September 2018 - Page 3 of 3 - Adulting: Second- Half

Self Care

Yet another death of a music star was reported this weekend. Mac Miller, a young, rising star in the world of rap music died of an overdose on Friday. I didn’t know much about Mac Miller until this weekend. My kids liked his music and I found out that he was from my hometown of Pittsburgh. I checked out some of his songs on iTunes and I was surprised by how much I liked them. His rap has a jazzy, improvisational quality. It is not as angry as some of the rap music I have listened to and it seems to have a more reflective quality than most. If you can get past profanity, I highly recommend listening to some of his songs. Mac Miller’s improv podcast on NPR is particularly good.

What affected me most about this tragedy though, was that the world lost another great talent to the jaws of addiction and through its sadness and despair was looking desperately for someone to blame. That target to blame for many was Ariana Grande, his former girlfriend and also a great talent in the music world. She had to shut down all commenting functionality on her social media because of the the vitriol that was being spewed at her during a time when she was grieving the loss of someone she deeply loved and undoubtedly had tried to help rescue from his demons.

I read that more than 2/3 of American families have had to deal with the alcohol and/or drug addiction of someone they love. In 2016, the surgeon general put out a report that 1 in 7 Americans will face substance addiction and only 10 percent of those addicted ever get treated. These are dismal statistics.

Addiction is a nightmare. Watching someone you love in the throws of addiction is a living hell. The level of denial that overtakes an addict is almost impossible to understand. When someone loves an addict, don’t you ever think that they have not tried to help that person. Most people who care about an addict, go through a period of giving up their own sanity trying to bring their loved one back to life and reality. People who love addicts often become addicted to trying to help their addict and this condition is called codependency. When someone is in a state of codependency they lose sight of reality, too. They take the focus completely off of their own lives and put their entire focus on trying to save their addict.

The only person who you have control of in your life, is yourself. Our human nature wants to feel safe and secure and often tries to gain those feelings of false security by trying to control the “outside” – the people and circumstances in our lives. Sometimes we have painful feelings and inner issues to work on ourselves, but that scares us. It is easier sometimes to put all of that focus on “outside” projects than to deal with our own “inside” problems. Ironically, the only concerns that we really can fix and that we do have any control of, are the ones that are our own. People can help us and guide us through our problems, but the hard work is an inside job and it doesn’t begin until we admit that we have the problem in the first place.

I imagine Ariana Grande did everything that she could to try to help her friend and lover, Malcom McCormick. I imagine all of Malcom’s family and friends did everything that they could and some. Money was not an issue. Mac Miller could have afforded to stay in the best rehab centers in the world. The biggest hurdle that any addict has to cross, is admitting to themselves that they need help. The largest hurdle for any addict is to be able to cross over from the stronghold of Denial and reach out for help, fully knowing and understanding that they have lost all control over to the grips of Addiction. This is the hardest part for any addict to do. Many addicts, like Malcom, will lose their lives before completely surrendering to the idea that they have lost all control. They believe fervently that the only thing that is keeping them alive is the very thing that is killing them slowly and methodically on a daily basis. Addiction is treacherous.

Imagine that you are on a burning ship with all of your loved ones. You know that you must jump into the ocean to save your lives. Someone you love with all of your heart is burning on the ship but refuses to get off of it. This person is on fire but insists that they don’t need help. They actually get angry at you for trying to help them. You try to embrace this person, to reason with this person, but the closer you remain to this person, the more you burn in the flames. You finally have to make the heart-wrenching decision to jump off of the ship, praying that your loved one will come to their senses and jump into the pure water with you. You know in your heart that the only life that you can save is your own, as desperate as you are to save theirs, too. That is the terrible choice that Ariana and the people who loved Malcom had to make and they deserve only our deepest sympathies and understanding. No one who has ever loved someone deeply can make that decision lightly. Addiction is devastating for everyone it touches. Everyone.

Ginger Kids

My two eldest sons are redheads or what now seems to be more commonly called “gingers”. My youngest two children are brunettes. I sometimes break them down to the “reds” and the “browns.” When you have a big family, you’re always shortening things, categorizing; it’s just easier that way. My husband and I are both brunettes so we were a little bit surprised, at first when our first little ginger was born.

It turns out that both my husband and I carry the recessive gene for red hair. It’s the only way a “ginger” can occur. Only 2 percent of the world’s population are natural redheads. Unfortunately, there are thoughts that someday, due to the fact that the recessive gene could go extinct, red-headed people will be a thing of the past. How sad that would be! My sons both have brown eyes, but if you are a natural redhead with blue eyes, you have the rarest combination on the face of the earth. How lovely and special!!

I’ve always been attracted to redheaded people since I was a little girl. The fact was so obvious, that when I was a little girl, my mother cut out a magazine article featuring redheaded children and she wrote, “Your future kids . . . ” on top of the article. She was right! I think redheaded people just exude warmth! It’s not just their hair, it’s their whole energy field. They radiate a fiery passion that just glistens out to the ends of their hair reminding us of just how exciting life can be.

I read once that you can’t be anonymous and be a redhead. I believe that. I bet that there are very few redheaded spies. My eldest son won the yearbook senior superlative, “Most Likely To Always Be Remembered.” He’s 6’2″ with a headful of curly red hair and a big, deep, loud laugh. We took our eldest son to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico when he was two and when we were touring the local town, the elderly women would come up to him to touch his hair for luck. He happily obliged. He knows that he is lucky.

When we are young we want to “fit in”, melt in with the crowd. I think redheaded people are blessed in knowing that they just don’t “blend in,” right from the very beginning so they don’t ever get caught up in that nonsense of sameness. Now that I’m 47, I think I feel more internally redheaded in that sense, than I ever have been. I like being an individual. I feel more confident “owning” who I am. Of course, at my age, my real hair color has become a mystery thanks to the marvels of my stylist, but if I ever get bored, red might be the color to try.

Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog

Earlier this week, I had gone to a beautiful nursery by my house. I wanted to find some fall weather plants to replace some of my annuals that have gotten quite straggly. I love nurseries. It’s like walking along in the Secret Garden with so much to discover. The vibrant colors, the lovely fragrances, and the plants that are so symmetrical and perfect, it is hard to believe that they are natural, are just some of the treasures to see and experience in a garden. And of course, there are also the butterflies and the birds and the unusual insects that have smartly decided to call these beautiful sanctuaries their home.

Unfortunately, I made an unplanned kidnapping of one of those critters. I had put the purchased plants on all of the unoccupied seats of my car, drove them home and deposited them near to the spots that I wanted to plant them in. I then went to pick up my daughter from school. She and I were have a lively conversation about the day’s activities, until my daughter started screaming loudly. In that split second, I wondered if she had seen something that I had not seen and I wondered if we were about to be wrecked. She excitedly told me that something slimy had just landed on her feet. She didn’t have to give any more explanation, because a relatively large tree frog started landing just about everywhere in the car, like Spiderman sticking to all surfaces, sideways and upside down. I quickly pulled the car over and eventually and enthusiastically, we were able to guide our new friend out of the car and on to the grass, luckily with no harm caused to any of us.

I felt really sorry for our little buddy frog friend, though. I realized that he had just been cast out of the Garden of Eden. He was definitely not “moving on up” by being deposited in a lackluster clump of grass on the side of the road. What a bummer day for this little guy! Hopefully, using his best natural instincts and inner guidance, he will find his way back to his beautiful, heavenly home. I’m just grateful for another funny story in my life, that has a hopeful ending.

Woop! Woop! Friday!!

RIP – Burt Reynolds Gosh, lately it feels like RIP has become a feature on my blog. I am also getting a realization of my own aging, as my kids were like, “Who’s Burt Reynolds?” I clearly remember the Cosmopolitan spread. Don’t you?

Here’s the Friday funny – “It’s Friday. Time to go make stories for Monday.”

Here’s the Favorites Things Friday part (for those of you new to my blog, this is where I feature my consumer side and recommend my favorite purchases, every Friday. Feel free to check out previous Fridays for recommendations and please feel free to share your own in the Comments section):

Buggins Natural Bug Spray – I love the idea of “all natural” anything, but the old-fashioned, raised on chemicals part of me sometimes is a tad skeptical that “all natural” works just as well. This stuff does work just as well as any chemical bug spray! My husband and I discovered this at an outdoor restaurant that also serves food to dogs. They had bottles of this on the tables. I thought it was a kind, cute touch, but then I fell in love. I would buy Buggins for the smell alone. It smells so good!

Oxo Measuring Glass – I always feel a tad ridiculous offering up any cooking or baking recommendations because it feels like I’m Ronald McDonald telling Julia Child how to prepare her bouillabaisse. That being said, I do make Minute Rice on a frequent basis, and this cup is the best for measuring, because you can’t mess up. Instead of trying to keep your hand steady and bringing the measuring glass to eye level like you’re in Chemistry class, all you have to do is look down on the glass as you’re filling it with water and the measurement is perfect. It is a patented glass. It’s that good, plus it has a good rubber grip handle, so less chance of flour spills that would take hours to clean up. You’re welcome, Rachel Ray! 😉

Lumify Eye Drops – I have one eye that frequently looks like it has been exposed to a toxic blend of smoke, pollen, and cat hair on a regular basis. It’s mostly just the one eye. I must wink a lot. Anyway, I have tried every eye drop on the market and this stuff is the bomb! It is a relatively new product from Bausch + Lomb. They make the promise that it will keep your eyes clear for eight hours and so far, I agree with that statement. I imagine certain people in California and Colorado are going to be stocking up on this product. Just saying.

I saw another Friday quote. It said, “Friday is my second favorite F word. My first is Food, definitely Food.” I agree with that statement. I’m headed to another favorite tonight. Red Lobster’s Endless Shrimp has started. I’m with Bubba on this one! Shrimp tastes great no matter how you prepare it and I’m all in!!!

Have a great weekend! Thanks for reading. Readership goes up every day and I thank you for that. As much as I love writing, it’s nice to know that I’m not just writing to cyber space. 🙂

Cat Woman

A friend of mine sent a screen shot to our group chat yesterday. (okay, I had to pause for a minute when I looked at my opening sentence. That sentence would not have been even understood 10 years ago. It might not have even been understood 5 years ago. Funny, the winds of change.) Anyway, the screen shot showed two beautiful, gray-haired ladies dressed artistically, almost “punk rockerly”. The caption said: “20 Things Women Should Stop Wearing After The Age of 40 . . . .#1-20 The Weight of Other People’s Expectations and Judgments” – Wrong Turn at Albuquerque

I love my friends! The friend who sent the screenshot said that maybe the age should have been changed to “30”. I thought that maybe we could somehow make it so that there wouldn’t even have to be an age listed on that quote. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if our daughters or at least, granddaughters could look at that quote quizzically like it was meaningless and hard to understand? (kind of like how meaningless and hard to understand my first opening sentence would have been to me 10 years ago)

My daughter looks adorable every day for school. She started high school and although they don’t require “uniforms”, there is a “uniform” for the girls who attend her school. Ripped jeans, Vans or Birkenstocks, straightened hair, tops that are not too short to break dress code, but right at that fine line seem to be “the uniform” right now. That is the expectation if you want to be one of the crowd and to avoid being judged.

Recently we were reminiscing about the year that my daughter was a cat for Halloween and she decided that the costume was way too great to be worn just on the one day of Halloween. She wore her ears and her tail for weeks and weeks. She wore that costume to stores, to preschool, and to bed. She wore that costume out. She wore that costume with pride and dignity. Other people’s expectations and judgments weren’t one thought in my 4-year-old daughter’s mind at all. When does that shift occur?

It’s funny, but watching my kids grow up, it sometimes seems like they already had it all absolutely right when they were little and then we adults messed with them. We helped them become uptight little robots conforming to society’s judgments and expectations. They’ll play along with the rules of the game, until they reach our age and then they may get a screenshot that jars their memory that maybe “the rules of the game” are a little ridiculous. And something inside of them that has been sitting dormant since they were innocent little kids in cat costumes at the grocery store, will come roaring out and life will get interesting again. Hopefully that age of awakening will drop from 40 to 30 to not needed, because that future little girl will never have been a prisoner to what other people think.

Horse Pucky

Do you have a few stories that have happened in your life that are so hard to believe that if someone else told you that it happened to them you would say that it was “horse pucky”? I imagine that we all do. Here is one of mine:

Many years ago, I had a little white, soft, fluffy pet chinchilla. She had a pen in a little area off of our garage where she liked to sleep, eat and take her dust baths. One day, as I got my youngest son and his baby sister into the car to take my son to preschool, I noticed that the door to my little chin’s pen was open. We were in a rush so, I decided that I would look for her when I got home from taking my son to school.

I drove the 6.4 miles to my son’s preschool. (I just googled the distance, so I am not exaggerating) I got my son and my daughter who was in her cumbersome baby carrier out of the car and I guided my son into his classroom. Now I am not sure if this was one of the days my son chose to take a “Flat Stanley” approach to the idea of going to school where eventually I would have to drag him into the school, with him refusing to cooperate and remaining “stiff as a board.” It may have been a day that he happily skipped into school; I really don’t remember. But anyway, I got him safely situated into his classroom with his bag and his lunch and then I got my daughter back safely situated into the backseat of the car, all ready for the 6.4 mile drive back home.

A couple miles from our home, I decided to stop at the drive-through window of our bank. As I pulled into the parking lot and waited my turn, I noticed a little white spot that seemed to have leaped out from my wheel well. It was scurrying around the parking lot. It took me a minute, but it soon dawned on me that that little white ball of fur was my pet chinchilla. I ran into the parking lot, and miraculously, as scared as she must have been, she allowed me to pick her up and cuddle her. Now her fur definitely looked more “dalmatian” at that point due to the black grease spots that were now adorning her, but she wasn’t hurt and she lived for many years after that incident.

True story. No horse pucky.

The Bagger

I watched with fascination a news story that came out this weekend about actor Geoffrey Owens (former Cosby Show regular) bagging groceries at a Trader Joe’s grocery store. The fact that this was even a news story was amazing to me. The initial story was thought to provoke shame that a once famous actor would now be in the position to bag groceries. I was happy to see all of the outpouring and support that surrounded this hard working man doing an honest and worthwhile job in his community.

I had a lot of thoughts and reflections about this story. Despite being college educated with a business degree that I earned early and with honors, most of the jobs that I have had outside of my home have been part-time and of the hourly paid variety. When I was in high school and college, I worked in a deli, babysat, was a telemarketer, worked in a department store, worked for a temp agency, worked as a waitress, worked in a wire factory, etc. etc. I had a professional sales job a few years out of college, but when my husband and I started our family and we decided that we wanted a big family, we made the decision that he would be the primary bread winner and I would be the primary home and family manager. For many years, I didn’t take jobs outside of the home, but as the kids got older, more independent and busier, I decided I was a little bored and wanted to explore doing things in my community, but with the emphasis still being that my primary job was to be home for my kids, with the flexibility needed to work hours that still allowed for that focus and freedom. These part-time jobs with a lot of flexibility tended to be hourly paid jobs that weren’t particularly prestigious or career enhancing, but enhanced my life in many other ways that are hard to measure. Sometimes these part-time jobs really did help with the “extras” to help pay for vacations, and extracurricular activities for the kids, but sometimes these jobs may have even hurt us a little in the monetary sense. Sometimes these jobs, which were amazing outlets and experiences for me, knocked us into the next tax bracket and probably dinged our income a little bit.

People work for all sorts of reasons. I had a college professor that would insist to his students that once a certain level of needs are met, people don’t work for money. Being young and inexperienced, we students would scoff at that statement but now I understand how completely true that statement is and how valuable the work experience is to people for so many reasons. Reasons like pride and purpose and vitality and connection and growth are some of what draws people to the jobs that they take and the jobs that they do.

My sons have all had different hourly-wage jobs over the years. My eldest son who is now a tech company professional with a masters degree, often spouts out wisdom he learned from his fellow factory workers at an aerospace parts factory. My middle son worked as a valet all summer and really got an understanding that a Porsche doesn’t always equate to a great tip, and a dented-up beater sometimes does. I’ve always told my children that once you work a job that relies on tips, you’ll never be a lousy tipper the rest of your life.

I read recently that George Clooney gave away a million dollars each to a few of his buddies who provided him support, validation and sometimes a couch to sleep on when he was desperately trying to make it as a struggling actor. As many responders to the Geoffrey Owens story said, most actors are not rich and do have jobs outside of acting to help support themselves. I bet that if we watched the first couple of “break out” movies or TV shows of some of our finest and most famous actors, that is where we would see their best, most raw, amazing work. Perhaps the low paying jobs that they were doing, best exposed them to their own humanity and others’ humanity like no other jobs can do. If you are bagging groceries, you are being exposed to everyone in your community. You are touching the lives of the whole spectrum of the people who make up a town – the young, the old, the rich, the poor, the healthy, the infirm, the white, the black, the Christians, the Muslims, the Jews, the professionals, the first responders, the list goes on and on. Everyone has to eat.

Life has become so tech oriented that we barely have to leave our couches anymore. It’s so easy to sit on the couch and call other people “out of touch” but really, perhaps the most “in touch” people in the world are doing the good work of bagging groceries, or serving coffee, or greeting us as we walk into our big box store. I’m happy that there was a lot of backlash to that story, backlash to the fact that it even was “a story.” That gives me hope that we as humans, haven’t lost sight of what really is important and what is really real in this world.

Real Cowboy

Yesterday my husband, our dogs and I set out on an “adventure day”. We like to hike so we headed out to some of the more rural state parks in our area. The first stop was a bust. Our first hike was more of a “sludge through mud” experience as due to a lot of recent rainstorms, the trail had turned into more of a swamp. Even one of the bridges on the trail was mostly under water. My husband, my collie and I were less than pleased with the start of our adventure. Our Labrador retriever was in doggy heaven. He’d much rather swim a trail than hike it, anyway.

We decided to head to a more inland state park and our GPS took us through some windy, remote dirt roads to get to it. When we hit an unexpected pothole, I started to wonder how many miles we would have to walk through fields for assistance since our phones had limited service. Luckily, our tire survived and we made it to our next destination. This park had the trails that we were dreaming about since starting the adventure. They were secluded and provided natural shade cover. The shade was created by beautiful, old, bowing trees with branches that formed a perfect canopy with their thick foliage, providing just the right amount of protection from the hot sun. As we set out on the first trail, dodging huge spider webs created by spiders as big as my hand, the rumbling of a big summer storm started in the distance. We started walking faster, keeping pace with Ralphie, our retriever, whose nose always keeps him at least 100 steps ahead of everyone else. When it became clear that the storm was a reality that we couldn’t force away with our own sheer will and determination, we reluctantly turned back. Grumpy and salty and cranky, we decided to at least salvage the day, with a stop at one of our favorite taco joints that we discovered on one of our many soccer game day trips over the years. This is a restaurant that we don’t get to frequently due to the distance from our home, but it is one that never disappoints.

Once again the GPS guided us through the road less traveled and as we were driving we passed a man who looked like he was horseback riding. But he wasn’t. He was riding a cow. Now to be sure that we weren’t hallucinating, my husband and I decided to turn around and validate to ourselves that we indeed had seen a real cowboy – a man literally riding a cow. There they were again, contentedly trotting along and when I asked to take a picture, the sweet man and his bovine companion happily obliged.

Sometimes our adventures don’t always turn out the way we plan. We are often prisoners of our own expectations. I find that when I surrender to where the adventure wants to take me, it is usually a far more interesting expedition, than what my limited imagination has already planned and tries fervently to control. If we expect the unexpected, and go with the flow, life is grand!

Very Neighborly

I saw that the Mister Rogers (Fred Rogers) documentary, Won’t You Be My Neighbor? will be available on Redbox on September 4th. I marked it on my calendar. I’m sorry that I missed seeing it at the theaters, but I’m really looking forward to watching it soon. Like most adults my age, I grew up watching Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood on television regularly.

When I was a kid, I saw Mister Rogers as a nice, kind, gentle man. I found his show calming and predictable, in a good way. I had no idea of just how wise a man he was, until I started reading some of his writings. He was a man who was entirely devoted to what he saw as his purpose in life – the caring for and betterment of children.

One of my favorite quotes from Mister Rogers which has oft been repeated, especially during horrific times in history like 9/11, is this, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”

That is excellent advice that we often espouse to our children. I would tell my kids if they ever got lost in a store or at a park, to look for other mommies like me. Ladies helping children, would be the best people to ask for help. We think of this as good advice for children, but in reality, isn’t it good advice for everyone? Look for the helpers.

As adults we sometimes get trapped into believing the “I’ve got this,” mentality. We think we must be stoic, independent and all powerful. We tell our children to “look for the helpers,” but for some reason we think that once we hit the adulthood button, we don’t need any help. Ironically, we think it is important to do good, kind deeds for others in our community, but we ourselves don’t need any help. Extra ironically, it’s typically the people who have been on the receiving end of help that are able to give back and to help others in the best way. These people have empathy to know what it feels like to be helped back on to their own two feet and they want to pass that blessing on.

A few years back a friend of mine was lamenting about feeling like he had lost his idealism. A young woman who had grown up in the same town as he had grown up in had just died in the Middle East. She had been there helping survivors of ISIS torture and she was tragically killed for doing the good. My friend was in awe of her heroism and felt ashamed that he hadn’t done more for society. Now from an outside view, this man is the epitome of “helper.” He is an excellent family man, always doing things with and for his wife and his kids; he was always there for friends and neighbors to listen and then to offer heartfelt, thought-out advice and assistance. He had even “adopted” and helped an elderly couple in his neighborhood as if they were his own parents.

I think sometimes we all get trapped into thinking that we have to do big and dramatic things to make a difference in the world. We live in awe of the Gandhis and Martin Luther Kings and Mother Teresas and Mister Rogers of the world, and we sometimes feel small and worthless in comparison. But what if they are just the Big Examples who our Source has put in place to remind the rest of us to be everyday helpers and yet also to accept help when we need it? What if they are just the Big Reminders to us to be kind and loving in our everyday interactions with each other? While I admire and respect the big gestures and convictions of others, it is the every day people who have shown me the face of God in a very personal way and I am not sure which is more important, but I know all of it is very important.

I’ll end with this quote from Mister Fred Rogers, “The purpose of life is to listen – to yourself, to your neighbor, to your world and to God and, when the time comes, to respond in as helpful a way as you can find . . . from within and without.”

Where Did You Go?

Yesterday I received the final package I’ll ever get from what used to be one of my favorite stationers. They have decided to take their business in a whole other direction and were offering leftover stationery items like memo books and pens and even cute coasters at bargain prices wrapped up in “grab bags.” Ugh! Why??? Why??? I’ve mentioned before that I have eclectic tastes so I find that more often than not my favorite items get discontinued just when I’m at my peak of adoring them.

Lipstick colors, nail polish colors, perfume scents, Starbucks offerings, etc. get thrown out to us like delicious teasers and then just when we’re really hooked, we’re told we have to go search the bargain bin for the remaining lot of what’s left. Thank goodness for ebay and places like Replacements.com (replacement pieces for hard to find, discontinued dinnerware) who have made a business out of people desperate to find crumbs of what is still available of their former favorites. These businesses know that when something is rare and hard to find, you want it even more. We always want what we can’t have. The irony of it all, is that you end up paying five times what you used to pay for the item, now that the company has deemed the product passe and past its prime.

When I get past my hunt frenzy, looking desperately for remnants of former favorites, I started getting a complex. Why do I like things that no one else likes? Why didn’t anyone else think that this cream was God’s answer to skincare? Why didn’t anyone else like this exotic flavor of potato chips? I pride myself for my unique tastes and then I disdain myself at the same time for the same reason.

So, this was just my Saturday morning rant. Thanks for reading and possibly commiserating. Storms made for bad sleep last night. I’ll try to be a little bit more positive tomorrow.