Tag: victimhood

Why Vs. What

Dr. Edith Eger, who is a Holocaust survivor, wrote this the other day on X, “It took me decades to discover that I could come to life with a different question. It’s not, why did I live? The question is, what is mine to do with the life I’ve been given?”

Lately, the world around us seems to be in constant flux and chaos and change. We are doing a lot of questioning, as groups and as individuals, about what we value, about the state of our governing bodies, about what we truly believe in, and about the parts we play in it all. Sometimes all of this discernment gets clouded by our own feelings of guilt for our own unique “gifts and entitlements”: (Examples could be: Why was I born American and not in a third world country? Why am I healthy, and someone who took care of their bodies all of their lives, just died of cancer? Why did I get to keep my job when so many other good people were laid off?) Sometimes this “Why?” line of thought brings us to things that we find “unfair” in our own lives: (Examples could be: Why do I have this heath affliction? Why did my marriage fall apart when I gave it my all? Why did the tornado hit my house? Why did my spouse die young?)

Typically, studying the “whys” doesn’t get us too far. Rarely do we find a satisfactory answer. Still, we all have a human tendency to stay stuck mired in “the why questions” about our lives, and about the people, and about situations in our lives. And thus we tend to get stuck in the feelings of guilt, unworthiness, victimhood and blame. But let’s face it, we don’t even really have a sure, one right answer as to why the world even exists. The answers to the why questions often continue to blow around us, in the wind, remaining uncatchable and unsatisfactory. However, answering the question: “What is mine to do with the life I’ve been given?” is empowering. It is our question to answer in our own unique, unrepeatable way. No one else gets to answer it. Our actions and the way we live our one unique life is the answer to this question. How much of that answer to “What is mine to do with the life I’ve been given?” , should we waste on trying to answer the whys??

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Today’s question will be taken from Dr. Edith Eger:

What is mine to do with the life I’ve been given? (key word: What)

Why Shouldn’t You Love Yourself?

I love the voice of the singer Norah Jones.  I played her Come Away With Me album so much, I fear that I may have turned the rest of my family off to her.  But I think Norah Jones has one of the most gorgeous, soothing, silvery singing voices I have ever heard.  The other day I was listening to her sing the remake of the Hank Williams song, “How Many Times Have You Broken My Heart?”  It is a great remake and an easy song to sing along to, but then I got to thinking about the lyrics.  We are supposed to feel sorry for the singer who has repeatedly been hurt by a straying lover.  And you can’t help but feel sorry for the singer, to a point . . . . . . Then, after a while, if you were a good, true, honest friend to the singer, you would probably have to say, “Stop being a victim.  Stop being complicit in your own pain.  Take back your power.  Love yourself.”

That may sound harsh, but it is true.  When we stay in victim mode, we give away our power.  When we stay with repeatedly abusive people and unchanging abusive situations, we start to fall into the realm of self-abuse.  All abuse is wrong.  Self-abuse is abuse.  Accepting abuse is self-abuse.  Again, all abuse is wrong.

We’ve been conditioned to love others, take care of others and to be “selfless.”  But the truth is, we can’t give our best love to others without truly loving ourselves first.  Hurting people hurt people.

“If the nasty voices in conditioned mind are allowed to be cruel to us, it will follow as the night, the day, that we will be cruel to others.  That’s just the way it is.  We can’t be with anyone else in ways that we are not with ourselves.” – Cheri Huber

I was discussing the above quote with friends and a few of them didn’t agree with it.  They felt that they could be loving and kind to others and still be incredibly harsh to themselves.  And that may be true to a point, but if you are unfailingly loving to yourself wouldn’t it all but guarantee that you would only know love as a way of being?  If your only way of being is the the way of love, then it follows that it wouldn’t be possible to be anything but loving to yourself and to others.  Why should loving yourself not be a part of the equation?

“The most important relationship in life is the one you have with yourself.  And if you have that, any other relationship is a plus and not a must.” – Diane von Furstenberg

If you learn to love yourself the way that you want to be loved, you are fulfilled.  In that sense, when you enter into any relationship you are bringing a fulfilled, whole person into the partnership or friendship or relation.  There is not neediness or expectation, just the joy of shared love, commonalities and experiences.  In healthy relationships you are enhancing each other’s lives, bringing fullness and excitement and mutual interest to each other’s experiences.  But you are not dependent on the other person to create that fullness, excitement, and interest.  You are multiplying it together.

Charlie Chaplin said, “As I began to love myself, I freed myself of anything that is not good for my health- food, people, things, situations and everything that drew me down and away from myself.  At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism.  Today I know it is Love of Oneself.”