nicole lapera Archives - Adulting: Second- Half

Friend Zone

****Happy Birthday, to my blue-eyed (yes, they’re blue!) baby. Your intelligence, truthfulness, humor, and resilience has me in awe, always. I’m so proud of you and excited for your next big steps! Your mama always has your back.****

“a sitcom about a friend group where not everyone is in every episode because they have other friends they like to hang out with sometimes” – @Dave_Horwitz

“We need to start talking about abusive friendships where there’s shaming, jealousy, or different levels of emotional manipulation. Abuse isn’t something that only happens in romantic relationships.” – Dr. Nicole LaPera

I had a fascinating text exchange with good friends of mine yesterday. One friend was lamenting as to whether she wanted to go to a neighborhood Christmas party or not, because a “frenemy” in that group recently posted a picture of a more exclusive holiday experience with just a few people in their long-standing neighborhood friend group. There was a lot more to this story, and it’s not my story to tell, but it brought up a broader, interesting conversation about friendships, in general.

Who hasn’t been in situations like these? When our children were little we lived in a huge neighborhood in North Carolina with a neighborhood pool club, which served as ‘neighborhood central’. Our local elementary school was primarily just for our neighborhood. Our friendships were mostly created by having children in the same age groups. It was honestly a wonderful, love-filled experience for us, and for our children, and we all have fond memories of living there. But, of course, no friend groups exist without drama. There were inevitable cliques, and underhanded, toxic situations that demanded that people “take sides”. There were brutal betrayals, and as children grew up and many of us moved on to different pastures, “what was” is now just a fond memory, with the hazy edges of letting the bad stuff fall off, and the good stuff still be at the heart of the memories.

In our discussion about friendships, one friend noted that she has been burned enough in friendships, that she finds that she experiences more social anxiety than she ever has before. Even with us all being in our fifties and older, and being older and wiser, we still worry about what people think about us, even though logically, we all know better than to do so. As the wisdom is often said – “What someone thinks of me, is none of my business.”

My own experience in my friendships, since I was a kid, was to stay in my comfort zone, i.e. “on the peripheral.” I’ve always been a wanderer. I’ve been included in a lot of different groups throughout my life. My nerdy book club friends have always been every bit as important to me as my fun, party friends, and my longtime, “I knew you when” friends, and my intimate soul sisters, who got together in an organic fashion to understand how to help each other to feel better. Thankfully, I am married to my best friend, so I’ve never felt a need to find “a bestie” outside of our relationship. I’ve always been welcomed by a lot of different kinds of people, but I’ve never been anyone’s “maid of honor.” And I’m cool with that fact. I feel safe and free and less committal on the periphery. I find that there are less expectations, less drama, and less likelihood of really angering someone, when you are on the periphery. It helps that I like being by myself a lot, too. Perhaps I am my own best bestie? I don’t know how to armchair psycholize myself in regards to my friendships, other than to say, I am mostly pleased and satisfied with my friendships in my life and my place in them. Do my feelings occasionally get hurt when I am not included in something? Of course. I’m human. But ultimately, I’m satisfied with the relationships in my life. Being a satellite sister is the right place for me.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Dumping Grounds

I read something the other day that made me turn red with self-recognition, and I was completely by myself. The article talked about “emotional dumping” and “spreading your fears.” When you just unload on a person without asking for their consent, it can be really upsetting and overwhelming for them. Emotional dumping usually comes out of nowhere, rapidly, full of charge, without much warning and with the underlying expectation that the person being “dumped on” will somehow be able to fix the situation. It’s literally like taking all of the garbage swirling around inside of you, and dumping it on your unsuspecting loved one, out of nowhere.

The difference between emotional dumping and healthy venting is all in how you handle it. Of course, it is good to be able to vent your frustrations with close family and friends, but it should be done with a level of awareness of the state of emotional being that you are in, and also being cognizant if the other party is in a good place/state of mind to be there for you. It requires a level of calm, good communication skills, mutuality, and a respect for boundaries.

This process of distinguishing between the fine line of emotional dumping versus healthy venting is best handled when we take a pause. We notice our highly charged emotional state. We start to self soothe healthfully – breathwork, taking a walk, writing in our journals, asking ourselves, “What story am I telling myself about this situation? Is it possible to look at it in a different way?” Then, if we still feel the need to vent, we can ask a trusted friend or family member, “Are you available to hear my frustration about a situation right now?” If they are able to be there for us at that time, we should state what we are trying to get from our conversation. “Please don’t try to solve this for me. I am just wanting to ‘get it out.’ ” Or if we really are confused and want some input, we should ask specific questions, such as, “Are you seeing anything that I am missing? Are there steps that you think would be helpful for me to take?”

We need to be open and non-defensive about suggestions, if we ask for them. It doesn’t mean that we have to take the advice and run with it, but it does give us perspective and food for thought. We also should be aware of how long we are venting, and if we are beating the same dead horse, again and again. We all know how frustrating it is to be on the end of the “same old/same old” vent session with someone who likes to stay in their victim chair, complaining away, and yet never makes even the tiniest steps to change the situation.

We have to realize that the people whom we tend to use as our emotional dump yards, tend to be the most loyal, best listeners we know. These people are safe, kind and ooze empathy and so they become our go-to dump yards. Are these the types of people who deserve to be dumped on? And aren’t these gems of humanity deserving a little of our undivided attention for a vent session of their own?

On the other side of the coin, if you are a person who tends to be an emotional dump yard for other people, this is your wake-up call to set some boundaries. It’s okay to protect yourself and your emotional well-being. In fact, it’s imperative. You can say, “I’m sorry, but I am not in a good space to hear you right now,” or “I can listen for about ten minutes, but then I have to get going,” or “”I’m not the right person to discuss this problem with, but mentors, therapists, ministers, etc. have been really helpful to me in dealing with situations like this. Try those resources.” Remember, you are not a dump yard. You are a beautiful being with your own issues to deal with, and your worth doesn’t come from “solving” other people’s problems. Everyone’s life is their own responsibility, and we can be mutually good support systems to each other, without being dumpers and dumpees.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

The Root of All Evil

“Insecurity is the root of all “evil”. Not money, not drugs, not greed or lust. These things are just symptoms of being raised with a lack of sense of self. Parents wonder how they can protect their children from the world. Not understanding that when children are raised in emotionally healthy, secure environments where they’re fully able to be themselves – they don’t need protection. They’re prepared.” – Dr. Nicole LePera

Late this week, our middle son asked if he could come home (our home) for the weekend. He wanted a break from the bustling city that he lives smack dab in the middle of, and he is anticipating a really busy fall, so he thought that it would be a good time to come visit us. We, of course, were delighted. Getting past my own insecure fears of “Is everything okay? Does he have something serious to discuss with us?”, I decided to stop with the doomsday thoughts and to just enjoy the experience of having our youngest two sons home with us, out of their own volition. (our youngest son is living with us, this summer, while he does an internship in our city) So far, the visit has been wonderful. Currently, our middle son is biking with his father, as I write this. Our son didn’t get in until late last night, because he had an exam to take and a paper to finish. So once again, I had to talk myself out of my own insecure fears of our son being exhausted and driving on the road, late at night. He arrived here happily, confidently, and all in one piece.

I absolutely believe that most of the world’s ails are caused by unhappy people and I agree with Dr. LePera, that most unhappiness comes from insecurities. We did our very best to raise secure-in-themselves children. There is no one in the world who never, ever feels insecure, but people who confidently know themselves seem to be able to get past their insecurities quicker, and with less damage to themselves (and to others). Still, I have come to realize that being a mother, has added a whole new nest of insecurities to the ones I already have brewing in my own pot. And even though my children are grown, I see that I still host some insecurities about my mothering skills and abilities. (Does our son really want to come home for “no reason” other than he loves us? Did we do a good enough job raising a child who will know and honor, when he is too tired and worn out to drive long distances at night??)

I have come to peace that none of us will never be out of “The School of Life” until we take our last dying breaths. We will never have it all figured out, but we can always improve and be a little better than we were, the day before, if we are willing to be honest with ourselves and to try.

I cut and pasted these steps to help lessen your own insecurities, from an excellent article from BetterUp. You can read the whole article by Shonna Waters, by clicking on the highlighted words below:

Confront your feelings rather than avoid them.
Have a growth mindset and set solid goals.
Prepare yourself for setbacks but don’t let them control you.
Embrace all of your characteristics and passions.
Challenge your negative thoughts and think critically.
Surround yourself with positive, encouraging people.
Listen to other people’s stories about overcoming their insecurities.
Try new things that make you happy.
Let go of people and situations that fuel your insecurities.
Be proud of your progress, no matter how big or small it is.

Don’t be afraid to admit to your insecurities. We all have them, and they can only be cured, by admitting to them in the first place. As Dr. LePera says, when a person is fully themselves, that is when they are best prepared and protected for dealing with life’s challenges. You can never be fully yourself, until you accept and get to know, and embrace all parts of yourself, even the parts which feel a little scared and insecure, at times.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.