Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Sometimes people ask me how I hold it all together. I’ve watched and witnessed other strong mothers, and I’ve often thought the same thing about them. Facts are, sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I fall apart. Sometimes I cry until I think that my eyes will fall out, and sometimes I scream so loud that it hurts my chest. Sometimes I act so crazily sad and angry all at once, that I am a witness of my own craziness, in the bewildered eyes of my own family. And it scares me.
My husband made the dire mistake of saying that I wasn’t being “helpful” in a family conversation which we were having at dinner last night. For a woman, hanging on by a thread, and who has devoted her entire life to her family, that was not good wording to use at that moment (even if it was the truth). After the aftermath of the scourge of my outrage, I am sure that he wished that he could have eaten those words the minute they carelessly fell out of his mouth. Have I mentioned that I am a fire sign (through and through)?
This morning, I read a tweet today by the Wise Connector. He put this out to his followers:
What do you tell yourself when you’re having a bad day? This could be helpful to someone today.
I looked at the hundreds of vast responses. A lot of them answered that they tell themselves that “things could be worse.” Of course, things could be worse. Death is the worst case scenario, and if we are still here to complain about our bad days, than things could be worse. We could be dead. Sometimes I, too, make myself feel better with the “things could be worse” thought, but sometimes that thought just pisses me off. It sets me right off. “Things could be worse” discounts my hurt and my anger and my frustration and my fears. It makes me feel bad for feeling bad.
One person answered the tweet with, “Still I Rise” and I liked that. I envision myself rising mightily from the ashes of my anger and pain. Anger is not necessarily a bad emotion. It has a lot of energy to it. My dogs and I got an extremely brisk walk out of my rage, yesterday evening. It was a “heart healthy” walk. That walk was a good outcome of my anger. Screaming at my family was not a good outcome of my angry feelings. Anger can often be a hard guy to manage.
I vented to some friends last night on our text chat. Only other mothers can truly validate moments like these. My one friend said that she realizes that she is the family’s “tent pole”, always holding everything up, for everyone else. I got the reminders, from my friends, to take care of myself, and to do things for myself. My one friend loves to kayak. My other friend raises beautiful butterflies. The truth is, I like to write. I can’t tell you how cathartic it is for me, to be writing this blog post right now. My cousin read my blog yesterday, and she told me that she couldn’t believe that I could have that kind of clarity while I am hurting like this. I told her that writing is my therapy. Writing is my clarity. Writing is what I do for me. If it resonates with others, then that is a blessing. But writing is what I do for me.
These are the answers to the “bad day” tweet, that resonated the most with me today:
“You’re doing your best. And that is enough. And remember, your ‘best’ will look different every day” – Brianna
“Today I’m not okay, but that’s okay bc I know I’ll be okay.” – Jojo
“If you’re going through hell, keep going” – Winston Churchill
“It’s life, chances are tomorrow will be better. Keep moving forward.” – Linzee In Heels
And this was my all time favorite:
“I want to see what happens if I never give up.” – SweMikeMedia
Good morning, Kelly. I think I would be feeling very fragile in your situation. It’s obvious that writing gives you clarity, which in turn gives you strength. Thank you for sharing your writing with us–which provides strength to me as I learn new ways of seeing the world and navigating it. I’m older than you, but I can still see the world with new eyes. I, too, like that last comment: “I want to see what happens if I never give up.” Sending hugs and hope to you, your son, and your family.
Thank you, Gail. I truly appreciate your support and insights.
I’ve always loved that Churchill quote. The keyword is “through”. If you’re passing through that means you haven’t arrived at your destination, and that leaves space for possibility and hope still ahead of you. And both of those are worth pursuing.
Lean on your support network during this season of challenges. That’s what they are for. Take advantage of the solace they have to offer; you will return it in kind when the need arises. You are not a burden to them. They are willing to help carry your pain.
Thank you, Kelly. I am truly blessed with a wonderful support group. Sometimes you can’t overburden your immediate family, when you are all experiencing pain from the same circumstances.
Kelly,
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I was thinking of the term ‘tent pole’ and thought how fitting that term is to motherhood. The tent pole is sustaining factor, yet so often overlooked, as long as it is doing it’s job, everything is good. It is reminds me how strong a tent pole has to be to hold and support all the weight of the shelter for so many. And we know what happens when the tent pole is removed, it all collapses! Stay strong. You are doing a great job holding up your tent!
Thank you, Joan. I agree. The instant visual I got from her term of “tent pole” was exactly how you stated it. I don’t any woman/mother who couldn’t relate to some degree.