“Perhaps the reason you so desperately want an apology and for this person to acknowledge that they’ve wronged you in some way is because it will be just the thing you need to give them another chance to prove to you that they can be the person you believe them to be.” – The Blunt Reader (Twitter)
When I read this the other day, it socked me in the gut. I wasn’t the only one. Over 36,000 people seem to appreciate what this tweet has to say. It is hard to accept the truth that the people in our lives are often times projections of what we want them to be. What I am to you, is entirely different than what I am to my three sons, and I am an entirely different entity to each of my sons. We always bring a part of ourselves and our own needs to each relationship that we have in our lives. And sometimes we blatantly lie to ourselves, in order for relationships to be what we want them to be, in order for these relationships to fit into the lives we want to believe that we live.
If you are in a detrimental relationship with anyone which you have been lying to yourself about, in order to make your life “look like” exactly what you want it to be, sometimes the hurtful, unacceptable things that people do and say, without true remorse and change, can be the biggest favor that they ever did for you. These actions can jar you into reality, and wake you into acceptance of “what is”. These actions can help open up a space for you to find better people and to experience better situations which leads to living a more authentic, joyful, peaceful and fulfilling life. These painful experiences with people who have harmed you, can help you to learn to love yourself, respect yourself and treat yourself better. These terrible, blatant actions and lack of regret on the part of people who have hurt you, ironically may be the kindest, most honest thing that they ever did for you, in your entire relationship.
In my life’s experience, the people who have done and said the things that have hurt me the most deeply, have never been able to make sincere, honest, heartfelt apologies, nor have they been able to show amends for their actions. And for the longest time, I pined for “the apology.” I pined for the “on their knees, begging for forgiveness.” I pined for their true understanding of my pain, and a demonstration of their deepest regret. It took me a long time to understand that it is usually only the most damaged people in our lives who can do, and who can say the most terrible things to us, in the first place. And it isn’t personal. These people tend to leave wreckage in every relationship that they have in their lives. Hurt people hurt people. These people were never the people who I believed and wanted them to be.
It is painful to work on self-awareness. It is painful to accept that we play a part in allowing people to hurt us, by lying to ourselves about our relationships and our situations. But when we do get real with ourselves, and we take steps to protect and to care for ourselves, ironically, the apologies no longer matter nearly as much. If fact, sometimes we realize we might be better off without the apology and the conflict in our heart that the apology would bring. When we are showing ourselves love and respect and care, we no longer feel such a gaping neediness, trying to get love and kindness and protection from others. We get healthy. We make strong boundaries and we protect these boundaries. We grieve our losses, we hope for the best for everyone involved, and we move on. We only allow healthy people into our inner circle, people who love themselves and love others in healthy, confident ways, without utilizing manipulation, neediness and cruelty. When we come into our own authenticity, the pretend world is no longer something that we need nor want. The pretend world doesn’t interest us, because it is shallow, fake, flimsy and hollow. When we assuredly accept things as they are, not as we want them to be, we allow ourselves to take the first steps to create an enthralling, true life experience that we can thrive and grow in, to become the best true version of our own selves.
“Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.” – Robert Brault
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Self-awareness is great. GETTING TO self-awareness sucks.
I remember the day when I realized that I was acting as a caregiver for my father-in-law not because I am selfless, but because I was seeking the validation that I wasn’t getting from my husband. He rarely validated my worth for all the tasks I performed for our family and household (and for him personally), so in my deep desire to be noticed I became the ultimate caregiver for someone he cared about but didn’t have time to assist. As the convoluted thinking goes, I imagined that if I did him the “favor” of caring for his father it would earn me some brownie points in our marriage. Newsflash: it doesn’t work that way. Despite my efforts, it didn’t really raise my status in his eyes. I was having a conversation about this with a friend who had praised me for being a saint, and I felt guilty because I knew that wasn’t true. Until I spoke the words out loud, I hadn’t realized that I was looking for my husband’s approval and recognition. But once I said it, I instantly felt that truth to my core, and in the same instant I knew that it would never come because he is not capable of giving it. He has never been capable of thinking of others before himself, and that’s part of his alcoholism. He has moments of kindness when he puts others first – he’s not a complete narcissist – but in general he is astoundingly self-centered and not considerate of the needs and feelings of others. I also realized that his behavior wasn’t only directed at ME; he treated everyone else the same way. I just got more of it because I was closest to him.
That was when I began letting go of the relationship. It took several years for me to physically let go and leave, but that realization was the beginning of me seeing the reality of the situation without blinders on. That was also when I understood that I was not okay with being used, with giving and giving and not receiving in equal measure. That I had accepted that imbalance in my life as normal, even though it was grossly out of balance. My self-respect, long dormant, began to blossom, and I started the journey toward healing and wholeness that I didn’t even know I needed to take.
Just so you don’t think it was all bad and painful, many good things came out of that journey. I formed a new relationship with my FIL before he died, one in which I was able to have compassion and caring for a man that I had never gotten along with. I learned to draw boundaries, and I learned that my needs and feelings are valid, and it is healthy to honor them. I learned to trust myself and my intuition; it’s almost never wrong. And I learned to give myself the validation that I was seeking. It’s gratifying to get that from external sources, but it’s no longer NECESSARY. Getting to that place was no fun, but being there is golden!
I am so happy for you, Kelly! You have come so far and you are right – no experience nor relationship is ever in vain. The love and the lessons are what helps us to grow. <3