Tag: meaning

Seven Rocks

picture credit: CNN

Later this evening I will be travelling up to Virginia to reconnect with my seven best friends from college. We used to be really good about having a yearly reunion, but the last time we have had this reunion (or GW as we call it, “Girls Weekend”) was January 2020, when the coronavirus was just this weird virus happening over in China, that none of us knew anything about.

So more than three years later, all eight of us will finally reconvene, in person, again. And I am so excited. I have known these wonderful women for 34 years, since I was 18 years old. Imagine it – eight, 18-year-old ladies, just coming into early adulthood, connecting in college, and sharing funny, crazy college-age adventures together. (and yes, there were other friends along the way, but none of them seem to have “the sticking power” over the three decades that the eight of us magnets seem to have held on to, despite all odds) It is not lost on me, that as I am early entering into this next stage of my adulthood, I will be with seven of the women who helped me to enter into my first stage of adulthood, and who were there to support me, and to moor and anchor me, and to remind me who I am at my core, as I waded into the murky waters of becoming the adult woman, wife, mother, friend, and the overall person who I am today.

As anyone who has lived a life knows, none of us ladies knew what was in store for us, when we launched each other into the first halves of our adulthood. We had inklings. We had dreams. And all eight of us have experienced amazing, wonderful experiences, and also devastating events in our individual lives. This is just the way of life. But what isn’t always the way, is that not everyone has seven constants on their shores. Not everyone has seven giant rocks and pillars of support who have witnessed all of your milestones throughout your entire adulthood. Not everyone has seven people who know you intimately, and have decided to stick with you, and to focus on your lovely qualities and to mostly ignore your flaws. Such kind mirrors, long-time friends can be! Something in our friendship experience feels divine. Something about reconvening with these ladies right at this early empty nest period of my life, feels divine. Why wouldn’t anyone cling to the people and the experiences in your life which feel divine? There are seven strong pillars waiting for me to unite with them. We have survived storms and waves and calm and sunshine and even some battering among ourselves, and no doubt, we will continue to do so. Our shared friendship has withstood the test of time, and I believe that this combined friendship will help to see me (and us) through all of the next set of adventures in this next stage of adulting, and all the way through to the end of our journeys.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Epiphanies and Curiosities

Yesterday, I was checked out at my local Walgreens by a man who resembled Cousin It. His long, dark curly hair was almost completely covering his face and he also donned a black mask, so it appeared that only one of his eyes was partly visible. I asked the clerk how he was doing and he solidly stated, “I am perfect.”

This made me hesitate. I had never heard the answer, “I am perfect” to “How ya doing?” in my whole life, and I told him that fact. The clerk asked me how I was doing and I answered, “Well, I’m not perfect, but I’m doing pretty well.”

Without a beat, and completely deadpan, he said, “Well, maybe you’ll get there someday.”

Since then, I’ve spent way too much of my time contemplating this two minute interaction. Here I am writing about it on the blog. Was this guy just strange? Was this guy goading me? Was this guy actually perfect? What’s the secret to being perfect? Are we all actually perfect? Was Cousin It supposed to reflect “perfection”?

So, in further insights to my overthinking mind, I read a viral essay by a college student who claims that the “study abroad experience” is horrible and overrated. This student, who was studying in Florence, has the right to her opinion, of course, but I’ve known many people who have studied abroad, including our eldest son, and they all have claimed this experience to easily be in their top ten events of their lives. What was more interesting to me, is that Amanda Knox, the American woman who, in 2007, was falsely imprisoned for murder in Italy, while she was studying abroad, commented on this woman’s essay on Twitter. She said this: “Girl, what are you talking about? Studying abroad is awesome!” 

Now, much like the “I’m perfect” statement, I don’t know in what context this statement by Amanda Knox was being made either. Was she being funny, sarcastic and ironic? Has Amanda evolved and healed enough to truly believe that her own experience in Italy was “awesome”? I honestly don’t know. However, it piqued my interest enough to go to Amanda Knox’s Twitter, and to read her introduction. (A quick update on Amanda Knox: She was acquitted for the murder in Italy in 2015, after spending four years in jail. She went to jail in Italy when she was 20. Amanda Knox now lives in Seattle with her husband and her child and she hosts a popular podcast.) In part of Amanda Knox’s introductory tweets, she says this:

” After I was convicted of murder and sentenced to 26 years in prison, when the earth dropped out from beneath me, and global shame rained down on top of me, I had my first ever epiphany . . . . My epiphany was this: I was not, as I had assumed for my first two years of trial and imprisonment, waiting to get my life back. I was not some lost tourist waiting to go home. I was a prisoner, and prison was my home. I’d thought I was in limbo, awkwardly positioned between my life (the life I should have been living), and someone else’s life (the life of a murderer). I wasn’t. I never had been. . . . .The feeling of clarity, though, was in realizing that however small, cruel, sad, and unfair this life was, it was *my* life. Mine to make meaning out of, mine to live to the best of my ability. There was no more waiting. There was only now . I was alone with my epiphany. I tried to explain it to my mom, but she couldn’t hear me. She thought I was depressed and giving up. She could not, and would not, accept that *this* was my life. She was going to save me, and she just needed me to survive until she did.I told her I would, and it wasn’t a lie. I *would* survive. I knew that, deep in my bones. But I knew that precisely because I had finally accepted that I was living *my* life, whether I was eventually found innocent and freed, or not. I allowed myself to begin to imagine alternate realities. What if I had been home that night, not Meredith, and Rudy Guede had killed me instead? What if I was acquitted and freed in five years? In ten? What if I served my entire sentence, and came home in my late 40s, a barren, bereft woman? What if I killed myself…I imagined all of those futures in vivid detail so that they no longer felt like shadows creeping over me from the realm of unconscious nightmares. And that allowed me to see my actual life for what it was, and to ask myself: How do I make *that* life worth living? That was a big question, one I couldn’t answer in its grandest sense. But there was a smaller version of that question: How can I make my life worth living *today?* I could answer that question, repeatedly. That was entirely in my power. So I did that. Doing sit ups, walking laps, writing a letter, reading a book – these things were enough to make a day worth living. I didn’t know if they were enough to make a life worth living, but I remained open and curious to the possibility. And while my new emotional default setting remained firmly stuck on sad—I woke up sad, spent the entire day sad, and went to sleep sad—it wasn’t a desperate, grasping sadness.It was a sadness brimming with energy beneath the surface, because I was alive with myself and my sanity, and the freeing feeling of seeing reality clearly, however sad that reality was. . . .The abyss never leaves. It’s always there. And anyone who’s stared into it, as I have, knows the strange comfort of carrying it with you.“

Our greatest suffering comes not from what actually happens to us, but our long-term suffering comes from how we think about, and how we react to what happens to us. Whenever I, or anyone I care about is going through a tough time, I repeat the mantra, “One Day at a Time,” all day long if I have to do so, for my own comfort. As Amanda Knox states, if we just concentrate on making our individual days worth living, this will likely add up to a life worth living. If we can work to find meaning and strength in all of the events of our lives, we can springboard from them, instead of wallowing in, and resisting the “unfairness” and the abyss of it all. If we can reach a point of epiphany in our own lives, that no matter what is happening and no matter what we are doing, we can believe that this particular moment, in this particular time, in this particular body, is perfect, then we have peace. And peace is what is perfect, isn’t it? Peace. Perfect. Maybe I’ll get there some day . . .

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

What Is

The Queen’s Platinum Jubilee is happening in the United Kingdom right now. At age 96, Queen Elizabeth is the first British Monarch to have achieved 70 years of service, given to her country. There are all sorts of celebrations and activities happening in the United Kingdom to mark this occasion, all over their country, throughout this weekend.

I happened upon a recent monolog by Bill Maher making fun of some of the rules and customs surrounding the British monarchy. Apparently there is one Earl whose only job is to carve the queen’s meat, and when having a meal with the queen, the minute the queen stops eating, everyone else is required to put down their utensils and stop eating, as well. To many, this seems ridiculous, particularly since monarchies are created by birthrights, and are not actually merit based. Still, even in recent years, when there has been quite a lot of scandal surrounding the British monarchy, a large majority of people in the United Kingdom support keeping the monarchy in place, and they take pride in its long, stable tradition. Many British citizens believe that their royalty brings a lot of interest and tourism to their country, and that it unites the people in their shared heritage. In all fairness, I can’t go grocery shopping here in Florida, without seeing pictures of some members of the British monarchy on our magazines, at any time that I am there. It’s safe to say that the fascination with British royals is a worldly thing.

I think that a vast majority of all of us people, like our traditions and our pomp and circumstance. We like the feeling of unity and pride and meaning, with the recognition of our shared rituals. Any decent comedian could rip apart any of our celebratory ceremonies for their apparent silliness, and unnecessary steps, and regulations, and uniforms, and accoutrements. Having just gone through my daughter’s high school graduation ceremony with the mortarboards and the robes, I am sure that if I were an alien visiting from outer space, I might quizzically consider this societal custom, with perhaps even a giggle. And of course, when observing other country’s and other cultures’ traditions and ceremonies, these events often seem so foreign and unfathomable to any of us who are used to thinking that our own traditions and celebrations are what is “correct.” If we are honest and aware, a lot of our current ceremonies and traditions and rituals, whether they be religious, or of the military, or educational, or governmental, could easily be poked fun at by any person with sound thinking abilities. In fact, many of our traditions have been changed throughout history (even in our own lifetimes), due to the realization of the impracticalities and absurdities and even dangers of any particular custom or tradition.

My thoughts on customs and traditions and rituals, is this: Be conscious of what you are doing. If this tradition brings you pride, happiness, positivity, connection, enjoyment, contentment, and it doesn’t hurt or harm anyone else, then it is a good custom for you, and for your loved ones to enjoy together. Who cares if it seems silly or extravagant or outdated or pointless to others? If it is beautiful and meaningful to you, and to others, then it is a lovely creation, worth holding on to and sharing, in your life’s experience. If this custom, tradition, or ritual is harmful and used for control and manipulation and entitlement, that brings harm to others, then be honest with yourself, is this tradition one that you want to continue celebrating in your life? Is this tradition meaningful to you, or is this something that you have been unconsciously doing, by just going through the motions due to the expectations of others, or out of an irrational fear that has been imposed upon you?

When anything is considered in life, it always comes down to the same thing, doesn’t it? Awareness. Notice what is, and contemplate what is, and decide if you want to be part of what is, or if you want to change what is for the better. And at the same time, allow this same courtesy to others, even if their traditions are different than yours.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.