Tag: kindness

The Much Needed Thread

I’ve been a little down the last couple of weeks. I was involved in a fender bender that seems to be taking on a life of its own, I’m feeling a lot of bittersweetness with all of the endings my youngest child is experiencing at the end of her senior year of high school, and there have been some dark and sad events occurring in our extended family. In short, my normal, everyday cheerfulness has felt a little more forced than it usually does. I’ve even gotten a little cynical, wondering if people are even kind anymore. But then, the Universe worked its magic (as it always does, look for the messages – they are always there):

This morning, after quickly scanning the news headlines, which helped to create an even sicker pit in my stomach, I started scrolling through Twitter and I happened upon a Tweet where a woman remembered and recounted a kindness that had happened to her on the NYC subway. It was late at night, she had just gotten on to the train, realizing that in her haste, she had dropped her keys which were connected to her wallet. A stranger, seeing this happen, quickly grabbed the keys and the wallet and hurled them on to the train, which landed right next to her, just as the doors to the subway were closing. She said that she thinks of this stranger and his quick thinking/acting and kindness often. This post has started an amazing thread that you can check out at the Tweeter’s Twitter handle (@amandamull). Amanda posted her story less than a day ago and already it has over 1000 comments, connected to it, telling similar stories of wonderful kindnesses strangers had done for other people. People talked about people going out of their way to return wallets, men who protected vulnerable young women, people going out of their way to show people directions, while being lost in foreign countries, people helping pregnant women stay steady, people paying for things or giving things away with smiles on their faces, people helping turtles flip over and cross busy roads, etc. One story that really brought a lump in my throat, was of a woman who had just found out that her three-year old child was diagnosed with leukemia. She was sitting on a bench outside of a concert hall crying. A teenager, who was attending the concert, saw her crying, and sat down on the bench with her, and for at least 10 minutes, cried with her. What I gleaned from this thread, is that it doesn’t take much to make a difference in a person’s life – a difference that they never forget. One man, David Lyall, wrote this:

“I grew up in NYC. One day I was walking to school, maybe I was 12, my Dad had died a couple of years before, life was dark and I was depressed, and I looked over my shoulder and saw a young woman smiling an encouraging smile at me from the back of a bus.”

A smile, friends. A smile. How easy it is to give away a smile, and yet how much it can mean to someone! A smile.

Deep into this wonderful Twitter thread, I saw this exchange:

“nothing gets you high like an anonymous act of kindness

Giving and getting”

The people who were recounting their stories were not just on the receiving end of benevolence. People proudly wrote about kind and generous deeds that they had done for others. This reminded me of the time that I’ll never forget, when my late father-in-law framed a thank you letter that he had received from a stranded young woman, whose car tire, he had stopped and changed. He was so proud of his act and the beautiful note which she had written to him. He sheepishly said, “See, I’m not such a bad guy.”

When you go to read this growing thread on Twitter, I’ll forewarn you that there are a few stories of ungratefulness and haughtiness and nastiness, but overwhelmingly, the stories being told and remembered and recounted, are feel-good stories, the kind of stories that make you want to live by the mantra, “Be the reason someone believes in good people.”

I have to say that reading these stories made me remember countless kindnesses shown to me along the way, as well as many times which I can proudly boast of me or one of my family members doing benevolent acts for others. Right now, I am filled with more positive, loving energy than I have felt in weeks. It’s a wonderful feeling.

Luke Bryan: I Believe Most People are Good | Country music quotes, Luke bryan quotes lyrics, Country song quotes

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Thank You, Thank You!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Happy Thanksgiving! I am incredibly grateful for this blog and I am so thankful for each of you, my faithful readers. A blog without readers is just a personal journal, and I already have a few of those. To feel a responsibility and a desire to write this blog every single morning, has been a Godsend for me. This has been particularly evident to me in the last few months, with my son’s epileptic seizures flaring up. They say that the person who saves you, is always you. If that’s the case, then the deepest part of me, who has the inclination to spill out my soul on this blog, is what saved me this fall. Thank you for being there to help me to sort out all of the pieces of my fragile heart during these last few months. Things are definitely looking up. We are making it to the other side of our family’s most frightening experience, and I feel you holding my hand through it all. Thank you for your interest, your kindness, your caring, your attention and your loyalty. I am immensely thankful for you, my readers. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

One of the more popular posts which I have ever written on my blog is trending again. This is the right time for it. Happy Thanksgiving. Here is the post:

Thank Yourself

Night Seasons

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

There’s a few good things that are interesting to note, when you are going through one of your “night seasons”, as my aunt calls it. First of all, it’s the numbness. My mom used to call this “God’s anesthesia”. Yesterday, after my son’s seizure, while I had a few periods of crying jags and deep sadness, mostly, I was numb. I felt mostly calm and numb, and this was not caused by any kind of chemical outside of my body. When you go through a trauma, usually your merciful body numbs you right up, so that you can handle whatever you need to do. I think that this is a really nice standard feature of our bodies. I deeply appreciate the initial numbness.

Another thing that your night seasons show you, is that there are so many people who love you and who you can lean on. When you have several people in your life who you can call and/or you can text, and you can feel their deep care and empathy, it means the world. I think that I have friends of every religion praying for us right now, and this feels so great. Yesterday, one of my friends told me that her entire Baptist Church’s prayer warriors were “on it”, and another one of my more “new age” friends told me that she believes that people with epilepsy are getting downloads from God which the rest of us just can’t handle. She told me that my son is probably one of the most enlightened people on Earth. I don’t know if this is true, but all of the prayers and the insights brought me comfort. All of them did. God has many channels. Don’t ever be afraid of saying “the wrong thing” to someone who is hurting. I can always tell true care, over indifferent judgment and arrogance, and that’s never in the words being said. Ignorance being delivered with love, can be cleansed down to just the “love” part. Always err on the side of reaching out. I appreciate all of the love and the prayers from everyone, including my beloved readers of this blog. It sustains me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

The final insight about your night seasons, is that you get the reminder that people are mostly kind. Most people don’t want to witness other people’s pain. We had so much kindness bestowed on us yesterday, by perfect strangers, as we often do, when my son has a seizure in public. People want to help. People want to show you that they care. It’s traumatizing to witness a seizure, but people seem to overcome their fears, to act with deep concern and warmth and tenderness. Did I ever mention that EMT people are some of my favorite people on this Earth? They always make my son feel so good, and just like he is one of the “regular guys.” Yesterday, the EMTs got a good laugh with my son, when they reminded him that when my son was first coming out of his seizure, and they asked him who is president, in his hazy confusion, he said, “Lamar Jackson” (who is the quarterback for the Ravens). They all, including my son, got a big giggle out of that one. The EMTs made my son feel like he is a real stud (because he’s a big gym rat, who also attends a prestigious university), just when my son needed it most. These simple, empathic kindnesses are noticed by me, always. Always.

When you are in your night seasons, numbness, your own spirituality (and a big helping of others’ spirituality), and the overall kindness of strangers is what gets you through to the sunshine right around the bend. God has many channels. Yourself, your loved ones, and often perfect strangers, are the passageways, which God uses to get you safely to where the sun rises again. We are in good hands – our own hands, the loving hands of our friends and family, and the kind, empathic hands of strangers, which all come together to form the biggest hands of all. And these Big Hands are firmly and securely holding all of us with Love. This I know.

How Do You Like Them Apples?

Yesterday, in reading about the winners of the Grammy awards, I ended up focusing on Fiona Apple. I probably spent a good hour of my day, reading various articles about Fiona, her music and her history. On this past Sunday, Fiona Apple won a Grammy award for Best Alternative Music Album (Fetch the Bolt Cutters) and Best Rock Performance (Shameika). She didn’t attend the Grammy Awards Show this year and she explained why, on her Instagram:

“It’s really because I don’t want to be on national television. I’m not made for that kind of stuff. I want to stay sober and I can’t do that sober.”

I have mad respect for that kind of honesty. I read that Fiona Apple once cancelled part of one of her tours, in order to be with her dying dog. She wrote a very loving and eloquent letter to her fans explaining her decision. Fiona Apple has been derided over the years for her blunt honesty, and for not going along with the showbiz game. If I were to focus on one area of the creative arts, which I imagine might be one of the toughest balancing acts, it would probably be for those geniuses in the musical arts. Many musicians are sensitive, empathic poets. Kurt Cobain comes to mind. Bob Dylan actually won a Nobel Prize for literature. “He can be read and should be read, and is a great poet in the English tradition.” (Sara Danius, Swedish Academy) Most musicians are compelled to write their lyrics and their music by uncontrollable forces from deep inside; forces perhaps not even their own. Many musicians love to perform their creations for massive crowds, but not everyone does. I was struck by this quote the other day:

“Writing is something you do alone. It’s a profession for introverts who want to tell you a story, but don’t want to make eye contact while doing it.” – John Green

Talented and discovered musical writers and performers, don’t have that choice of staying semi-anonymous, unlike perhaps writers and sculptors and painters. And because so many people crave the popularity and fortune of famous musicians, those who already have that respect and admiration, are considered ungrateful, and rude, and sometimes even “crazy”, if they do things to stay out of the limelight. Fiona once asked her manager if she cut off the tip of one of her fingers, would that get her out of touring? She was told that all she needed was a note from a psychiatrist.

Whatever you think of her personality, or of her unusual, edgy style of music, to me, Fiona Apple is a genius when it comes to lyrics. I imagine that this is the case because she is so completely unafraid of bare, authentic, brutal truths about herself, and of her experiences. Comedic geniuses do this calling out of the brutal truths of life, all of the time, but comedians hide this fact under veils of light-hearted laughter. People like Fiona, who do the baring of the soul, in a serious, somber tone, are often mistaken for “fragile”, yet really, which method is more brave? Facing the truth about anything, and bringing it into the light, is probably one of the most courageous things a person can do in life, no matter what style they do it. Saying the pure truth is rare, because it is brutally hard to do, even saying the truth to ourselves.

These are the lyrics of the award winning song “Shameika”:

I used to walk down the streets on my way to school
Grinding my teeth to a rhythm invisible
I used my feet to crush dead leaves like they had fallen from trees
Just for me
Just to be crash cymbals

In class I’d pass the time
Drawing a slash for every time the second hand went by
A group of five
Done twelve times was a minute

But Shameika said I had potential
Shameika said I had potential
Shameika said I had potential
Shameika said I had potential

I used to march down the windy, windy sidewalks
Slapping my leg with a riding crop
Thinking it made me come off so tough
I didn’t smile, because a smile always seemed rehearsed
I wasn’t afraid of the bullies
And that just made the bullies worse

In class I’d pass the time
Drawing a slash for every time the second hand went by
A group of five
Done twelve times was a minute


But Shameika said I had potential
Shameika said I had potential
Shameika said I had potential
Shameika said I had potential

Hurricane Gloria in excelsis deo, that’s my bird in my tree
My dog and my man and my music is my holy trinity
Hurricane Gloria in excelsis deo, that’s my bird in my tree
My dog and my man and my music is my holy trinity

Tony told me he’d describe me as pissed off, funny and warm
Sebastian said, I’m “a good man in a storm”
Back then I didn’t know what potential meant and
Shameika wasn’t gentle and she wasn’t my friend
But she got through to me and I’ll never see her again
She got through to me and I’ll never see her again
I’m pissed off, funny and warm
I’m a good man in a storm
And when the fall is torrential, I’ll recall

Shameika said I had potential
Shameika said I had potential
Shameika said I had potential
Shameika said I had potential

Tony told me he’d describe me as pissed off, funny and warm
Sebastian said, I’m “a good man in a storm”
Back then I didn’t know what potential meant but
Shameika wasn’t gentle and she wasn’t my friend
But she got through to me and I’ll never see her again
She got through to me and I’ll never see her again
I’m pissed off, funny and warm
I’m a good man in a storm
And when the fall is torrential, I’ll recall

Shameika said I had potential
Shameika said I had potential
Shameika said I had potential
Shameika said I had potential
Shameika said I had potential
Shameika said I had potential
Shameika said I had potential

The lyrics tell the story of how important words are to people. Words that encourage, words that notice, words that inspire, are often what keep people going. Sincere words often have the ability to coax out of others, their talents, their gifts, their joys – all which were meant to be shared with this world, making the world a more beautiful place than it ever was before.

Part of the reason why I write this blog is because a previous boss of mine called me “a wordsmith”, and an old neighbor told me she actually looked forward to my emails because she liked how I wrote them, and one of my dearest friends sent me a text one day, telling me that someday I was going to be someone’s favorite author. I have never forgotten these glimmers of inspiration, kindness and direction. I probably never will.

Who in your life has great potential? Who in your life needs to hear it? Who needs to hear they are “a good man in the storm”? Who needs to be told that their unique blend of “pissed off, funny and warm”, lights up your day? We all have been blessed with the “Shameikas” in our lives. And the beautiful thing is that our “Shameikas” probably don’t even know the major difference they have made in our lives and in our actions, by telling us that they “believe in us.” We all have probably also been unwitting “Shameikas” in many other people’s lives. Doesn’t that feel good? I really believe that the Universe mostly uses all of us as “Shameikas” (maybe like angels on Earth) to speak the whispers and the reminders of our life’s purposes and our own joys to us. The Universe can be subtle like that. Isn’t it a beautiful process to be part of, co-creating this beautiful experience we call Life, by supporting and seeing and noticing and admiring and commenting on with gratefulness, all what each of us brings to the Table? No gift should ever go unnoticed. And there are abundant gifts, everywhere, all of the time, from everyone and everything. Let’s speak to them, let’s call the gifts out, and let’s make them shine. Let’s be “Shameika”.

Are you passing on love, or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Monday- Funday

Image

Hi friends! Don’t be offended. It’s Monday-Funday. I honestly love seeing kids in the neighborhood, and there isn’t snow in these parts where I live, but I couldn’t help but laugh at this meme. I grew up in Pennsylvania where there was plenty of snow. Our bus stop was at the corner lot and we would all gather on the neighbor’s tiny front porch to stay warm until the bus came. Every early morning during the winter, we would all be huddled up on those sweet people’s front porch, until one of us would dare to leave the porch and start a snowball fight. And they never said a peep about it. These neighbors were older. They didn’t have young children. I don’t even know if I knew their names, but here I am writing about their kindness, over forty years later. Kindness counts. Have a great day!

Kindness

I was all set out to write about something else this morning, when my son texted me that former neighbors of ours, were recent victims of a murder/suicide. The husband shot his wife and then himself. By all accounts, this couple and their adult children, were happy, and full of life and love. If you look at their social media accounts, you would assume that they were leading a perfectly wonderful life. I think that in these difficult times, in particular, the old adage of “You never know what goes on behind closed doors,” applies more than ever. I also read something this morning that said that a real, truly happy smile is seen in the eyes. Let’s make a point of really looking into people’s eyes, these days. The masks make it easier for us to do this. We all have the ability to be kind. If ever there was a time in the world that needed showers and showers of kindness, this is the time.

Kindness - Lessons - Tes Teach

Earrings from God

Friends have asked me how I decide what I am going to write about every day.  Sometimes ideas swirl around in my head for a while.  Sometimes I sit down to write about something and for some reason, my blog becomes about something all together different than what I had planned to write about that morning.  I keep journals, and notebooks, and bookmarked pages of books that I like.  I write mostly from my experiences, all 47 years of them. When I think of something interesting to write about, I jot down the idea in a notebook.  Sometimes I have an idea of what I am going to write about and then a life experience happens that tells me that this experience is what I really need to write about.  Yesterday afternoon I had one of those experiences.

I go to my local grocery store a lot.  I have a big family.  When all of our kids were still at home and three of them were teen-aged boys, my grocery store was my “home away from home.”  Our grocery bill was right under the cost of our mortgage payment every month.  So yesterday, I was at my grocery store AGAIN and I got to chatting with the cashier.  She had on a beautiful pair of earrings.  They looked exotic.  They were dangles.  The earrings that she wore were discs with an intricate silver and dark blue design.  They were truly lovely.  I told the cashier how much I liked them.  She said, “Thank you.  A customer gave them to me.”

Now at this point, I got introspective.  I started thinking about the fact that I, myself, hadn’t ever really given anything to a cashier who waited on me, except maybe a smile.  I think that there was one time when I had already opened a bag of M&Ms in the store and my cashier mentioned that she had been on a double shift and had not eaten any lunch, so I told her to hold out her hand for some of my M&Ms.  That has been the extent of my giving to any store personnel waiting on me, so I admit that I was amazed and curious.  Luckily, she continued with the story.

“I complimented my customer’s earrings and my customer mentioned that she had gotten them on a special trip to Jordan.  When I was finished with the transaction, my customer removed her earrings quickly and clasped them into my hand.  She said that someone had blessed her that day and that it was her turn to pay it forward,” is how the cashier explained it to me.  The cashier then said that she was so shocked and so surprised that she really didn’t have much time to thank the lady who was already well on her way out of the store.  The cashier then went on to tell me that when she tells that story to the many people who have complimented her earrings, they have jokingly suggested that she should pass on the earrings to them as a blessing.  At that point, I told my cashier, “I LOVE, LOVE those earrings!!”

She knew that I was kidding and we laughed together.  I told her (while I was admittedly a little touched and misty) that the gift that she is passing on, is the telling of that wonderful, inspiring, warmhearted story.  I told her that I think that this is the way that the Universe works, using “angels on Earth.”  She said that the earrings came at a time that she had been kind of downhearted and really needed to be lifted up and that she saw them as a gift sent to her by God.  The cashier told me that she wears those earrings almost every single day.

People are mostly good.  There are small miracles happening around us every day if we make the point of looking around for them.  We have the capacity to be other people’s “angels on Earth” if we ask to be lead.  We all have these special stories that have happened to us just at the moment that we needed them to happen.  I’m so grateful for the reminder that I got of all of that goodness that surrounds us, just from my simple, routine stop for a gallon of milk at my local grocery store.

Insert Hand Over Mouth

“Before you say it,  Is it true?  Is it kind?  Is it necessary?” – Bernard Meltzer

I used to espouse the above quotation to my children so much that my youngest son took it and ran with it.  He said it so much and so loudly in school, that his second grade teacher made a giant poster board of those three questions and credited it to my son.   For the record, my son is not Bernard Meltzer.

In all fairness, this was more of a “do as I say, not as I do” teaching.  It is something to strive for every day, but I admittedly fall short.  I have a tendency to be blunt.  I also have a tendency to blame my bluntness on the fact that I’m a Sagittarius.  (As if a pseudoscience based on the alignment of planets excuses me for being an ass, but hell, taking accountability is a work in progress, too.)

We’ve all heard the saying that we have two ears and one mouth for a reason, but in a loud world filled with so much information, it sometimes feels like we need to shout to be heard.  And quickly.  The trick is to stop and to think and to ponder before shouting, I guess.  There is a Latin saying that when translated goes something like this, “Truth speaks for itself, if we let it speak.”

I have learned from experts that there are 5 simple rules for good communication. The first rule is to be in a place of empathy and compassion.  The second rule is to stay calm and try not to speak from an angry place.  The third rule is to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements to avoid blaming and shaming.  The 4th rule is to ask questions instead of lecturing.  “How do you think this situation makes me feel?” is a good question to ask another person for getting them to see things from your perspective. And the 5th rule is to make an agreement about things going forward and to forgive the past.  Of course, these rules work best if you are superhuman, or the emotionless Mr. Spock or the incredibly kind Dalai Lama, but nevertheless, they are something to strive for in our every day relationships.

There is a neat tee shirt company called Om + Ah London.  One of their best selling tees says this:  Be the reason someone believes in the goodness of people.  I imagine that being a thoughtful communicator would go a long way in achieving this goal.  The quote is certainly a worthwhile goal to strive for and possibly might be worth putting on a giant poster board right beside my desk.