Mature People

My “bounceback game” is decidedly lacking. We got back from our overseas trip last week, and I am still crawling around with perpetual mind fog. So yesterday, when I reached my 3 p.m., “I’m all out of steam, is it almost bedtime?” moment that has perpetuated since we have returned, I discovered the Holderness Family videos, and I rested on the couch, and I binged on them.

The Holderness Family is an adorable family who live in Raleigh, NC and they make hilarious parody videos. They also invented a best-selling family game, and they have even written a book on fighting fairly in marriage. Did I mention that the Holdernesses also won The Amazing Race (and were the oldest couple to ever do so)? The family is incredible, but they are lovable, authentic, and too goofy to hate on, despite their many talents, beauty and gifts.

One serious thing that struck me while binging on “the whole of the Holdernesses’ conglomerate” yesterday, was the major theme of their podcast (oh yeah, they also have a popular podcast . . . sigh). The major theme which the Holderness Family apparently often repeats on their podcast is “Mature people ask for what they want.” The Holdernesses admit that this is often hard for anyone to do because we fear rejection, being judged or appearing selfish. So I guess, that the addition of this statement could be, “Mature people can deal with rejection, feeling judged, or appearing selfish. Mature people aren’t quick to personalize other people’s reactions. Mature people realize that everyone has needs, including themselves.”

It is amazing to me to witness (and also personally experience from time to time, myself) just how many people in the world have a hard time asking for what they want, and yet, seethe in resentment for not getting what they want. I have just recently experienced grown adults, already retired from major successful careers, ask for what they want in the most mysterious, and indirect ways. They use other people as shields. “So-and-so was wondering if you had a chance to look at the contract? I told them that you were probably busy . . . .”

I was a marketing major in college. I’ve held a few sales jobs throughout my lifetime. I think that sales jobs should be required for everyone and anyone to experience for at least a few months (also required: being a food server – you will never, ever tip badly if you have ever served tables, even just once in your lifetime). To hold a sales job and to be successful at it, (and remember, everything that you are looking at right now in your space that you are sitting in, was sold to someone, first as an idea, and finally to you, as a product that you eventually acquired) requires a huge level of stamina, grit, and not personalizing massive amounts of rejection. Selling also requires you to get really good at asking for what you want, and believing that you deserve what you want. As a successful salesperson, your entire sustenance and well-being relies on this skill of asking for what you want with enthusiasm and confidence, and being able to let rejection roll off of your back.

Today, try out using the Holdernesses’ mantra: “Mature people ask for what they want.”

Start small if you are too nervous. “Please unload the dishwasher.” “Please pick up the dry-cleaning.” “Please allow me some space when I first get home” . . . . .

Then, when you receive what you want, or you at least you get a clear understanding of why you won’t be getting what you want (and 99.9 percent of the time these reasons of not getting what you want are not about you, but more so, about what is going on with the other party), you will be filled with gratitude. Then, just say, “thank you”. “Thank you” to the party who fulfilled your request, or at least gave you an honest explanation of why they aren’t capable to fulfill your request at this time, and “thank you” to yourself for being brave and stepping up for yourself and for your own needs, in the most mature way possible.

“Mature people ask for what they want.”

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.