I read something the other day that made me turn red with self-recognition, and I was completely by myself. The article talked about “emotional dumping” and “spreading your fears.” When you just unload on a person without asking for their consent, it can be really upsetting and overwhelming for them. Emotional dumping usually comes out of nowhere, rapidly, full of charge, without much warning and with the underlying expectation that the person being “dumped on” will somehow be able to fix the situation. It’s literally like taking all of the garbage swirling around inside of you, and dumping it on your unsuspecting loved one, out of nowhere.
The difference between emotional dumping and healthy venting is all in how you handle it. Of course, it is good to be able to vent your frustrations with close family and friends, but it should be done with a level of awareness of the state of emotional being that you are in, and also being cognizant if the other party is in a good place/state of mind to be there for you. It requires a level of calm, good communication skills, mutuality, and a respect for boundaries.
This process of distinguishing between the fine line of emotional dumping versus healthy venting is best handled when we take a pause. We notice our highly charged emotional state. We start to self soothe healthfully – breathwork, taking a walk, writing in our journals, asking ourselves, “What story am I telling myself about this situation? Is it possible to look at it in a different way?” Then, if we still feel the need to vent, we can ask a trusted friend or family member, “Are you available to hear my frustration about a situation right now?” If they are able to be there for us at that time, we should state what we are trying to get from our conversation. “Please don’t try to solve this for me. I am just wanting to ‘get it out.’ ” Or if we really are confused and want some input, we should ask specific questions, such as, “Are you seeing anything that I am missing? Are there steps that you think would be helpful for me to take?”
We need to be open and non-defensive about suggestions, if we ask for them. It doesn’t mean that we have to take the advice and run with it, but it does give us perspective and food for thought. We also should be aware of how long we are venting, and if we are beating the same dead horse, again and again. We all know how frustrating it is to be on the end of the “same old/same old” vent session with someone who likes to stay in their victim chair, complaining away, and yet never makes even the tiniest steps to change the situation.
We have to realize that the people whom we tend to use as our emotional dump yards, tend to be the most loyal, best listeners we know. These people are safe, kind and ooze empathy and so they become our go-to dump yards. Are these the types of people who deserve to be dumped on? And aren’t these gems of humanity deserving a little of our undivided attention for a vent session of their own?
On the other side of the coin, if you are a person who tends to be an emotional dump yard for other people, this is your wake-up call to set some boundaries. It’s okay to protect yourself and your emotional well-being. In fact, it’s imperative. You can say, “I’m sorry, but I am not in a good space to hear you right now,” or “I can listen for about ten minutes, but then I have to get going,” or “”I’m not the right person to discuss this problem with, but mentors, therapists, ministers, etc. have been really helpful to me in dealing with situations like this. Try those resources.” Remember, you are not a dump yard. You are a beautiful being with your own issues to deal with, and your worth doesn’t come from “solving” other people’s problems. Everyone’s life is their own responsibility, and we can be mutually good support systems to each other, without being dumpers and dumpees.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Recently I was the recipient of emotional dumps from two separate people. One I signed up for, the other was a complete surprise.
With the known dumper, I took my BF for a week in Palm Springs. She has endured an enormous amount of on-going trauma, and I was truly afraid that she was close to her breaking point. It was an entire week of non-stop venting and questioning and decompressing. She needed to get out of her environment so she could get out of her own head. I rarely refrain from offering advice, but this time I just listened and occasionally played devil’s advocate so she could consider the flip side of whatever situation she was venting about. While the trip didn’t resolve her situation, the space helped her gain clarity about where she stands and how she wants to move forward. I think that she turned a corner on the depression and desperation that she’s been experiencing. I suggested that she continue that work with a therapist, but I’m not holding my breath that she will make that choice.
The surprise dump came from my neighbor’s pet sitter. I got into a conversation with her, and the next thing I knew I was sitting beside her on the couch, holding her hand while she cried and described the state of her marriage. I’d never met this woman before, but she clearly saw a compassionate sister in me! I shared some of my recent experiences with her, and that seemed to give her some strength – she realized that if I could leave a marriage after 3 decades and survive and be happy, there was hope for her as well.
What did I learn from these experiences?
I learned that it is a blessing to others simply to be present with them in their pain. I knew I couldn’t “fix” their problems, and I didn’t even try. I simply listened, offered examples from my own experience where appropriate, and gave them space to come to their own conclusions. Honestly, I didn’t know that I could do that. I’m a fixer. But I was able to just hold space for these women when they needed it. That shows me that I’ve matured and experienced a lot of personal growth. There’s that silver lining after all the hassles I’ve been through!
Kelly, that’s beautiful! And you probably were able to gift them “the holding of space for them” because you weren’t filled with anxiety for how you were going to fix everything for them. Thanking you for sharing these experiences. <3