Tag: guilt

Gift Ideas

I think what I have been most jealous about men, throughout my life, is that they don’t seem to worry nearly as much as we women do, about what other people think. I just finished watching a wonderful Oprah Insider video which featured an author and psychotherapist, Lori Gottlieb. She said this: “Guilt is not part of the X chromosome.” The audience of mostly women, laughed knowingly and appreciatively. Gottlieb’s point is that society has conditioned women to believe that other people’s feelings are our responsibility, and so we take on what is called “emotional load/labor” on top of all of the other caretaking duties that often end up disproportionately in our laps.

Interestingly though, because we women often believe that we are responsible for other people’s feelings, we tend to get really controlling about the narrative. We try to control what other people think about us, or about situations, instead of just accepting and allowing other people to think what they think, and to feel what they feel. In this regard, men tend to be better at “Live and let live.” Men don’t seem to get their self-worth from what other people think about them, nearly as much as we women do. Men get their self-worth from what they think about themselves, and my hunch is that they aren’t nearly as hard on themselves, as we women tend to be on ourselves.

I don’t mean to generalize. This is just a theme that has been playing out lately in my life, when talking to friends who are women, and with shows and podcasts I have listened to recently. Perhaps a beautiful holiday gift we could give to ourselves, is to stop worrying so much about what other people think, and put all of that energy back into what we think is best for ourselves. And at the same time, a beautiful holiday gift that we could give to others, is the acceptance that they are free to think what they think, and to feel what they feel, without interference from our desperate need to control the narrative.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Museday-Tuesday

+ The sun’s light looks a little different on this wall than it does on that wall, and a lot different on this other one, but it’s still one light. We have borrowed these clothes, these time and place personalities, from a light, and when we praise, we’re pouring them back in.
– Rumi

This week, instead of looking for things to criticize and to critique, let’s look for what’s to praise. Let’s pour the light back in, this week. When we pour light into something, we illuminate it. And illumination helps us to truly see the full scope of everything, and to understand.

 + Speaking of “different”, a spotless baby giraffe was born at a Tennessee zoo recently. She’s spotless! She’s not albino, she’s all brown. This baby giraffe is believed to be the only spotless giraffe alive in the world today. The zoo is holding a naming contest for her:

“the naming contest list to four choices: Kipekee, which means unique; Firyali, which means unusual or extraordinary; Shakiri, which means “she is most beautiful”; and Jamella, which means “one of great beauty.”

Those aspects which each of us have, that make us unique to anyone else, is our own special brand of “kipekee/firyali/shakiri/jamella”. Show off your own “kfsj”. When you’re purely yourself, you’re spotless!

+ Do you remember when almost all writers had pen names? I decided this weekend that if I ever decide to use a pen name it’s going to be “Anole Dogsmile”. It came to me this weekend. It started when I had that uncomfortable feeling you get when someone is staring at you, and I finally noticed that what was staring at me was a tiny, little, newborn anole. He was sitting on the screen behind me, just holding his ground, and staring me down, and around that same time, I glanced at Ralphie, our Labrador retriever, and I had an epiphany that all three of our dogs’ lips naturally turn upwards. They are almost always smiling, and then I thought about it and I realized that most dogs have this same trait. Dogs not only smile with their tails, but they were born with natural perma-grins (much like dolphins). So if you ever pick up a book by “Anole Dogsmile”, that’s me.

+ I read an interesting expose by Donna Cunningham about the difference between two different kinds of “guilt.” One type of guilt is true guilt. This is the guilt that you were designed to feel when you have done something against your own moral code: such as steal, cheat, lie, etc. This type of guilt is used as a healthy course correction. You feel true guilt in order to get yourself back on track, and to perhaps even make amends to people you may have hurt. True guilt tends to dissipate quickly after you change your actions. The other kind of guilt, is more of an emotional manipulation/power play that is unfortunately a frequent transaction in our society. We use it, and others use it on us, to get people to do what we want them to do. This is not healthy, “true guilt.” This is an unhealthy, passive-aggressive/emotional power trip, which often leads to holding resentment. Resentment is as dangerous to our bodies as toxins and pollutants. Built up resentment makes you feel like your insides are being eaten up. When you are feeling the emotion of “guilt”, ask yourself, “What have I done wrong?” Disappointing someone for not doing what they want you to do, is not doing something wrong. Why are anybody else’s feelings/needs more important than yours? You should not do things out of FOG – fear/obligation/guilt (the unhealthy guilt) nor worry that if you don’t do what they want, you’ll be abandoned. You may sometimes choose to do things that you don’t necessarily want to do, with the awareness that you are making this choice, not out of FOG, but out of kindness and consideration. You haven’t given your power away when you make a conscious choice. What is the remedy to the unhealthy kind of guilt? (Cunningham defines unhealthy guilt like this: “Guilt is resentment turned inward . . . (it) is no more than secret resentment of unwanted obligation.) The remedy is essentially, to grow up. Own your own life and your own power. Be cognizant of your own needs and your responsibility to your own adult life, and for meeting your own needs. Learn to be comfortable with sometimes disappointing others, and be respectful of others’ right to say “no” to you (don’t just manipulatively “give to get”). Healthy, wholesome, true adult relationships are based on love and mutual respect for the other’s right to live their own lives as they see fit. A true relationship is not based on fear, obligation and guilt. A true, loving, healthy relationship is based on respect and autonomy and mutual affection and honesty. As Cunningham says, “Resentment alienates us from our fellow man. Guilt alienates us from ourselves.”

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

The Guilty

My husband and I just finished up the fourth season of “The Sinner.” It’s a great show. I highly recommend it. Without giving too much away, a character in this recent season tells the detective, Harry (who is the protagonist in all seasons of “The Sinner”) that his guilty feelings are coming from his ego. This perked my ears. When we feel guilt, we often like to believe that this guilt comes from the most holy part of our conscious, but this is not necessarily always the case. Appropriate guilt energizes us to make amends and to do better, but many of us walk around with quite a bit of unsubstantiated guilt, which isn’t doing anything for anyone. This kind of guilt veers dangerously into the territory of shame.

We love to say that “so and so” made me feel guilty. Yet, we all have heard and intellectualized the statement that no one can make us feel anything. Our feelings are ours to own. Our reactions to other’s actions, are all our reactions to deal with, and to explore. People can be manipulative and conniving and they can try to play on our emotions, but it is up to us to explore our emotions and reactions, in order to understand where these emotions and reactions are coming from. These emotions are all ours. It is up to us to decide whether pleasing or disappointing someone else is really our responsibility and further, are their reactions to our choices really our responsibility, either? Appropriate guilt is when you have done something morally wrong and against your code of character. Inappropriate guilt truly does come from an oversized ego that believes that it is responsible for all the happiness in the world. Inappropriate guilt keeps us feeling responsible for living for other people, making us believe that we must be who they want us to be, and do what they expect us to do, in order for them to be happy. Our ego says that we have the power to make other people happy, but the hard truth is, none of us are that powerful. Happiness is an inside job for each individual. People getting what they want may bring a temporary relief to them, and a temporary relief to our sense of “guilt and responsibility”, but in the end we all are in control of our own feelings which come from our thoughts and our perspectives on what is happening in our own lives.

Sometimes we think that feeling guilty makes us better people, but guilt is really a useless emotion if it doesn’t inspire us to make healthy changes in our lives. Wallowing around in guilt, doesn’t help us, nor anyone else. We think that carrying around guilt is a form of punishment for what we have done, but this carrying around guilt is not doing anything for anyone. This act is useless. And with this realization, it becomes interesting to explore the tie of ego to guilt. We must really think that we are big, important stuff if “we are guilty” for all of the pains in the world, or even for all of the pains in our small corner of the world. Ego loves to make us feel more important and significant than we really are, in the overall scheme of things.

Those of us who feel a lot of “guilt”, like to believe that we are good caring people who worry about everyone’s feelings. We like to believe that we are “good” people who feel connected to all of those around us. I remember the first “aha” moments, when my “saintly side” was figuring out that she was more tied to her outsized ego, than she would like to believe herself to be. I started to come to realize that I was personalizing others’ rude behavior towards me. I believed that others’ nastiness was all saved up for me, until I started noticing that most other people were also at the receiving end of these same damaged people’s mean and nasty and passive aggressive, underhanded behavior. In other words, their behavior wasn’t all about me. I wasn’t the center of the universe. Mean people’s meanness is about them. I’m not a special target.

So, in this same light of understanding, this kind of “aha moment” came back to me watching “The Sinner” the other night. Feeling guilty and responsible for other people’s happiness and their feelings, is much about my own ego. It makes me feel powerful to think that I am in control of how other people feel. Ewwww. Once again, reminder to self: I am not the all-powerful, center of the universe.

To distinguish between appropriate guilt and inappropriate guilt, ask yourself these questions: What have I done wrong? Is someone feeling disappointed truly my responsibility? What would I expect of others if the roles were reversed? Am I responsible or even capable to make anyone feel anything?

If you come to the conclusion that you have actually done something harmful and wrong, apologize, make amends where you can, accept the consequences to your actions, and let it go. Carrying around a big bag of guilt is not going to do anything helpful and positive for anyone. And if you realize that you are feeling inappropriate guilt, remind yourself to tame your ego. You are not the grand wizard of fixing everyone’s feelings. Simply put, you are not that powerful. Put the focus back where it should be, on the only person’s feelings and perspectives you have any control over: your own.

15 Guilt Quotes ideas | quotes, inspirational quotes, me quotes
21 Guilt Quotes, Inspirational Words of Wisdom

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Fodo

I just finished an excellent book called, Set Boundaries, Find Peace, by Nedra Glover Tawwab. Tawwab is a relationship therapist and the premise of her book is that almost all relationship issues (marital, family, friends, work, etc.) are related to our inabilities to create, and to enforce good boundaries for ourselves. Tawwab believes that the number one reason why people do not create and enforce personal boundaries, all stems from the fear of feeling “guilt.”

No one likes to feel “guilt”. It’s one of those negative emotions that feels like it is going to eat you alive. Guilt is one of those sickenly atrocious feelings that remind you of just how deep and unrelenting your feelings can be. Still, guilt is just a feeling, and if we don’t avoid our feelings, or deny our feelings, or ruminate in them, feelings pass, and often, fleetingly. When Tawwab suggests to one of her clients to place a boundary in a relationship, such as requiring people to call before showing up at their house, or to not call after 7 pm, she says that inevitably, her clients ask her how to place and how to enforce these boundaries without feeling “guilt.” Tawwab matter-of-factly tells them, “You will feel guilt. Do it anyway.” Tawwab then uses the analogy of the excitement we feel, the few days before we are going on a vacation. We still go about doing our daily duties, with the excitement still there, brimming in the background. “Excitement” is a feeling, just like “guilt” is a feeling, but we don’t have to let our feelings engulf us and/or put us in a frozen, catatonic state that stops us from living our lives.

Just like many other languages (other than English), have a lot of different words for “love”, I believe that we also need different words for “guilt.” Appropriate guilt is good. When we have done something, or we have said something, that goes against our own moral code (purposely, or even unintentionally), and this action has caused pain to ourselves and/or to others, the guilt that we feel helps to steer us on, to changing our behavior and to making amends. Feeling appropriate guilt is what separates most of us, from the few sociopathic and psychopathic people in our midsts. Feeling guilt is an appropriate response for having done something wrong. It is a natural navigational feeling to steer us back “on course”.

However, I think what we more commonly feel on a regular basis, is an inappropriate guilt, based on the erroneous idea that we are responsible for other people’s feelings and happiness. Even though the physical feelings are often identical, appropriate guilt is much different than what I am going to call, FODO (fear of disappointing others). Since the feelings are so similar in our bodies, when we are feeling “guilt”, the key question to ask ourselves is, “What did I do wrong?”

If I run a stop sign, and I cause a rear end collision, I will feel appropriate guilt. What did I do wrong? I ran a stop sign. (intentionally or unintentionally, I did it) I will apologize, I will give my insurance information, and I will take steps to be more careful when I am driving. The guilt will dissipate by me taking these actions. On the other hand, if my friend wants me to go out to eat with her, and I say no because I am tired, or I just don’t feel like it, or I would rather do something else, and she acts disappointed, I may feel those feelings that we tend to lump together under the heading of “guilt”. However, what I am really feeling, in this particular situation, is FODO (fear of disappointing others). What did I do wrong by saying “no” to my friend? Nothing. If she is feeling disappointed, that’s for her to work through. She has the right to feel disappointed or whatever feelings she feels, but her feelings are not my responsibility to change. And at the same token, it is not my friend’s responsibility to alleviate me of my feelings of “guilt” (FODO).

We don’t like to hurt the people whom we love. Honestly, we don’t like to hurt anyone in general. We fear disappointing others, because we fear losing them, or we fear being judged by them. But if the only way to keep a relationship with someone, is to constantly be doing things that don’t feel right for us, is this really a healthy relationship worth fostering in the long term? Is this really a healthy, authentic, growing, true relationship for either party involved?

Sometimes we do things that we aren’t completely excited about, out of our love for other people, and we do these things because it makes us happy to see them happy. When we choose to do these things, our motivation is primarily out of love, and not out of obligation, or to avoid feeling “guilt.” If I watch a football game with my husband, it may not be my first choice of things to do, but I enjoy being with him, and I like to participate in his interests sometimes. However, if I watched football games with him, all of the time, because I felt obligated to do it, for fear of losing my relationship with him, or to avoid some other negative consequence (such as him being angry or grumpy or aloof, etc.) than soon, my feelings would turn to resentment. The saying goes, “Choose guilt over resentment any time. Resentment is a slow burning soul killer.”

One of my wisest mentors once told me emphatically, “Never “should” on yourself.” Question every “should” that comes up in your mind. Is this “should” in your life something that you honestly believe, or is this “should” something that has been conditioned in you, or imposed upon you, by your family, or by your friends, or by society in general? It is a wise practice to take inventory of your own personal “shoulds” on a regular basis. Are you spending your holidays how you would like to spend them? Are you living where you would like to live? Do you belong to clubs and churches and activities and political parties and schools, that speak to your most intuitive self, and reflect your own personal interests and beliefs? Do you wear your hair in a style and a color that appeals to you? Do you wear clothes that appeal to you, and best reflect your true self? Do you keep work hours that feel right and fair to you? Does your work fulfill you in more than just a monetary sense? Are the people who you spend the most time with, your healthiest, most fulfilling relationships? Do you feel the need to hide parts of yourself, such as your sexuality, or your beliefs, or your hobbies, or your past, in fear of being judged or shamed? Do you go to restaurants, and see movies, and drive cars, and take trips, and read books that you like, or are your choices more a reflection on what “others would think”? Do you live an authentic life, or is your motivation primarily to impress or to please others (which, as we all know, is a futile, pointless endgame)? On the other hand, do you try to manipulate others with “shoulds” (and thus help to create fake, empty relationships filled with resentment and based on obligation), with the false, impossible idea that others are responsible for, and are somehow capable to create your own long term happiness, for you?

If a lot of your answers to these questions, made you realize just how much of your own life is being run by “shoulds” that ring false to you, or you realize that a lot of your life decisions are made, in order to avoid feeling FODO (fear of disappointing others), let this be your wake-up call. FODO won’t kill you. Resentment will. You are responsible for you. You are responsible for your feelings. You are responsible for your life. You are responsible for your own happiness. These rules apply to everyone else, too. Once we are adults, everyone is responsible for their own selves. We were each given an incredibly unique and rare set of circumstances in order to experience a life that no one else has ever lived, nor will ever live again. Do not cheat yourself nor swindle Creation, by not being true to your own aspirations and insights and goals and lessons. Do not let something as trifling as a passing feeling (FODO), stop you from living your life to its fullest, deepest, most meaningful experience. When you take responsibility for your own life and happiness by being true to yourself with all of your decisions, those who truly love you, could never be disappointed. To see you shine in your truest, healthiest, most authentic glory will be a gift of inspiration to others, to do the same thing for themselves. And when that happens, we are all so much better off for it.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.