Yesterday afternoon I did something for myself that I have been pondering doing for a long, long time. But it always got put on the back burner. Part of it was probably fear (why rock the boat?), and part of it was prudent ideas about money (Putting four kids through college is the priority.) But since I told myself that I was going to start out my PART III empty nest stage of my life “in fine feather” this seemed like a wise and bold choice to show myself that I mean business.
So yesterday, I got Lasik surgery, and today this computer screen looks clearer than it has looked in quite some time. Without glasses or contact lenses, I am looking out my window and I can make out the edges of tree leaves from across the lake. I started wearing eye glasses when I was in the third grade, and for vanity’ sake, I quickly moved on to contact lenses. I don’t think that some of my friends even realized that I wore contact lenses until I carelessly scratched my cornea with old, outdated travel-sized contact lens solution, and I ended up in the ER during a girls’ trip in Nashville. (And let me say that cornea scratches are far more painful than Lasik surgery even comes close to being. When I scratched my cornea, I was sure that I was going blind, or if the pain continued, I was considering possibly blinding myself.)
Anyway, today I am celebrating the gift of sight, and I am also celebrating doing something meaningful and maybe even slightly extravagant for myself. After years of taking my body for granted, I am showing it that I am grateful to it – for its health and its vitality and for the ability to birth and to keep up with four children for decades. Today I am celebrating what my senses bring to my life’s experience. Today I am celebrating the sensuality of life in all of its crisp, crystal clearness.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Kidding, not kidding. Does this really exist? Happy Friday!! Happy Favorite Things Friday! On Fridays, I stick to the frivolous stuff in life. The more that I study philosophy, the more that I realize the gist and the meaning of it all: Stay in every precious fleeting moment and just enjoy it, dammit. How better to go about that task than playing around with the stuff of life? On Fridays on the blog, I talk about one of the things, the websites, the songs, the arts, the crafts, the products, the movies, the books etc. which have made my life more interesting and fun. Please see previous Friday posts for more favorites and please add your favorites to my Comments section.
Today’s favorite is pretty practical. I’m in that stage in January while I am still having fun organizing and cleaning stuff out. (I’m expecting this mojo of mine to fizzle soon, so I am capitalizing on the moment.) Confession, for most of my adult life I have had a plastic grocery bag storage problem. (And let me say right here, that I use recycled bags whenever I can, but we have three big dogs. Those teeny, tiny rolls of plastic bags which are impossible to open, and are equally impossibly small, just don’t cut it for our large dogs’ “leave behinds” on our walks. Only plastic grocery bags do the job properly.) Anyway, I have always devoted one or two cabinets in our kitchen or laundry room to the overflowing cloud of plastic garbage bags that pops out and threatens to drown and suffocate the entire household every so often. What a ridiculous waste of space! I found this contraption on Amazon that seems to hold a million plastic bags in a small tube which can be hung in our garage. The bags are removed from the bottom, much like you remove a Clorox wipe from it’s container. I just freed up a whole giant shelf in our laundry room! Voila!! Look up “TOGETRUE Plastic BagHolder, Mesh Grocery Bag Holder Hanging Storage Bag Dispenser” on Amazon or other retail sites.
And bonus favorite for today: Earlier this month I wrote a blog admitting to my addiction to pens. Luckily another reader came forth with her pen addiction and we had a bonding moment. I mentioned finding Japanese Kokeshi doll pens in a cute Japanese shopping area in New Jersey, that are not only adorable but are absolutely perfect for writing. (their fine tips and their black ink is divine!) It turns out that these perfect pens are available on Amazon to purchase. (What isn’t? I know.) Search up Japanese doll pens, and you will see that there are a plethora of choices.
Enjoy your weekend, friends!!! See you tomorrow.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
I was reminded of Maya Angelou’s great wisdom the other day, “When people showyou who they are, believe them.” We sometimes think that these wisdoms only apply to our intimate relationships – romantic, familial, friendships, or our working relationships, but they also have to do with whom you hire to do things for you.
My husband is the executor of his mother’s will, and he called a few different recommended estate attorneys to get a feel for what was required for the process in her state. He felt good about the conversation which he had with the one attorney, and he decided to proceed with utilizing this attorney’s services. But soon after, the attorney and his associates started dropping the ball. Phone calls and email messages were not being answered in a timely manner. An appointment was missed. Despite a late evening phone call full of (probably legitimate) excuses, my husband decided that this was not a business relationship that he felt good about. The attorney showed my husband that he was “stretched too thin”, and my husband believed him.
I told my husband that he was fortunate that the lawyer showed him “who he was” this early on. This happened to us previously with a rental manager who was to be in charge of our home in North Carolina when we first moved to Florida. When the rental manager disappeared for a 5-day birthday party without any warning (the man was in his fifties), we knew that it was time to cut bait and we again, thanked the Universe for the favor of quickly showing us that this was someone who we could not rely on.
Neither of these men are “bad” people and perhaps more laid back people than my husband and I, would work well with these gentlemen. I don’t know. The bottom line is that when you immediately face the reality of a situation, and you face the reality of your own needs and boundaries in situations, you save yourself and others a lot of trouble and heartache by facing, and then living in your truth. Trust your gut, even when it is telling you something that you don’t want to hear, or to know. Be thankful when someone shows you their red flags early on. Forewarned is forearmed. When people show you who they are, believe them.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Things which I’ve been pondering in this new year:
+ Usually the traits that you can’t stand in someone or something have an equally visceral reaction in the opposite way. For instance, Trip, our Boykin spaniel, is the brattiest, most entitled, most demanding and full-of-himself dog we have ever shared our lives with, and yet it is those very same traits of his personality that make me smile and laugh out loud every single day. The way that Trip demands to have the most comfortable seat on the couch, all splayed out, without a hint of modesty, and how, during our walks, his nosy little self gets up on his hind legs in order to look through the fence of the neighbor’s yard, with the hopes of instigating their pit bull, makes me annoyed, and yet also vicariously overjoyed at his audacity, all at the same time. I imagine that this can be the same for the people whom we love, and even when we consider our own selves. The next time that you find yourself being angry at someone you love, or beating yourself up for your own “worst” traits, see if you can twist it around to something that you also, in equal measure love and admire. Stubbornness can also be stick-to-it-iveness. Messiness can also be laid back and creative. Righteousness can also be bravery. Talkativeness can be good entertainment. You get the picture . . .
+ I have been reading a lot about how little changes are what really adds up to the big changes. Rarely do the big sweeping changes stick. (Already, in mid January, my husband mentioned that the gym is no longer overly crowded in the mornings.) I, myself, have been able to do better with my own health choices, when I make one little change, versus a drastic, all-encompassing change. For instance, for most of my twenties and thirties, I drank at least 4-5 Diet Cokes a day. One day, I decided that for my health, I would quit drinking Diet Cokes. (I didn’t say to myself, I am going to do a complete overhaul to my diet. I just decided to quit drinking Diet Cokes.) I haven’t drank Diet Coke in probably about ten years now. Small changes are easier to focus on and are more doable, than complete overhauls. So now, I am meditating on small changes that I can make in various areas of my life, that will give me that wonderful sense of accomplishment that feels so good. Can I add an extra mile to my walk? Can I go to bed a half hour earlier every night? Can I clean out a drawer a day?
+ Recently I wrote about fixing small aggravations in my life and being amazed by the difference this makes in my mental health. For instance, I finally figured out how to turn off our home phone ringers, and it’s been beautifully quiet and peaceful in the house. Yesterday, as I stared at the fingerprint filled, and dog nose smudged sliding glass windows which we have all over the back of our house, I sighed. I had no desire to clean them, because it is either a long, laborious process involving a pail and a squeegee, or a tedious, and pointlessly frustrating process involving at least a whole roll of paper towels. So honestly, I usually just let the sliders be (while still remaining aggravated and embarrassed), until the glass is almost opaque. However yesterday, I took a page out of my husband’s playbook, who has learned how to fix a lot things around the house from various YouTube instructors. I looked up clever ways to clean sliding glass windows. And I found a DREAM solution. Essentially, you attach a 100 percent cotton towel on to your Swiffer, spray your windows with a foamy window cleaner and you can get both sides of the doors done in about a minute. You even can reach the top corners that somehow even manage to get dirty – how this happens, I do not know.
Readers, please share any small changes that you have made that have ended up making a huge difference in your own lives. I would love to hear your tips!
The younger generations often say, “Go touch grass,” to their friends whom they perceive are spending too much time online, and not experiencing their time in “the real world”. “Touch Grass” means come back to reality, come back to what’s real, get down to earth, breathe in some fresh air, and don’t get too caught up in the incitements of the ever-changing moment.
I like it. “Touch grass.” Simple. Meaningful. Useful. Easy. I, myself, often go outside into my own yard, in my bare feet, and I literally touch grass frequently. Pachamama. Doing this gets you in touch with the present moment and with the connection which we have to all living things. (I realize that at this time of year, it is easier to do this where I live in Florida, than in other places which may be covered in snow. In those cases, “Dig for some grass and then touch it (quickly) and then go back inside.”
Yesterday, my husband had the day off from work, and so we took a long walk with our three dogs, but that wasn’t enough. It was a beautiful, sunny, cool, crisp day, so after the walk, we took off on our bikes, and we rode around for a two hour jaunt out in our neighborhood, around a local park, and we explored various bike trails along the way. When I found my mind veering to past experiences, or to future planning, while we were riding, I brought myself back to the present moment by repeating to myself the statement, “Touch grass.” Simple. Meaningful. Useful. Easy. Touch grass. Touch grass. Touch grass.
Touch grass.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
The older I get, the more I hear the mantra “Keep moving” from people who are older than me. I think that this is probably excellent advice to heed.
Yesterday, Dr. Nicole Lapera tweeted this, “Not everyone is seeking to grow or change. Adjust accordingly.” A person agreed and responded, “Don’t project your desire to grow on to others.”
We often talk about projecting our own negative qualities on to others. “He’s so angry. She’s so negative.” When we are feeling judgmental about others, we are often told to seek out the very attribute that we are judging about others, in ourselves. (When you point a finger, three fingers point back at you.) This new take on projecting what seems like a positive quality, i.e. “your desire to grow”, made me pause.
When we do something for ourselves, for our physical/mental/spiritual health and it feels amazing and makes a huge difference in our own lives, it is natural for us to want to shout it from the hills. We suddenly see how pervasive ‘that thing’ that we have changed in ourselves, is also in our loved ones, in our acquaintances and in our society, and we want to “heal” everyone. We want everyone to experience the relief and the awakening that we are feeling. And then we feel a little shocked when we are met with disinterest, or resistance, or even anger and backlash.
I guess that this all comes down to that nasty “unsolicited advice” lesson. And if, in this instance, we look at the three fingers pointing back at us, what questions could we ask of ourselves? “Do I need validation for my new way of looking at/doing things in my life? Am I afraid of losing people/places/things that aren’t able to change along with me? Do I have control issues? Do I have a savior complex?”
It’s such a hard thing for us humans to go it alone. We are social creatures. It is difficult for us to grasp that our only project in our lives, is our own life. The only person whom we can change, make happy, and journey with, from start to finish, is ourselves. And that in itself, is A LOT. We don’t need to take on more. Any one life to steer, is enough to handle in any one lifetime. Yes, it hurts to see people whom we love struggle with things that we see could easily be fixed and healed. But other people’s lessons and journeys are not ours to fix and to heal. The best healing and fixing we can do for anyone else is to love them, know that they are being held by forces greater than us, and trust that they are on the right journey meant for them. And then we healthfully steer ourselves back into our own lanes, and we continue to keep moving on our own journey, humming a little tune to the beat of our own precious heart.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Good morning. Sundays are devoted to poetry on the blog. Poetry is creative wordplay. Poetry is a way to try to explain the unexplainable with words, without limiting whatever it is, with words. In that sense, poetry is a paradox. Use a little bit of today to write a poem. Have a poetry workshop moment. It will be an excellent use of your time, I promise. Below is a poem I really like, written by Gregory Orr and also a poem I really like, written by me.
Yours
It’s taken me a lifetime to dust you off,
And to bring you home, and to nurture you,
And share in your joy at all of many of life’s little delights.
It’s taken me a lifetime to give you the acceptance,
And understanding, and compassion and care,
You’ve craved, and yearned for, and fully deserved.
Beating steadily, strongly, solidly forward into time,
This is one of the Christmas presents one of my sons got for me. They are called “complimentary pens.” I adore them. First of all, I must confess that I’m a pen hoarder/hound. I have hundreds of pens. My husband is concerned that I may be addicted to pens. And the crazy thing is, I feel sick if I lose even one of my pens. For instance, I lent one of my pens to a woman at a workshop late last year and I didn’t have the guts to ask for it back. I mean it’s only a pen after all, right? It was a nice pen, though, and it came from a neat boutique hotel that my husband and I stayed in when we went to the Florida Panhandle. But I didn’t ask for it back, because it was a complimentary pen from the hotel. And also, a pen is a nice, inexpensive thing to share with people. And compliments are also thoughtful things to share. The truth is, I wish I had given a compliment to this woman, instead of my pen. I lamented about this little saga to my daughter over the holidays, and my ever unflappable, practical daughter said, “Mom, why don’t you just carry some pens in your purse that you don’t mind giving away?”
I might buy some more sets of these complimentary pens and they can be my giveaways when someone needs a pen. Then, I will be giving away not only a nice pen, but also a lovely compliment.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
I’ve come to the realization that I’ve accelerated to the age when about once a week, our society is losing someone who was a big part of the popular culture when I was coming up in this world. I can’t imagine what it’s like when you accelerate to the age when you start frequently losing the loved ones you’ve actually come up with. It must be breathtakingly difficult.
I’m sorry. I know that the previous statement does not fit in with the blog’s devil-may-care Friday aesthetic. On Fridays, here at the blog, we focus on the frivolous. Fridays are for favorites and I list a favorite thing, song, book, website, product, etc. and I hope that you will add your favorites to my Comments. Please check out previous Friday posts for more favorites. (Most of them are STILL my favorites, even years later)
Today’s favorite is from a local seller, Cassie, who is just a wonderful person. She is so passionate about her creations, and her store. Cassie has many neat things that she sells and her homemade aromatherapy sprays are amazing, but I am going to focus on one little cheapie item that has been a hit with me, and my daughter, and her friends. It is such an inexpensive pick-me-up, and yet it makes me smile every single time I look at it. The link below shows you what I’m talking about. It is a delicate, happy, little mushroom night light that changes colors as you watch it. For only $6, it gives you a lot of little bangs and pangs of happiness for your bucks. Peruse Cassie’s store for other good stuff, but make sure that you put at least one of these night lights into your cart. You won’t regret your mushie.
Have a wonderful weekend, friends!! Hello and welcome and thank you to all of the new subscribers who have come on board lately! What you get in your email is just my first draft and I guarantee that it will have at least one typo, until my editor (aka, my gardener, my lover, my pool boy, my best friend, my patron, my partner in crime, my husband) gets his gorgeous, green, detail oriented eyes on the post. So, if typos annoy you (they annoy me, even though I make them every single day), please just keep coming to the website. And please say hello and tell me what’s on your mind in the Comments. I know that you guys are out there. I see the numbers. Don’t be shy!
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
” . . . serenity and stability are results of your choices and judgment, not your environment. If you seek to avoid all disruptions to tranquility – other people, external events, stress – you will never be successful. Your problems will follow you wherever you run and hide. But if you seek to avoid the harmful and disruptive judgments that cause those problems, then you will be stable and steady wherever you happen to be.” – (idea attributed to the philosopher Epictetus, from the book, The Daily Stoic)
The dictionary defines a stoic as this: “a person who can endure pain or hardship without showing their feelings or complaining.” Pictures of the StarTrek character Spock pop up when you look up the word “stoic.”
No one would ever accuse me of being a stoic. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. That’s what attracted me to learn more about the philosophy of stoicism. Opposites attract.
The Daily Stoic is a book of 366 short daily meditations that so far seems to me, to be repeating and ingraining the idea of “the circle of control”. See below (credit: Clair Newton):
We’ve all seen the circle of control. I’ve shared it before on the blog. Basically the circle of control shows that only what is in the center of the circle, is what you have full control over in this present moment. In the blue ring, you may have some influence, but you do have full control and in the outside circle, you have virtually almost no control, even though these things are a part of your everyday life. A true stoic stays in the center of the circle of control, and accepts all that is outside of the center, unemotionally and detachedly.
I’m early into my studies of stoicism, but what I am learning so far, is that stoics aren’t necessarily emotionless, it’s just that their tranquility does not depend on what is happening outside of them. They make it a habit to be tranquil, for tranquility’s sake, and they find this inner peacefulness through a daily focus on a “code of honor” (credit Donald J. Robertson):
The Stoic Virtues and Code of Honor
Love the truth and seek wisdom.
Act with justice, fairness, and kindness toward others.
Master your fears and be courageous.
Master your desires and live with self-discipline.
Interestingly, while I have a hard time relating to Spock, Andy Dufresne from the classic film, The Shawshank Redemption is also listed as a stoic. Even though Andy was wrongfully charged for murder and sentenced to a lifetime of prison, he heroically makes the most of his situation and in the end of the film, we witness his redemption. Andy wasn’t emotionless, but Andy didn’t let his emotions rule him. The level of emotional self-control which he had, meant that others couldn’t take him down, by using the weapon of his own emotions against him.
As a writer and a creative, I’m in love with emotion. I’m in love with passion and heart and energetic, emotional movement of the inner soul. However, I am learning that stoicism may be confused with the idea of lack of emotion, where instead, stoicism is the harnessing of emotion to make it work for you. Stoicism understands emotion, and therefore keeps it in its rightful perspective. The three most celebrated founders of Stoicism are Marcus Aurelius, Epictetus, and Seneca. Here are some thoughts attributed to these philosophers:
Marcus Aurelius:
“The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts.”
“Don’t go on discussing what a good person should be. Just be one.”
Epictetus:
“Any person capable of angering you becomes your master; he can anger you only when you permit yourself to be disturbed by him.”
“He who laughs at himself never runs out of things to laugh at.”
Seneca:
“We suffer more often in imagination than in reality.”
“It’s not because things are difficult that we dare not venture. It’s because we dare not venture that they are difficult.”
Are you finding that you may be more stoic than you ever imagined yourself to be? I am, too.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
