Yesterday I experienced some of the lesser qualities that often come up during the holidays. These annoying little frustrations: cancelled orders, delayed orders, thinly-veiled passive aggressive guilt trips, twinkly lights half on/half off, things breaking out of nowhere when I am in a rush to go, long waits to get chores completed, and an email from the high school principal telling us parents to please not worry about a viral, national social media post, threatening bombs and guns at numerous, anonymous American high schools, across the nation. When these types of happenings occur as a one-off, you usually let them slide off your back as best you can, but in the middle of the holidays, when there is this underlying expectation to be so jolly and merry and bright, this string of annoyances made me start to behave like I belong on The Naughty List, in a big way.
While there are so many things that I love about the holidays, yesterday made me focus on what I like the least about the holidays, and that is the distraction of it all. It’s not like our everyday chores and obligations and routines go away, while we are busily and yet also thoughtfully, trying to do all of “the extras” that come with the show. Sometimes I even feel resentful. I just want my “normal” life back. During the holidays, it’s often easy to become irritable, and then flog yourself for being an irritable brat, during what is supposed to be “the most wonderful time of the year.”
That being said, yesterday I also noticed some of those most special gifts that tend to come around the holidays, the gifts that aren’t wrapped in a bow, and put under the tree. My two youngest children, celebrated being done with their finals, by going to see the Spiderman movie together last night. They both have been Marvel fans since they were little, and they made giddy plans, careful to not watch any spoilers, to go see a movie that they both ended up thinking was one of the best Spiderman movies they had ever seen. When they came home and excitedly regaled my husband and I, with the highlights of the show, my mind kept flashing back to two little children, brother and sister duo, watching Marvel cartoons and playing with action figures for hours. I think, at this moment, I might have started glowing like the Christmas tree.
One of our youngest son’s best friends from high school (and who also attends the same university), picked up our son for some golf yesterday, and he also told our son to keep himself free Monday night, because a few of my son’s buddies are wanting to take him out to a fancy steak house, to belatedly celebrate our son’s 21st birthday. This invitation came on the heels of the news that my son’s fraternity brothers did a fundraiser late this fall, and were proudly able to send a check for over $1000 to the Epilepsy Foundation, in my son’s honor. My son has had to remain home with us, for the majority of this semester, because his epileptic seizures have been uncontrolled, and as always, his wonderful friends have been so supportive and loving and kind. And witnessing all of this, reminded me of just how loving and supportive and kind all of our friends and our family have been to us, during this difficult chapter in my son’s epilepsy experience. And this is when I know that I started glowing, even brighter than our Christmas tree. And I didn’t feel distracted at all, at that moment. At that moment, watching my happy, contented children and reflecting on the love that we have been given from so many people, and the love that we have for so many people, despite my earlier frustrations, in this sometimes crazy, annoying, distracting, frenetic time of the year, all that I felt at that very moment, was peace. All that I felt was love. All that I felt was gratefulness. And these priceless, eternal presents, are the presents that are always here for the taking, when I take the time to notice them, and to soak them in. And that’s when I get that glow, that glow that starts from deep within my heart. I get that glow which you could never buy in a bottle. And I try to hold on to that glow, for as long as I can.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Love that! Made me smile. Keep the glow, Kelly.
Glow up!! 🙂
Now there’s the Kelly I’ve come to know and love! Going back to your essence, digging deep, finding the joy.
I have to admit that I’ve been distracted for the past 2 weeks. My sister broke her ankle in 4 places (she’s in surgery as I type) and I’ve had the honor of traveling to her home and stepping into her shoes for her family and being a helper to her. As you know with your son’s illness, the world continues to turn even though you are in crisis; spouses have to go to work, groceries have to be purchased, dogs have to be walked.
I knew that the holidays were going to be different this year, but I had no idea HOW different! Honestly, I haven’t really felt the holiday spirit. Old traditions seem strange in the midst of a divorce. My son decided to put up the Christmas tree, and I was invited to come over and help decorate. It felt weird and disconnected – all those precious family memories hanging on the tree felt like they were from another lifetime. My extended family had previously decided not to exchange gifts this year, as we are all going on a trip to Costa Rica together in the summer. So there have been very few gifts to purchase and wrap. And now, with my poor invalid sis, we’ll be gathering in her living room for a catered holiday meal for about 3 hours because that’s all the visiting she can handle. It’s just going to be odd.
But it’s all part of the magic of the cosmos. I’ve almost made it through my 9-year of releasing, letting go, endings. I have to let the memories, good and bad, remain in the past and make peace with them. It’s been a rough year, but there is so much to be grateful for. I have come back to myself, regained a piece of what was buried under a mountain of distraction. I am now able to speak my truth, and that has led to an enormous amount of healing. I have cleared away much of the debris, making pathways for new and wonderful people and events to enter.
Today’s post makes me think that you are on a similar path. You recognize that traditions don’t remain static because the people that celebrate them are ever-evolving. If we don’t change we don’t grow. Maybe it’s time for both of us to begin some new traditions. The universe has a sneaky way of providing blessings under the guise of disaster. Keep looking for those blessings.
First of all, Kelly, I am sending prayers for your sister. This is a beautiful post, showing peace and hope and acceptance of life’s inevitable transitions. It is so interesting how so much of the holiday season stays static and traditional, and yet every Christmas is different because of our own growth and changes, and this is also the same for our loved ones. Thank you for your loyal support to me and to my blog, and for your pure authenticity. I don’t worry about either of us, Kelly. <3