I’m writing this on Wednesday night. We are leaving early in the morning again for yet another high school tennis tournament that could easily end up being my last big high school sporting event ever, out of the last 26 years in which I (with my husband) have raised four children and supported their schooling, and their activities, and their sports, every single year. Year after year. And this is blowing my mind. And it is blowing my heart. Into a million little pieces.
I never wanted my children to feel like I lived through them. I never wanted my children to feel like I was an endless blackhole pit of need, for them to fill. I always wanted us to enjoy each other as individuals, who are happy and fulfilled separately, but also eager to support, and to enjoy each other. Still, I dove in. I dove in deep into this pool of mothering. I love my family that we have created like nothing I have ever loved, and I love the friends whom my children love. I’m a natural mother hen. I protect those whom I love, and I protect those people whom my people love. One of my favorite boys on the team told me yesterday that it wasn’t likely that his parents would come to the tennis banquet. It wouldn’t interest them. This is a man-child who worked so hard to lose at least 50 pounds, and he worked endlessly to earn his number five spot on the team. All that I could think to say to him was, “Well, aren’t they stinkers?!?” And we hugged each other hard. And I thought, “Wow, your parents have missed out on so much, and they will never, ever get it back. And they will never know what all that they have missed.” And I thought that I am so grateful that I have savored these moments. Because now, “these moments” are almost done. “These moments”, that sometimes, quite frankly, I often wondered, in a frazzled state, if they would ever, ever end, are actually coming to what feels like a sudden, and abrupt close, and honestly, I feel a little lost. Honestly, I feel a little lost. I feel a little lost.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.