Two of my daughter’s good friends are involved with a charity tennis event this weekend. My daughter never wanted to be involved with this particular affair. My daughter, not wanting to be involved, had nothing to do with the actual event, or the people, or the cause. My daughter loves to play tennis, loves her friends with all of her heart, and she thinks that the cause is a good one. It’s just that she has been over her skis with so many activities. She just had four, deeply impacted wisdom teeth removed. She has wanted, all along, to use this particular spring break for rest, healing and spontaneity. But, her fear of disappointing her friends was eating at her. My daughter inadvertently lead them on. She kept them wondering. She knew she didn’t want to be involved, but she didn’t have the heart to say it. And in the end, her biggest fears came true, anyway. Her friends were angry and hurt and confused. And so when my daughter was headed to her dear friend’s house yesterday, with a donation to the cause he was playing in the tennis match for, in hand, and with an apology ready to burst from her heart, she said to me, “I messed up. I should have used direct communication.”
And my heart swelled with pride, looking lovingly and understandingly at my daughter who is just a few days from turning eighteen. I said to her something along these lines, “Baby, if you learn the direct communication lesson this young, you will be lightyears ahead of the rest. I wish that I had learned to “use my words, kindly but directly”, starting into my early adult years. It would have saved me, and many others a lot of confusion and heartache. It’s hard to see it, sometimes, because we are so afraid of hurting people’s feelings, but direct communication is the kindest, most honest, purest form of communication that leads to healthy, trusting relationships. Using direct communication makes you a person of integrity.”
When she came home she told me that she told her friend the same thing, “I messed up. I should have used direct communication.” And of course, he forgave her.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.