So yesterday I allowed myself a pathetic pity party. I thought it felt good at the time, but it got old fast. I think part of the mopefest was because I’m avoiding the hardest part of the Second Half of my Adulting. For me (and I suspect for a majority of women in my position), this is the trying to figure out the big ol’ What I Want to Do Next.
I recently saw a picture of a rally in which a woman held a poster that read, “Teach our Daughters to be Somebodies, Not Somebody’s”. I don’t think any of us made our minds up from the get go, to lose our “somebody” quality. I take pride in being J’s wife, and my kids’ mom. But over time, those identities did seem to swallow up most of the whole. Those identities did seem to make the first half of my adulting simple. Simple, mind you, not easy. When your family is young, your purpose is very clear. Keep the kids alive, keep them fed, keep them focused. We are a “traditional” family, so my husband is the primary breadwinner and I am the primary “cat herder.” Now as the cats are starting to leave the herd, there are a lot more options for me. This is exciting, but also bewildering.
I was a marketing major in college, a textbook sales person before my kids were born and I had a few part-time jobs over the years that were also mostly sales oriented. So, I suppose a sales job is a possibility. I had a small accessories business on ebay several years back. Perhaps I could start my own business again. My volunteer positions over the years have all centered around my kids’ schools and sports. Maybe I could branch out in the volunteer realm. I honestly feel no strong inclination or passion about any of these ideas just yet.
I’m very envious of people who feel a strong lifelong passion for their occupation and/or their hobbies. I’ve always felt like more of a dabbler. I tend to lose interest quickly. I read recently that to find a passion, you should follow your interests. Learn more about them and see where this leads you. There are so many gurus these days that advise to follow your heart or to follow your bliss. But if you have spent a lot of your life filling your heart with your family and following your family members’ bliss, it’s puzzling at first to find your own pathway back to your own bliss. So, I will take baby steps in getting to know me again. What are my interests? What are my favorite things to do just for me? What books/music/activities/foods really speak to me and how can incorporate these things into my second half?
Just like when my kids were born, I long for a detailed instruction book to guide me on exactly what to do, step by step, with guaranteed results. You’d think by my Second Half, I would have figured out that those instruction manuals really don’t exist, at least not in a traditional sense. I guess that I am going to have to trust that my internal life manager who has gotten me this far, will lead the way, if I just remove the impatience and fear that is clouding the path.