Honestly, these past few weeks, I have been feeling really good. But one of my good friends from college is having one of those weeks in which everything that could go wrong, is going wrong. It’s at the point where I can tell that she’s almost embarrassed to tell us, her friends, what else has gone wrong, because it’s almost become unbelievable, to have that many things go wrong in a short span of just a few days. I texted her a mantra which I’ve used to get myself through my rough spots, my entire adult life, “Just hang on. One Day at a Time. The clouds always pass.”
As my regular readers know, last fall, I may have experienced the worst time of my life, to date. Our youngest son’s epileptic seizures were not being controlled by medication, and he was having major seizures, at least once a week (after experiencing many seizure free years). Our son had to come home from his university, and stay with us. Ask a 21-year-old man what it feels like to be “babysat” by his parents. Ask a 51-year-old woman what it feels like to fear for her child’s life on a daily basis. Both answers would be nothing short of “pure hell.”
However, as scared as the superstitious part of me is to write this, our clouds have passed on, from that dark period of this past fall. Our son’s new cocktail of medication has kept him seizure free for a couple of months now. He is back at his university. And I am starting to let myself exhale. I am also reflecting on how different I feel right now, in this moment, than how I felt back then. I clearly understand now, that I was pretty depressed last fall. I was just surviving to get to the next day. The contrast in my optimism, my energy levels, and my overall excitement for future goals and plans, from where I was this past fall, is night and day. I have gone through some harrowing, dark periods before in my lifetime, but going through last fall, desperately worrying about the well-being of my baby, was probably the darkest that I have ever felt, in my entire life. At the very least, it is the “freshest” dark period, in my mind’s eye.
Those of you who are suffering from depression, I want you to know that I empathize with you. It is such a draining, harrowing, soul injuring, exhausting, frustrating experience. And honestly, I was never diagnosed or medicated for depression, during this past fall’s upsetting events. So if it gets even darker than how I felt (such as a clinical depression), my heart bleeds for you. Know this: You are strong. You are brave. This is not your fault. You deserve better. Do whatever you need to do, to get help to feel better. And please know that “The clouds always pass”. I’m experiencing the blue skies right now, after the storm of my lifetime has passed. I am not so naïve to believe that I won’t have more storms roll through, but I have proven to myself, once again, that I have the faith and the fortitude to get to the other side of storms. And so do you. Believe it. Hang on. One Day at a Time. The storms always, always pass. They always do. And even through all of the destruction that the storms wreak, they do leave tiny, little unexpected lessons and gifts in their wake. If nothing else, the storms leave you with the gift of the realization that you are stronger than you ever believed yourself to be, and the joy in savoring the feelings of relief, and peace, and even some happiness, as you bask in your blue sky moments, with your face tilted towards the sunshine.
The other day, after signing my divorce papers, I was playing “what if” with myself. What if I’d never married my husband? Where would I be right now? Who would I be right now? Could I have avoided the struggle and the hard-won lessons that I’ve endured? Could I have experienced a little less heartache?
There are no definitive answers to those questions. Chances are good that I could have avoided some specific situations, but because I would still be living, heartache would have made its way into my life in some other form. No better, no worse, just different.
During each period of struggle, I clung desperately to the idea of the silver lining. I knew that there was a lesson for me in every experience even if it was difficult to discern while in the middle of the battle. I rarely asked, “Why me?” because I innately understood that somehow the situation was going to build my character if I allowed it. (Also, because “Why me?” is such a victim stance, implying that I didn’t have the power, knowledge, or the will to change my circumstances, which is something I’ve never believed about myself.) And indeed, when I look back over the span of several decades, I can see how each “disaster” built up my strength, my stamina, my wisdom, my compassion. Everything that’s happened in my life has conspired to make me who I am today, and overall, I’m pretty happy with who I’ve become.
In hindsight, I realize that I needed to go through all those situations in order to bring that experience to my work. As a writer, it helps to have some life experience so you can connect with readers and contribute to their healing. I’ve discovered that’s my purpose, and I couldn’t have gotten to this space without everything that came before.
Would I change some of the events if I could? Probably. But then I wonder again, “What if?” What lessons would I have missed out on if I didn’t experience the heartbreak of a miscarriage, or of nursing a parent through their final hours on this earth? If there had never been financial struggles, how would I have learned to be grateful for what I’d been given, and how would I have built the resolve and the resourcefulness that I mustered to save my home from foreclosure? Would I have come to the realization that our mental and emotional health is just as important as our physical health if I’d not loved people suffering with alcoholism and dementia? Possibly, but the universe would have sent those messages in a different form because my soul is here, at this time, to learn those lessons.
So, I concur with your observation that the clouds always pass. Feelings are transient. They can be overwhelming in the moment, but by tomorrow they will have changed. Sometimes you’ve got to go through a lot of tomorrows to get out from under the negative feelings, but if you stick with it long enough, you’ll be rewarded with sunshine on the other side. I’ve been told that I’m an eternal optimist, and I think that’s pretty accurate. I’m convinced that circumstances always change for the better if we allow it. I’m seeing the evidence of that in my own life right now, and I’m grateful to be here.
That’s beautiful, Kelly. You are so inspirational. I’m an eternal optimist, too. I wouldn’t have it any other way. <3
What a nice thought that the storms of our lives leave us tiny, little gifts in their wake. It’s true. My “phrase” for 2022 is “look for the light.” Those tiny little gifts. Thanks, Kelly. So happy you’re feeling lighter and more positive and that your son is back at school.
Thank you, Gail. 🙂