Tag: apologies

Integrity

I was reminded of last year’s Christmastime adventures when I heard that Southwest had agreed to pay a $140 million fine for the nightmares that they created for so many of us, last holiday travel season. Last year, Southwest, thankfully, at least got my family to our destination (the day after Christmas) to Texas. We were travelling to Texas for my mother-in-law’s funeral. Unfortunately our returning flights were abruptly cancelled by Southwest. There were no alternative flights available until well into January, so my husband and I, and our four adult children (all who needed to get back to work, school and our individual lives), took turns driving the 18 hour drive back to Florida, in a rental car. Our case wasn’t the worst case scenario. There were stories of people missing weddings and cancer treatments and other major events. I remember being so utterly relieved to have gotten to Texas in time for the funeral, as so many flights around us were being cancelled. These cancellations had nothing to do with weather or mechanical issues on planes or sicknesses of crews. It turns out that Southwest had let their scheduling technology become outdated and at risk, and many of us paid the price for that error.

But do you know what? I don’t have any beef with Southwest. I would fly with them again in a heartbeat. They made a horrible mistake. They were terribly negligent with updating their technology. Southwest messed up in a big, big way. But what I noticed from the get-go, is that they owned their mistake. Their CEO and executives owned up to their egregious mistakes from the very start. We have never been so quickly refunded and compensated for our expenses, by a company, in our entire married life. Southwest took accountability immediately. They did not try to excuse themselves, cover things up, nor blame others. They accepted the consequences and they are making amends. Honestly, this experience of fully owning one’s mistakes, is such a rare occurrence in today’s world, that I might put Southwest up there with one of the companies I feel most loyal to, because I trust them. I trust them.

We all make mistakes, individually and as entities. But how many of us wholly take ownership of our mistakes, apologize sincerely, and then make appropriate amends? This is rare. This is called integrity and in my experience, Southwest showed true integrity in the way that they handled this atrocious mess. As their mottos says, “Low fares. Nothing to hide.”

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Monday – Funday

Mondays seem to be a good day to talk about apologies for messing up. All of my horoscopes today seem to be warning me to be careful with what I say, and how I say it. (I’m a Sag – this should be a daily, flashing red light warning for me.) I saw this quote in a store the other day:

“Apologize for your mistakes, not your feelings.“

Make sure that when you apologize, you have actually done something wrong, or hurtful. You never should apologize for just being you (and that includes having and experiencing your feelings). And for when you do make mistakes, remember this:

“Go get a plate and throw it to the ground.

Did it break? Yes.

Now say sorry to it. Sorry.

Did it go back to the way it was before? No.

Do you understand now?” – Mindset for Quote

I think that this is a good reminder that apologies don’t fix everything. That being said, I think that an apology is the first step towards amends. You can either leave the plate lying on the floor, broken to pieces, or you can express your deepest apologies, and do your best to glue it back together. Will it be the same as before? No. But, if the plate is gingerly cared for, and shown that it is worth being glued back together, perhaps what comes of it, may be even more beautiful and precious than it ever was before. I wrote about this years ago, when I talked about the Japanese process of Kintsugi:

Beauty in Brokenness

Have a great week!

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Apologies

“Perhaps the reason you so desperately want an apology and for this person to acknowledge that they’ve wronged you in some way is because it will be just the thing you need to give them another chance to prove to you that they can be the person you believe them to be.” – The Blunt Reader (Twitter)

When I read this the other day, it socked me in the gut. I wasn’t the only one. Over 36,000 people seem to appreciate what this tweet has to say. It is hard to accept the truth that the people in our lives are often times projections of what we want them to be. What I am to you, is entirely different than what I am to my three sons, and I am an entirely different entity to each of my sons. We always bring a part of ourselves and our own needs to each relationship that we have in our lives. And sometimes we blatantly lie to ourselves, in order for relationships to be what we want them to be, in order for these relationships to fit into the lives we want to believe that we live.

If you are in a detrimental relationship with anyone which you have been lying to yourself about, in order to make your life “look like” exactly what you want it to be, sometimes the hurtful, unacceptable things that people do and say, without true remorse and change, can be the biggest favor that they ever did for you. These actions can jar you into reality, and wake you into acceptance of “what is”. These actions can help open up a space for you to find better people and to experience better situations which leads to living a more authentic, joyful, peaceful and fulfilling life. These painful experiences with people who have harmed you, can help you to learn to love yourself, respect yourself and treat yourself better. These terrible, blatant actions and lack of regret on the part of people who have hurt you, ironically may be the kindest, most honest thing that they ever did for you, in your entire relationship.

In my life’s experience, the people who have done and said the things that have hurt me the most deeply, have never been able to make sincere, honest, heartfelt apologies, nor have they been able to show amends for their actions. And for the longest time, I pined for “the apology.” I pined for the “on their knees, begging for forgiveness.” I pined for their true understanding of my pain, and a demonstration of their deepest regret. It took me a long time to understand that it is usually only the most damaged people in our lives who can do, and who can say the most terrible things to us, in the first place. And it isn’t personal. These people tend to leave wreckage in every relationship that they have in their lives. Hurt people hurt people. These people were never the people who I believed and wanted them to be.

It is painful to work on self-awareness. It is painful to accept that we play a part in allowing people to hurt us, by lying to ourselves about our relationships and our situations. But when we do get real with ourselves, and we take steps to protect and to care for ourselves, ironically, the apologies no longer matter nearly as much. If fact, sometimes we realize we might be better off without the apology and the conflict in our heart that the apology would bring. When we are showing ourselves love and respect and care, we no longer feel such a gaping neediness, trying to get love and kindness and protection from others. We get healthy. We make strong boundaries and we protect these boundaries. We grieve our losses, we hope for the best for everyone involved, and we move on. We only allow healthy people into our inner circle, people who love themselves and love others in healthy, confident ways, without utilizing manipulation, neediness and cruelty. When we come into our own authenticity, the pretend world is no longer something that we need nor want. The pretend world doesn’t interest us, because it is shallow, fake, flimsy and hollow. When we assuredly accept things as they are, not as we want them to be, we allow ourselves to take the first steps to create an enthralling, true life experience that we can thrive and grow in, to become the best true version of our own selves.

“Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.” – Robert Brault

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Oh Sh*t

“Apologize when you are wrong, not when you feel insecure or embarrassed.”

I saw this quote on the internet the other day. I have touched on this subject before here at Adulting- Second Half. (when you write a blog every single day for years on end, that tends to happen. Just as my kids roll their eyes, as I repeat the “same old stories”, I see that it is happening here at the blog, too.) Still, this one bears repeating. And I won’t apologize for it.

Years ago, a friend told me that I apologize too much. She said, instead of apologizing, say, “Thank you for your patience with my repeating the same themes in my blog.” (just an example) It was advice that has stuck in my mind, for years and I try to utilize it.

When I get nervous, I repeat myself or I ask the same questions a gazillion times. Yesterday, the hot water pipes broke underneath the tile and our kitchen cabinets. Yay. About 200 times before the sun rose in the sky, I asked my husband if he was going to call a plumber. Of course, he was going to call a plumber. My husband is a responsible man, and he didn’t want this to turn into a bigger mess than it had to be, either. I know this. But unconsciously, I asked him, out loud, 200 times if he was going to call a plumber. It is my way of self-soothing. It is my way to reassure myself. The question was just a substitution for “Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.”

So, when my husband (quite understandably) lost his patience with my questioning, I did not apologize. I just explained that I understand that my nervous habit would be aggravating and I will try to work on it, but he knows, after being married to me for over 26 years, that old habits die hard. And I gave him the same explanation that I explained to you about my quirky compulsion, in the paragraph above. And then I alluded to some of his quirks, that I have chosen to live with, because the overall package of him, more than makes up for, a few little annoying idiosyncrasies that are addendums to an otherwise amazing person.

I think that we will start talking to each other again tomorrow. (wink)

Are you passing on love, or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love. (this will be the daily mantra of the blog, for the rest of this year.)

The Cherry on Top

I was all set to write about this life management theory that I have been learning about and that I find to be very interesting. Then, I got distracted (story of my life) during my morning reading, and I found two quotes that really struck me as important enough to discuss. I use this blog to commune with you, my wonderful readers, but also as a library of sorts, for me to keep useful, interesting information and inspiration for myself. So, tune in tomorrow for words on a thought-provoking life theory, but for today, here are the quotes:

“At the end of a good book, I always feel fuller, but also irrationally abandoned.” – Charmeuse (Twitter)

I absolutely love when someone puts into words exactly how I feel and in such an easy, succinct way to understand. I always feel this way after a good book. The two best books that I have read lately, which made me feel this way, were Glennon Doyle’s UNTAMED and J.D. Vance’s HILLBILLY ELEGY. (this one has been made into a movie directed by Ron Howard. I am very excited to watch it!)

The second quote is a little more somber. This is the quote:

“Make peace with the apology that isn’t coming.” – Valencia (Twitter)

The most beautiful heartfelt, thought-out apologies which I have ever received are from kind, loving people who have barely offended me. (we all make mistakes) These apologies were full of emotional empathy, not one excuse, and were followed with an earnest change in behavior. I think that a lot of us (or at the very least, me) get caught up in these fantasies, of that type of sincere, genuine apology coming from the people who have cut us to our cores. But here’s reality friends, people who are capable of hurting us that deeply, are most likely the same types of people who are not capable of a great deal of empathy and self reflection and introspection. Hurting people hurt people. Unfortunately, it is typically the most damaged souls that cause the most damage. These people are not capable of the apologies and of the understanding (the kind of apologies that are often shown at the climax of a dramatic movie) which we are most wanting and needing to hear. So the sooner that you can make peace with the fact, that the genuine apology is unlikely to occur, and trust yourself going forward, to keep healthy boundaries with toxic people and negative situations, the easier it is to move on with your life, forgiving yourself and others, for past situations that caused harm. (Remember forgiving does not mean forgetting or even resuming a relationship. It just means letting go of the rumination and the pain of it all. Forgiveness is for yourself.) Take only the growth and the lessons and the wisdom which you gleaned from a relationship or a happening, and let go of your need for the apology. It is the only way to peace. Let it go. Let it go. Let it go. And remember, if by rare chance, a person does do the hard work to change their ways, and evolves into a better, more authentic person, the apology received will be like the cherry on top, of the beautiful, delicious dessert that you have already created for yourself, with your healed and happy life.

True Apologies

Earlier this summer, our family had gone to a local water park for the entire day.  We hired our long-time pet sitters to come to our home to take our dogs out a few times that day and to walk them.  Our pet sitters are a lovely mother and daughter team who have watched our dogs when we have been away on vacation many times, sometimes even out of the country.  They have always been reliable and responsible.  It has always been a great comfort to us that they look after our sweet pets and even check up on our home when we are gone.  Their service is truly good peace of mind for us.

Unfortunately, on this particular day, our pet sitters made a mistake and did not have us on the calendar for the right day.  Later that afternoon, I realized I had not left a check out for them and I called them to let them know that I would send the check in the mail.  It was then that we all figured out that a date mix-up had happened and that they had not been to the house to look after our dogs.  We were all upset and they quickly got into their car and headed over to our house.  The pups were good and everything ended up being just fine.  Honestly, at that point I wasn’t upset about the situation any longer.  Mistakes happen and all was well.

However, the best part of this story comes after that little fiasco.  The part that really made me ponder my own actions in life, was how well our pet sitters handled the aftermath of their mistake.  In my email, I received the most genuine apology I have received (or frankly, given) in a long time from anyone or any entity.  Our pet sitters completely owned their mistake, making no excuses.  This was no “Sorry But . . . ” apology.  They were not defensive.  This was no “Sorry That You Are Upset . . . ” apology.  Our pet sitters apologized profusely for their mistake with full understanding of why this experience would have upset us, let us know the thought-out changes that they had implemented in their scheduling system to ensure that this type of mistake wouldn’t happen again in the future and asked us kindly to trust them again for future business.  My family understands that mistakes happen and we had no intention of “firing” them after this one episode, but the way that the mistake was handled was a lesson to me that I won’t soon forget.

Why is it so hard to earnestly apologize?  Why do we think others expect perfection from us?  None of us are perfect.  We all make mistakes.  I think when we are wronged, all that we are looking for is true remorse from the offender, a feeling of being understood and heard as to why we are upset, and evidence that the offender has fully and earnestly considered changes to ensure that they won’t hurt us again. In that way, they are showing us that they value us and that they value our relationship to us. In my experience, these types of true apologies are rare in today’s world.  True apologies are rare enough that I felt the urge to blog about them.

We have had our pet sitters come to our home and take care of our pets several times since this experience and they always provide a great service.  I’m grateful to know them, not just as people who help take care of our family, but also, as teachers and way-showers, who have been good examples to me that showing humility and taking full responsibility for our actions are true markers of confidence and character.  I actually have even more respect for our pet sitters now, after the mistake, than I did before.  It’s been a valuable lesson for all parties involved and the dogs’ tails are still wagging.