“Perhaps the reason you so desperately want an apology and for this person to acknowledge that they’ve wronged you in some way is because it will be just the thing you need to give them another chance to prove to you that they can be the person you believe them to be.” – The Blunt Reader (Twitter)
When I read this the other day, it socked me in the gut. I wasn’t the only one. Over 36,000 people seem to appreciate what this tweet has to say. It is hard to accept the truth that the people in our lives are often times projections of what we want them to be. What I am to you, is entirely different than what I am to my three sons, and I am an entirely different entity to each of my sons. We always bring a part of ourselves and our own needs to each relationship that we have in our lives. And sometimes we blatantly lie to ourselves, in order for relationships to be what we want them to be, in order for these relationships to fit into the lives we want to believe that we live.
If you are in a detrimental relationship with anyone which you have been lying to yourself about, in order to make your life “look like” exactly what you want it to be, sometimes the hurtful, unacceptable things that people do and say, without true remorse and change, can be the biggest favor that they ever did for you. These actions can jar you into reality, and wake you into acceptance of “what is”. These actions can help open up a space for you to find better people and to experience better situations which leads to living a more authentic, joyful, peaceful and fulfilling life. These painful experiences with people who have harmed you, can help you to learn to love yourself, respect yourself and treat yourself better. These terrible, blatant actions and lack of regret on the part of people who have hurt you, ironically may be the kindest, most honest thing that they ever did for you, in your entire relationship.
In my life’s experience, the people who have done and said the things that have hurt me the most deeply, have never been able to make sincere, honest, heartfelt apologies, nor have they been able to show amends for their actions. And for the longest time, I pined for “the apology.” I pined for the “on their knees, begging for forgiveness.” I pined for their true understanding of my pain, and a demonstration of their deepest regret. It took me a long time to understand that it is usually only the most damaged people in our lives who can do, and who can say the most terrible things to us, in the first place. And it isn’t personal. These people tend to leave wreckage in every relationship that they have in their lives. Hurt people hurt people. These people were never the people who I believed and wanted them to be.
It is painful to work on self-awareness. It is painful to accept that we play a part in allowing people to hurt us, by lying to ourselves about our relationships and our situations. But when we do get real with ourselves, and we take steps to protect and to care for ourselves, ironically, the apologies no longer matter nearly as much. If fact, sometimes we realize we might be better off without the apology and the conflict in our heart that the apology would bring. When we are showing ourselves love and respect and care, we no longer feel such a gaping neediness, trying to get love and kindness and protection from others. We get healthy. We make strong boundaries and we protect these boundaries. We grieve our losses, we hope for the best for everyone involved, and we move on. We only allow healthy people into our inner circle, people who love themselves and love others in healthy, confident ways, without utilizing manipulation, neediness and cruelty. When we come into our own authenticity, the pretend world is no longer something that we need nor want. The pretend world doesn’t interest us, because it is shallow, fake, flimsy and hollow. When we assuredly accept things as they are, not as we want them to be, we allow ourselves to take the first steps to create an enthralling, true life experience that we can thrive and grow in, to become the best true version of our own selves.
“Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.” – Robert Brault
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.