I mentioned before that my youngest son is epileptic. The first major seizure that he suffered was hell. It was hell for him; it was hell for our family. The day that he had his first major seizure is easily in the top five worst days of my life. I don’t want to spend too much time dwelling on the worst days of my life, so I am not going to really try to rank them, but that day was hideous. Luckily (depending on how you look at it), he’s only had three major seizures after that one. And as awful as the subsequent seizures were, they weren’t as bad as the first one. Why is this? The subsequent seizures weren’t as bad as the first one, because we mostly knew what to expect. We had been through the experience, and we knew that we would get to the other side. We knew that we could handle the pain and the uncertainty and the fear and the worry. We knew that processing all of the feelings that result from his seizures is tough and necessary, but we also knew that we were up to the challenge, because we have already proven that to ourselves. People think that negative, grueling experiences toughen you up, but I don’t really believe that. I think that negative, grueling experiences prove to you, just how tough you really are and have always been, but you just didn’t know it. You forgot. Tough experiences reveal to you, your true inner core of strength. And the beauty of going through some extremely hard stuff (which almost all of us have gone through, by this middle stage in our lives), is that you have that knowledge about yourself. You know that you can handle almost anything that life brings to bear. Your inner steeliness becomes your recognizable outer armor.
I read a quote the other day that said this, “Even cowards can endure hardship; only the brave can endure suspense.” There is a lot of truth to this statement. I always say, “I know in my heart that I can handle anything, but I hate being in limbo. I hate wondering. I hate the times of indecision and waiting. That’s when my self-torture starts.”
We have a lot of limbo going on in the world right now. The uncertainty is so wide and has been happening for so long, that it feels like being stuck on an incredibly tall roller coaster going up, up, up, climbing the metal tracks, ever so slowly . . . clack . . . clack . . . clack, gazing down below, if you dare, to all that you could be crashing down into, at any moment. Lately, life feels like living in the constant build-up stage, to the crescendo of a horror film. Our imaginations run wild as we watch movies like this, as the characters in the story pick up the phone, or open the door to the basement, or hear a fearsome rustle in the bushes outside. The anticipation of what could happen is terrifying, especially since our human nature often takes us to the worst case scenarios. But in reality, what almost always happens at the end of a roller coaster ride? We end up safely back at the wooden gates, laughing and smiling and exhilarated for what we have been through. And even if we didn’t like the amusement ride, it is past us now, and we have that notch in our belts, for having survived the experience. Retrospectively, the roller coaster ride ends up being a lot shorter than it seemed, while first crawling up that first big incline of the ride. And to the same point, what generally happens at the end of a thriller film? Usually, the crazy lunatic is finally stopped in his or her tracks, by our favorite hero or heroine, and we all can breathe again, as the movie ends in a feeling of relief and reprieve and calm. And even if this is not the case, as we parents always assured our children, “The movie was just pretend.” The worst case scenarios rarely, rarely come to fruition in the movies, or in life. A happy ending is almost always assured for us. The point of getting on to the roller coaster or us watching the thriller is because we like the excitement. These are some of the types of things that make us feel acutely alive. Some of us prefer small doses of thrills. The merry-go-rounds and musicals are enough for some of us. And others prefer bungee jumping and hatchet films. And then there is everything in between. Still, we each enter into these experiences because we want to feel the strong exhilaration that they create for us. We want all of the sensations of feeling alive in every state of our being. We feel the tenseness of our muscles, we feel the alertness of our minds, and we feel the relief and the letting go, the very peace of our inner spirits, when the ride safely ends, or the movie is over and complete.
I think that life is a lot like this. I like to believe that we entered into this earthly experience with the full expectation of thrills and challenges and calm periods, and being able to notice and to feel the distinctly different sensations that all of these unique experiences bring to us. I like to think that we step into the ride of our lives, or start the film of our lives, knowing that we will go through all sorts of ups and downs, but in the end, everything will end up alright. We step on to the ride, or we confidently press the start button, because we inherently understand that we are created to be strong enough to handle anything (the good, the bad and the ugly) and we want to give it a try. I think that probably the hardest challenge of this ride of life, isn’t the crazy ups and downs, it isn’t even the horrifying suspense moments, but more so, the most grueling part of this life experience is facing the reality, of how fast this life adventure really goes, as it heads towards the journey’s safe end.
