“For you to understand me, the first thing you should know about me, is that I am not you.” – Mindset For Life, Twitter
This quote is so key. The other day I read something interesting. It said that we all know and understand that we have a tendency to project our own negative qualities on to others, as a way to disown these qualities in ourselves. (That’s where the phrase, “Point one finger at me, and three fingers are pointing back at you” comes from.) When we are feeling particularly critical about something in someone else, there is usually some similar trait in ourselves that we strongly dislike, and we can get that insight about ourselves, if we are humble enough to play detective on our own selves, instead of focusing always on the faults of others. Even more interesting to me was that my reading also said that we also have the tendency to project traits that we do like about ourselves, on to others. We think that parents, or partners, or friends, or teachers, or bosses, should have certain likable, familiar traits, and so we often project these positive traits on to people, whether they actually possess these traits or not. Both projections make us feel safe and in control, but neither are rooted in reality. These projections do not make for authentic, healthy relationships.
The above quote also got me thinking about an interesting conversation that I had with a friend the other day. She works for her church, and she mentioned that her church’s denomination is having a lot of controversy within its membership about certain key issues. She mentioned that she, herself, was struggling with where she stood on some of these issues. We both talked about how difficult it is to get a consensus on anything, in any group. Even in my marriage, my husband and I don’t agree on every single thing. Trying to find just the right place to eat, or where to go on vacation was often tricky among our family of six, until my husband and I finally, out of frustration, used our executive privilege. (Raising four kids got me really familiar with the term, “herding cats.”)
That’s the hard thing about joining various groups, and thus being labelled as a member of that group. Do you honestly believe in every single platform of your own political party, or your own religious affiliation, or your own workplace’s stance on everything?? Are your beliefs so solid that they could never be changed, even as you grow and change, and as the world around you changes?
My weekly horoscope by Holiday Mathis said this: “Your beliefs, which are based on the best information you have in a given moment, will inevitably change as the world does. There’s no shame in this. Values, on the other hand, withstand the tests of time. Love, tenderness, beauty, harmony and teamwork are values represented in your week.”
Beliefs are different than values. With whom, and where, and doing what, do you spend most of your time and your energy and your resources? Whether you like it or not, these people and these things are what you value more than anything else. You may scoff, and say to yourself, “Well, I can’t stand my job, but I have to feed my kids.” That’s fair. You value supporting your family and their well-being. Is that a bad value?? It seems pretty virtuous to me. However, your belief may be, “I have to do this particular job, and I have to work these amount of hours to feed my kids.” Is that the truth? Is this particular vocation the only way to feed your family? Would it be possible to work at a different job, or to work less hours? Beliefs are flexible. They can be changed. Do your beliefs support your values? This is what is most important. Be honest with yourself about your beliefs, and see if they honestly support your highest values. If you value inclusiveness, do your affiliations support this value? If you value family time, do your career and your hobbies support this value? If you value health and fitness, do your habits support this value? Where can you alter your beliefs to better support what you truly value? And remember, this is a private project. Go back to the first quote, I used in today’s post. What I most value in life is probably different than what you most value, and that is okay. That is what gives us such amazing variety and contrast and unique experiences in this life on Earth, which we are living right now. Just make sure that you are living the values and the beliefs that are true to you, so that you don’t cheat yourself, nor cheat the world, of all of the variety and mélange that is deserved to be experienced by all of us, right here and right now!
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Projection is such a dangerous thing. I know that I am guilty of it, and the result of that behavior is rarely positive. It blinds us from the reality of the person we are dealing with, and then we don’t make wise decisions where they are concerned.
I have an issue with my neighbor about how he treats his dog, and I’ve attempted to talk with him about it several times. He can’t deal any type of perceived criticism, so he shuts down the discussion as soon as it begins. From that experience, I’ve begun projecting all kinds of anger, disgust, and frustration on him and I think that I’ve lost sight of who he actually is. I read something the other day that advised that we approach situations like this with a sense of curiosity. Instead of saying, “He’s a selfish guy who treats his dog like it’s an afterthought” (which is what I’ve come to believe) instead we should ask, “Why is he treating the dog that way? What causes him to make those choices?” In this way we open up our minds to explore the situation, instead of making a snap judgment and then forming a narrative around that.
In this case, I’ve come to realize that he approaches dog ownership from a different perspective than I, and that’s okay. I would do things differently than he, but that doesn’t make him wrong. The dog is often in my care, and when it’s at my home I can lavish it with attention (which it loves!) I still think his approach is not optimum for the dog, but I also have to admit that the animal doesn’t seem to be suffering, so that’s just me projecting my beliefs onto the situation. It’s uncomfortable, but that’s the reality. Recognizing the reality has prevented me from going to war with my neighbor over this issue, which, in the long run, is a far better outcome for everyone.
I love this, Kelly! What amazing introspection!