I have a couple of friends who are in the beginning stages of getting divorced. It’s a situation fraught with emotion, and unfortunately, I have proven myself not to be the best support system in this situation. I just always manage to express the wrong words, it seems (my foot-in-mouth game is in full force these days). Last night, my guys were all at a football game, so I decided to watch a couple of podcasts with an interesting character named James Sexton, who is a divorce lawyer in New York City and has been one for over 20 years, in order to better understand the situation my friends are dealing with in their break-ups. James Sexton has handled many high profile/high net worth divorces and he has written a couple of books, the latest called: How to Stay in Love: A Divorce Lawyer’s Guide to Staying Together. I should mention that James Sexton, himself, is divorced.
James Sexton doesn’t necessarily believe in the institution of marriage, although he claims that he still gets as weepy-eyed and romantic as anyone, at a beautiful wedding. (He claims he always watches the groom, because he loves to see that fullest expression of excitement, and hopefulness and love, in a man’s eyes.) In his experience as a divorce lawyer, Sexton claims that only about 25 percent of people are happily married. Over half of all marriages end in divorce (although people remain bright-eyed and hopeful, as 80 percent of divorced people marry again within 5 years), and he believes that about another 25 percent stay unhappily married because of religion, or for financial reasons, or “for the kids”. James Sexton says it all starts when people first get married. He claims people don’t know what they want out of marriage and when they do figure out what they want, they don’t know how to clearly and effectively communicate what they want to their spouse. James Sexton claims that if all marriages had prenuptial agreements (which he emphatically emphasizes to get) it would force people to confront those issues, and to learn how to communicate better about the “tough stuff”, right out of the box.
What breaks up marriages according to Sexton? He claims that marriages break apart very slowly, until it is “all at once.” While it appears that a marriage ends because a big calamity of cheating or financial blow-ups, the truth is, according to Sexton, that these things are generally the grand finale of a slow meltdown. “It’s dumb little things, man,” he said to one interviewer. He talks about one client first noticing that her marriage was breaking up when her husband no longer purchased her favorite granola, like he always had done. James Sexton says that the little, every day kindnesses (and sometimes even sacrifices) that we do for each other, is what makes our spouse feel so loved and appreciated and special. And he questions, why is this so hard for us to do? Why are we stingy with the actions and the compliments and the cheerleading for the one person who has given us the most to us in our lives, that being the pledge to share their entire lifetime with us? (James Sexton reminds people that all marriages end – either in death or in divorce.) He claims that the happiest marriages almost always seem to be the marriages that have a “us against the big, bad, scary world/life problems” mentality. Sexton says that the happiest marriages are those in which each partner is, by far, the other’s biggest fan and supporter.
I’ve been married for almost 29 years. I am still completely in love with my husband and I believe that he feels the same way about me (he always makes me feel loved and supported and cherished). It’s not always been a cakewalk. We have gone through major moves, job loss, financial disasters, dealing with supporting a child through the ups and downs of epilepsy, a miscarriage, dysfunctional relationships in our extended families, etc. We also have shared four beautiful children, amazing trips and adventures, financial booms, lived in beautiful places and have together loved countless pets, etc. We have shared an interesting, full life experience with each other so far. I feel blessed by my marriage more than anything in my life, but I also get grumpy and resentful and hurt. My husband does, too. In the end, though, I do believe that we both have always made “Team Us” our biggest priority.
The other day, I got a wake-up call from one of my best friends from college. On that day, I realized that she was even a better friend than I ever knew before. We had lunch and during that lunch, I was complaining to her about a trip that my husband wants to take this spring, to a place that I really don’t care to visit. A place that has deeply intrigued him for over a decade, scares me and really doesn’t interest me at all. I have told my husband to go with someone else, but he really wants to share this adventure with me. I have reluctantly agreed, but I have also managed to make him feel guilty and less excited by exuding my obvious blase, disinterested, “I’m doing you a big favor” attitude. After lunch, my friend called me, as we were both driving back to our own homes. She said that she still wanted to talk to me and that’s when she told me her truth: “You have always been an adventurer and a lot of tourists travel to this place every year. If you need to complain or gripe about it, call me, but support him. We’ve always talked about how lucky we feel in our marriages. I think that you should be more supportive of him. You won’t regret it.”
And she was so right! And in that moment, I felt incredibly grateful for my marriage, and also for this particular, insightful friendship all at once. (that kind of burst of gratefulness will bring you to tears – it feels so good) What did I do then? I burst out of the car when I got home and I told my husband how grateful I was for all his support in everything that I have ever wanted throughout the years (including having three dogs when he would have been happy with one, is just one example) and I also confessed what my friend had said to me, and that I realized that she was so right. I said from that moment forward, I have decided to be more open-minded and supportive and interested about the trip. And then my husband smiled and he said that she was always his favorite out of my friends. (ha!)
There is obviously no one magic formula for a happy marriage. James Sexton makes a point that in any other scenarios, almost none of us would enter into a situation with such hopeless odds stacked against us. Still, we do. Our need for love and connection and hope is strong and wired hard, into our DNA. I highly recommend checking out James Sexton on some of his YouTube video interviews. He is insightful, candid, and a great communicator.
“We’ve been indoctrinated to believe that it’s immoral to try to change someone else. We’ve been told that love, real love, is about accepting your partner “for who they are.” But we’re constantly changing our romantic partners merely by our presence in their day-to-day lives. They react to us. We react to them. That’s kind of the point. We influence each other’s behavior and, ideally, help each other, together, be the best version of ourselves.” – James Sexton
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Hi Kelly,
Fantastic post! I think I needed your friend with me this past weekend. My husband was in a paddleboard race, but I wanted to do my morning walking routine…so, I’m ashamed to say, I didn’t go to support him. I supported him all the way while he was home. Just not when it probably would have counted more. Oh boy. (When you know better you do better.)
Thank you for the reminder. (Tell your friend, thank you, too.)
Whoa – you know I’m all over this topic!
I’ve just passed the two year mark of leaving my marriage. Altogether, dating and marriage, we were together for 38 years. That’s a long time by anyone’s measure.
I wholeheartedly agree with Mr. Sexton’s assessment that it’s a long, slow slide into dissolution. And it IS the dumb little things that create the disharmony. When I finally made my exit, there was no huge blowout or scandal that provoked me. It was the on-going instances of disrespect, being ignored, being gaslighted, being vilified for “taking charge” when he deliberately put me in that position so he didn’t have to take responsibility; I’d just finally had enough.
Through therapy (and maturity) I continued to grow and change as a person, while my husband stagnated. I realized that emotionally, he was stuck at about age 16, and he was not willing to do the work of becoming an actual adult. Add his alcoholism on top of that, and it’s a recipe for disaster. It took me a long time to realize that he had put me in the role of “mother” and then resented me for treating him like a child. But in truth, that’s where he was comfortable because he wasn’t willing to grow up. When I demanded that he do that, all hell broke loose.
I disagree with Mr. Sexton’s assertion that a pre-nup would resolve those situations before they occur – unless both parties are true adults, and capable of discussing the realities of their situation. In my case, it wouldn’t have made a difference, because my ex lived in a parallel world, and his reality was not what most people would consider to be valid. Aside from that, we were so young when we married that our net worth made a pre-nup ridiculously unnecessary, and neither of us had a big enough vision for the future that we felt we needed to guard our assets!
I’ve always been a very practical person, and I’ve been (mostly) willing to confront the realities of a given situation, regardless of whether it was positive or negative. My ex did not have that capacity, and it’s one of the principal reasons that drove us apart. I was continually bursting his bubble by telling him, “we can’t afford to do that right now” or “you need to spend some time with our child before he gets old enough to not want to hang out with you”. He simply refused to hear me because it didn’t jibe with the world that he wanted to live in.
Perhaps mine was a special case, because there was clearly some form of undiagnosed mental illness at work. I may never know. But I am grateful for the many good times, and even more grateful for the lessons I learned during that relationship. It made me realize that I am competent and resourceful, and that I don’t need anyone’s permission or approval to go after and get what I want. I was weak for a while when our relationship was off balance, but now I am steady and strong, and I no longer doubt myself or my decisions. It was kind of a tough road getting to that place, but I’m damn glad to be here now.
I’m in awe of how far you have come in these last couple of years, Kelly!! And the best is yet to come!
We all need our little blind spots to we wiped from time to time, by the friends who know us best and have our greatest interests at heart, right?? 🙂
You are so sweet. Thank you for the compliment.
And you are so right. We need people around us who are willing to tell the truth, as unpleasant or heartbreaking as it may be. If we’re being honest, those people usually hold up a mirror that shows us what we already know but don’t want to face. They are brave, because they risk taking the backlash that we dish out when confronted with our flaws. I’m blessed to have a couple of people who give me gut-checks on the regular, and I treasure their friendship.