The older I get, the more I hear the mantra “Keep moving” from people who are older than me. I think that this is probably excellent advice to heed.
Yesterday, Dr. Nicole Lapera tweeted this, “Not everyone is seeking to grow or change. Adjust accordingly.” A person agreed and responded, “Don’t project your desire to grow on to others.”
We often talk about projecting our own negative qualities on to others. “He’s so angry. She’s so negative.” When we are feeling judgmental about others, we are often told to seek out the very attribute that we are judging about others, in ourselves. (When you point a finger, three fingers point back at you.) This new take on projecting what seems like a positive quality, i.e. “your desire to grow”, made me pause.
When we do something for ourselves, for our physical/mental/spiritual health and it feels amazing and makes a huge difference in our own lives, it is natural for us to want to shout it from the hills. We suddenly see how pervasive ‘that thing’ that we have changed in ourselves, is also in our loved ones, in our acquaintances and in our society, and we want to “heal” everyone. We want everyone to experience the relief and the awakening that we are feeling. And then we feel a little shocked when we are met with disinterest, or resistance, or even anger and backlash.
I guess that this all comes down to that nasty “unsolicited advice” lesson. And if, in this instance, we look at the three fingers pointing back at us, what questions could we ask of ourselves? “Do I need validation for my new way of looking at/doing things in my life? Am I afraid of losing people/places/things that aren’t able to change along with me? Do I have control issues? Do I have a savior complex?”
It’s such a hard thing for us humans to go it alone. We are social creatures. It is difficult for us to grasp that our only project in our lives, is our own life. The only person whom we can change, make happy, and journey with, from start to finish, is ourselves. And that in itself, is A LOT. We don’t need to take on more. Any one life to steer, is enough to handle in any one lifetime. Yes, it hurts to see people whom we love struggle with things that we see could easily be fixed and healed. But other people’s lessons and journeys are not ours to fix and to heal. The best healing and fixing we can do for anyone else is to love them, know that they are being held by forces greater than us, and trust that they are on the right journey meant for them. And then we healthfully steer ourselves back into our own lanes, and we continue to keep moving on our own journey, humming a little tune to the beat of our own precious heart.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
I love this observation: The only person whom we can change, make happy, and journey with, from start to finish, is ourselves.
It is very disappointing to experience positive soul growth and to want that for someone who doesn’t want it for themselves. More than anything else, that was the reason for the dissolution of my marriage. All the bickering and disagreements were just byproducts of the truth that I had moved forward while he chose to remain behind. I tried everything I could think of to inspire him to join me, but that was not his preference, and it caused a lot of ill feelings. As you noted, we each have our own path to walk, and I discovered exactly where my path diverged from his. Now we are each following the path of our choosing, and I know that I’m much more content and happier. I have gratitude for the lessons I learned while we were together, and I’m grateful that I am young enough (even at 58) to follow a new path that brings me joy.
Thank you, Kelly. Just because it is the truth, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt . . . .you are amazing, my friend.