My youngest son has been home from college for a little while, in order for us to be with him, while he lets his new adjunct epilepsy medicine start settling into his system. (Thank you for your continued prayers.) While the circumstances that brought him home have not been ideal, having our youngest son/big brother back home for a little while, has been a joy for all of us. My husband has his ” armchair quarterback/football buddy” back, I’ve had great company at home during the day (my son is a wonderful conversationalist), and my daughter has had her adoring big brother back home to pal around with. All three of my daughter’s big brothers have always been amazingly loving and supportive and protective of their little sister, but my daughter has always been particularly close with my youngest son because they are the closest in age to each other. When they were little, they would often casually hold hands as we were walking along anywhere, and they went through a period of being avid WWE wrestling devotees, being sure to watch the events together, every single Friday night. Never having a brother myself, I have always delighted in watching my sons with their sister. It makes me insanely happy, and yet also, insanely jealous for at least one brother, all at the same time.
I have always told my husband and my sons, that my daughter will choose the men in her life, and accept their behaviors, based on how they treat her. They have always being kind, and loving, and respectful to her. Thankfully, so far, my daughter has always dated nice, respectful young men, and has a lot of healthy guy friends in her life. She’s one of those girls who manages to have a lot of friends of both sexes. I think girls with brothers are the best at that, but that’s just my opinion.
I would love to give my guys all of the credit for my daughter’s choices in friends and boyfriends, but truthfully, she goes into her relationships with a “good offense.” My daughter likes herself. She is proud of her achievements. She is not afraid to say “no” to someone or something that doesn’t feel right for her. She doesn’t look for her self esteem to be fulfilled by people outside of herself. I pray that this never changes. Part of this has always just seemed to be her own common-sense filled, “innate way”, but another big part of this, I think, is the fact that she has always been well-treated by those who love her. (especially by the men who have influenced her life the most – her father and her brothers)
In engrossing myself in the Gabby Petito story, I’ve been thinking about how important it is for my daughter to have this good “offense” in her life (and for that matter, for my sons, too. Toxic, unhealthy, disordered individuals aren’t just from one gender.) I think that it is extremely important to work on creating a healthy relationship with oneself, in order to ward off being attractive to the controlling, manipulative, treacherous types. As we see in the Gabby Petito tragedy, and in so many other cases, it is extraordinarily difficult and dangerous to try to defensively pry oneself away from a damaged individual, all the while trying to keep one’s own self esteem and healthy perspectives intact. It’s vitally important for us to trust ourselves, and our deepest instincts, and yet we all know how hard that can be sometimes. When teaching our children to be “nice and polite” we must remember to teach them to be the nicest and the most polite to their very own selves. And most importantly, we must all model that self-assured behavior, in order for the world to become the safer, better place that we want it to be, for our children and for our grandchildren going forward.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.