Tag: Spock

A Little Dab of Stoicism

” . . . serenity and stability are results of your choices and judgment, not your environment. If you seek to avoid all disruptions to tranquility – other people, external events, stress – you will never be successful. Your problems will follow you wherever you run and hide. But if you seek to avoid the harmful and disruptive judgments that cause those problems, then you will be stable and steady wherever you happen to be.” – (idea attributed to the philosopher Epictetus, from the book, The Daily Stoic)

The dictionary defines a stoic as this: “a person who can endure pain or hardship without showing their feelings or complaining.” Pictures of the Star Trek character Spock pop up when you look up the word “stoic.”

No one would ever accuse me of being a stoic. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. That’s what attracted me to learn more about the philosophy of stoicism. Opposites attract.

The Daily Stoic is a book of 366 short daily meditations that so far seems to me, to be repeating and ingraining the idea of “the circle of control”. See below (credit: Clair Newton):

We’ve all seen the circle of control. I’ve shared it before on the blog. Basically the circle of control shows that only what is in the center of the circle, is what you have full control over in this present moment. In the blue ring, you may have some influence, but you do have full control and in the outside circle, you have virtually almost no control, even though these things are a part of your everyday life. A true stoic stays in the center of the circle of control, and accepts all that is outside of the center, unemotionally and detachedly.

I’m early into my studies of stoicism, but what I am learning so far, is that stoics aren’t necessarily emotionless, it’s just that their tranquility does not depend on what is happening outside of them. They make it a habit to be tranquil, for tranquility’s sake, and they find this inner peacefulness through a daily focus on a “code of honor” (credit Donald J. Robertson):

The Stoic Virtues and Code of Honor

  • Love the truth and seek wisdom.
  • Act with justice, fairness, and kindness toward others.
  • Master your fears and be courageous.
  • Master your desires and live with self-discipline.

Interestingly, while I have a hard time relating to Spock, Andy Dufresne from the classic film, The Shawshank Redemption is also listed as a stoic. Even though Andy was wrongfully charged for murder and sentenced to a lifetime of prison, he heroically makes the most of his situation and in the end of the film, we witness his redemption. Andy wasn’t emotionless, but Andy didn’t let his emotions rule him. The level of emotional self-control which he had, meant that others couldn’t take him down, by using the weapon of his own emotions against him.

As a writer and a creative, I’m in love with emotion. I’m in love with passion and heart and energetic, emotional movement of the inner soul. However, I am learning that stoicism may be confused with the idea of lack of emotion, where instead, stoicism is the harnessing of emotion to make it work for you. Stoicism understands emotion, and therefore keeps it in its rightful perspective. The three most celebrated founders of Stoicism are Marcus Aurelius, Epictetus, and Seneca. Here are some thoughts attributed to these philosophers:

Marcus Aurelius:

“The happiness of your life depends upon the quality of your thoughts.” 

 “Don’t go on discussing what a good person should be. Just be one.”

Epictetus:

“Any person capable of angering you becomes your master; he can anger you only when you permit yourself to be disturbed by him.”

“He who laughs at himself never runs out of things to laugh at.”

Seneca:

“We suffer more often in imagination than in reality.”

“It’s not because things are difficult that we dare not venture. It’s because we dare not venture that they are difficult.” 

Are you finding that you may be more stoic than you ever imagined yourself to be? I am, too.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Insert Hand Over Mouth

“Before you say it,  Is it true?  Is it kind?  Is it necessary?” – Bernard Meltzer

I used to espouse the above quotation to my children so much that my youngest son took it and ran with it.  He said it so much and so loudly in school, that his second grade teacher made a giant poster board of those three questions and credited it to my son.   For the record, my son is not Bernard Meltzer.

In all fairness, this was more of a “do as I say, not as I do” teaching.  It is something to strive for every day, but I admittedly fall short.  I have a tendency to be blunt.  I also have a tendency to blame my bluntness on the fact that I’m a Sagittarius.  (As if a pseudoscience based on the alignment of planets excuses me for being an ass, but hell, taking accountability is a work in progress, too.)

We’ve all heard the saying that we have two ears and one mouth for a reason, but in a loud world filled with so much information, it sometimes feels like we need to shout to be heard.  And quickly.  The trick is to stop and to think and to ponder before shouting, I guess.  There is a Latin saying that when translated goes something like this, “Truth speaks for itself, if we let it speak.”

I have learned from experts that there are 5 simple rules for good communication. The first rule is to be in a place of empathy and compassion.  The second rule is to stay calm and try not to speak from an angry place.  The third rule is to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements to avoid blaming and shaming.  The 4th rule is to ask questions instead of lecturing.  “How do you think this situation makes me feel?” is a good question to ask another person for getting them to see things from your perspective. And the 5th rule is to make an agreement about things going forward and to forgive the past.  Of course, these rules work best if you are superhuman, or the emotionless Mr. Spock or the incredibly kind Dalai Lama, but nevertheless, they are something to strive for in our every day relationships.

There is a neat tee shirt company called Om + Ah London.  One of their best selling tees says this:  Be the reason someone believes in the goodness of people.  I imagine that being a thoughtful communicator would go a long way in achieving this goal.  The quote is certainly a worthwhile goal to strive for and possibly might be worth putting on a giant poster board right beside my desk.