The Circle of Control

A few weeks back, I had a meltdown at dinner, expressing to my family how much I hated this pandemic happening. I was so sad that I was having to make strict rules about friends and outings. I expressed how much I hated the fact that my children wouldn’t be able to share in the fun ceremonies and events and milestones that their senior friends so much deserved, but would be missing out on. I shed tears about all of my daughter’s tennis events, written on the calendar, going by, getting crossed off the calendar, one by one, week after week. It killed me that my middle sons wouldn’t even get to say good-bye to their senior fraternity brothers, before these young men headed out on their own adult, professional lives. I wanted my husband to know how concerned I felt about him having the extra weight on his shoulders, by having to worry not only about our health and supporting our family, but for the ever mounting, stressful business issues happening, day in and day out, due to the coronavirus. I wanted my eldest son to feel the comfort of being with his family, instead of by himself, in his bachelor apartment, not making close physical contact with anybody, for weeks on end. I wanted to stop it all and I wanted to make it all just go away, for my family, for our friends, and quite honestly, for the whole entire world.

“Mom, we get it, the coronavirus is not your fault,” my youngest son said.

That statement stopped me in my tracks. It snapped me to attention. It gave me a lot of relief, and also, quite a bit of introspection. I guess that it made me realize how egocentric I can be, even in my caring for others. It made me realize how my control issues sometimes are disguised as “worry” and “concern.” If my own well-being is only present when the conditions outside of me are exactly what I think that they should be, then I will have to understand that my personal “well-being” will only be a sparse and fleeting feeling for me, for the rest of my life. The reality of what was really going on, during my meltdown at dinner that night, was my needing for everything to be ” just right” for everyone else whom I love and have concern for, in order for me to feel okay and alright with the world. That’s not fair to me, or to anybody else and frankly, it’s simply just not going to happen. Ever. Because when this pandemic passes, other issues will come around. That is the nature of life. Granted, the pandemic is a whammy, but sometimes it takes a big, ol’ slap in the face, to really get some introspection about your own coping skills and your own perceptions and about the overall way that you go about living your life and how you relate to others.

One of my dearest friends often refers to “the circle of control.” Here it is:

How the Circle of Control affects the Intellect's life?

The circle of control is a good tool to have in your back pocket. I think that it is a particularly helpful reminder, during especially high stress events, like now. I see a lot of “Petty Bettys” on our Nextdoor neighborhood social app. People are very, very concerned about other people’s actions and the funny thing is, that this concern spans a broad spectrum. People are calling the police about neighbors getting together, and yet the very next post on the app, is about getting a group of neighbors together to persuade our local politicians to open up more stores and beaches and venues, in our area. And both of these social media posts have dozens and dozens of responses full of righteous anger, judgment, and frustration that people aren’t thinking the exact same way about the pandemic and the issues surrounding the pandemic, as they are seeing it.

In my case, when I try to control things outside of me, it is to quell my own fears. If I can keep up my illusion of control, then I feel more secure. If the pandemic is MY fault, then I have the capacity to fix it. Silly me. Like my son said, “We get it. The coronavirus is NOT YOUR FAULT.” The coronavirus is not your fault either, friends. Only focus on what you can control (see the middle bullseye of the circle of control) and let the rest of everything, take care of itself. Feel the deep relief, knowing that only what you can control is your responsibility. Know that the laser-focused-in-on-the-bullseye responsibility for yourself and for your actions, is more than enough, for any one person to handle. And with that deeply resonating knowledge and wisdom about what is really your responsibility and what is really under your control, let out a big, slow, deep, calming, sigh of relief and just go about your day as peacefully as you can.

Fenced In Friday

Happy Friday! Happy Favorite Things Friday! New readers, I typically list about three favorite shows, jewelry items, make-up, websites, songs, etc. on Fridays and I love it when you add your favorites to my Comments. Please see previous Friday posts for more favorites to explore. The above picture is one of my new favorites! My youngest son was fooling around with learning Adobe Illustrator and he surprised me with a new “logo” for my blog-o. He told me that he looked for a good picture of a bird firmly kicking her baby out of the nest, traced it, and went from there. I love my spontaneous, thoughtful gift from my funny, creative blue-eyed baby.

Honestly, I would be lying if I said that I wasn’t enjoying anything about this quarantine. The gift of more family time, particularly with my college boys, has been wonderful. The long, leisurely, uninterrupted family dinners (with my eldest son, who lives in New Jersey, face-timing with us practically every night) have been wonderful. Getting reacquainted with more creative home-cooked meals has been wonderful. My husband, not having to make his long commute, in piles of angry traffic every day, has been wonderful. Seeing more people out and about, walking and skating and biking (in a good social distance, of course), enjoying our beautiful nature here in Florida, has been wonderful. Knowing that our Earth and our animals are really getting a good, healthy break from so much of our daily pollution has been wonderful. Seeing so many of the different countries of the world, trying to work together to make this scourge go away, has been wonderful. Not having to wear a bra every day, has been wonderful. (Cue in Louis Armstrong . . . and I think to myself, what a wonderful world!)

Okay, here are today’s favorites:

Lemon Kit Kats – Did you know that Kit Kats come in all sorts of flavors? I think I read that there are well over 50 flavors of Kit Kats. My daughter has always loved the Matcha Green Tea flavor. I don’t agree with her. Matcha is an acquired taste. However, this Easter I got a hold of the best flavor of Kit Kat, and maybe the best of almost any other candy, that I have ever tasted. Lemon Kit Kats are the bomb!! I don’t want to even swallow right away, the flavor is that good. Thank goodness, they don’t make these year round, or I would start taking on the shape of a very ripe lemon, in no time.

Chef Shamy Garlic Butter – So, one of the gifts of the quarantine is that I discovered this little country produce stand, not too far from my home. Looking for an escape and an alternative from our local crowded grocery store, I discovered this quaint little place and it is a tiny stand of Heaven, full of fresh, homegrown tomatoes and Florida blueberries and the best homemade salsa that I have ever eaten. In a little, retro refrigerator in the corner of the produce shack, I discovered Chef Shamy’s fresh churned butters. They come in all different flavors (we can personally vouch for the garlic butter and the honey butter) and they have the ability to turn an ordinary piece of toast, into a luscious, gourmet treat.

Microban 24 Hour Multi-Purpose Cleaner – Okay, I feel like I am being kind of mean adding this one, but I only have one bottle of it and it is already half gone. You probably won’t be able to get your hands on one of these spray cleaners, for another month or so, but when you can, do it. I bought one right before the coronavirus outbreak at Walmart. I had never tried it before but it is really good stuff. We clean our counters with it constantly. It supposedly keeps a surface bacteria/virus free for 24 hours. If it weren’t poisonous, I’d drink it. It has a very light, citrus-y scent, that is not overpowering at all. I will always have at least one bottle in stock, for the rest of my years.

Focus on the “wonderful” this weekend! It really is all around us! Stay well, dear readers. I am with you daily through this whole pandemic, and then on from there. Stay with me and check in with me, in my Comments. It is good to hear from you all. It inspires me.

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Something to Cry About

Please do not miss John Krasinski’s third segment of SGN (Some Good News). It brings such hope and joy and fun, to this otherwise bleak situation which we find ourselves in. Here’s the link:

I’ve taken an informal survey among my family and friends and we all agree that at this stage of the game, it is like we have one good day, followed by one “meh” day, and then, another good day, followed by a low day . . . . . the cycle seems to be a pretty regular “up and down, up and down, up and down”. I find my better days are when I am looking forward to something, like a particularly good tasting meal, or for the final episode of Ozark Season 3. (Ozark Season 3 is really, really good.) I allow myself to feel the feels of the bad days, though, too. I’d rather process this coronavirus situation, while it is happening. I mean, I definitely have some time to do it, the time to process this mess. I don’t want to end up with ulcers, or sleep disorders, or worse personal issues, when we come through this, to the other side of it all. I’d like to process it all, and to come out to the other side of it, stronger and better than before, in all areas of my life that are truly important to me.

My one grandfather used to half-jokingly say to us kids, “Quit your crying, or I’ll give you something to really cry about.” Now, I realize that psychotherapists could have a field day with that statement, but I knew that my grandfather would never really do anything to us, except spoil us with candy and dance with us, while he played his harmonica. My grandparents were all part of the Greatest Generation. They experienced the Depression as children, my grandfathers fought in WW2 and they saw their children grapple with Vietnam, and all of its after-effects. The Greatest Generation experienced a lot of ups and downs in their lives. We all do. Yesterday, I read an article talking about Generation Z (kids that are in their late teens and early 20s) having the highest anxiety and depression rates, among all generations. The article, written by a writing professor, asked her students to explain why they thought this phenomenon is happening (this discussion with her students, happened pre-coronavirus). She was puzzled because she didn’t see Generation Z as having any more than the usual problems that any other generation of kids go through such as divorced parents, worrying about paying for school, social issues, etc. She and her students came down to the premise that there are only two things that are majorly different for Generation Z, from other generations of young people. One was that they are exposed to so much social media. The onslaught of information, makes it obvious about what parties or outings that the teens weren’t invited to, there has been a whole new layer of bullying added to the dark mix of mean, and even the constant barrage of posts by celebrities, showing nearly impossible physical beauty standards have become the expectation of an entire generation to keep up with and to emulate. The other thought as to why Gen Z feels more anxiety than most, is that we diagnose people more than we ever have before with disorders. What was once just considered “quirky”, is now divided into many mental diagnoses, often with prescribed medicine in tow. Strangely, the fact that so many of their friends are diagnosed, makes kids more likely to look for their own disorders and challenges. It is sort of like when you were a little kid and you really wanted braces and glasses of your own.

The author of the article concludes that by facing our worst fears and doing it all together, in this coronavirus pandemic, the good that might come out of it, is that it will be a huge perspective changer, for her students and for everyone. Can you even remember any of the little, annoying things that were niggling at you before this quarantine happened? The professor says that before the coronavirus epidemic, she saw her students constantly “borrowing” other people’s problems, to create a little drama and excitement in their own lives. Currently we all have enough disturbances on our own plates, that none of us would ask for another helping, not even a sprinkling, thank you very much, of extra fear and anxiety to add some spice, to our own over-spilling piles, on our plates of fear and doom.

I once read a parable that if we all took our own problems and we put them in the middle of a circle and then we were told to run into the middle of the circle and grab the same amount of problems that we had put into the circle, it is most likely, that we would all grab our own problems back. We treasure our problems. We are greatly attached to our issues. We nurse them constantly. We know them intimately. Now, with this great equalizer, the coronavirus at play, a lot of our collective problems are starting to look very similar, to varying degrees. We have all been brought to a level playing field of concerns, mostly with our health, and the health of our loved ones, being our utmost, highest priority. Without our health, life really doesn’t happen. If living comes down to just desperately holding on to our struggling breaths, than all of our other disturbances mean nothing more than a pile of dust on the ground.

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

“The amateur believes he must first overcome his fear; then he can do his work. The professional knows that fear can never be overcome. He knows there is no such thing as a fearless warrior or a dread-free artist.” – Steven Pressfield

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” – Nelson Mandela

Grief-Bacon

Hi friends! I hope that you had a nice, relaxing holiday weekend. I didn’t write a post this morning because I was out of the house, bright and early, as I strategically planned to get my major food shopping/paper supply hunting done this morning. I figured that probably, the day after Easter, the stores would be emptier of people, and even more sterile than usual, and it turns out that I was right. I also got the extra bonus of half-priced Easter candy. It is so strange to have to be strategic about grocery shopping and to have to go to four different stores, in order to find toilet paper. I’m still trying to get used to our “new normal.” My husband and I both noted that we are finally stringing a couple of nights in a row of decent sleep per week, so perhaps at least our bodies are taking stride with this new way of life, even if our minds aren’t there yet.

Speaking of food, my friend schooled a group of us friends, via text, the meaning for a new “word of the day.” The word is German. The word is “kummerspeck.” It means the excess weight you gain from emotional overeating. It’s literal translation is “grief-bacon.” I’ve been indulging in a lot of grief-bacon, lately and my cart was full of grief-bacon today. There is not an American expression that translates directly. We Americans like to be in denial about our grief-bacon.

The biggest thing that I’ve been pondering around in my mind lately, is the fact that since we are all (quite literally all of us, around the whole world), are going through this together, that this somehow makes the burden a little bit easier, mostly because everyone can relate to, and to empathize with the grief being felt by everyone. It’s a relief not to be singled out, in a way. Yet at the same time, it hurts so much, to see literally everyone you deeply care about, experiencing pain and fear and sadness and anxiety. It’s one of those situations in life that you would typically say that you wouldn’t wish on anyone, yet it is happening to everyone you know, to one degree or another. It’s a lot to process, isn’t it?

Anyway, I hope you didn’t worry about me. I am back in the saddle again. I promise to post earlier tomorrow morning. Stay well. Enjoy some Easter candy and try not to think about your grief-bacon.

Friday is Good

Dear Readers,

This is last year’s Good Friday post:

“Seek and You Will Find

Happy Friday, dear readers! Happy Good Friday!! In honor of the holiest days of the year in the Christian faith, I am going to take some time off from writing this weekend to enjoy some more just “being” and reflecting. Thank you for your loyalty and understanding. I treasure you, my readers. Have a wonderful, hopeful, redeeming, restful Easter weekend! I shall be back on Monday with more musings! In the words of Jesus:

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. Matthew 7:7-8 NIV

I think that I am going to continue to honor this tradition of taking Easter weekend off from writing. To my Jewish readers, I hope that you experienced a meaningful, calming Passover and to my Christian readers, I wish the same for us, this holiday weekend. For all of my readers, whatever your religion is (or is not), I love you. I wish for you health, safety, peace, sanity, and a renewed sense of what being alive really means to you.

Please do not worry. I am well. I am with you. I think that I need some time to be quiet with myself, and Easter weekend seems like the most absolutely appropriate time to do this.

I will be back in verbose form, on Monday. I appreciate you, from the bottom of my heart. Happy Easter! I am going to end this post with one of the most reassuring verses from the Bible.

Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Matthew 6:26

Snow in April

I’m sorry to be delayed with my post today. I have a migraine headache that I just can’t seem to shake. I saw that “snow in April” was trending on Twitter. That actually gave me the “warm fuzzies”. My eldest son was born on April 5th, 1996 and it was snowing that day (one of my favorite days in my life) in Pennsylvania. Sometimes when unusual things happen, they are also tied to beautiful memories. The “out of the ordinary” experiences serve as a touch point for events that we never want to forget. I know that most of us would like to get past, and to forget about this pandemic experience as quickly as possible, but I also know that it is bringing us gifts, too. Having lived for almost 50 years, I’ve accumulated a lot of experiences, and even those happenings that I deemed “incredibly awful, horrifying, and sad as hell” brought me gifts, if I dug hard enough. Mr. Rogers says to look for the helpers in times like these. I see stories of helpers everywhere these days. My latest favorite story is that of Tyler Perry (of “Madea” fame) paying for seniors’ groceries in about 80 grocery stores in Georgia and New Orleans. But even still, beyond the beautiful, selfless, generous helpers, are the internal gifts which come out of the horrific trials you experience. You learn a lot about yourself. You see beautiful facets of your own personality. You see that you are vulnerable and compassionate and yet, hopeful, resilient and strong. You see that you are able to comfort yourself and to challenge yourself and to protect yourself. You start building a cache of tenacity and toughness, and you keep that cache with you, so you can draw from it, when other difficult situations come around later on. You learn that you can trust yourself, comfort yourself, uplift yourself, forgive yourself, love yourself. These are the gifts that come out of miserable times and oh my, what gifts these endowments truly are, because like learning to ride a bicycle, these gifts come out of storage to be with you again, when the roller coaster of life, is at one of its deepest troughs. So I know that having snow in April can be quite annoying, but it can also be a marker for a time, when you learned about just how amazing you are and how even in the darkest shadow of times, Life is awe-strikingly profound and Love will lead the way. And many years from now, you can think back to that snowy April during the pandemic, that you survived through and you even thrived through. You’ll remember the gifts that you gained, these gifts being immensely wonderful insights about yourself that helped you to grow into even more of your own, purposeful, authentic self, than you ever were before.

Repository

https://youtu.be/HwLzAdriec0

I have found that I use this blog, much like my calendar and my daily journal, as a repository for information which I would like to easily be able to find again, should I need it. I consider my blog to be a communal bank/library and I hope that you will come back any time, for any information that may be useful and/or comforting to you. I have found the search button on the top right corner of the blog, to be surprisingly good. The above video was shared by the Harry Potter series author J.K. Rowling. She did not get tested for coronavirus but she was showing signs of it, for a couple of weeks and she claimed that this technique was the most helpful tip for her, during her illness. Honestly, though, while I share this in the library of information on the blog, I hope none of us get sick enough to have to use it as a resource.

A while ago, around Christmastime, one year on the blog, I talked about the feeling of being “happily sad” or “sadly happy.” I have found that feeling to be very prevalent during this difficult time, especially as the feeling pertains to children and how this pandemic is affecting them. I read this morning that the prime minister of New Zealand, announced to children that she had added the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy, on the essential workers list, and as such, they may or may not be able to do their typical duties, and she asked the children of New Zealand to please understand.

The below video was added to Twitter by a doting uncle, who said that his nephew is among the friendliest little guys on the face of the earth and even through social distancing, he extends warm greetings to perhaps just “imaginary friends.”

https://t.co/yxCepxPHyS

And of course, John Krasinski hit it out of the ball park again with another wonderful addition to his SGN (Some Good News) YouTube series:

Friends, I know it is so hard to feel like just staying home is enough, but it is honestly the best thing that we can do for everyone. Our neighbor is one of our county’s medical examiners. Last week, we shouted greetings across the road to each other, asking him what we could do to help. Without hesitation, he firmly shouted/stated, “Stay hidden. Stay home!” Today is World Health Day. Let’s honor the brave and selfless health professionals who are taking care of us, by doing our part, by being faithful to the guidelines set by the CDC. We are all just doing our best. It makes me happily sad/sadly happy to witness “our global best.”

Arbitrary Reflections

Random thoughts of mine, on a rainy Monday during the coronavirus shutdown:

+Coronavirus is still brand new enough of a word that WordPress underlines it, as if it’s a misspelled word. I really wish that was all that coronavirus is – just a misspelled word. If only we could correct coronavirus, by spelling it differently.

+Three of my immediate family members have celebrated birthdays during this quarantine. Everyone has had the same response along with their well wishes, “This is a birthday that you will never forget!” We keep reminding our kids that they will be telling their grandchildren about these days, many years into the future.

+As a person who leans more towards being an introvert, my lifestyle hasn’t changed all that drastically. I just more hate having the constant underlying anxiety and the psychological toll that a lack of freedom, takes on me. As a person who also leans towards a lot of empathy, my heart hurts a lot, for my more extroverted family and friends, who have had so many plans and experiences stolen from them, from this awful scourge.

+I have an old burnt down candle that is one of my favorite aromas. I keep it on my desk and I smell it every morning, to make sure that I still have a good sense of smell. I like the reassurance and the false sense of security that this routine gives to me, along with imbibing zinc, echinacea, Vitamin C, tonic water (has quinine in it, which is considered anti-malarial) and my Green Vibrance. The “old wife” from “old wives’ tales” notoriety, comes out of me, hard, in times like these.

+My energy levels have dropped significantly. I can’t even seem to get myself to write my daily journal. Sometimes I just write “Quarantine Life” in big block letters on the day’s page in my journal. In Florida, a lot of cars have “Salt Life” stickers on their rear windows. Will they start making “Quarantine Life” stickers?

+There are a lot of really funny people (even if they aren’t great spellers) on Twitter, if you find the right hashtag. One of the funniest threads I saw over the weekend was #TerribleQuaratineAdvice, with quarantine spelled incorrectly. Some funny responses:

Speak openly and honestly with everyone who you are quarantined with.

When heading to the bank, wear a ski mask for protection.

Everyone should switch to a bean-based diet.

What you can’t see, can’t hurt you. Instead of a mask, wear a blindfold.

Play a hashtag game on Twitter, with obvious spelling mistakes.

Enjoy another day of Quarantine Life, friends and readers! I’ll see you tomorrow. Stay well!!!

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Give Me Some Sugar

My friend texted this to our group chat this morning. I know that I typically go for funnier memes on my favorite day of the week, but I think that I have a little “PTSD” type thing going on, after making an early morning excursion to my grocery store. I never in a million years dreamed that I would have to “psych myself up” to make a trip to my own little neighborhood grocery store. Lately, I tend to get there once, every 7-10 days, whereas before, being a mother of a large brood, I often made a daily trip to our store (sometimes even twice daily). I had to wait outside of my store this morning around 7:55 a.m., probably about 20th in line, before it even opened. I was the last one to score some toilet paper. My hats off, once again, to the wonderful workers at the stores. The managers, the clerks, the bakers, and the baggers were so patient, courteous and kind. I asked if Publix was taking good care of them and they assured me that the company was doing right by them. Thank you, Publix.

New readers, I call Fridays, Favorite Things Friday. I don’t try to get too serious on Fridays, so I’ll try to keep with that light-hearted tradition, as we go through this truly surreal experience, together. Please look at previous Friday posts for more favorites. This week, I decided to start a weekly movie night with the family on Thursdays, while we are all quarantined together. I would have made ” Family Movie Night” a more frequent event, but the rest of the family seemed to think that once a week, is what works best. (Baby steps) Last night was the inaugural night and we watched a fascinating documentary. It is called Searching for Sugarman. It tells the story about an American musician named Rodriguez who became incredibly famous (more than even The Beatles or Elvis) in South Africa in the 1970s, without knowing it. It was a fascinating watch and even better, I discovered some new excellent music (and the lyrics are pure poetry) for my playlist. So here is my favorite new music. Give these tunes a listen (“I Wonder” is my ultimate favorite, second on the play list):

I’m also in the middle of reading a fascinating book. Ironically, it was also written by a South African. It is called The Lion Tracker’s Guide to Life by Boyd Varty. I won’t get into a synopsis of the book. I think I’ll just take you into the weekend with my favorite quote from the book. The quote requires some rumination. Take care, dear friends. We’re in this together. Have a peaceful, fulfilling weekend. Here’s the quote:

“I don’t know where I’m going, but I know exactly how to get there.” – Boyd Varty

#Everyday Heroes

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If you are like me, struggling to find ways to be helpful throughout this crisis, I thought that these were wonderful ideas. So, I copied these peoples’ thoughtfulness and put out a little box of goodies today, by our front door. These pictures were found on Twitter with #ThanksForDelivering trending.

I stopped off at a local Walgreens yesterday to see if they had any toilet paper. They didn’t. Of course. I bought some laundry detergent and I waited patiently behind a blue tape line several feet away from the cashier who now stands several feet away from the counter. The cashier is a woman who has waited on me before, so we got to talking. I asked her if she ever thought that her job would end up being one of the bravest, most stressful, through this whole ordeal. She replied that she hadn’t really thought of it that way, but she was doing okay. She did say that she looked in the mirror every morning, and noticed an exponential quickening of her aging process.

We are blessed by having heroes all around us, through this pandemic. Of course, our doctors, nurses and health practitioners are tireless heroes. Our soldiers, police officers, fire fighters and first responders are amazing heroes. Our political leaders, having to make quick and wide-sweeping decisions, at the blink of an eye, are awe-inspiring heroes. Our teachers, having to change the course of their lessons from “in-person” to on-line, in very short notice, are truly heroes. Our journalists and photojournalists, bravely going out to get the straight stories, on the depressing front lines are heroes. Our grocery store/drug store personnel are incredibly brave and dutiful heroes. And our delivery drivers, probably busier than ever, putting fear to the side, to do their jobs, so that the rest of us can do our duty, to mostly stay at home, are magnificent heroes. We are so blessed to be surrounded by every day angels, who are just people – people, just like you and me. And sadly, it took this awful coronavirus crisis, for us to fully understand and to appreciate this truth. I am so grateful to have my eyes opened to the every day angels, who support my life, in normal times and also, in the hardest times of all. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.