from ourselves, keeping ourselves in denial of the bad stuff, and of the toxic degree of the bad stuff, because it’s our only way through it . . . . until it isn’t.

I’m fortunate that I have dear friends and family who have supported me wholeheartedly throughout this experience, and I am forever grateful to you all. I love you all so much. I know that a lot of people don’t have this same kind of support and understanding. You all have helped me to heal in so many ways, and to open my heart to trust, more than you could ever understand. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I am writing this today to help others in my position, as you’ve gotten to know me and my heart, throughout my years of writing this blog. If you can accept and support me with this revelation that I have made today, please extend this same love, acceptance and support to others who have also had to make this dreadful decision, in their own lives. We really don’t know what anyone is dealing with in their private lives. This isolation and abuse is a lot to bear, without the extra pain of quick judgments, and guilt trips heaped onto a situation that you have not personally lived through, and you can’t possibly understand. People rarely lie about abuse. And accepting abuse is self-abuse, and no form of abuse is okay.

If you are a person struggling in any toxic relationship, please reach out for help. There are thankfully so many resources available now, thanks to the explosion of the internet and the new focus on the need for advances in mental health. Abusers thrive in secrecy. Accepting and sharing your truth, the truth, WILL set you free. It won’t be easy. But you deserve your own love more than anyone else in the world deserves it. You are the only one who can save you, and when you start doing that, you will be shocked at all of the support coming out of the woodwork to hear you, and to help you to help yourself.

“Less ‘You’re so strong’ and more ‘That looks heavy. Let me help you carry it.” – Nate Postlewait

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

1329. Where is the strangest place you have ever fallen asleep?