Tag: loss

Cycles

When endings come in life either through death, or divorce, or moving to a new house, or changing jobs, or children growing up, I’ve come to understand how complicated the grief of this situation can be. When endings come, you don’t just grieve the loss of the person, or the loss of the place, or the loss of the thing, you also grieve the loss of yourself that has identified strongly with that person, or that place or that thing, or that function, or that title. Even though we are human beings, there is a huge part of us who identifies ourselves by what we do, and we label ourselves accordingly. For me, I have many labels: I am a wife, mother, daughter, sister, niece, cousin, in-law, friend, homemaker, writer/blogger, American, Florida resident, JMU graduate, UF parent, Pittsburgh native, avid reader, dog owner, animal lover, boater, walker, mentor, deep thinker, adventurer, brown-eyed girl . . . . The point that I am making is that any of these labels that I identify myself as, can change (and have changed over the years) through death, moves, job changes, health changes, relationship changes, aging, world events (hello, 9/11 and the pandemic) etc. So when we are having a hard time letting go of someone, something, or some place, a lot of that difficulty of letting go, is the letting go of that function, or that label that connects us to the person, the place, the pet, the job, the house, the title etc. In order to let go, it feels like we almost have to cut off a piece of our own selves, that is still clinging to make this part of our lives, an ongoing part of our present circumstances. We have a hard time surrendering this person, place, or function, or thing, to our past, because we still desperately want it to be part of our present. We aren’t ready to sever that part of ourselves.

With the ailing of our extended family member, I’ve been reflecting a lot on grief and why it is so hard and unique to each individual. A lot of how hard you grieve someone or something, is how much you sunk your whole self into a relationship or a situation. When endings come around, you have to face that the definition of whatever you are grieving – the relationship, the place, the role, is soon coming to a close. There is no going back and changing it and making it different anymore. It is what it is, becomes the final statement. And so when you are packing up your things from your desk, or when you are turning in your keys, or you are signing your divorce papers, or you are attending a graduation, or a retirement party, or a funeral, you are giving away a little chunk of yourself. You are closing out a chapter on YOU. And that is so incredibly hard.

There are so many endings in life. Life is cyclic in nature. Summer is soon coming to a close. Many people have already experienced their long anticipated summer vacations. And there is grief in these facts, for many people. But as the saying goes, for every ending, there is a new beginning. I can’t wait for the cooler weather of fall and even the overload of pumpkin spice everything. I hate saying good-bye to anything or anyone important to me, but I also love anticipating fresh, new hellos to what’s next in my life, and the new pieces of myself that these new, fresh hellos will reveal to me.

“There is no real ending. It’s just the place where you stop the story.” – Frank Herbert

Strikes Me

Art by Maya Fidavi

This was artwork posted on Twitter this morning. It struck me. I had to pause on it. I love it. Do you know what I do when I find artwork like this, when I am scrolling on Twitter? I print it out. I paste these pictures that wow me, into my journals, on my calendar, in various notebooks, so that in times that I just need the pick-me-up of visual candy that is just my taste, I have it right in front of me, to peruse and to enjoy. Artists are so generous to freely share their beautiful works. Sometimes I look for ways to buy or to support their work, whenever I can, because they make my world a more special place. Creative people make us look at the ordinary, in extraordinary ways. And oftentimes they do it for free. They do it because they love to do it and they are compelled to do it because they are deeply connected to their truest selves. And that’s why we feel so moved by their creations. It comes from an otherworldly, eternal place which we sometimes forget about its existence. Artists are the reminders of the beauty surrounding us, and the beauty within us.

And Think Smarter posted this great reminder on Twitter:

We are taking our youngest child of four to college on Friday, as she opted to start in the summer for a lot of good reasons. My emotions this week are Hurricane Mama. But I keep reminding myself that is because I have experienced so much love, and so much pride, and a load of growth, and constant wonder raising this family whom I love more than life itself.

What Think Smarter didn’t say, in this particular post, is that “The price of safety and comfort, is banality, and dullness, and having to live with the “what ifs” and the “I wonders.” Always live fully. Always live life to the fullest. It’s worth the risks and the losses. It is.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Selfish

“When they say, “Be yourself,” which self do they mean? Certainly not the self that wants to win every game and use up every resource and think of nobody’s needs except your own.

So when they say, “Be yourself,” which self are they referring to? Here’s what I think: It’s the self that says “Thank you!” to the wild irises and the windy rain and the people who grow your food. It’s the creator who’s working to make the whole universe your home and sanctuary. It’s the lover who longs to express your love of life everywhere you go.” – Rob Brezsny

I love that quote by Rob Brezsny. I guess that when we say “Be yourself”, to ourselves and to others, what we are really meaning is, “Be your Highest Self.” (and I am not referring to any substance use here 😉 ) When Rob talks about someone who “think(s) of nobody’s needs except your own,” it’s so easy to curl up our lips in disgust and think, “selfish, selfish, selfish”, because we are thinking about this in the context of sharing food, and resources, and medicine, and volunteer time, etc. But there are other tricky times when we think that we are being loving and altruistic, when really, what we are more focused on, is our own needs and comforts, and we put that heavy burden on to others. I am talking about emotional selfishness.

I think that most of us would say that our biggest treasures in life are our families and our friends. We can’t bear the idea of losing those whom we love. We want nothing more than their happiness and their peace of mind. Most of us, by middle age, have suffered losses of people whom we love dearly, and we become extremely fearful of having to go through that depressing, painful experience again. So sadly, sometimes we project those fears of loss on to the people whom we love the most, in the guise of needing them to be happy and content and healthy, all of the time, for our own comfort and relief and security. Now these people love us deeply, too, so they want us to be happy and comfortable and fearless, so they feel the need to protect us from our own fears. And so these people pretend that they are always happy and content and fearless, so that we won’t worry about them. You can see what a vicious, ugly cycle this becomes. And when we aren’t being real and authentic with each other, the relationship becomes distant and false. We become isolated from each other, in the very relationships that mean the most to us. In a sense, we lose the real relationship, even with people who are still alive and with us. Our fears become self-fulfilling prophecies.

Worry does not equal love. Putting on a false front does not equal intimacy. It’s okay, not to be okay, all of the time. Unconditional love recognizes that fact. Unconditional love can hold space for anything – the good, the bad, and the ugly. Do you think that our Creator worries about us? Do you think that our Creator needs any of us to be anything different than what we are, right in this moment? I don’t. I believe that we are loved by our Creator in whatever mood we are in. I believe that we are loved by our Creator no matter what we have done, how we have felt, and what we will do and feel, forevermore. Our Creator doesn’t worry about us. Our Creator doesn’t need us to be anything other that what we are right in this moment. Soak that in. Our Creator holds space for us, always. Our Creator is within us. Our Creator is our Highest Self. We have the capability within us, to hold space, and to unconditionally love ourselves and all others. And when we are in that state of pure and unconditional love, we are fearless. Love is fearless. We are loved. We are Love.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Never Lose Hope

In light of all of the painful world’s events that have occurred in just this short time, I think that this wisdom from the Dalai Lama is so correct:

“There is a saying in Tibetan, ‘Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.’
No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that’s our real disaster.” 
― Dalai Lama XIV

I hope that you have a reflective, restful day off (if you are fortunate enough to have this Labor Day off) and enter into another fall season, refreshed and hopeful. Over the weekend, a dear friend of mine’s son, tragically lost one of his dearest friends. I wrote to him that every friendship that I have ever had, whether long or short, has affected my life and in essence, has become a part of, and helped to form, who I am, at my very core. So, in essence, those friendships will be with me forever. In that same sense, every tragedy and every triumph that we experience in our lifetimes, also becomes a part of who we are and helps to form us, and to grow us, individually and collectively. Thus, nothing is for naught.