This is a going to be a little more serious than my typical Monday post, but it has been playing around in my head too long, for me to not get it out in writing. That’s how it works with me. My husband and I have been devoted to watching the “Better Call Saul” television series for the last few weeks. It’s excellent. Having been huge fans of “Breaking Bad”, I am not sure why it took us so long to get to the spinoff, “Better Call Saul”, but better late than never.
There is a powerful scene in the show, where one of the characters, Kim Wexler, is having to dig herself out of a hole with her employer – a hole, partially made by her love interest, Jimmy, and his bad judgment. Jimmy is trying to fix what has happened, in order to get back into Kim’s good graces. At the end of this poignant scene, Kim dismisses Jimmy’s shady ‘solution’ to the problem, by using her own reason and common sense and good judgment. With a very determined, and empowered and all-knowing demeanor, she says to Jimmy, “You don’t save me. I save me.”
“I save me.” Friends, this is a good mantra. Keep it in your back pocket. Use it often. Remind yourself how often you have saved yourself from negative experiences such as abusive relationships, toxic work places, financial crises, bad personal habits and addictions, health problems, and even working through, and overcoming grief. Sure, you may have received help from loved ones, and professionals, and your Higher Power, but you accepted that help. (As the proverb goes, “God helps those, who help themselves.”) You faced the problem head on, and realized, and admitted to yourself and to others, that you needed help. You loved yourself. You saved yourself. You loved yourself enough to save yourself. You stepped out of the victim chair and into your personal power. You saved yourself again and again. You showed yourself how worthy you are of love, and kindness, and goodness, and grace. You showed yourself that you could trust yourself. You stopped waiting around for someone, or something else, outside of yourself, to save you. You saved you. It’s the only way.
“I save me.”
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
Yes, ma’am. I saved me.
I am writing this from my new residence, a quaint little guesthouse over the hill from my family home. It is tiny (700 sq ft) but it contains everything I need (and I don’t need nearly as much stuff as I previously believed.) And it has a private backyard that is already set up for a vegetable garden and a fire pit and also has a covered breezeway. I mean really, except for a water view, what more could a person want?
I have only been here since Wednesday, but I am already feeling far more relaxed. Actually, I feel like I’m on vacation, or maybe housesitting. It hasn’t sunk in that this is REAL, this is my life now. I am unpacking, I am decorating, soon I will be writing. I am not picking up after other people, I am not enduring sarcasm, I am not freaking out about money. I am just being. It’s a concept that I have not understood for 20 years.
It was a difficult decision, probably the most difficult decision I will make in my lifetime, but it was the right decision. I decided to save myself. And I hope that my decision gives others the incentive to make that same decision for themselves. It took me a very long time to realize that I had the right to make that choice, and I felt intensely guilty for even having those thoughts. But now that I am on the other side, having followed through with action, I am so grateful that I did. Everyone should have the experience of saving themselves. It need not be as extreme as mine, but choosing to save themselves from a bad habit, end a bad friendship, or move out of a toxic neighborhood would do the trick. I have discovered that while it’s unpleasant in the doing, it’s soul-reviving when it’s done.
You are living proof, Kelly and you will have this experience for the rest of your life, to fall back on and to remind yourself how strong and capable and loving and courageous you are, for yourself (not just for others). Congratulations!! The best is yet to come . . . .
I loved this, Kelly. I’m working on a middle grade book right now where that is one of the themes: you are the hero of your own story. Thank you for a different way of looking at that idea.
I am happy that it resonated with you, Gail. 🙂