“Help is the sunny side of control.” – Anne Lamott
I think that I will be having to learn the “help/control” lesson for the rest of my life. I try to absorb the lesson. I really do. And it’s not that I believe that I am the “Great and Powerful All-Knowing Oz”, although I am positive that’s how I come across to the deeply loved others in my life, many times. (Thank you for still loving me. I’ve heard, “Don’t worry, honey, we know your heart,” from more than a few of you, for more than a few times.) For me, it’s more that so many of my own life lessons have come by the hard way, with a lot of experiences, and books read, and fervent prayers, and deep meditation, and intensive therapy, that I want to believe I can transfer all of that hard-earned knowledge and skills to my loved ones, in the form of quite a few simple, but bossy edicts, so that all of those who I care about can experience “free and easy”, sooner than I ever did. And even closer to the truth, I want to feel safe from the pain of seeing my loved ones get hurt, from experiences that I feel could have been easily avoided and “fixed”, if they would just let me in, to take over the wheel.
It’s really hard to stay in our own lanes and watch others who we care about struggling in their own lanes with problems, that from our point of view, look relatively simple to fix. It’s really easy to focus on other people’s problems in order to not have to put the microscope on our own selves. Other people’s problems aren’t nearly as hidden and painful and shameful and daunting and emotionally charged, to us, as our own problems. Still, if another adult is struggling in their own lane, and we offer to help them, and they refuse, we must honor that. We must wish them well, and be on our way, driving down the lane of our own life’s path. At the same token, we must keep good boundaries, protecting our own lane, so that we don’t allow other people’s problems and issues and insecurities, to spill on to our own paths, causing obstacles and hazards and trauma, which are not our responsibility to deal with.
It was a hard, hard pill to swallow, when I finally faced the lesson that a lot of my “helping” wasn’t completely out of the pure goodness of my heart. A lot of my “helping” of others, came from out of my own fears. And when I am fearful, that’s when my Inner Control Freak comes roaring out, like a ten foot tall Cher in a Native American headdress. My ICF thinks that if she can just “fix” everyone and everything, and put everyone and everything back in line, with the logic and the reason that, “DUH!” makes so. much. sense. (or, at least makes total sense to my own bold ICF), than nothing could possibly go wrong, and we could all sleep easier, and more peacefully for the rest of our lives. Right. (insert eyeroll)
I have a lot to deal with in my own lane. I have an Inner Control Freak who looks like a Cher impersonator, sitting in the front seat with me. She’s hard to keep down. But I do notice that when I keep my eyes ahead to my own future, and I only stop for the other drivers, who legitimately need and want some help, the path of my life is easier. I do sleep more peacefully. And my traveling companions, seem to enjoy my company a lot better, too, when I don’t try to contort myself into their GPS systems. When I remember that we all have the same Guide, who knows The Way better than any of us, that’s when I can let go, and let the wind blow in my hair, as we all move along towards the glorious horizon.
Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.
