Here is a new exhibit in the thought museum that I call, Adulting – Second Half: (Ladies, mothers, sisters, daughters, girlfriends, wives, boss ladies, this one is especially important for you to take your time with, and to ponder with open hearts and minds):
“If a problem isn’t yours to solve, to do so would be a robbery for the person who needs the accomplishment or the lesson.” – Holiday Mathis
Ooooof. Those of us who consider one of our superpowers as being “helpful”, don’t like to consider the idea that sometimes our “helping” could actually be labeled as “robbery.” We don’t like to think that sometimes what we consider to be helpful, might actually be something more like controlling, or enabling, or arrogant and presumptuous. In short, people who tend to “help” in a codependent manner need every bit as much help as the people whom they believe they are “helping.”
When we do other people’s work, we are stealing the pride and self confidence that they achieve from accomplishing the work on their own. When we swoop in and “fix” other people’s problems, we delay the lessons the Universe is trying to teach them. The irony of all of this is, most of us “helper” types can’t stand to be “helped.” We like to be lone wolves. We can do it all ourselves. Nobody can do it better than us. Don’t try to control us. (And then, if we are honest with ourselves, we sometimes then like to thrash our chests and to lament, “Who cares about me? Who’s “helping” me? I do everything for everybody else, and nobody cares about poor little me.” We rarely think to refocus some of our own “helpful” energy on to ourselves.)
Now help isn’t bad. It is kind and good and positive to support each other through this journey we call life. Life can be hard. We need each other. However, the key difference between “helping” and “enabling” is best explained by the Association of Intervention Specialists: “The key difference between helping and enabling someone is that helping supports positive change, while enabling mitigates the consequences of negative behavior without addressing the underlying issue.”
So, for example, if a friend who is in financial trouble, asks you to help them move to a cheaper apartment, it is helpful and kind for you to assist in that way. But if a friend who is in financial trouble, wants you to help them to continue to pay for expensive rent which is way beyond their means, that is enabling to do so.
True help lifts people up. It helps them to see that they are capable and able and resilient and strong. It supports their own ability to solve their own problems. True help is support that lasts. When we feel confused if we are helping someone, or instead, we may actually be enabling someone, it is always good to check our motivations for our “helping.” Are we trying to control the situation to settle our own fears and anxieties? Are we overly concerned with our image of being a “good” person and focused on what other people may think of us? Are we overly concerned with the outcome, so that if a person whom we are “helping” doesn’t respond to our “helping” in the way that we want them to, we seethe with resentment? Is “helping” someone causing problems and detriment in our own lives and health? If we answer “yes” to any of the questions above, we aren’t being helpful to anyone, ourselves included.
What do you think of the new exhibit? Is it a little bit of “shock art”? Do you recognize yourself in any of it? Are you a helper or a robber? If someone isn’t “helping” you in the way you think that they should help you, is it possible they are actually “helping” you more than you could ever know?
Another addition to this exhibit could be: “When you change perspective, everything changes.” – Jenny Colgan
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.