Good morning. I’ve had the most restful, restorative, balancing weekend. My husband has off of work today, so we both slept in. When we finally woke up, after experiencing a weekend full of rain showers, we looked out of our windows to witness a marvelous, sunny day. The picture above is the top of our screened in porch. The rain drops are sitting on top and they are being kissed by the sunlight and so they are creating the most beautiful, rainbow-y, glittery cover you’d ever want to see. Nature never ceases to amaze me.
Yesterday, I read an interesting article. Sarah Sloat wrote an article for The Atlantic about “eldest-daughter syndrome”. Here are some quotes from the article:
“Women are expected to be nurturers. Firstborns are expected to be exemplars. Trying to be everything for everyone is likely to lead to guilt when some obligations are inevitably unfulfilled.”
“Being an eldest daughter means frequently feeling like you’re not doing enough, like you’re struggling to maintain a veneer of control, like the entire household relies on your diligence.”
“At least, that’s what a contingent of oldest sisters has been saying online. Across social-media platforms, they’ve described the stress of feeling accountable for their family’s happiness, the pressure to succeed, and the impression that they aren’t being cared for in the way they care for others. Some are still teens; others have grown up and left home but still feel over-involved and overextended. As one viral tweet put it, “are u happy or are u the oldest sibling and also a girl”? People have even coined a term for this: “eldest-daughter syndrome.”
I’m the eldest daughter and I found the article to be relatable, but I’m not convinced that it is just an “eldest daughter” thing. I think that it is a daughter thing. I think that it is a woman thing. I’ve known many eldest daughters who didn’t fit the definition of “people pleasing kin-keeper.” They set out on their own, striving for adventure and independence much like their brothers. However, unlike their brothers, they were often shamed for their actions, or made to feel selfish or unnatural.
Last month, my daughter brought home some college friends to attend a local festival in our area that is somewhat akin to our city’s own Mardi Gras. She also included some dear high school friends who attend different universities. Her boyfriend, who is also a student at a different university than our daughter, was also in town to celebrate with his friends. And our youngest son lives downtown near to where the festivities would be, and so our daughter wanted to be sure to see him and celebrate with him as well. At the end of the night, when our daughter and her friends, who were staying with us, came home, they all looked exhausted but happily satiated . . . . except our daughter. She looked mostly exhausted. She had been so busy trying to coordinate everyone else’s great times that she felt depleted, frustrated and slightful resentful that no one seemed to notice the efforts that she had gone to for this event. I hugged her hard and I snidely said, “Welcome to womanhood.”
What woman has not felt any of the emotions above? What woman has not felt any guilt for not fulfilling traditional society’s definitions of nurturer, daughter, sister, mother, etc.? What woman has not felt some secret resentment that the men in her life are not subject to these same standards and expectations? What woman has never asked herself, “I’m happy that everyone is having a wonderful time, but who in the hell is taking care of me? Who really cares if I am doing alright?”
When we “give to get” that’s called codependence. When we get all of our self-worth from what we do for others, without keeping what we are doing for ourselves, as an equal part in that equation, that’s called martyrdom, and martyrdom has a way of going down a dark road to a desperate loss of our own individual identities. When we define ourselves only as somebody’s wife/daughter/mother/sister, etc. we find ourselves empty when we ask ourselves, “Yes, but who are you?”
How to heal this? It’s the same as being able to heal anything. It starts with self-awareness. It starts with asking hard questions and being able to feel the uncomfortable feelings that often come with the true answers. It’s being able to define for yourself what your roles mean in your life, and what you are willing to do in these roles, even if others don’t agree with your choices. It’s creating boundaries. It’s defining “self-care”, and what that means for you. It’s developing self-worth that isn’t reliant on other people’s judgments and values, but those of your own. It isn’t easy. Healing is never an easy process, but to live the fullness of life and our own individual purpose, healing is crucial.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:
1446. What have you done that is out of character for you?
Love today’s topic! As the eldest daughter myself, I relate to the syndrome. I am far more attentive to my parents than my younger sister. My mother, who has always been equitable in her attention to her children, has recently observed that my sister never initiates contact – she’ll talk for hours if my mom calls her, but she never calls my mom. She also lives near my parents, while I’m 1-1/2 hours away, yet I see them far more than she does. As I understand it, that is typical of eldest daughters. I do feel some obligation to keep tabs on my folks since they are now in their 80s, but I actually ENJOY spending time with them, and I consider my mother to be my best friend, so it’s definitely not a burden.
What I do find very interesting is that all of the somewhat negative descriptors of the eldest daughter syndrome applied to me with my ex-husband’s family! In his family, the birth order was two boys and then a girl, so when I married into the family, I became the eldest daughter by default. I fulfilled every facet of that role, caretaking every member of that extended family. It was grueling, and over the course of three decades, I absolutely lost sight of who I was because I was too busy taking care of everyone else.
At some point, a couple of the family members began resenting me for “taking over,” and I caught some flak for being too controlling. When I’d finally had enough, I resigned the role and left my marriage. And then they were angry about being abandoned! LOL It was a losing proposition from every angle. It was, however, a valuable learning experience, so the time investment wasn’t a total loss.
Thanks for bringing that article to our attention!
It’s crazy when a name is put to a phenomenon such as “eldest daughter syndrome”, how quickly you see how many examples are in your own life and the lives’ of others. I think that the saddest part of it all is that these cycles continue in families because “exhausted/resentful” matriarchs are ready to pass the torch to the next generation without ever questioning whether this pain is something that should continue into perpetuity.
No one is ever going to tell you to do less. You must stand up for yourself, no matter what the cost. I’m happy that you found an advocate for yourself, Kelly – that advocate being YOU. <3
Kelly,
I absolutely had to comment on this one. I think it’s a girl thing. I have two brothers, one 4 years older than me and one 2 years younger than me. We all live in Florida. When my dad passed away August 2022, ALL of the responsibly of my mom fell on me. Setting her up in a condo, near me…then moving her to assisted living, doctors appointments, paying all her bills, financial planning, including clearing out her home in Pittsburgh. And dealing with her dementia!!! It has been a ton of responsibility! And in the early days, and weeks, when I would get upset about the responsibility falling on me, my mom would say, ‘ this is what daughters do’. Nothing infuriates me more than that saying…that expectation…that assumption!
No one could have prepared me for this. I love my brothers, but my life has not been my own since my dad passed away. I love my mom and we have always gotten along well with each other, however, I have now become my mother’s EVERYTHING! I can no longer hold a conversation with her…I am her memory.
This is NOT what daughters do….some families share in the responsibility. Unfortunately for me, this is not the case. I want peace in the family, so I decided not to argue with my brothers. I also understand that sometimes people cannot handle this type of thing.
So, it is a girl thing. And this girl has had her share!
Well, thanks for letting me vent…maybe it was TMI, but it is the truth!
*one positive thing I would like to add, your daughter will hold a special place with her brothers, always & forever…I know I do, even though this is a bad situation…I know my brothers love me & appreciate what I’ve been doing for my mom.
Ugh, Joan, unfortunately this is a story that I have witnessed in so many different women’s lives. At least you are taking agency by saying that you are choosing “peace” for yourself by handling things this way. I am sorry you are going through it. Hugs!!
Hi Joan,
This is the CA Kelly responding to your comments. Welcome to the club, my friend! I’ve been through your situation twice with my in-laws. The first time, I chose to be the caregiver, the second time, it was thrust upon me. I still find it shocking that there are 4 children in my ex-husband’s family, and ALL of them opted out of the caregiving duties for their parents. It was a very fractured family, to say the least.
Allow me to give you the credit you deserve for the effort you are making. I know how difficult it is, and your love for your mom is not enough to carry you through this time. If your siblings aren’t participating physically, then they need to be throwing lots of cash in your direction. They need to be paying for everything your mom’s savings can’t afford. They need to be paying for your gas and for your yoga sessions (or whatever you do to relieve stress.) It’s literally the least they can do.
And please, PLEASE, make sure that you are doing something for yourself every day. It doesn’t have to be costly or take a lot of time – just do something to remind yourself that you still have a life apart from your mom’s needs. I didn’t do that, and I ended up in the hospital. Don’t allow that to happen to you.
If you ever need a willing ear to listen, feel free to drop me an email: kelkreates@gmail.com Wishing you all the best during this difficult time!
Thank you!
Fortunately, my dad & mom lived a frugal life and saved money. Thank God! I do take a weekly pay for my “work”, as a financial planner recommended. However, there are times I think it’s too much $ and then times I think it is not near enough. I conclude, it balances out…
Dementia is a cruel punishment. I am honest about my experiences and my feelings. I am fortunate that I have met some amazing people through a brain enhancement class that I took my mom to, 3 days a week for over a year. I have found that people who are care-givers, especially to people with dementia are extremely supportive. When sharing my experiences, I have been plagued by SO many people who often try to tell me what I ‘should’ have said, or ‘should’ have done when being with my mom, so much so that I have been become very guarded as to who I even share stories with. It frustrates me and infuriates me when trying to share a story with someone, only to be told that I should have handled the situation differently…really? I challenge anyone to give it a try. No one does.
I sincerely appreciate your offer to give me your email address. I may take you up on that. Sounds like you’ve been through the trenches, not only once, but twice. That is very admirable.
Thank you again, for reading my message and responding so kindly. I am glad that I went back to reread Kelly’s post and found your reply to message. Much appreciated.