addiction Archives - Adulting: Second- Half

Harvesting

This is a really interesting, reflective time of the year. Yesterday was Halloween that has its roots in an ancient Celtic celebration called Samhain (a Gaelic word which is surprisingly pronounced “Sow-win”) which honored the harvests of the year, and was believed to be a time of a thin veil between the living and the dead. Today starts the Mexican tradition of “Day of the Dead” which is a joyous celebration of fondly remembering our ancestors. So, at this transitional time of year when our plants are shedding leaves and the blooms and harvests of the year are already stored and the plants are dying off and preparing to go into the deep, dark sleep of winter, it brings key questions to mind that can help us to live our lives more intentionally. Here are some of the questions that I am pondering for myself at this time of year. Please add any of your own questions and ponderings that could be insightful and helpful to all of us, in my Comments section.

What are the blessings and the traditions that my ancestors started that are important for me to honor and to carry on, and to instill into my own life and into the life of my family?

What are the “curses” and false beliefs of my ancestry that I need to be strong enough to change and to discontinue and to discourage in my own habits and in the lessons which I give/show/impart to my family as their matriarch?

What did I harvest this year, and what fruits did this harvest bear? Do I want to plant the seeds for the same kind of “harvest” next year, or are there some regular, well worn “crops” that have bore their fruit/lessons and now need to be retired? What are some new seeds that I can plant to bear growth in my life in new ways? How can I keep the soil of my life, fertile and alive?

Do I feel and show my most sincere gratefulness for the harvests of my life to my God/Universe/Lifeforce and to my ancestors who paved the way before me? Do I respectfully seek daily guidance from God/Universe/Lifeforce and from my ancestors and my guides?

Are the crops that I am growing and reaping every year sustainable? Are they harmless, or are they harmful to me and/or to others? Am I generous with what I have reaped?

In recovery circles, or for people dealing with difficult behaviors that they want to change such as eating disorders, or gambling addictions, being intentional and focusing on the future consequences of our actions is a huge part of overcoming problems. Addicts are told to “Think the drink/drug/bet/compulsion/impulse to the end.” Meaning, before you do what you desperately are wanting to do in the moment (or perhaps even avoiding doing a “good thing”), honestly consider the consequences of what may happen/what is likely to happen/best and worst case scenarios, etc. and ask yourself if you can live with these consequences. What feels good for a brief moment, could easily end up being life destroying in the end. In short, are your actions taking you towards your goals, or are they taking you away on dangerous, wayward paths?

Taking the time to ponder what went right this year, what went wrong this year, what could have been better this year, and to honestly consider and to own what part we, as individuals, played in any of these events and what came out of these events, is living intentionally. Considering the overall ramifications of things that we choose to do or to say before we do them, is living intentionally. Living intentionally makes us powerful farmers of our own harvests. Before the crazy hubbub of the holidays starts to really kick in, give yourself an early holiday gift. Give yourself the gift of reflective intentionality. Write your intentions down so that you can refer to them, when you get busy planting your seeds in the new year. Make sure that you are growing in the direction of your own choosing. Wrap what you thoughtfully considered and desire in the new year, and tie it up in a proverbial bow. Know that this is the best, most thoughtful and useful and probably priceless gift that you will receive all holiday season. You deserve this gift from yourself. You will use it daily, and all year long. And next year at this time, you will have a beautiful harvest to show for it.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Holes

“I hated what I was actually about to say, but I had to say it.

I said: “You know what, Craig? It doesn’t do what we all thought it would. It doesn’t fix anything.”

. . . . Craig stared at me; I don’t think he believed me; I still don’t think he believes me. I think you actually have to have all of your dreams come true to realize they are the wrong dreams.” _ Matthew Perry

I stayed up into the wee hours of the night reading at least half of Matthew Perry’s new memoir, which was downloaded to my Kindle last night. Despite other people underlining a lot of other statements in the book, this is what stood out to me last night. This is what I took a screenshot of to share on the blog today.

Matthew Perry is an alcoholic and an addict, and he is also an extremely talented and successful actor. The conversation above was a recollection of when Matthew was talking to his friend and fellow actor, Craig, who had actually gotten the first offer to be Chandler Bing on the TV mega-hit “Friends” and yet, had turned it down.

The book, so far (I’m about halfway through) is an interesting, and yet tragic read. This memoir seems to be Matthew’s way of trying to understand the whys/hows of his own self destruction, and yet also, to be a way to redemptively help other alcoholics and addicts, if in no other way, than to say, “I get it. I get you. This does not make sense, but I get it.”

Matthew Perry talks a lot about the needs to fill “holes.” We all have them. We’re all kind of spongy. Some of us have bigger, more gaping holes than others, but the truth is, we humans are not totally “solids”. Quantum physics tells us that we humans are just mass energy stored in the form of mass particles. We all have “holes” and lots of them. And it is human nature to try to fill those holes (especially the emotional holes) – mostly with externals.

Matthew was convinced that getting the part, getting the money, getting the amazing house with the view, getting the girl, getting the FAME (that’s what he thought he wanted the most) was going to fill those holes in him – those deep dark holes of loneliness, despair, worthlessness, emptiness, etc. And spoiler alert, none of those things made for a good, solid filler. These “dreams come true” went through Matthew’s holes like quick sand, into the ether, and Matthew Perry still felt lost and full of holes, which he instead filled and patched with a never-ending supply of drugs and alcohol.

It’s a hard lesson to learn that we must fill our holes from the well-spring that is inside of us. We’ve all been there – we’re convinced that if we just get that certain job, or that kind of fulfilling relationship, or lose just the right amount of weight, or find just the right homestead, the holes will stay forever filled. And what we learn is, these are all temporary fills, and much more temporary then we would like them to be.

I remember doing a major renovation on our home which we owned in North Carolina. We designed the renovation ourselves. It took almost a year to complete (while we were living in it, with four little kids, no less). The renovation took blood, sweat, tears, fears, excitement, and so much time, money, and energy. We gave this renovation everything we had, and it turned out beautifully. We got many, many admiring compliments. Still, not long after it was completed, I remember sitting on my front porch, feeling quizzically empty. I remember thinking that this frenetic process which had taken almost all of my mental and physical resources was now technically over, (although, let’s be honest, are house projects ever over?), and I remember thinking, “This is it? This is all?” I am not sure what I was expecting from the project. It definitely took on a life of its own, but the “finishing” of it, didn’t fill any holes. Before long, we were on to other life projects and adventures and experiences, because this is just the way of life. We will never be truly be “finished” with anything.

As I have gotten older, I have gotten better at noticing my holes, and better at noticing when I am trying to fill my own holes with “stuff ” like – shopping sprees, attention grabs, stirring up arguments, food, drink, good deeds, more “followers” to my social media, distractive shows/movies/games, adopting pets, adulation and compliments and appreciation and approval, trying to control everyone and everything, being “right” etc. etc. You can’t fix anything you don’t notice. I then notice that these external things don’t ever work for long term gratification. They never do. It’s at these moments that I know it is time for me to look inward. And that’s painful and scary because it’s like venturing into the vulnerable, gaping, dark holes, themselves. But when I notice my cavernous holes, and I decide to quietly and non-judgmentally explore them, instead of hopelessly trying to fill them, it’s amazing the serenity and the guidance and the peace that I feel. I am a believer that “Universe/God/Source” – whatever you want to call that spark which gives everything Life, is inside of all of us. It never leaves us. The light and the love is never turned off. It’s just that this glint of God is so quiet, and so unassuming, and so open to us exploring our lives with our own free wills, that it is easy to ignore and to forget that it is there for us, always. Always. Some people find their way inside of their holes to the light, and to their peace, with prayer. Some find it with meditation. Some find it with singing or being in nature. Some people find the light of peace and serenity getting lost in their favorite passion projects where time seems to stand still. The light is there. It can be found, but it takes getting really brave about noticing and then facing and owning “the holes” and the fruitless things which we do to fill our holes.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

The Lifeboat

270 Abet ideas | inspirational quotes, me quotes, words

Last night, before falling asleep, I was scrolling through Twitter and I came across a story that gave me pause. A woman had posted that she had spent the last forty-eight hours wondering if her addict was even still alive. Luckily, he was found unharmed. She posted a picture of herself crying, and she asked her followers this:

Can someone please tell me it’s going to be okay . . .

In a matter of just a few hours, over four hundred people wrote back to her, with kindness, love, deep empathy, and for the most part, the same message, just written in different words. The gist was this:

It’s going to be okay, but you can’t fix this for him. You have the power to save yourself, and no one else.

Many of us who love alcoholics/addicts have had to let this message really sink in. Many people who answered the woman’s question suggested Alanon. Alanon is a great organization. It is geared towards focusing on the loved ones of alcoholics/addicts, and most of us go to our first Alanon meeting hoping that we will get a written, step-by-step guidebook on how to “fix” our addicts. It’s shocking, and at first, somewhat deeply deflating to hear the truth: You can’t do anything to help someone in denial, or who really doesn’t want to change. You MUST take care of yourself. You must take all of the energy that you have been putting towards your addict, and you must refocus it on to yourself.

This is a short article that explains an addict’s thought process better than most I have ever read (and I have read a lot):

https://www.verywellmind.com/understanding-an-addict-21927#toc-experiencing-consequences

All of the tools in the world, i.e. therapists, ministers, self-help books, rehab, 12-step programs, yoga, family interventions, affirmations etc. won’t do a lick of good for the person who is not deeply invested in using these various tools in order to help themselves. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but sometimes alcoholics and addicts don’t want to be “helped.” And being overly invested in “fixing/helping/changing” someone else and their lives, is its own form of addiction called codependency.

When you wake up to the realization that someone you love is deeply entrenched in alcoholism or addiction, I liken it to realizing that you and your loved ones are on this scorched earth, burning island. You, in your newly awoken state, realize that you can no longer live in denial of the destruction and the damaging fires. You realize that there’s a lifeboat, and you jump on it and you desperately try to get your loved one to get on to that lifeboat with you. But, unfortunately, your addict may not want to get on to the lifeboat. They may try to pull you into the water, where you both will drown. They sometimes want and choose to stay on the burning island, and they are angry that you longer want to be there, pretending that all is well. It’s heartbreaking to get on the lifeboat by yourself, but it is the only choice available, that at the very least, saves one life. It is the only choice that leaves a glimmer of hope for anyone involved that there is a way off of the burning island. And as the example I read last night, with hundreds of responses in a matter of just a few hours, you are not alone, floating on your lifeboat. There are many, many of us, floating in these wavy waters with you, willing to give a helping hand, and full of understanding, from our knowing, pained hearts.

****Readers, I choose to keep the identities of the addicts in my life private. I assure you that everyone in my immediate family is healthy and well, at this time. Thank you for your love, understanding and concern.

Are you passing on love or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Monday Funday

I didn’t really start seriously drinking coffee until I was probably in my early forties. Before that, I drank gallons of Diet Coke. When I decided Diet Coke wasn’t healthy for me anymore, I substituted my three morning Diet Cokes, for coffee. Hmmmm. I am going to look up a word for replacing one bad habit for another bad habit. I’ll be right back. Okay, the closest thing I could find was “addiction replacement.” You learn something new every day.

Addendum:

Because Big Brother always knows what I am thinking about and what I am writing about, an article popped up on my feed. Look what is new on the market, below! I am going to look up a word for adding a bad habit, to another bad habit. I’ll be right back. Okay, the closest thing which I could find to describe coffee and coke together, is “comorbidity.” (It pays to come back to the website if you are a subscriber. I edit my blog posts all of the time!)

Coke wih Coffee arrives at US stores on Monday.

Are you passing on love, or are you passing on pain? Heal your pain and pass on love.

Let Go of the Leash

A friend sent this meme to a text chat that we were having yesterday. We mothers were lamenting how hard it is for us, when our “remote kids” (grown and/or away at school) are going through stresses and we can’t be there to “fix” everything. We all laughed and related to the meme. I related to the meme so much that I spent a lot of yesterday afternoon thinking about it. When my friend sent the meme, I immediately texted back, “I think that’s what my family can’t stand the most about me.”

A few years ago, one of my sons angrily stated that I held all of my kids “on a leash.” That statement stung. (Obviously, it stung, as I am still remembering it and writing about it now.) I was floored by his statement. I was flabbergasted. I was so completely angry and incredulous and insulted. Was he kidding?!? A leash?!? I was the mother who went out of her way to give her kids privacy. I never opened doors without permission to enter. I never went through their things on snooping missions. Unlike many of their friends’ parents, I never tracked their whereabouts on my phone. I wanted to raise confident, independent, adventurous and autonomous children. I was the one who championed studying abroad, and I made the appointments for them to get their drivers’ licenses, as soon as legally possible. My mantra had always been to trust my children, until I couldn’t, and I stuck with that mantra valiantly, for the most part. I really never understood what my son meant completely with his “leash accusation”. I think we dropped the whole argument back then, and we moved on. Yesterday, though, I had an “aha” moment.

Despite my best and highest intentions, I realize that I do sometimes keep my entire family “on a leash.” The leash is never physical. The leash is never about whereabouts, or rites of passages. It’s more about happiness and comfort and security and control. It occurred to me yesterday, though truly unintentionally, I sometimes keep my family on a tight “emotional leash”.

For some backdrop to my point, I would like to talk about codependency. “Codependent” is a term that was first used to describe a spouse or a close family member of an addict. A codependent gets themselves so wrapped up in the addict’s life, keeping up appearances and responsibilities that really should be the addict’s duties, that they lose themselves in the process. A codependent’s happiness and security is only felt when they are keeping the addict’s life on track. If the addict is happy and behaving appropriately, then the codependent is happy. But trying to control an addict, and the consequences of addiction in an addict’s life, is a lot to deal with, and codependents often end up exhausted and depleted. Codependents often get extremely frustrated and resentful of their addicts, because they believe that everything that they are doing for their addict, often goes unreciprocated and unappreciated. The codependent has this idea that if they take care of the addict’s life, then it follows that the addict will “owe them” and return the favors and help to meet the codependent’s needs (whose needs tend to be mostly for security and control), but of course, that rarely, if ever, happens. Security and control do not blend well with addiction. Even more crazy, when an addict sometimes does do the hard work and heals their addiction, and then takes responsibility for their own life back, a codependent’s life typically falls apart. The codependent has made it such a total part of their own identity to keep the addict together, that they have completely lost focus on their own self (and sometimes their own mental and physical health) in the process. And whose really to blame in this scenario? Many people would say “look what that terrible addict did to that poor person”, and many times codependents do get a martyr status, but at what cost? Who gave their life away in this toxic system? The addict gives their life away to their substance or habit of choice. The codependent gives their life away to the addict. In the end, it is often the case that the codependent finds himself or herself to be equally as sick as the addict. The codependent is addicted to fixing the addict’s life, at the expense of working on their own lives, and growing their own interests and fostering their own health and well-being. And that is why they say that addiction is a “family problem.”

Now, thankfully, none of my children are addicts. The above explanation is the severest form of codependency, which I have used to drive my point. Codependency is a trait that a lot of us women have a tendency to veer into (even without the problem of addiction), particularly those of us who are mothers. There’s a whole spectrum of codependency and there is a whole spectrum of caring. Those of us women who have made raising our families, our highest callings and our highest purposes in life, often lose ourselves in the process, without even realizing it. That was never our intention. It’s just that we get so ingrained in our family members’ individual lives, that we forget about our own individual interests, and our own needs and our own well-being. We feel happy when everything is going well for our family members, and we feel devastated when it’s not. Now, some people would say, “Well, that’s just love and there is nothing greater than a mother’s love.” And that is true to a point. Of course, it hurts to see a family member struggling. Of course, it is exciting to see the people, whom we love with all of our hearts, triumph. However, when our own emotional states are so intertwined with the states of other people’s lives, to the point that we are losing sleep, taking on responsibilities that aren’t ours to take, making our loved ones feel incompetent because we step in all of the time and take over the wheel, and in the meantime, find very little of meaning or have very little focus on our own individual lives, that’s when we’ve crossed into unhealthy codependency. That is when we start holding emotional leashes. That’s where the term “helicopter parent” comes into play. When we make others feel responsible for our happiness, mostly because we have made ourselves responsible for their “happiness” (as we have defined it), this is an unhealthy equation that does not bode well for close, authentic relationships. We are not independent or interdependent in these types of relationships. Instead we are dependent on each other, and thus “codependent.” When others feel they have to be a certain way, or feel a certain way, or act a certain way, in order to keep our equilibrium okay, this system is bound to fail. It isn’t real. It makes everyone on edge. It has become a family system based on false security and a desperate need for control.

In the end, each of us is responsible for our own happiness. It’s not even possible to make anyone else feel anything. We each make our own feelings, and our own responses to, and boundaries around, things that happen outside of us. We each are responsible for our own lives, our own boundaries, and own satisfactions. No one deserves an emotional leash. Every adult in a healthy family deserves to be “free range.” We deserve to meet each other in our beautiful, familial meadows, sharing individual and shared adventures, without feeling a responsibility for anyone else’s responses, emotional states, or perspectives of these experiences in life. As much as caretaking is important in motherhood, so is modeling a healthy way of being. It is interesting to me that a meme that at first made me laugh at myself knowingly, made me introspect as much as it did, and seriously so. It made me reflect on life lessons that I thought I had already learned and mastered. Ha! (the story of my life) The meme made me want to get my proverbial scissors out, and to cut some leashes, for the betterment of my family and also, for the betterment of myself. Snip. Snip. Snip. Snip. Snip. And now, only love, authenticity and abiding faith remains.

Self Care

Yet another death of a music star was reported this weekend. Mac Miller, a young, rising star in the world of rap music died of an overdose on Friday. I didn’t know much about Mac Miller until this weekend. My kids liked his music and I found out that he was from my hometown of Pittsburgh. I checked out some of his songs on iTunes and I was surprised by how much I liked them. His rap has a jazzy, improvisational quality. It is not as angry as some of the rap music I have listened to and it seems to have a more reflective quality than most. If you can get past profanity, I highly recommend listening to some of his songs. Mac Miller’s improv podcast on NPR is particularly good.

What affected me most about this tragedy though, was that the world lost another great talent to the jaws of addiction and through its sadness and despair was looking desperately for someone to blame. That target to blame for many was Ariana Grande, his former girlfriend and also a great talent in the music world. She had to shut down all commenting functionality on her social media because of the the vitriol that was being spewed at her during a time when she was grieving the loss of someone she deeply loved and undoubtedly had tried to help rescue from his demons.

I read that more than 2/3 of American families have had to deal with the alcohol and/or drug addiction of someone they love. In 2016, the surgeon general put out a report that 1 in 7 Americans will face substance addiction and only 10 percent of those addicted ever get treated. These are dismal statistics.

Addiction is a nightmare. Watching someone you love in the throws of addiction is a living hell. The level of denial that overtakes an addict is almost impossible to understand. When someone loves an addict, don’t you ever think that they have not tried to help that person. Most people who care about an addict, go through a period of giving up their own sanity trying to bring their loved one back to life and reality. People who love addicts often become addicted to trying to help their addict and this condition is called codependency. When someone is in a state of codependency they lose sight of reality, too. They take the focus completely off of their own lives and put their entire focus on trying to save their addict.

The only person who you have control of in your life, is yourself. Our human nature wants to feel safe and secure and often tries to gain those feelings of false security by trying to control the “outside” – the people and circumstances in our lives. Sometimes we have painful feelings and inner issues to work on ourselves, but that scares us. It is easier sometimes to put all of that focus on “outside” projects than to deal with our own “inside” problems. Ironically, the only concerns that we really can fix and that we do have any control of, are the ones that are our own. People can help us and guide us through our problems, but the hard work is an inside job and it doesn’t begin until we admit that we have the problem in the first place.

I imagine Ariana Grande did everything that she could to try to help her friend and lover, Malcom McCormick. I imagine all of Malcom’s family and friends did everything that they could and some. Money was not an issue. Mac Miller could have afforded to stay in the best rehab centers in the world. The biggest hurdle that any addict has to cross, is admitting to themselves that they need help. The largest hurdle for any addict is to be able to cross over from the stronghold of Denial and reach out for help, fully knowing and understanding that they have lost all control over to the grips of Addiction. This is the hardest part for any addict to do. Many addicts, like Malcom, will lose their lives before completely surrendering to the idea that they have lost all control. They believe fervently that the only thing that is keeping them alive is the very thing that is killing them slowly and methodically on a daily basis. Addiction is treacherous.

Imagine that you are on a burning ship with all of your loved ones. You know that you must jump into the ocean to save your lives. Someone you love with all of your heart is burning on the ship but refuses to get off of it. This person is on fire but insists that they don’t need help. They actually get angry at you for trying to help them. You try to embrace this person, to reason with this person, but the closer you remain to this person, the more you burn in the flames. You finally have to make the heart-wrenching decision to jump off of the ship, praying that your loved one will come to their senses and jump into the pure water with you. You know in your heart that the only life that you can save is your own, as desperate as you are to save theirs, too. That is the terrible choice that Ariana and the people who loved Malcom had to make and they deserve only our deepest sympathies and understanding. No one who has ever loved someone deeply can make that decision lightly. Addiction is devastating for everyone it touches. Everyone.