Ambiguous Grief

“People don’t become estranged from safe people.” – Josh Connelly

I’m not going to go into details, but I’m sad to say that I have been estranged from certain family members for several years now, and the choice to go no contact with these family members is the most difficult, yet most necessary decision which I have ever made in my life. And although this is definitely the right decision for me to have made, it is something that pains me greatly. It feels like a grieving process that never ever ends. When someone is still alive whom you grieve for, it is called ambiguous grief and it is sad, and confusing and never ending, and still filled with a tiny twinge of unhelpful hope. It’s hard to come to complete acceptance and closure in this situation. It’s hard to assuage the feelings of guilt, realizing that you may have inflicted some ambiguous grief on to someone else, only because for your own health and sanity, you had to make the choice to disengage completely from the relationship.

I knew that these particular relationships were unhealthy since I was a child. When I was a teenager I would comb the library trying to understand what I knew was wrong, but I didn’t have a name for it. When I first entered therapy in my twenties (hiding my car in a separate parking lot, terrified someone would know that I was there) I learned the term narcissism. This was in the 1990s. The internet was hardly what it is now. I had never heard the term “narcissism” before and it was such a relief to have an understanding of what was clearly happening in some of my closest relationships. I also learned terms like “enmeshment” and “boundaries” and “emotional abuse.” I know that you can find a gazillion resources about these terms on the internet now and that is a Godsend, but at the time, these resources were not so readily available.

It took me another twenty years, until I was in my mid-forties, having gone through years of therapy (two different therapists, plus group therapy, plus codependency help groups, plus online support, plus reading every self-help book available to me about the subject that I could get my hands on), and having tried every boundary suggestion possible, in order to make these relationships still work in my life, that I finally hit my bottom. My pitcher was full, and I could not take another drop of pain. I finally realized that nothing was going to change, and for the health and sanity of myself, and to be the best mother and wife for my immediate family, I had to go no contact with these people. It broke my heart. I’m a “fixer.” I wanted to “fix this” more than anything else. But it couldn’t be fixed. It took every bit of strength and courage that I had in me to make this decision to go no contact with these family members, and to stick with it. It still does.

Like I said, I don’t want to get into too many personal details, but I wanted to write this for those of you who may be questioning someone else’s choice to be estranged from their family members. (It’s more common than you think.) I assure you, these decisions are NOT made easily. They are grueling, and long in coming, after years and years and years, of trying and hoping and enduring great suffering. And estrangement isn’t even a perfect solution. It’s just the better of two evils. And once the decision is made, more societal shame is often heaped upon the victims for making this decision. It’s interesting to me that people are quick to “guilt” people who leave toxic relationships with people whom they are related to, but these same people are also quick to “guilt” people who are in toxic romantic relationships, to get out and to stay out. Why should anyone remain in any toxic relationship, no matter what that relationship happens to be?

I am happily married for almost 30 years. Our four adult children are thriving in their adult lives and we have great relationships with all of them. We live in a nice house and take nice trips and walk our nice dogs. I have sometimes gotten the insinuations from people that since I have a “great” life, I couldn’t have possibly lived through decades of abuse. If you could only realize how hard I have worked for my “great” life, making it my biggest goal and priority above all else, working on myself and my feelings and my understandings, every single day of my life to this day, you would understand better. People hide the hard stuff they go through. It’s our human nature. It’s our survival instincts. Often we hide the truth from ourselves, keeping ourselves in denial of the bad stuff, and of the toxic degree of the bad stuff, because it’s our only way through it . . . . until it isn’t.

I’m fortunate that I have dear friends and family who have supported me wholeheartedly throughout this experience, and I am forever grateful to you all. I love you all so much. I know that a lot of people don’t have this same kind of support and understanding. You all have helped me to heal in so many ways, and to open my heart to trust, more than you could ever understand. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I am writing this today to help others in my position, as you’ve gotten to know me and my heart, throughout my years of writing this blog. If you can accept and support me with this revelation that I have made today, please extend this same love, acceptance and support to others who have also had to make this dreadful decision, in their own lives. We really don’t know what anyone is dealing with in their private lives. This isolation and abuse is a lot to bear, without the extra pain of quick judgments, and guilt trips heaped onto a situation that you have not personally lived through, and you can’t possibly understand. People rarely lie about abuse. And accepting abuse is self-abuse, and no form of abuse is okay.

If you are a person struggling in any toxic relationship, please reach out for help. There are thankfully so many resources available now, thanks to the explosion of the internet and the new focus on the need for advances in mental health. Abusers thrive in secrecy. Accepting and sharing your truth, the truth, WILL set you free. It won’t be easy. But you deserve your own love more than anyone else in the world deserves it. You are the only one who can save you, and when you start doing that, you will be shocked at all of the support coming out of the woodwork to hear you, and to help you to help yourself.

Less ‘You’re so strong’ and more ‘That looks heavy. Let me help you carry it.” – Nate Postlewait

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

1329. Where is the strangest place you have ever fallen asleep?

Trying

Friends and I were having a discussion about different frustrations going on in our lives. I blurted out “That’s why it is so hard trying to be healthier in a world that mostly isn’t!” My friend said, “That’s a profound statement.”

By the time we reach middle age, my husband likes to say that pretty much everyone has gone through at least “one major biggie.” Something happens that rocks your world. Whether it be a major health situation, a relationship breakdown, or a career crisis, or something of the like, these are the pivotal moments in our lives. These are the moments where you either decide to get introspective and mindful, owning the parts that you play in the situation, and coming to the realization that the only person whose thoughts and actions you have any control over, are your own. Or, you stay mired in the victimhood of the situation, casting blame and moping in despair, on the throne of martyrdom, until the next crisis rears its ugly head.

It’s lonely to work on getting healthier in mind, body and spirit. There are plenty places to do it: nature, gyms, health food stores, churches, therapists, self-help books, support groups, yoga studios, etc., but oftentimes, if the quick fix doesn’t happen, we swiftly go back to our old habits, patterns and beliefs and feel sorry for ourselves. We always want the quick fix – a magic pill, with an absolute 100% guarantee.

It’s difficult, in any situation, to feel like you are that only kid who sees/accepts that the emperor obviously isn’t wearing any clothes. It feels lonely. Whether it is noticing all of the processed crap in our grocery stores, or facing all of the unhealthy communication styles in every social institution that we have (such as manipulation, passive aggressive comments, sarcasm, bullying, and sneaky half-truths. It’s funny that we’re so afraid of “direct communication” because we think that it is “mean”, but direct communication is the kindest, most honest and clear form of communication which we can utilize. People can deal with being disappointed that you aren’t able to go/do/be something that they want you to go/do/be, and you can live and deal with the knowledge that the person is disappointed. We’ve all coped with all sorts of disappointment in our lives, and we’re all still standing.) When we can sit with our own difficult emotions, instead of lashing out, or doing mindless, addictive behaviors to avoid feeling our feelings, or depressively shaming ourselves for having negative feelings, we are on a healthy road to acceptance and self-love and compassion for ourselves and for others. The ability to sit with our own difficult emotions is a simple process, but not an easy one. It’s actually pretty grueling. It takes constant practice and discipline to decide to work on being the healthiest version of ourselves. And that’s why it seems to be such a rare phenomenon in our society. Any family, social group, institution is usually only as healthy as its least healthy member.

It’s not our jobs to “fix” anyone but ourselves. Self improvement is a lot in itself. And when we keep the focus on ourselves, we can notice the unhealthiness in the people and the organizations and institutions surrounding us. We can use these observations to place boundaries to keep a safe path for ourselves to continue to grow and to heal and to prosper in our own lives. A great question to start with, to really get a detached view of yourself, and your individual beliefs, is to take a look at a situation that bothers you, and ask the question, “What story am I telling myself about this situation?” You may be incredibly surprised about some of the falsehoods, silliness, and level of emotional control you have given to others, in this particular happening.

Our “stories” often aren’t full of facts at all. They are mostly our own perceptions, based on our own emotions and past experiences. My eldest son and I love watching indie films and thought-provoking shows, and talking about them afterwards. My husband and I recently watched “The White Lotus” and we really liked it and we recommended it to him. As expected, he loved the show and he binge watched it. When my son and I discussed the show, I was amazed at what stood out to him (parts that seemed relatively inconsequential to me). He made a lot of references and analogies to meditation, an interest of his that has he has been spending a lot of time on lately. I laughed to myself. My son is 26 and I’m almost 52. He’s half my age. Of course, what stood out for him in the show, would be different than what made an impression on me. I imagine if we both wrote reviews of “The White Lotus”, people might wonder if we watched the same show.

When I am being mindful, I notice when I am judging others for their lack of self-introspection, and then I can notice my physical, mental, and spiritual response to my judgment. What story am I telling myself about this person/situation/experience?

The sewing project above, if it were truly healthy (and not just cute and funny) would read, “People in therapy are often in therapy to deal with their own perceptions about, and need to control the people in their lives who won’t go to therapy.” But that of course, would make the sewing project above much more time-consuming, difficult, and expensive, wouldn’t it now? That would be quite a demanding project.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Holding Space

Image

I saw this on Twitter from the Inner Practitioner’s feed. This “holding space for someone” is such a hard skill to learn, yet it is so valuable. I thought that I would “hold space” for these instructions, on my blog, so that it is something that we can all pull back up, and refer to, as a good reminder.

Thank you, readers, for your constant support. I am so grateful for the part you play in my blogging experience. Enjoy your day. Have some fun!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.