There are a couple of young, famous mommy blog writers who recently announced that they are divorcing their husbands, this summer. This has caused an outrage and a disillusionment with some of their many, many followers. One of the bloggers has actually turned her brand into sort of a “here is the secret formula for creating a perfect marriage/perfect kids/perfect life” if you come to this speaking event, or buy this series of podcasts, or if you pay for this expensive marriage retreat, so I can understand the shock and disappointment among her fans.
We all want the secret formula for life, don’t we? We all hold out hopes that if we just stumble on the exact right steps to take, we will be guaranteed happiness and joy and a problem free life, forever and ever. But at our middle-aged time in life, we are humbled. We get it. There are no guarantees. Life has a way of throwing a lot of curve balls our way – many that we didn’t see coming.
For my marriage, I know that we will be soon be embarking on “the empty nest” stage. I see it in the fast nearing horizon. Our fourth and youngest child, our daughter, is a junior in high school. For most of our married life, we have been a traditional sort of family. My husband has always been the main breadwinner, and I did most of the every day child raising. Lately, I’ve been floundering a little bit. I am headed towards early retirement, where my husband is still following his same, steady career path. I notice that I often feel defensive about how I spend my time (which there is now a whole lot more of, with the kids being more self sufficient than ever) and I also feel nervous, not having as clear a purpose that I felt when I was shaping my children’s lives, on an everyday basis. I don’t feel as assured of my direction these days, and sometimes that makes me feel a little insecure and shaky and floundering. But at the same time, it makes me feel excited, too. My husband’s every day life isn’t filled with as many changes as I am going through, so he just gets to experience the bewilderment/aggravation of having a life partner, who is going through a lot of changes (in her daily routines and in her hormones), and all during a worldwide pandemic. It’s not easy. And there are no books or seminars or weekend retreats, that have a perfect formula for navigating this stage in life, either, because the answers to navigating life stages, are different and unique and complicated, for everybody and every couple. We all have different personalities, and circumstances, and values, and mixes of all of it. Not to dash anyone’s hopes, but singular formulas for perfect lives, do not exist for anyone, at any stage of life. Singular, slick, flashy life formulas are often created by great marketers (even if they do start out with pure, well-meaning intentions), for the ultimate destination of a big pile of money.
That being said, I have started to read Phil Donahue’s/Marlo Thomas’ (who, by the way, have been married themselves to each other for about 40 years) latest book, What Makes a Marriage Last. For the book, they have interviewed forty long term, famous couples in order to find out what makes their marriages work. (Some of these couples include Jimmy and Roslynn Carter, James Carville and Mary Matlin, Elton John and David Furnish, LL Cool J and Simone Smith . . . . believe me, you will recognize all of the names) I’ve just started to read the book. I’m in the first third of the book. It’s so charming. It’s a really fun read. This book reminds me of that last part of When Harry Met Sally, when the sweet couples are sitting on the couches, discussing their own love stories, with twinkles in their eyes. I have noticed many common themes among these couples who Marlo and Phil interviewed. There is a lot of obvious compatibility, mutual respect for each other, a shared love for the families and the lives that they have co-created, etc. Sting and Trudie Styler talk about the importance of good communication and “a pretty intense sexual charge” between the two of them.
My husband and I were sitting on the couch last night. He was watching hockey and I was reading the book, sometimes out loud to him. We laughed knowingly, at some of the things which the couples playfully teased each other about. We talked about some of the aspects that have made our own partnership last so long. We couldn’t articulate everything. We can’t really write it out in a simple, easy formulaic style. We had another enjoyable night together, last night. I think Brooke Adams had a really good answer, when talking about what makes her long marriage to Tony Shalhoub work:
“I think the answer to your question is pretty simple,” she said. “We like each other.”