The Circle of Control

A few weeks back, I had a meltdown at dinner, expressing to my family how much I hated this pandemic happening. I was so sad that I was having to make strict rules about friends and outings. I expressed how much I hated the fact that my children wouldn’t be able to share in the fun ceremonies and events and milestones that their senior friends so much deserved, but would be missing out on. I shed tears about all of my daughter’s tennis events, written on the calendar, going by, getting crossed off the calendar, one by one, week after week. It killed me that my middle sons wouldn’t even get to say good-bye to their senior fraternity brothers, before these young men headed out on their own adult, professional lives. I wanted my husband to know how concerned I felt about him having the extra weight on his shoulders, by having to worry not only about our health and supporting our family, but for the ever mounting, stressful business issues happening, day in and day out, due to the coronavirus. I wanted my eldest son to feel the comfort of being with his family, instead of by himself, in his bachelor apartment, not making close physical contact with anybody, for weeks on end. I wanted to stop it all and I wanted to make it all just go away, for my family, for our friends, and quite honestly, for the whole entire world.

“Mom, we get it, the coronavirus is not your fault,” my youngest son said.

That statement stopped me in my tracks. It snapped me to attention. It gave me a lot of relief, and also, quite a bit of introspection. I guess that it made me realize how egocentric I can be, even in my caring for others. It made me realize how my control issues sometimes are disguised as “worry” and “concern.” If my own well-being is only present when the conditions outside of me are exactly what I think that they should be, then I will have to understand that my personal “well-being” will only be a sparse and fleeting feeling for me, for the rest of my life. The reality of what was really going on, during my meltdown at dinner that night, was my needing for everything to be ” just right” for everyone else whom I love and have concern for, in order for me to feel okay and alright with the world. That’s not fair to me, or to anybody else and frankly, it’s simply just not going to happen. Ever. Because when this pandemic passes, other issues will come around. That is the nature of life. Granted, the pandemic is a whammy, but sometimes it takes a big, ol’ slap in the face, to really get some introspection about your own coping skills and your own perceptions and about the overall way that you go about living your life and how you relate to others.

One of my dearest friends often refers to “the circle of control.” Here it is:

The circle of control is a good tool to have in your back pocket. I think that it is a particularly helpful reminder, during especially high stress events, like now. I see a lot of “Petty Bettys” on our Nextdoor neighborhood social app. People are very, very concerned about other people’s actions and the funny thing is, that this concern spans a broad spectrum. People are calling the police about neighbors getting together, and yet the very next post on the app, is about getting a group of neighbors together to persuade our local politicians to open up more stores and beaches and venues, in our area. And both of these social media posts have dozens and dozens of responses full of righteous anger, judgment, and frustration that people aren’t thinking the exact same way about the pandemic and the issues surrounding the pandemic, as they are seeing it.

In my case, when I try to control things outside of me, it is to quell my own fears. If I can keep up my illusion of control, then I feel more secure. If the pandemic is MY fault, then I have the capacity to fix it. Silly me. Like my son said, “We get it. The coronavirus is NOT YOUR FAULT.” The coronavirus is not your fault either, friends. Only focus on what you can control (see the middle bullseye of the circle of control) and let the rest of everything, take care of itself. Feel the deep relief, knowing that only what you can control is your responsibility. Know that the laser-focused-in-on-the-bullseye responsibility for yourself and for your actions, is more than enough, for any one person to handle. And with that deeply resonating knowledge and wisdom about what is really your responsibility and what is really under your control, let out a big, slow, deep, calming, sigh of relief and just go about your day as peacefully as you can.