Our two male dogs have a love/hate relationship. Similar to my sons, when they were little boys, “rough play” can change on a dime to “fight club”. Years ago, I remember noticing that when my sons were playing flag football in our side yard with their friends, more time was actually spent playing “tackle football” over the interpretation of “the rules”, than any real game time. Still, even after a nasty, loud, teeth gnashing scuffle, our fur boys are always back to being friends in a matter of minutes, much like my sons and their friends were, on the sports fields.
In talking to a dog trainer/animal behaviorist about how to quell this situation with Ralphie and Trip (our male dogs), the trainer stated that with dogs living together it comes down to two things: the energy of the people of the house, and being proactive versus reactive. When the people carry a calm, decisive, in control energy about themselves, the dogs better understand the expectations of their behavior and are more likely to comply. And by noticing one of the dogs giving the other a hard stare and ending it right away, or putting a stop to frenzied play that could soon turn aggressive, this proactive behavior is much more effective, that completely losing it, by trying to stop a dog brawl in action. These two action plans have worked very well, and our household is happier for it, both the human and the canine members.
It struck me that these two rules apply not only to dog training, but to life in, general. The energy which we carry around is sensed by everyone and everything around us. I recently read that you can give yourself more confident energy if you strike the Wonder Woman pose before you do anything hard. I’ve tried it and it works. Confident energy is sensed by everyone and is responded to accordingly. (Either that or people give wide berth these days, to a strange woman in a Wonder Woman stance 😉 ) Being proactive in any situation, saves a lot of energy, resources and heartache, versus constantly putting out fires, by being reactive.
I have a sneaking suspicion that most dog training has very little to do with the dogs, and much more about training humans. The trainers just have to keep us confident by reminding us that these simple life hacks, which work to keep a happy pack at home, can also get us far in any situation in life. The trainers have to call it “dog training” in order to protect our fragile egos. Dogs aren’t “smart” enough to have overblown egos. Of course, the best reminder from my recent call with the trainer was that snacks and positive reinforcements do wonders. On that note, I think that it is time to fix myself a morning snack.
I’ve been putting on a new persona lately, and your post this morning feels very relatable to the experiment I’ve been conducting.
I’ve decided on many levels that I am DONE with the BS excuses that I am continually hearing for people’s bad behavior. So I’ve simply stopped accepting them, and I am holding people accountable for what they commit to. When they don’t live up to their commitments I don’t punish them, but I ask when they will complete the task. For most people this is punishment enough because they have to admit that they didn’t keep their promise and they have to own their actions (or inaction, as the case may be.)
I have to mentally take the Wonder Woman stance before I ask people to be accountable. I’ve always erred on the side of compassion and giving another chance. Sometimes, like 20 more chances. And the people in my life have grown accustomed to knowing that if they don’t keep their word it’s no big deal – “Kelly will let me slide indefinitely. It’s no big deal if I don’t show respect for her or myself by not keeping my commitment.” I, Kelly, have volunteered to be a doormat and put my needs and feelings aside for the comfort of others for far too long.
I’ve recently realized that the cumulative effect of this collective disrespect has had a debilitating effect on me. I’ve come to realize that I can’t count on many of the people I am closest to because I can’t be sure that they will show up when I need them. I always have a Plan B since I’ve allowed them to not hold up their end. In my opinion, that is not the correct way to conduct relationships – always protecting oneself with an alternate plan.
I’ve realized that when I take the Wonder Woman stance in my own defense it makes people uncomfortable. It forces them to own their behavior and look at their personal choices. And they don’t always like what they see.
I was musing about the situation with one of my friends who I consider to be very wise, almost mystic, and she came back with this:
Responsibility – the ability to respond – includes responding with an authentic expression of YOUR needs in a relationship.
That is SO brilliant. And so simple. And the perfect definition of what I’ve been doing in my Wonder Woman stance. I am telling people that my need in our relationship is for them to show up as they’ve promised, and I am relating to them in an authentic way. Perhaps that is too deep for some, and they need the relationship to remain on the surface level. That’s fine; I can do that. I just need to understand that is all they are capable of at this time, and there will be no deeper expectation.
That is not to say that there is no room for grace or compassion within my relationships. Life happens, and we can’t always fulfill our promises. What I’ve decided is to let my people know that I expect them to do their best to keep their word, and I will extend them that same respect. I believe that is both fair and honest, and good for both parties. I will help them put on their own Wonder Woman cape so they can feel the power of their authentic selves. Maybe they will have the courage to extend the power to the other people in their sphere. That would be awesome because then we’d all be operating from a place of authenticity, and no one would have to try to be brave because we’d already be there.
Kelly, I love this! I have found it so helpful. I like the idea of “the mental Wonder Woman stance”. Also, I should have mentioned that the dog trainer emphasized “consistency” which is what you are doing when you let your expectations be known and do not let people continually off the hook! Love it!
Feel free to use this concept for a future post! Use any piece of my response that resonates with you, word for word if you want. If more people were braver, putting on their Wonder Woman capes, I think we’d form stronger relationships, and we’d continually be encouraging one another to move toward our most authentic selves.
Some of my readers who also are my friends, stated how much they appreciated your comment yesterday, Kelly! You are a gem!