Tag: narcissists

Ambiguous Grief

“People don’t become estranged from safe people.” – Josh Connelly

I’m not going to go into details, but I’m sad to say that I have been estranged from certain family members for several years now, and the choice to go no contact with these family members is the most difficult, yet most necessary decision which I have ever made in my life. And although this is definitely the right decision for me to have made, it is something that pains me greatly. It feels like a grieving process that never ever ends. When someone is still alive whom you grieve for, it is called ambiguous grief and it is sad, and confusing and never ending, and still filled with a tiny twinge of unhelpful hope. It’s hard to come to complete acceptance and closure in this situation. It’s hard to assuage the feelings of guilt, realizing that you may have inflicted some ambiguous grief on to someone else, only because for your own health and sanity, you had to make the choice to disengage completely from the relationship.

I knew that these particular relationships were unhealthy since I was a child. When I was a teenager I would comb the library trying to understand what I knew was wrong, but I didn’t have a name for it. When I first entered therapy in my twenties (hiding my car in a separate parking lot, terrified someone would know that I was there) I learned the term narcissism. This was in the 1990s. The internet was hardly what it is now. I had never heard the term “narcissism” before and it was such a relief to have an understanding of what was clearly happening in some of my closest relationships. I also learned terms like “enmeshment” and “boundaries” and “emotional abuse.” I know that you can find a gazillion resources about these terms on the internet now and that is a Godsend, but at the time, these resources were not so readily available.

It took me another twenty years, until I was in my mid-forties, having gone through years of therapy (two different therapists, plus group therapy, plus codependency help groups, plus online support, plus reading every self-help book available to me about the subject that I could get my hands on), and having tried every boundary suggestion possible, in order to make these relationships still work in my life, that I finally hit my bottom. My pitcher was full, and I could not take another drop of pain. I finally realized that nothing was going to change, and for the health and sanity of myself, and to be the best mother and wife for my immediate family, I had to go no contact with these people. It broke my heart. I’m a “fixer.” I wanted to “fix this” more than anything else. But it couldn’t be fixed. It took every bit of strength and courage that I had in me to make this decision to go no contact with these family members, and to stick with it. It still does.

Like I said, I don’t want to get into too many personal details, but I wanted to write this for those of you who may be questioning someone else’s choice to be estranged from their family members. (It’s more common than you think.) I assure you, these decisions are NOT made easily. They are grueling, and long in coming, after years and years and years, of trying and hoping and enduring great suffering. And estrangement isn’t even a perfect solution. It’s just the better of two evils. And once the decision is made, more societal shame is often heaped upon the victims for making this decision. It’s interesting to me that people are quick to “guilt” people who leave toxic relationships with people whom they are related to, but these same people are also quick to “guilt” people who are in toxic romantic relationships, to get out and to stay out. Why should anyone remain in any toxic relationship, no matter what that relationship happens to be?

I am happily married for almost 30 years. Our four adult children are thriving in their adult lives and we have great relationships with all of them. We live in a nice house and take nice trips and walk our nice dogs. I have sometimes gotten the insinuations from people that since I have a “great” life, I couldn’t have possibly lived through decades of abuse. If you could only realize how hard I have worked for my “great” life, making it my biggest goal and priority above all else, working on myself and my feelings and my understandings, every single day of my life to this day, you would understand better. People hide the hard stuff they go through. It’s our human nature. It’s our survival instincts. Often we hide the truth from ourselves, keeping ourselves in denial of the bad stuff, and of the toxic degree of the bad stuff, because it’s our only way through it . . . . until it isn’t.

I’m fortunate that I have dear friends and family who have supported me wholeheartedly throughout this experience, and I am forever grateful to you all. I love you all so much. I know that a lot of people don’t have this same kind of support and understanding. You all have helped me to heal in so many ways, and to open my heart to trust, more than you could ever understand. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I am writing this today to help others in my position, as you’ve gotten to know me and my heart, throughout my years of writing this blog. If you can accept and support me with this revelation that I have made today, please extend this same love, acceptance and support to others who have also had to make this dreadful decision, in their own lives. We really don’t know what anyone is dealing with in their private lives. This isolation and abuse is a lot to bear, without the extra pain of quick judgments, and guilt trips heaped onto a situation that you have not personally lived through, and you can’t possibly understand. People rarely lie about abuse. And accepting abuse is self-abuse, and no form of abuse is okay.

If you are a person struggling in any toxic relationship, please reach out for help. There are thankfully so many resources available now, thanks to the explosion of the internet and the new focus on the need for advances in mental health. Abusers thrive in secrecy. Accepting and sharing your truth, the truth, WILL set you free. It won’t be easy. But you deserve your own love more than anyone else in the world deserves it. You are the only one who can save you, and when you start doing that, you will be shocked at all of the support coming out of the woodwork to hear you, and to help you to help yourself.

“Less ‘You’re so strong’ and more ‘That looks heavy. Let me help you carry it.” – Nate Postlewait

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

1329. Where is the strangest place you have ever fallen asleep?

Narcissism Ad Nauseum

There is so much attention on the personality disorder called narcissism these days. It’s almost overwhelming the amount of information and so-called experts that there are on the subject of narcissism, in books, in social media, on TV, and in podcasts. Many of us have become armchair psychologists, doling out diagnoses of narcissism to the people in our own lives, whom we dislike, and whom we find distasteful. Many times I have experienced two people who I know, who were once a romantic couple, or who were once extremely close friends, all of the sudden, after the breakdown of the relationship, each triumphantly calling the other a narcissist, sometimes with fancy adjectives like “malignant”, “sociopathic” or “covert” added to the title, for flourish and for emphasis. Believe it or not, though, not every self-absorbed, self-impressed person who takes too many selfies, is actually a narcissist. A true, clinically diagnosed narcissist, is probably more rare than snow in south Florida, because most narcissists will never, ever get near to a psychologist’s office for self-reflection, and/or diagnosis. Self-reflection is not at all possible for a true narcissist. A true narcissist blames all of his or her own problems, on all other people, and on institutions that have somehow personally persecuted him or her, in his or her own mind. A true narcissist believes that they are never at fault for anything. A true narcissist is a perpetual victim. A true narcissist will never find reasons to change themselves, in order to create any kind of lasting, meaningful, positive adjustments, in their lives and in their relationships. A true narcissist might do chameleon-like, manipulative acts, here and there, to get you to do what they want you to do for them immediately, but in the long term, a true narcissist will always revert back to their insidious, controlling, image conscious, conniving, self-interested behavior, in all of their relationships. (This happens in their professional and their personal relationships, and even in their casual relationships). A true narcissist does not feel any empathy for anyone. He or she only sees others as objects. Narcissists see others as objects and tools who are for nothing more than to get the narcissist, whatever he or she wants. If others do not comply with the narcissist’s bullying, angry outbursts, and manipulations, then the narcissist plays the poor, abandoned victim, and then quickly moves on to their next target.

When you have experienced a relationship with a person who meets the actual diagnosed criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, you will never have to question what the word “toxic” means again. The level of emotional abuse, confusion, cruelty, hurt, “walking on eggshells”, targeted rage, bewilderment, anxiety, sadness, dramatic highs/lows, and self questioning that goes along with being in a relationship with this type of personality disordered person, is overwhelming, damaging, and traumatic. I don’t choose to get into the details right now, but I will say that I learned what the word “narcissist” meant, long before their were millions of resources out there, describing this disorder. I learned what the word “narcissist” meant before there was even a fully functioning internet. And at that time, I was so incredibly relieved to have a name and a description, for what was going on in some of my closest relationships. I felt so gratified and validated to finally understand that my perceptions and my intuitions were correct. This is why part of me is extremely happy that these resources are so readily available now, for confused and bewildered people who are in relationships with narcissists and other toxic, personality-disordered people. To feel the kind of validation that I felt, is so gratifying and awakening, and I want that consoling feeling for anybody.

That being said, there is another part of me who sees that the terminology around narcissism is getting somewhat watered down, and the term “narcissist” is becoming so mainstream, that it sometimes casts doubts on people who truly have suffered in toxic relationships, with these extremely disordered and damaged narcissists. And honestly, a lot of people who we casually disparage as “narcissists” might not actually be diagnosed as such, if they were to undergo the clinical testing that factually determines people’s psychological disorders. But here’s the thing, none of this matters. If the behavior that any one person is exhibiting to you, is painful to you, that is all that you need to know.

When healing from toxic relationships, there is a stage that everyone goes through, where it is so comforting to plow through all of the resources to help explain and to confirm, what was just experienced, in an unhealthy relationship. Unfortunately, though, this stage is a stage where a lot of people get stuck. A lot of us become unofficial Ph.Ds. in psychology, relationships, addictions, personality disorders, etc. at this awakening stage. While it feels good to have a “definition” and proof of one’s undeserved victimization, what really feels good is growing strong enough and wise enough, to gain enough self-love and enough self-confidence and enough self-awareness, that you are highly unlikely to fall prey to any of these toxic, painful, user-types in your own life, ever again.

Most narcissists don’t fall for other narcissists. Most healthy people, with healthy boundaries and expectations, are not narcissists’ main attractions either. Narcissists tend to be magnets for people with low self-esteem, above average empathy and sensitivity, and porous or non-existent boundaries. The reality is that most narcissists and other toxic individuals, developed their personality disorders from abusive people and situations in their own lives, and codependent-type people, with a lot of empathy, often think that with just enough patience and stamina and love, they can help, or change, or heal the narcissists in their lives. (Unfortunately, a healed narcissist is among one of the rarest things in life, even more rare than snow in South Florida. When you are not capable of self introspection, all hopes of healing, end right there. And, like any other infliction, others can support you and guide you, but only you can heal yourself, and that firstly, takes a strong personal desire for change, and for help. It takes an honest and earnest ability to take personal responsibility for your own life. A true, clinical narcissist really isn’t capable of this action, short of a miracle.) Bottom line, if you find yourself in a lot of relationships that feel toxic and uneven and painful, instead of trying to find the correct label for that toxic person or people in your life, and then staying mired in those definitions and in “the whys” that particular person or persons became so damaged and hurt you, and then spending even more time trying to figure out how you can “fix” them, your energy is much better served focusing on YOU, and on your life going forward. Instead of staying stuck in righteous indignation for all the ways that a person “did you dirty”, make your list of their wrongdoings, burn it, and then make a devout promise to yourself that you will practice tools, to keep your precious self, protected and deeply loved, from here on out. It doesn’t matter, really, if the person who you had an unhealthy experience with is a narcissist, or a sociopath, or Lucifer, himself, or maybe just Oscar the Grouch. What matters is, that you recognize that you deserve more. What matters is, that you stand up for yourself. What matters is, that you protect yourself. What matters is, that you honor your own intuition and feelings and boundaries, and make that your highest goal for yourself, for the rest of your life. If you have trouble doing any of that for yourself, choose someone wonderful, who you love more than anyone or anything on this earth, perhaps your child, or a dear friend, or a healthy partner, or your beloved pet, etc. and any time that you have to make a decision for yourself, ask yourself what you would want for that particular loved one, and you do that for yourself.

When you get to this level of self-respect, self-care, self-sufficiency, you’re a badass. You’re practically bullet-proof. And toxic people like much easier targets than bullet-proof badasses. It doesn’t matter if all of the world calls someone who hurt you a jerk, or a victim, or a sweetheart, or a malignant narcissist. What matters is that you trust yourself, to accept what you want for your life, and you accept nothing less. When you are bubbling over, full of life and love itself, you won’t go wandering around looking for others to fill you up, whether it be with their acceptance, or their attention, or their approval. When you trust yourself to honor yourself and your own needs, you will attract other healthy people into your life, who are doing the exact same thing. That’s inspiring. That’s enlivening. And don’t forget, the old adage is true: Living well is the best revenge.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.