Yesterday, I had a very strange, surreal experience. It makes me uncomfortable to admit it to myself and even more so, to admit it, out loud, on my blog. I came to realize how sickeningly addicted I am to my tech and my need for instant gratification. It all happened in a span of about 20 minutes yesterday morning.
I had finished up writing my blog and so I started perusing the internet for “funnies.” I came across a couple of YouTube videos that I thought were hilarious and particularly apropos for two different groups of friends with whom I text with on almost a daily basis. So I shared the videos with my girlfriend groups and then I sent a family hashtag chat text (see previous blogpost) expressing my love out to my immediate family. I sat back smugly, waiting to hear the “text chime” on my phone and to read the breezy banter that was sure to come. I was in a giddy Friday mood and I was up for cyber fun! About 5 minutes after I sent the texts, I started getting nervous because there were no responses. Is my phone broken? Is the Wi-fi not working? Maybe the videos are streaming slowly? About 10 minutes after I sent the texts with no responses, I started getting paranoid. Did I offend my dear friends with “in poor taste” video selections? Was there a major catastrophe that I’m not aware of happening in this very instant? Are my family members dead? After 15 minutes, I started going insane. Maybe, I’m dead. Did I die? Am I going to be floating over my body any minute? Am I going to be like Bruce Willis’ character in the movie, The Sixth Sense? I put a mirror under my nose.
Right around the 20 minute mark, everyone started texting me back. The chime was going off every few seconds. My husband even texted that he had made reservations for the evening at a hip, new restaurant. Right before that, though, I felt like life had stopped. I felt like my life had hit an uncomfortable pause button and the anxiety I felt almost had me shaking. Wow. What a self-awareness moment for me! Scary! Why should I think that everyone should drop whatever they are doing right in that very moment to text me or even just “like” an unsolicited video that I texted? Why should my adult/almost adult kids feel like they have to reassure their mother that they are still alive just because they aren’t sitting on the couch with me? Really. I have friends who toured Europe as young college students before the days of cell phones and somehow their parents managed to live in faith, knowing that their daughters were doing great and enjoying life, exploring the world, wherever in the world they may have been. So, I guess the moral of the story is that I need to hone in my expectations, pull back my self-absorbed tendencies, and put a halt to my dependence on constant contact and feedback. I’m 47-years old. I have spent much more of my life without a cell phone attached to my hand than I have, with one. This was truly a fascinating exercise in self-awareness. Now, I’m going to go text my good, supportive friend about this epiphanic “wake up” call and she had better get right back to me with some feedback or at the very least, a “like”.