Month: June 2023

Not Alone

“Nothing I can say can have any effect, except to say to somebody else, “You’re not alone.” That’s as far as it goes.” – Kurt Vonnegut

I think that a lot of us creators, whether we be writers or painters or actors, poets, photographers, etc., have the secret impossible ambition of trying to help save the world with our art. We believe that if we do it just right, or we say it just right, or we come up with the perfect, exquisite wording, or we take one profound photograph that encapsulates all, it will end up being that ONE thing that helps to bring everyone in the world together, in recognition of our connectedness, and the pure beauty and majesty that is Life.

Maybe that overarching ambition is just ego. Maybe we creators are really just trying to find/save/understand/inspire/purge one person – ourselves. And when our creation does that for ourselves, and it sometimes even does it for a few others, as well, we rejoice. We totally rejoice in relief and confirmation. We feel connected and understood and validated and less alone.

I wish that I had the inclination, and the ability to save lives like firefighters or surgeons do, but I am more of a hindrance in emergencies than a help (plus I have a hair trigger gag reflex). I wish that I had the inclination to start a company that would create hundreds of good jobs to support hundreds of good families, but I don’t do well with structure, and math, and office politics. I wish that I had the inclination to get into politics and really clean up house, while also having the ability to stay personally clean while doing it, but I’m sane enough to not even dare to put my big toe into that arena. I wish that I had the unending patience and purpose of a teacher, but I often get bored and frustrated as easily as a toddler.

And so beyond my ambitious wishes, I write. I do what it inherently seems like I was meant to do. I like to believe that at the very least, as my writing heals me and helps me to make sense of my experiences, it sometimes gives that little spark of familiarity and comfort and recognition that says to someone else, as they let out a big, deep sigh, “Oh, thank you. Wonderful. I am not alone.” As Kurt Vonnegut says, “That’s as far as it goes.”

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Drink the Tea Friday

Welcome to the most fabulous day of the week!! How has summer been treating you? In Florida, summer is our rainy season. Rarely, does it rain all day in Florida, but during the summer it is common for us to get a rain shower here or there, almost every single day of the week. So today, on a day when I keep my thoughts light and easy and breezy, and I offer up one of my favorite things for us all to enjoy (It’s Favorite Things Friday on the blog. Check out previous Friday posts for more favorites.), I decided to tell you about two favorites of mine that kind of go together, and help to keep things cozy, during a little rainy spell.

Herbal Cup Turmeric, Cinnamon, Moringa Tea – I originally bought this tea because I read somewhere that turmeric and cinnamon and moringa are good for you. I forget exactly how any of these ingredients are particularly good for various parts of your body, but that’s okay. This tea is so soothing, and tasty and comforting and it does not have any caffeine. I now only drink this tea for its excellent taste and the soothing aroma. If this tea also has a lot of healthy side effects, that’s just a bonus, in my book.

Devotions by Mary Oliver – This book of poetry is sublime. I don’t have many books of poetry. Poetry is not my “first language” when it comes to literature, but I have read enough of Mary Oliver’s excellent poems to decide that I should finally download one of her books. Mary Oliver’s poetry is mostly about nature and it so accessible and relatable and yet profoundly astute. Her poems are short, simple and yet flowing with emotion and awe. If you want an easy way to fall in love with poetry, this book is for you.

Summary: If you would like to up your mind/spirit quotient on some rainy day in the near future, drink the tea. Read the poems. Feel the peace. Breathe.

Have a great weekend, friends! See you tomorrow!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Stratagem

Do you remember when you were in high school or in college, and you looked around, and you found yourself super stressed by all the people around you who seemed to have their whole lives already mapped out with carefully crafted, detailed precision? Do you remember those times when it felt like everyone around you was walking around with their vital mission plans in their backpacks and they were just chomping at the bits to get to graduation, and to get on with it? And you were thinking to yourself, “Oh my gosh, do I even have a backpack?” Maybe you were one of those people who came out of the womb holding your solid lifetime plan in your hand, but I was not. I was an achiever, yes. I did well in school. When I fell in love with my husband, I knew that I wanted to share my life with him. I knew that I wanted a big family, but all of the rest of it, seemed more like a hazy outline. (and honestly, sometimes it still does) When I was young, I was caught up in “the shoulds” and people pleasing and towing the line and “achieving”. I followed the script.

I bring this up because lately I feel like I am back in that scene with the backpacks, except now it’s all a bunch of middle-aged empty nesters, carrying weathered, higher quality backpacks, and it appears as if they all have been given their next ironclad missions. They can’t get their For Sale signs out fast enough. The moving trucks pull up, right after the graduation parties. And here I am, back to, “Oh my gosh, do I even have a backpack?” I had a text conversation with my sister-in-law the other day that looked something like this (and for context, our youngest child graduated from high school last year, her youngest child graduated last week):

Me (thinking she would need comfort and reassurance): Congratulations!! Don’t worry, empty nest is really nice and simple and peaceful. You do less dishes and less laundry.

SIL: Yay!! We are putting our house up in the spring, moving across the country to our dream town in our favorite state, we’re going to rent first and then we are going to buy. We’ve been dreaming about this very moment for years, and . . . . . . (on and on and on with precision detail and excitement). And then she asked, What are your plans for empty nest?

Me: Well, um, we don’t have our plans quite sewn down just yet. We’re still figuring it out, but we are having fun doing the figuring out part.

SIL: As long as you are having fun, you are doing it right.

My sister-in-law is correct. Having fun with the process is important, but I still feel envious of my fellow empty nesters, purposefully walking around (sometimes running around) with their seemingly long thought-out, highly anticipated master plans. The one thing that I know for sure, during this next stage of my life, is that I won’t be stuck on “the shoulds” nor “the script.” When I reflect back on my life, the decisions that I made when I followed my heart and my intuition, have brought me to my favorite people, and my most memorable places, and my most treasured activities (such as starting this blog). Perhaps, my own master plans are never meant to be in step-by-step form, held in a handy backpack. Perhaps the compass in my heart is really all that I have ever needed, and it will take me everywhere that I need to go. I just need to trust this fact, let go of my comparison anxiety, and let the needle steady and point me in the direction which always seems to lead to my most authentic, deepest self and my most profound experiences, often in the most spontaneous of ways.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Ancestors

It’s a little chaotic here this morning. I haven’t had time to collect my own thoughts, so in lines with my intention of using this blog as a “thought museum”, I will share this thought that struck me as a useful, comforting, unique perspective. This is from The Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday:

“Don’t forget, though, that you come from a long, unbroken line of ancestors who survived unimaginable adversity, difficulty, and struggle. It’s their genes and their blood that run through your body right now. Without them, you wouldn’t be here.”

You’re tough. You’re strong. You’re resilient. You’re resourceful. You’ve got this!!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Tuesday’s Tidbits

+ Today’s beautiful Google Search Doodle is the 2023 winner of the annual Google Doodle contest. When my daughter was younger, she always submitted her artwork to Google every year (and when she didn’t win, our whole family always agreed with her – Google got it terribly wrong 😉 ). This is the wonderful thing about these types of contests. They encourage and they spur on and they award children’s creativity. This year’s prompt was “I’m grateful for . . .” The winner, Rebecca, drew a picture of she and her two sisters, and she said that her Google Doodle represents all of their happiest memories together. What are your happiest memories? What if you drew a depiction (even just a doodle) of your happiest memories? I wonder what that would like . . . . don’t you? Let’s try it.

+ I read that there is a sign at a local nursery that says this: “The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The next best time is now.” What have you been putting off/meaning to get to/regretting not doing? The next best time is now.

+ If you can keep an open mind, and suspend all your own personal spiritual and religious beliefs (or non-beliefs) for just a moment (and if you can’t do that, then just skip this tidbit), I think that you will get a lot out of a series of tweets I recently read, by Valencia (@SayItValencia). I know that I did:

“My love, Your peace doesn’t have to be protected and no one can drain your energy, we’ve been rehearsing those thoughts for too long. Once you find bliss, you understand it’s a gift and perspective that you give to you at every moment. You end up gifting it to others by default. Does it mean you can’t think your energy can be drained? No. The mind is vast, you can perceive anything you want and then experience it. When ready, if you find that thinking your energy can be drained no longer serves, you can let go of that perspective and find infinite bliss. . . . You awaken multiple times, not just once. Every time, you will have a clearer understanding of what is the ego, what are false fears and what you truly are. . . .The ego is the self we go to, every time we forget we’re part of Source. It’s the self we know in the visible realm. It’s the self that makes us believe we are separated from each other. Love that self! Love what you created so far! But don’t make mistake it as all that you are. . . . Spiritually, the ego is no longer an enemy when you realize that it’s the self you created. There’s nothing to dislike about it, it’s a byproduct of being human and your environment. Which means that you can change the ego, ad infinitum. You are the awareness behind the change.For a long time, I’d think the ego as something separated to myself, until it clicked that “No! The ego IS Valencia! It’s the personality I created based on my experiences, it’s when I believe I’m “me” instead of awareness.” I no longer try to fix the ego, there’s nothing to fix. . . .Instead, I stay in awareness, in Spirit’s presence as much as I can. I guide my ego from there. Without harsh judgment on me. Just discernment, love and patience. . . . Seek your intuition, seek your inner-guidance, seek Spirit with all you got. There’s a kingdom pre installed in your mind, find it. It’s underneath all the false thoughts this world taught us. Underneath the conditioning. It’s your job to seek it, everything else follows.. . . .Intuition never wants anything to be difficult for you. It wants to guide you in the best and easiest way possible. It doesn’t test you nor try to teach you anything that way. Why would it, when it knows the way? The ego on the other hand…I said it yesterday, your ego only knows this world and the rules of the visible realm. It has been taught to measure its understanding of things through tests. It can’t help but believe the universe does the same to you. . . . Ego tests intuition all the time! Intuition or Spirit doesn’t need to test anything, it just wants to guide you effortlessly and fulfill its function. Ego stops testing things when it accepts that inner-guidance leads to longevity and peace, and it wants that for itself as well.“

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Monday – Funday

I read an interesting article by Alan Cohen the other day. The article was talking about how there are easier ways to say “no.” The article suggested that instead of mustering up the courage to say “no” to things that we don’t want to do, we often subconsciously self-sabotage ourselves with accidents, or with other undermining behaviors towards our own selves. Sometimes pains and illnesses occur in our bodies, seemingly out of nowhere, that stop us doing from what we don’t want to do.

We don’t need to punish ourselves for our “nos”. There are easier ways to say “no” than hurting ourselves. Where do you need to be an advocate for yourself? Can you find some clues to this question in your body, or in your dreams, or in repeated negative patterns that keep occurring in your life? Be a detective about yourself. You may be surprised with the answers that you may find.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Soul Sunday

Good morning. Yesterday we launched another baby into the big, bad world. Our youngest son moved out of the house, and he starts his first “real” job on Monday, since graduating from college. Our youngest son has epilepsy, and he has experienced a lot of ups and downs throughout his young life, until we figured out a combination of medications that work to keep him seizure free. Readers, please let’s agree to keep all of our beautiful children in our shared nightly good thoughts and prayers. That thought gives me a great deal of comfort. Our children and grandchildren are the future. Sundays are devoted to poetry on the blog. Here is my poem for today:

Moon’s in Sagittarius

Last night was our shared full moon,

my blue-eyed baby with your angel kiss.

It filled the dark skies with thrill for June,

And hopefully many more months of bliss.

You are ready. Launch your arrows into the sky.

I can’t wait to see where they may land.

Don’t be afraid to fail. Just try. Just fly.

And when you feel unsure, know my heart’s in your hand.

You are raised. You are a man. You’re up to the task.

You’ve overcome so much in your young life already.

So, in the light of these triumphs, remember to bask.

Stay focused, stay true, stay strong, and stay steady.

When you look at the night sky and peer at the moon,

Remember that we both gaze at the same one,

Take it day by day, while humming to your own tune,

I love you and I’m proud of you, my dear blue-eyed son.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Paradox

I’ve noticed a strange phenomenon lately when people ask me how I am enjoying my empty nest and I say, “I’m loving it!” Some people almost recoil. I had one woman say, “Well, don’t tell your kids that!” What?! Why?! Would it better for me to plague my kids with unfounded guilt over my own neediness? How can I expect my kids to confidently take up the reins of their own adult lives, if I don’t emulate how it is done?! Wasn’t it my primary job to give my four children the proverbial roots and wings? I have completed the main purpose of my job, as a mother. I know that I will always be a support player in all of their lives, but I have proudly handed them the keys to driving their own lives, into the futures of their own choices. I am excited to witness where their adventures take my darlings, and I am excited to dust off my own neglected keys, and to start driving into this next phase of my life, with a little more focus on myself, and the new destinies of my own choosing, this go around.

My family is a traditional family. Other than me having a few part-time jobs here and there, my husband was/is our family’s primary breadwinner. My main job was to run our household and to be the main caretaker of our three sons and our daughter. Out of the almost 29 years of our marriage, I have had the role of family caretaker for 27 years (the age of my eldest son). It has been quite a lot – a lot of fun, a lot of energy, a lot of money, a lot of adventures, a lot of tears, a lot of food, a lot of decisions, a lot of worry, a lot of excitement, a lot of scheduling. . . . Anyone who has ever been in the swirl of a big family, even for just one meal, thinks to themselves, “Wow, this is a lot.”

And guess what? I loved raising my family a lot. I gave it my everything. My family was always my highest priority, and it always will be that, in my heart. However, I am tired. I am spent. I am ready to keep things simpler, quieter and a little bit more focused on my own interests now. And that doesn’t make me a terrible mother. Nor does it negate all of the wonderfulness I have experienced raising my kids for 27 years. I have an excellent relationship with all four of my adult children. I am thrilled to start getting to know them now, more as interesting contemporaries, on a more level playing field.

When someone retires from a decades long career such as teaching or being a police officer or some business position, everyone is so excited for these people. They get comments like, “You must be so excited! I am so happy for you!” No one assumes that these people who devoted a huge portion of their lives to their vocations are devastated to be retiring, and pining away to still do it. Nor does anyone assume that because the retirees are happily anticipating retirement, that must mean that they detested what they did for a living. So why should it be any different for us parents who decided to make parenting and household management our primary vocation?! I have no regrets about how I chose to spend almost all of my adult life, raising my family. I am proud of the family which I helped to create and to lead and to mold. There is nothing in my life that means more to me. But yes, also, “I am so excited about my retirement!” Yes, I am eager to put more of my primary focus on to “me” now. And yes, it’s also a little disappointing to feel like I have to once again defend my choices as a woman, and as a mother, all of the way into the empty nest, especially when I feel like I am defending myself to other women.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Humm, It’s Friday

Credit: Petite Alma

Happy Friday!! Happy Summer!! Happy Weekend!! On Fridays, I try to keep things on the surface, like a water bug. On Fridays, I just lightly float on the top, and I let the things churning around beneath me, be to themselves. Fridays are for Favorite Things Friday. Today’s favorite is something that I picked up at Costco recently. We hadn’t been to Costco in a while, but this past month, our two youngest kids have been back home, so a Costco trip was in order.

Today’s favorite of mine: Humm Probiotic Kombucha I’ve tried many kombuchas over the years, and usually they are just “too much” – too tart, too acidic, too full of the mother, etc. This kombucha is tasty, and it supposedly has less sugar than most kombuchas do, and yet it does have a nice, light, sweet taste. The flavor available at Costco is Mango Passionfruit. I highly recommend giving this refreshing drink a try. Things that make you go Humm, can be really good things, too!

(And as a bonus: one of my past favorites from a previous Friday – Starbucks Bacon & Gruyère Egg Bites are now available in a box, in the freezer section of Costco, so that you can heat them up, right at home. A Humm Kombucha and a delicious Starbucks Egg Bite made for my yummy breakfast, on this wonderful Friday morning.)

Give yourself today to be like a waterbug. Float on the surface and ride the waves. See you tomorrow!!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Your Majesty

I am in more of a questioning, watching, introspective state of mind today. I not in a “spit it all out” state – those times in which I can’t type fast enough, those words that want to escape from me. Therefore, for today, I will share someone else’s words.

I recently read something interesting from the author Donna Henes. She claims that women don’t jump from the Maiden to the Mother, and then immediately on to the Crone (the traditional Triple Goddess paradigm). Henes says that with the long lives we are living these days, we have a crucial stage in between Mother and Crone called the “Queen stage” This is how Donna Henes describes us Queens:

“The Queen is firm in the Defense of Her time, Her space, Her boundaries, Her priorities, Her preferences, Her ethics, Her needs, Her desires, Her safety and Her sense of well-being. She acts not from the feeble uncertainty of a victim, but from the steady and stable center of Her acceptance and ownership of Her own thoughts and feelings, beliefs and actions. She is sure of Her Self. The Queen allows Herself to feel worthy, entitled, and esteemed based on the success of Her own efforts, accomplishments and growth. Her Intention is to learn and master all of the ways that She can feed, feel, help, heal, hear, change, mend, befriend, embrace, and love Her Self. She takes care of Herself on every level. And She vehemently defends Her right to do so.”

Have a great day, Your Majesties! In fact have a fabulous month of June, and let’s just go all in and make it an incredible summer! Let’s make it a decree.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.