I read an excellent article by Karen Nimmo, a clinical psychologist, the other day. The article was stating that we make a big (while well-intentioned) mistake by telling our young adult kids that we just want them to be happy and do what they are passionate about. Nimmo says that kids will look around the world and see that very few adults are great examples of that over-simplified formula for life satisfaction. In an already confused and sometimes even panicked state of trying to figure out their next steps into their burgeoning adulthoods, this “just be happy and do your passions” sometimes just adds more anxiety and frustration to their psyches.
I thought to myself, as my empty nest stage is a few short months around the corner, if someone told me to “just be happy and to live my passions” in this new stage of my life, I might want to hit that person. Life isn’t that simple. Sometimes we’re happy. Sometimes we’re not. Sometimes we know our passions and sometimes we don’t. What once made us passionate, can lose its luster, and many times our passions remain elusive.
Nimmo says that a healthier thing to say to our young adult children is this:
“I want you to get to know yourself. To keep it real. To understand that sh*t happens to everyone. And to have skills to deal with it when it does.”
The above statement is a lifelong process, isn’t it? Perhaps that is the biggest adventure and opportunity of each of our lives – the pathway to getting to know our own selves and to have the skills to deal with life’s surprises, and ups and downs, along this pathway.
In support of Nimmo’s statement above that she advises us to tell our kids (and perhaps ourselves at any new stage of our lives), she recommends several reminders and hints that make that goal such a good one:
First, she says, remember that you don’t need “a grand plan.” Very few people have such clarity of purpose at a young age (or at any new stage in life) and Nimmo reminds us that a lot of the fun in life, is not knowing where it’s headed. She says to follow your curiosities. These experiences may lead to your passions, but even if they don’t, they’ll add to your life’s knowledge base and they’ll broaden your perspectives. Nimmo also reminds us that a single decision isn’t going to shape your life. Don’t overthink it. We get something from every path we have taken in our lives. There are lessons gained from every kind of experience we have in life, even the ones which we deem to be negative. Nimmo ends her thoughts with these ideas: Put your whole heart and fully engage with everything that you do. Make sure you have fun along the way, and “keep topping up your tank” with self-care, so that you can do all of the above, with your best and fullest abilities.
It’s not lost on me, that at my stage of life of trying to guide and support my children into the beginning stages of their own adult lives, I am also taking baby steps into a new stage of my own life. Isn’t the Universe brilliant? As we know, we are all the children of the Universe and the lessons of life always apply to every single one of us. As we guide, we are being guided. Maybe this truth about life (Guide and be guided.) is easier to understand, digest, and live, than “Be happy and live your passions.”
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Today’s post resonates with me on so many levels. My son, who is currently isolated with omicron, had a full-blown anxiety attack the other day, and I sat on his doorstep for 2 hours trying to calm him and coax him off the proverbial ledge.
During that time, he shared his thoughts with me like he’s never done before. He is scared to death to search for his passion because he’s afraid he’s going to fail. He wishes that he would have taken my advice to do that a couple of years ago, when my marriage was still intact, and he was living at home rent-free with a parental safety net to fall back on. As he put it, “I didn’t know how good I had it until it was gone.”
In my brain I went, “Ya think?” and felt a moment of smug vindication. Externally I said something like, “Take that knowledge and those feelings and make something good out of them. Try new things. Figure out what your strengths are and find a job that uses those skills. Neither Dad nor I will let you become homeless, so ditch that unreasonable fear and don’t use it as an excuse to play small.”
For the first time, the light bulb went on over his head. He actually understood what I was trying to convey. I don’t know if he’ll act on it, but the important thing is that the seed has been planted. Of course, I also said a lot of other stuff about how he has common sense and he’s resourceful and brilliant at fixing things, because we’ve got to shore up the self-confidence at the same time as we encourage trying something new. He’s only 22; he’s got a lot of time to figure stuff out. It took me hitting mid-life to figure it out. I’m hoping to shorten the cycle for the next generation!
You’re a good mom, Kelly. As we know, just like us, he’s going to be fine. <3
Hi Kelly,
Since my kids were at this stage (and still kind of are), I’ve always thought that we’re doing them a huge disservice by telling them to find and follow their passions. Now they’re looking for the holy grail of jobs/careers, which probably doesn’t exist. What a lot of pressure. Thanks for another great post. Enjoy the rest of your weekend.
Thanks Gail! It really is a lot of pressure and kids these days already seem to have a lot more pressure put on them, than we ever did. My kids left high school with college credits that I never even took in college!