I had lunch yesterday with two people who I share history with and who I care about, and I felt the need to reach out to them. They both were in a very acute state of grief, as someone whom they loved with all of their hearts, had passed on recently. I admittedly was very nervous prior to the lunch. I wanted to be there for them, and I wanted to give my condolences face-to-face, but I was also fearful, anticipating what this lunch could look like. Would there be tears? Yes, there were tears, of course. And it felt healing, cleansing and real for all of us. Would there be laughter? Yes, shared memories and fond recollections often bring on laughter. Yes, there was laughter – laughter without shame. And it felt healing, cleansing and real for all of us. Would I say some stupid, thoughtless things that I wish I could push back into my mouth, the minute that they were said? Yes, I always do that. I’m a curious person with a dubious filter. But surprisingly, my honest, earnest questioning was met with thoughtful answers and gratefulness for a space to talk and to process what had happened. People sense where your heart is, even when the words don’t quite seem to match.
When I was in college, one of my dear friends and roommates lost her mother to cancer. I remember her saying that after the funeral and being surrounded by all of the love and support that she received during those acute first days of her loss, it was then, shattering to have everyone just “disappear.” My loved ones expressed the same sentiment yesterday. It’s not that people don’t care and it’s not that the people who are suffering a loss, even in their deepest troughs of grief, don’t understand that life must go on. It’s just that sometimes other people seem to go out of their way to avoid grieving people, mistakenly believing that the grieving people don’t want to talk or don’t need to express their feelings. Sometimes people avoid grieving people in fear that they may trigger raw emotions in the people suffering the loss. Sometimes people are afraid of saying “the wrong thing”, but saying nothing, or avoiding grievers, is far worse than accidentally saying the “wrong thing”, according to those who are grieving a loved one. Keeping the loved one’s memory alive is the most important thing to someone missing someone they loved with every inch of their hearts and of their souls. They want to be able to share all of those memories, because those memories are now all that they have left of their precious loved one.
People let you know what they need from you, especially when they are emotional. My daughter felt like her first day of try-outs for the tennis team at her school went terribly the other day, and when I picked her up, she got into the car and cried angrily for 15 minutes. Any time that I tried to interject with questions or positive affirmations, she stormily made it clear that she did NOT want to talk, in that moment. I understood. I backed off and later, she did want some comfort and she was up to answering my questions. My daughter did not hold it against me that I tried to be there for her from the “get go”, though. She knew that my heart was in the right place and later, she told me that she was grateful.
It’s brave to be there for people, whose emotions lie just under the surface, like a stormy, unpredictable current just waiting to flow and to burst through a dam of pent-up frustration and pain. I think sometimes we fear honest, real, raw emotion in others because then we have to own up to our own currents and frustrated dams that were never given enough release. But when the dams are released, the feeling of relief and the calm that soothes us right afterward, is just so healing for everyone involved in the process. The connection and understanding and empathy is enough to help each other transition through the process and stages of grieving. So when in doubt, reach out. You are strong enough to experience a person in pain and they are grateful enough to experience a person who is not totally comfortable with what to do or with what to say. It’s our hearts that connect in moments like these, and that is all of the connection that really matters. This connection helps our collective currents to then flow freely and calmly down the river of our Lives.