I’m hesitant to write this because I am fully aware that this will come across as a brag, or at the very least, a “humble brag”. It will make it seem like I need approval and accolades. I don’t. For the most part, I deeply know and I understand my own intrinsic worth (and thus, everyone else’s worth – it’s a package deal). I also recognize that we all volunteer our time and our resources to entities that are important to us, in order to make a difference in this world. Many people volunteer a hell of a lot more of their time, money and energy than I do. I am grateful for all of the generous, kind people who surround me in this world.
Still, I must share what is on my heart. I received a card from my elementary school mentee yesterday and this is what she wrote:
“I want to thank you for being with me this whole time and talking to me when I need someone to talk to. You also listen when I’m talking to you. You make me feel like I am really somebody!!”
I am choked up every time I read it (which has been around 600 times since yesterday). I haven’t always been a great listener. In fact, for most of my life I have been a great interrupter. Being an active listener is something that I have had to make an earnest effort to work on, over the years. I also have a “save the world complex”. Being an avid reader has made me feel like I can find the answers to mine and everyone else’s problems, if you just give me enough time to research it, and then explain it. I love to spout out knowledge and advice. (Ask me how that’s worked out for me. The world is still a little bit of a mess, isn’t it? And frankly, I have probably lost a couple of frustrated friends along the way, due to my overreaching.)
What this note from my dear young friend reminded me about, is that it doesn’t take much to make a difference in someone’s life. What most people want, in order to feel like a “somebody”, is just someone to be there, and to listen to them. My young friend didn’t write about the gifts which I have bought for her, nor about my treating fast food on occasion. My young friend wrote about me holding space for her.
The Inner Practitioner (Twitter) writes about these steps for holding space for someone, in order to give them the most honor and respect, and in order to show them that we value them. When we hold space for someone, we are showing them that we know that they are fully capable of “doing this thing which we call life.” When we hold space for someone, we are sharing our pleasure in being part of their support system. We are happy to witness their life’s experience. (The steps below are in the Inner Practitioner’s own words and quoted):
STEPS FOR HOLDING SPACE
1) Really listen to understand.
2) Feel what they are saying.
3) Don’t take on their energy.
4) You don’t need to solve their problems.
5) You don’t need to agree with them. You don’t need to share your disagreement with them.
6) Let them be themselves without any judgment.
7) No matter how they feel, their feelings are valid. Support their feelings. Let them know that their feelings are valid.
8) If you can, use empathy instead of sympathy. Sympathy means understanding from your own perspective. Empathy means putting yourself in others’ shoes to understand them.
9) Practice makes perfect.
I know that this “holding space” effort, will be a lifelong lesson for me. But I also realize what an important lesson it is. Everyone on this earth deserves to feel like they are “a somebody” because they are somebody. What a privilege and an honor it is, to be able to show someone what an amazing “somebody” they are, just by holding space and listening to them. We are all stitches and blocks and material, in this quilt of life which we all share and create together. We are all a “somebody” that helps to keep the immense quilt of Life all sewn together, and to make it a delightfully beautiful, never-finished, work of art.
First of all, thank you for sharing this letter. It’s not a brag or even a humble brag.
What it might be is a wake up call that today’s youth is feeling as if no one is listening to them and feeling as if they’re not “somebody.” Tragic. I think, historically, kids have never felt as if “anyone” was listening to them. These days, though, with all the social media outlets, it seems as if more kids are being heard and seen. But it’s not generally the average kid who has the social media accounts and all the views/likes/attention. When I was a kid, I remember thinking that if one person was doing something better than me, then EVERYONE must be doing something better. For today’s children, that feeling must be multiplied a thousand-fold. What a lot of stress.
Thank you, Kelly, for stepping up and making a difference.
Wow, Gail. So well said. It’s true. In many ways, social media, has made us lonelier and less secure, at any age.
Kelly,
I just reread this from the other day.
Your sharing of your sweet words from your mentee was just wonderful. I think it shows what one person can do, even though you might not thing it is big thing…it can be a huge thing. I recently had a woman that used to work with/friend give me a book at Christmas time & she wrote an inscription in it, that was quite touching and her words stay with me each day. I did not realize how my actions helped change her. It was an unexpected gift.
I’d like to think that when we receive these little gifts of acknowledgment, they are meant to encourage us and guide us and help us to keep us doing what we’re doing.
Kudos to you, the acorn doesn’t fall far from the tree, ‘women of excellence’. ?
Awwww, thank you, Joan. Takes one to know one! 😉