I listened to an interesting podcast the other day when a counselor was saying that people often come to her with concerns and anxieties about their milestone birthdays. Her clients often seem to feel really upset if they think that a milestone birthday is nearing, and they haven’t completed the proverbial, rigid checklist of things that they feel they should have accomplished by such-and-such milestone. Her clients often seem to feel anxious about fitting it all in, into a neat little package with a pretty bow. The counselor said that she reminds her clients that these are silly, undue pressures which we put on ourselves with arbitrary/one-size-fits all dates and goal posts. While it is good to have goals, it is also good to be flexible about our goals, and to allow for our own individuality, and for unforeseen detours. Also, she said that if you have a milestone birthday coming up, say in the next three years, remind yourself about just how much life happens in a small span of three years. You have a lot of time in between milestone birthdays to live and to experience life. If you feel like your life isn’t going anywhere, and you are stuck, start at March of 2020 when the pandemic shutdown happened and think of all of what has happened in your own life from that moment, until now. Write down all of the happenings, the new relationships that came along, the job situations, events celebrated and experienced with loved ones, the day trips and the vacations, the ups and the downs, the changes in the structure of your daily life, etc. – all of that happened in only about three and a half years. And remember, not one of us could have planned for a pandemic to happen exactly when and how it did, and nor for the ramifications of that pandemic. Even with all of the slowdowns and haltings that this pandemic created, look at all of the life that you have lived in just three years! In between milestone birthdays is a period of ten years. A lot of life is packed in-between milestone birthdays. In short, the counselor was saying that it is best to view our milestone birthdays as just passing mile markers along the way (mile markers we were lucky to arrive to, still alive and vital and raring to go). And when we feel we aren’t accomplishing everything that we wanted to accomplish by a certain time period, it is helpful to look back and to remind ourselves about just how much we have accomplished and handled and experienced in a relatively short amount of time. When we do this, we can look forward into our futures knowing that this multitude of life’s happenings will continue on and on and on, until it is time for our ending day. While our time on earth is limited and we will probably not get to everything that we’d like to experience, what truly counts is the daily journey. Isn’t it better to be relaxed, and to be hopeful, and to be faithful, and to enjoy the ride as we move on down the roads of our own individual journeys, enjoying the travel, and the people, and the scenery along the way, instead of spending our time worrying and hand wringing about what life will look like at milepost 40, 50, 60, 70 or 80?? As Maya Angelou said, “Life is pure adventure.” And adventures are set in their own time and in their own ways, with lots of surprises and unexpected curveballs. The Cambridge dictionary defines adventure in this way: “an unusual, exciting, and possibly dangerous activity, trip, or experience, or the excitement produced by such activities.” I didn’t see anything in there about specific activities and timelines and accomplishments, did you?
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Hi Kel!
I’ve been quiet for a couple of weeks – you probably thought that I’d deserted you! But no, I just haven’t had anything to add to the conversation. Today, however, is another story!
Today’s topic, about expectations, hits home for me. A friend told me a couple of weeks ago that my behavior has changed – that I have not been as carefree recently as I have been during the past year, and that I seem irritated a lot of the time. “Like before you ended your marriage.” Oof! That stung.
What hits close to my heart is that I had an expectation for myself that by the end of 2023, I would have achieved a significant milestone in my writing career – the proverbial “break” we all dream about. But, it hasn’t yet come to pass. True, there’s still a month and a half of this year left, and it could happen, so I’ve not completely given up. But I’m a Capricorn, darn it, so I can’t help but look at the practical aspects of the situation, which means that I need to be prepared to miss the target.
I have put in the work, I have sowed the seeds, and I’ve been waiting for opportunities to sprout. Some things are underway but are progressing slowly. Other projects that I thought were going to be huge have simply fizzled. I tell myself, and I truly believe, that they died in order to make room for something better. I guess the bottom line is that I’m feeling impatient. I want it now!
But what is it that I want? Honestly, I don’t really know. Perhaps that’s why “it” hasn’t arrived! The projects I work on are so diverse – maybe I need to pick a lane and stay in it? But I love the challenge of doing different types of writing, and I’d hate to give that up. Or maybe I simply need to let go of the expectations I’ve put on myself and allow the situation to unfold naturally. When I step back and look at it, I realize I’ve placed a lot of pressure on myself to meet an arbitrary and artificial deadline. What difference does it make if my break happens now or three months from now? Why does it matter what calendar page I’m on when it happens? Aside from being able to boast that I “met the deadline”, thus propping up my ego, there’s really nothing significant about the deadline I’ve set.
Hmm. I think I’ve just worked through the underlying issue that’s been bothering me for months! I didn’t expect it to be this easy. Thank you, Therapist Kelly, for allowing me a forum to solve my self-inflicted problems!
Hi Kelly! Big virtual hug! It is so good to hear from you, although I have no expectations of any of my readers. I understand that there is a time and a place for everything and there is only so much time in the day. If my blog no longer resonates, than our time together is shared, and it was a positive experience for both of us while it lasted. I am so grateful for people who come and go to the blog, but as I want for all of my relationships to be in life, I want my relationship with my readers to be an authentic relationship, in which both parties choose to want to experience a connection. That being sincerely stated, I am so grateful to hear from you and to get your reflections is always such a helpful, thoughtful experience.
I know for a fact that you are an excellent writer and that you are completely dedicated to the process. I believe in you, Kelly and I also believe that so many people quit right before “the clouds evaporate and the shore is seen to only be a couple of miles away.” I do like the idea of loosening up your grip on expectations. Further, please remember that most of us writers aren’t in it for “the money and the glory.” Most of us write because it is practically a compulsion. Most of us spend a great deal of our time writing because there are few other things in life that we like to do better than writing. Maybe keep your focus more on the joy of the process of your talent so that it might become one of those things that you are so immersed in that you lose sense of anything else and then something happens that all of the sudden jolts you into the eye-opening reality that you have landed where you always wanted to be. (To be fair, I am a Sag. We are known to be a little less practical and a little bit more optimistic than you high charging Caps 😉 ) Love you, Kel. The best is yet to come!
Great post!
Thank you, Joan. 🙂