Drive Carefully

We’ve reached another parenting milestone. Our fourth and youngest child passed her driver’s test and is now a licensed driver. That’s the role of the youngest child, isn’t it? She gets to be the grand finale of all of the major milestones of childhood and parenting, in our family. She gets to be the exclamation point to all of the little triumphs along the way. Walking. Talking. Potty Training. First day of Kindergarten. High School Graduation. What a mixed bag of emotions, these grand finales bring to us parents! Relief. Pride. Wonderment. Nostalgia. Melancholy. Delight. Lightness. And some Heaviness. Confusion. Excitement. Mostly Love. Love. Love. Love!

I was the eldest child in my family. I have always been able to empathize with my eldest son about how hard it is to lead the way, and to forge the family path. It’s hard to figure out “cool” without an older sibling to lay down some hints along the way of the rocky path of adolescence. Our “oldest kid” lessons always came the hard way, with our parents, our teachers and our peers. The younger siblings had someone to watch carefully, and then, by careful observation, they got the ability to choose to either emulate our lofty triumphs and/or to avoid our brutal mistakes. We were the family guinea pigs. The younger siblings never had quite the glaring spotlight shown on them, as we eldest kids had on us, a light that was often so bright that it blinded us and made it hard for us to make a move. Interestingly, I think that the younger siblings both resented us oldest kids, and yet also, secretly found great relief, in that hard fact, of little less of a spotlight being shown on to them.

Even though I was the eldest child, I see that it can’t be easy for my daughter to be the youngest child, either. She doesn’t get the novelty of being the first to do almost anything. She gets parents who are little more tired, a little more worn for the wear, a little more jaded, and a little more heavy of heart, and yet a little more possessive, when she passes each of her milestones. Our familial tethers on her, are probably a little harder for her to loosen, than the ones that were connected to her three older brothers. Today, as she takes her first solo drive in the car, the rope of our mother/daughter bond, is getting stretched a little further, once again. And to me, as her loving mother, that feels wonderful and terrible, exhilarating and horrifying, all at the same time. And even though I will do my very best to try to hide my feelings, I know that she will feel them and soak them all in, along with her own mix of pulsating feelings. My daughter, my youngest child, will once again, use all of the strength and determination in her, that she has developed along the way of her childhood path, to be the fabulous, energetic exclamation point to all our family’s adventures in parenting. And I will be in the background, smiling wildly, while quietly, blinking back some tears.