Tag: beliefs

Mindset

“The enemy is not a person. The enemy is a mindset.” – Daniel Lubetzky (founder of KIND bars)

I have always said that conflicts and wars are never going to cease, until people start looking at things in different ways. Beliefs are entrenched in us from childhood on. We live our lives based on our beliefs, but rarely do we examine our beliefs. Usually, we subconsciously act in ways that will enforce our beliefs. We live in places and we mostly interact with people who normalize our own beliefs. We are often scared to examine our beliefs for fear that we might have been mistaken, or that our beliefs are just conditioned from other people’s beliefs, and these beliefs aren’t actually our own, at our deepest cores. And then where does that leave us without the current framework of our entrenched beliefs?

I’ve written before about the time period in my early forties, when the life of our family “blew up.” We were “the poster kids” for the Great Recession. For years, we had gone along in our lives, in one entrenched way, and I honestly had convinced myself that it would not have been possible to take another direction, even if we wanted to change things up. I believed that we were “stuck” in one town, in one underwater house, in one stressful way of life, with very few options. And then the Universe forced our hands, and all of the sudden there were many options, which we didn’t even realize were available possibilities. We ended up here in Florida, in a better living situation, in every facet of our lives.

A wise friend of mine recently told me that before she makes major decisions or changes in her life, she opens up the proverbial file cabinet in her mind, and explores her beliefs about the situation in a detached manner. She writes them down and really explores if these old beliefs are actually true and make sense for the situation. She then writes down new beliefs that could be truer to her needs and her wants in the present time. My friend doesn’t beat herself up for beliefs that may have limited her in the past. She moves forward with a healthier, more open, more considered mindset.

What do you feel absolutely sure about but wish that you didn’t feel sure about it? Usually these are negative beliefs about health, finances, world problems, politics, relationships, your career, where you live etc. Open up that file folder in your mind, and really explore this belief. Byron Katie devised what she calls “The Work.” Use these four questions as a template to explore your beliefs. You may be shocked with the insights you glean about beliefs that you have been carrying with you for a really long time.

  1. Is it true?
  2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
  3. How do you react when you believe that thought?
  4. Who would you be without the thought?

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2796. What excuse do you tell yourself far too often?

Palm Frond

“We don’t believe what we see. We see what we believe.” – Kelly Corrigan, a takeaway from her discussion with Mónica Guzmán

Mónica Guzmán is a journalist who wrote I Never Thought of It That Way: How to Have Fearlessly Curious Conversations in Dangerously Divided Times. Guzmán describes herself as a lifelong liberal from Seattle who has parents who were once Mexican immigrants, who now happen to be fierce Trump supporters. Guzmán wrote this book in 2022. I just downloaded it to my Kindle. I imagine that an election year is as good a year as any, to read a book like this.

The only time that real, lasting changes occur anywhere, is when people change their minds. Real changes only occur when people examine their beliefs and find loopholes and pitfalls and questions where there used to be ironclad answers. Sometimes it takes extreme events in our lives to allow ourselves to fully and openly examine our own beliefs.

The other day, I was driving on the road and up in the distance was a blondish hump lying in the middle of the road. I instantly felt sick to my stomach. “It’s a dead animal,” I thought. “It’s roadkill.” Then my imagination really got to the best of me. “It’s probably a dead dog.” And due to the size and the color of the mass on the road, it was most likely a golden retriever. Someone’s beloved family dog, their gorgeous golden retriever, had been left in the middle of the road to die by some horrible jerk! I was sick to my stomach. I had tears in my eyes. And then as I got closer, I saw that it was a large palm frond that had probably been blown down in one of the storms we have been having. Yes, what I saw up ahead on the road was a palm frond all along. “We see what we believe.”

Sometimes just knowing why someone believes what they believe, helps us to gain empathy and understanding, even if we don’t share their beliefs. Sometimes exploring why we, ourselves, believe what we believe, helps us to gain empathy and understanding about ourselves. How many times do we watch a movie and a character has an extreme reaction to a situation, and just as we are scratching our heads, wondering about their over-the-top reaction, we get a flashback to the backstory of what most likely caused that character’s extreme reaction in the present time? Sometimes our beliefs come from irrational, exaggerated places in the dark corners of our minds that stem from extreme experiences, or frightening people who did not allow us to disagree.

In a divisive year, in a divisive time in our country, there is no better time to figure out how to feel better. The only way to figure out how to feel better about anything, especially troubling things, is to explore these situations with open-minded curiosity, and with the aim of finding some kind of understanding. I am hoping that Guzmán’s book has some good ideas about how to do this, because our current system of dueling parties, extreme media platforms, and people screaming at, and denigrating each other on social media, is getting us nowhere and has been getting us nowhere, for a long, long time.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Here is the question of the day from 3000 Questions About Me:

2268. What is your favorite conversation topic?

What’s the Score?

“The big question about how people behave is whether they’ve got an Inner Scorecard or an Outer Scorecard. It helps if you can be satisfied with an Inner Scorecard.” – Warren Buffett

I read this quote the other day and I took a screenshot of it. (my picture roll on my phone has as many pages of words, as it has pictures) When I read it, I thought about how many times which I have repeated to my children, “Comparison is the thief of happiness (joy).” (Teddy Roosevelt) As humans, we love praise and adulation and admiration. And we also get a lot of our goals and aspirations by being inspired by what other people have achieved.

Personally, I think that it is healthy to have both kinds of scorecards – an Inner Scorecard and an Outer Scorecard. Ironically, our Outer Scorecard (which is the image you project, and what other people say about you) might often be the kinder, softer, easier grading scorecard. We tend to be our own worst critics. Still, your Inner Scorecard requires you to be honest and faithful to your own standards and beliefs without being concerned about what other people think. Your Outer Scorecard takes your picture. Your Inner Scorecard forces you to take a good, long, hard look in the mirror.

Outer Scorecards are fickle and change with the wind. Like fashion, they change as quickly as the seasons. Based on comparison and perspective, there will always be someone who is faster, more beautiful, richer, smarter, more interesting, more creative, more talented etc. On the other hand, Inner Scorecards rarely change. They have been imprinted on our souls. It’s just that we often don’t take time to examine them, as we get consumed in chasing the flashier Outer Scorecards, and thus getting the quick, but shallow fixes of a “like” or a “follow” or a “compliment” or any form of attention.

Have you examined your Inner Scorecard? Are you compromising things on this Inner Scorecard in order to maintain your Outer Scorecard? How does that make you feel? Another writer, Abhishek Chakraborty, also wrote about this famous quote of Warren Buffett’s. This is how he ends his thoughts on the subject (I couldn’t say it any better):

“The good thing is that if you start maintaining an inner scorecard, it will automatically translate into boosting your outer scorecard as well. And what better example to validate this idea than Buffett himself. He’s isn’t concerned if the world would look at him as the greatest investor or not. He doesn’t care what the world thinks of his decisions or ideas. He has openly said that there are a bunch of things he could do that would generate a lot more money for the company, but he chooses not to compromise his standards. . . . In conclusion, more than more happiness, more fame, and more wealth, we need less anxiety, less worry, and less regrets. And we’ll have that only when we’re successful by an inner scorecard. We can’t just earn praise, we must strive to be praiseworthy as well. Similarly, we can’t just be loved without being loveable, and we should not be admired without being admirable. This simple shift in mindset makes all the difference in the world.”

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Wednesday’s Whimsies

+ “Did you learn how to think or how to believe?” I read this question from a story on Rob Brezsny’s website. A father would often ask his daughter this question when she came home from school. It’s such an excellent question to constantly ask yourself, throughout life. Whether reading, or watching a show, or attending a speech or a service, ask yourself this question. With so much information overload these days (and now a ton of it being produced by artificial intelligence), this question has never been more important. Be discerning. Consider the source. Watch people’s actions, not their words. Think for yourself. Believe in yourself. Trust what resonates from the deepest part of yourself. You have more of the answers than you ever give yourself credit for, as most of the answers lie deep within yourself.

+ “Why can’t people be normal when they ascend into positions of power? Like what is it?” – martha, Twitter

“No one who wants to be in a position of power is normal to start off with. Like cult leaders, they’re all narcissistic to some degree. No normal person seeks power. Egomaniacs do.” – Zoraya Black, Twitter

I read this interaction on Twitter this morning. It is my belief that history’s most effective leaders have been hesitant leaders. They have stepped up to the plate when no one else was willing, or able to lead. They lead for virtue’s sake, for future generations’ sake, and how they ended up becoming leaders had nothing to do with their own personal power plays, but more so from an organic following of people who admired their ideas and their actions. Mahatma Gandhi and George Washington are known to have been extremely reluctant leaders.

“Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.” – William Shakespeare

Where are these rare birds these days? These true leaders tend to be the strong, silent types. It’s hard to find them in all of the clamoring for attention, and individuals’ need for their own fifteen minutes of fame. I do pray that these naturally sound and honorable people, like cream, rise to the top and become visible, and able, and available to us again. Never has our country needed them more.

+ I didn’t win a billion dollars in the Mega Millions last night. No one did. But even if I did, I believe that I would still be writing this blog. I love it that much. There are a lot of things in my life that would change if I had won, but there are certain things that I would do everything in my power to be sure that these situations stayed the same, because these people, places, things, and relationships are sacred and essential to me – you and this blog being one of those things. This is an excellent thought train to get real clear on what is most vital and meaningful to you, in your own life, right at this very moment. If you won a billion dollars, what would you definitely want to remain the same as it is, in your life right now? Feel grateful for these people, places, and things, and share your gratitude with them. You didn’t need a billion dollars to experience their preciousness in your life. Savor all that you have been blessed with in your life. Realize that you wouldn’t trade these things for a billion dollars.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Whaddaya think?

“Thinking is difficult. That’s why most people judge.” – Carl Jung

At dinner last night, we got to talking about whether or not certain ideas/theories should be taught in schools, as part of the curriculum. I have not done enough research to make an informed opinion on these different subjects. However, what I do know, is that I believe what absolutely should be included in every school’s curriculum (especially in these days of information overload, and extreme bias and slants on every subject in the world. What/who doesn’t have a bias these days? “Just the facts, ma’am” is an humorous, rare antiquity in today’s world.) is Critical Thinking. In our lives, we tend to accept a belief about something, and then, that’s it. Once our beliefs are formed, we rarely reconsider them again. We never question our beliefs or consider that there may be other ways of looking at things, or we may have our own irrational prejudices clouding our vision. Its often easier to stay firm in our convictions, even when all of the evidence starts to point in a different direction.

“We rarely find what we do not seek.” – Words of Worth

Why do we stay so firm in our stances? Is it stubbornness? Is it laziness? Critical thinking is hard work and we humans are creatures of habit. Is it embarrassment of the idea of possibly having made a mistake or been erroneous – i.e. “the need to save face”? Is it the fear of being ostracized or letting others down? Is it the need to feel “right” and thus, “superior”? In today’s world, someone admitting that they were wrong or mistaken about something, is such a rare phenomenon that it’s unbelievably heroic. It is my belief that these people who can admit the errors of their ways, are the most interesting, strong, integrity filled (and utterly scarce) people out of all of us.

I am almost 52 years old, and I am amazed at how every single year of my life, a new cloud that was blocking my view, dissipates with each time that I am willing to reconsider what I think, and how I feel about things. Sometimes, my moments of reconsideration, help to further cement my views, but either way, I always feel like a better, more informed, more self-aware person, than when I was just blindly going through the motions of unexplored labels I put on myself (or others placed on me), sometimes from childhood on.

I think if I were to teach Critical Thinking, I would work first on helping to create students so confident, and so sure of themselves and their abilities to consider all facets of a problem or situation, that admitting that they could be wrong about their assumptions would be peanuts. Making mistakes and having erroneous ideas would be just another part of getting to the true heart of a dilemma – nothing personal, just part of the process of chipping away to the truth. Maybe that’s why we have a hard time questioning and critically thinking about our own beliefs and ideologies. We personalize and identify with our “labels” too much. And by doing that, we often limit who we are at the very heart and core of our most creative minds. Labels limit us. When you strip away all of the labels, philosophies and dogmas, we are truly unfathomably limitless. Maybe if enough of us keep focusing on a continuous, unending course of Critical Thinking throughout our lifetimes, we will start to see what this “limitless” version of humanity could look like. My belief (yet I am willing to be challenged on this) is that if this happened, our world would be more awestriking, and at ease, than the likes we have ever seen or yet imagined.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Beliefs and Values

“For you to understand me, the first thing you should know about me, is that I am not you.” – Mindset For Life, Twitter

This quote is so key. The other day I read something interesting. It said that we all know and understand that we have a tendency to project our own negative qualities on to others, as a way to disown these qualities in ourselves. (That’s where the phrase, “Point one finger at me, and three fingers are pointing back at you” comes from.) When we are feeling particularly critical about something in someone else, there is usually some similar trait in ourselves that we strongly dislike, and we can get that insight about ourselves, if we are humble enough to play detective on our own selves, instead of focusing always on the faults of others. Even more interesting to me was that my reading also said that we also have the tendency to project traits that we do like about ourselves, on to others. We think that parents, or partners, or friends, or teachers, or bosses, should have certain likable, familiar traits, and so we often project these positive traits on to people, whether they actually possess these traits or not. Both projections make us feel safe and in control, but neither are rooted in reality. These projections do not make for authentic, healthy relationships.

The above quote also got me thinking about an interesting conversation that I had with a friend the other day. She works for her church, and she mentioned that her church’s denomination is having a lot of controversy within its membership about certain key issues. She mentioned that she, herself, was struggling with where she stood on some of these issues. We both talked about how difficult it is to get a consensus on anything, in any group. Even in my marriage, my husband and I don’t agree on every single thing. Trying to find just the right place to eat, or where to go on vacation was often tricky among our family of six, until my husband and I finally, out of frustration, used our executive privilege. (Raising four kids got me really familiar with the term, “herding cats.”)

That’s the hard thing about joining various groups, and thus being labelled as a member of that group. Do you honestly believe in every single platform of your own political party, or your own religious affiliation, or your own workplace’s stance on everything?? Are your beliefs so solid that they could never be changed, even as you grow and change, and as the world around you changes?

My weekly horoscope by Holiday Mathis said this: “Your beliefs, which are based on the best information you have in a given moment, will inevitably change as the world does. There’s no shame in this. Values, on the other hand, withstand the tests of time. Love, tenderness, beauty, harmony and teamwork are values represented in your week.”

Beliefs are different than values. With whom, and where, and doing what, do you spend most of your time and your energy and your resources? Whether you like it or not, these people and these things are what you value more than anything else. You may scoff, and say to yourself, “Well, I can’t stand my job, but I have to feed my kids.” That’s fair. You value supporting your family and their well-being. Is that a bad value?? It seems pretty virtuous to me. However, your belief may be, “I have to do this particular job, and I have to work these amount of hours to feed my kids.” Is that the truth? Is this particular vocation the only way to feed your family? Would it be possible to work at a different job, or to work less hours? Beliefs are flexible. They can be changed. Do your beliefs support your values? This is what is most important. Be honest with yourself about your beliefs, and see if they honestly support your highest values. If you value inclusiveness, do your affiliations support this value? If you value family time, do your career and your hobbies support this value? If you value health and fitness, do your habits support this value? Where can you alter your beliefs to better support what you truly value? And remember, this is a private project. Go back to the first quote, I used in today’s post. What I most value in life is probably different than what you most value, and that is okay. That is what gives us such amazing variety and contrast and unique experiences in this life on Earth, which we are living right now. Just make sure that you are living the values and the beliefs that are true to you, so that you don’t cheat yourself, nor cheat the world, of all of the variety and mélange that is deserved to be experienced by all of us, right here and right now!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Prisoners

Image

What has you imprisoned? Now you may scoff and say, “Nothing has me imprisoned. I am a free thinker from a free country.” But, if we are honest with ourselves, we all have the things in our lives that imprison us. And usually, we don’t even realize this fact until usually some life crisis or a big change in our lives happen that makes us do a whole lot more self examination than we typically take the time to do, on a daily basis. (This is the hidden blessing of crises. Crises make us get really real with our own selves, if we want to rise out of our crises, like a phoenix from the fire. Otherwise we just succumb to difficulties and wonder “why me?”)

What is imprisoning you? Your financial obligations? Your lifestyle? Your daily habits or even addictions? Your need to please others? Your concern about image and what other people think about you? Your religious/political beliefs that may have been imposed upon you as a child – have you ever really examined these beliefs to see if they really are truly your own beliefs? Your sense of duty? Do your fears about the future, or your regrets about the past imprison you, keeping you frozen and catatonic? Your need to be “right”? Your beliefs about “others” and what they think and do? What about your beliefs about yourself, do they imprison you by making you stay in a certain “mold”, a mold that maybe you never intentionally created, but was fitted for you by someone else, or even by society?

What has you imprisoned? Where do you feel free in your life, and where do you feel stuck? Are the choices which you are making in your life, truly the right ones for you? You are the key, to get out of the prisons of your own making. We all have prisons that we have created for ourselves, and we all have the keys to get out of them. However, it is impossible to escape from a prison that you don’t admit that you are in, in the first place. Don’t be your own jailer. Make the changes in your life, that you need and want to make. These changes are your keys out of prison. Self awareness and courage will bring you to the ability to make changes, which will ultimately bring you to your freedom – your freedom to be the ultimate expression of your own true self.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.